chrisba

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About chrisba

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    Anarchist
  • Birthday 08/12/1960

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    S. England
  1. chrisba

    what is it?

    The handwriting on the masking tape by the barcodes looks like it says "Rudder Stbd". If so, I guess this a hydraulic steering device of some sort.
  2. chrisba

    Joke

    A young man from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and his girlfriend unknowingly got the knickers. He sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Jim P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
  3. chrisba

    Joke

    A little 5 year old girl walks into a pet shop with a purse full of her pocket money "Do you sell rabbits ?", she says to the owner. "Why, of course we do", say the owner. "Over here, in this cage, we have lots of little fluffy-wuffy white Bunny Rabbits"... " and in this one we have gorgeous little black fluffy-wuffy Bunny Rabbits, with great big floppy ears, "... " and over here we have some weally sweet little brown fluffy-wuffy Bunny Rabbits with divine little pink noses" " Now then little girl, do you know which of these lovely lilttle bunny-wunnies you would like" "You know", said the little girl, "I don't think my Anaconda would give a fuck"
  4. chrisba

    Joke

    GOLFING TERMINOLOGY 1. Paris Hilton - an expensive hole 2. A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer 3. A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read 4. A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out 5. A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't 6. A Cuban - needs one more revolution 7. An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim 8. An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker 9. A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand 10. A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect 11. A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional 12. A Glen Miller - kept low but didn't make it over the water 13. An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result 14. A Russell Grant - a fat iron 15. A Rodney King - over-clubbed 16. An O.J. Simpson - got away with it 17. A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver 18. A Robin Cook - just died on the hill 19. A Michael Jackson - gradually fading 20. A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs 21. A Ken Livingstone - quite far left 22. A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right 23. A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems 24. A Mrs Patel - ugly, but good worker 25. A condom - safe but didn't feel real good 26. A circus tent - a BIG top 27. An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get result 28. A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it 29. A Cathy Freeman - ugly, but runs like F**k 30. A Liz McColgan - ugly but runs forever 31. A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole 32. A sister-in-law - you are up there but you know you really shouldn't be
  5. chrisba

    Joke

    A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.......... They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived there for a couple of years............ doing what's natural for men and women to do..... After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing................... She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself............... It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while.................. nature once more took its inevitable course.............. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing..................... So................ They buried her.
  6. chrisba

    Joke

    The Battle of Trafalger, as it would be fought in 2007 Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
  7. chrisba

    Joke

    Alternatively, She was only the Admirals daughter, but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.
  8. chrisba

    Joke

    ...and another one, which I actually heard, " If you enjoyed your flight today, please tell all your friends how much you like Easyjet. If you didn't enjoy it, please tell them you flew British Airways"
  9. chrisba

    Joke

    Piet, the South African miner loses a leg in a terrible mining accident. When he gets out of hospital, he goes to a bar with his mate, and pours his heart out, "It's terrible, what am I going to do to earn money. Who needs a one legged Gold digger ?" His mate replies... "You could try giving Paul McCartney a ring..."
  10. chrisba

    Joke

    A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting in the pub, downing a few beers and shooting the breeze. They were bragging how tough they were. The bear said, "When I roar in the forest, the whole forest shakes in fear!" "That's nothing," said the lion, "When I roar in the jungle, the whole jungle shakes in fear!" The chicken just laughed and said, "Well I just have to sneeze and the whole world sh*ts itself!"
  11. chrisba

    Joke

    These definitions come from Roger's Profanisaurus , available from all good British bookshops, and there is an online version on http://www.viz.co.uk
  12. chrisba

    Joke

    In view of the latest terrorist incidents, the French have increased their Security Status from "Run Away" to "Hide" To illustrate how serious this is, they only have two higher values... "Surrender" and "Collaborate"
  13. chrisba

    Joke

    A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? " "Nope.........just when it's raining."
  14. chrisba

    Joke

    Almost identical joke, different punchline... A guy enters a chiropodist surgery While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, drags out the old LD and drops it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?" she asks in horrified tone, "This is a chiropidist. That's not a foot" He replied, "I know , but it's a good 6 inches!"