Glenn

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About Glenn

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    Auckland, nz

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  1. Glenn

    Coolboats to admire

    sadly this boat is missing off the coast of NZ http://www.3news.co.nz/Fears-for-7-missing-on-schooner/tabid/423/articleID/302985/Default.aspx
  2. Glenn

    Joke

    That took me a while Grumps....
  3. Glenn

    Joke

    That is a shocker Grumpy
  4. Glenn

    Joke

    Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money,all together they came to a staggering 50 pence. Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage. Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!' Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub!!
  5. Glenn

    Joke

    JACKSON JOKES! Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small? A: Because they aren't his! Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: Get out of my sun! Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning? A: Throw him a buoy! Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? A: He thought it was a delivery service. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost. Q: How do we know Michael is guilty? A: Several children have fingered him. Q: Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart? A: He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off. Q: What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson? A: One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries. Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand. Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night? A: Hanson. Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Q: Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson? A: Because he always likes to come in a little behind. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter? A: I'll swap you a 10 for two fives Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"? A: Two 5 year olds. Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night... Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight? Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladdin? Janet: No, just a pizza and video Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years? A: Michael Jackson Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out. Q: What do Michael and homework have in common? A: Both are a pain in the a$$ to kids FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house... They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his bedroom. Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" "I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.
  6. Glenn

    Joke

    GRUMPY... "Darwin's a friendly town. Long way to anywhere, no locked doors, we pride ourselves on helping out in virtually any circumstance".. . Two words mate:...The Tampa
  7. Glenn

    Joke

    Man walks into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll. "Normal or Muslim?" asks the assistant. "What's the difference?" asks the bloke. "The Muslim one blows itself up... "
  8. Glenn

    Joke

    Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, is a poker player.....
  9. Glenn

    Joke

    A cardiac specialist died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon & eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened , the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed Just then one of the mourners burst out laughing. The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" he said "So what's funny?" "I'm a gynecologist"
  10. Glenn

    Joke

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just sailed on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." A few minutes later, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they travelled on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Maud, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Maud turned to her and said, "Shit, is it me who’s driving?"
  11. Glenn

    Joke

    A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!!!!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
  12. Glenn

    Joke

    Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. _____ LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. _____ LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. _____ LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either Leroy was very upset. _____ He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. _____ LETTER 4 I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed YOU KNOW WHO
  13. Glenn

    Joke

    I was driving home from work in DC when the traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual." Then I noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so I rolled down my window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him." "How much have you got so far?" I asked. The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
  14. Glenn

    Joke

    A cruise in the Pacific goes wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; David, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. And they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual shagging, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both David and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but David and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and David and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing. So they buried her.