meanmachine

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About meanmachine

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    Super Anarchist
  • Birthday 05/20/1955

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    chain valley bay

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  1. meanmachine

    Joke

    I don't get it ummm...are you blonde by any chance ? cheers,
  2. meanmachine

    Joke

    A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
  3. meanmachine

    Joke

    Call Up - Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier.... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry..' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
  4. meanmachine

    Joke

    hahaha...that has to be simulatanously the funniest and most revolting mental imagine i've had in a long time ! well done (could only come from FNQ...). cheers,
  5. meanmachine

    Joke

    When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.' George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.' Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.' George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.' Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?' So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!' George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.' Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?' George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.' When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh my, Oh my!' George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.' Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?' George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!' cheers
  6. meanmachine

    Joke

    ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED' cheers,
  7. meanmachine

    Joke

    The Parking Officer's Funeral As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done" cheers,
  8. meanmachine

    Joke

    DONATION Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? ' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' ---------------------------------------------------------- CONFESSION An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'Hey, I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!' ------------------------------------------------------------------- BROTHEL TRIP An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ----------------------------------------------------------------- SENILITY An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!' ------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE HUMOR Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing? ... You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- DINNER Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ______________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you the fortune!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' ___________________________________ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your horse phoned.'
  9. meanmachine

    Joke

    pretty funny although ansett went out of business in 2002. paper delivery a bit slow there grumps ? cheers
  10. meanmachine

    Joke

    + 1 best in a long time thanks ! cheers,
  11. meanmachine

    Joke

    I like this one ---- A British Airways 747 had just landed at Frankfurt airport and was given instructions to proceed to Gate B8. The pilot however, had the 747 on the taxiway - stopped - while he dug out the airport chart as he wasn't clear where Gate B8 was located, and he didn't want to ask the notoriously prickly Frankfurt tower for directions. The tower controller, seeing the 747 sitting - and blocking - the taxiway, came over the radio with obvious disdain in his voice "BA Heavy 24 Delta, do you know where your gate is located? Have you not been to Frankfurt airport before?" The reply came through seconds later...."Ah, tower this is BA Heavy 24 Delta - the last time I was here, it was 1944. It was at night, and we didn't land." :-D WWing mmm...that's a goodie... here's another similar one... picture LAX (or any other heavily congested airport)...long queue of planes waiting ages to take off. finally over the radio comes a plantitive voice ; "ohhh, I'm soooooo bored..." control tower comes back imediately : "who was that ? aircraft making un-authorised tramsmission, identify yourself immediately !" the voice comes back : "I said i was bored...not STUPID !" cheers, cheers,
  12. meanmachine

    Joke

    picture frankfurt airport a queue of planes waiting to take off, including a lufthansa 747. the pilot of the lufthansa jet starts talking to the control tower in german of course the control tower comes back and says, "i'm sorry...english is the international language for air control...you must speak in english" with this the lufthansa pilot gets very irate "I am a german pilot, flying for a german airline, at a german airport ! why should i speak english !!" and then a very pucker british voice comes over the air from one of the other aircraft waiting... "because you lost the war old boy..." (it's better when you can do the acents, but i haven't learnt to type with one) cheers,
  13. meanmachine

    Joke

    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever..' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ...... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ... 'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.' Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
  14. meanmachine

    Joke

    A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... *** What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!! **
  15. meanmachine

    Hobart Scene

    I heard someone say that it was E11even, Farr 40 mod. Could be wrong. i think you might be. 11 is now called 'iota' and lives at lake macquarie. was moored just off the yacht club a couple of weeks ago. suppose they might have gone crusing to tassie but ?? cheers,