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      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  

LordOfTheLasers

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About LordOfTheLasers

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    Sailing duh
  1. Joke

    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said. ''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'' ''Have a nice night,'' said the officer. * The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' I said, ''Dust!'' * In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. * My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. * What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. * A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.'' * Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. * A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.'' * The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. * First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''
  2. Joke

    Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs. One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional. The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?'' She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
  3. Joke

    At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”
  4. Joke

    Little Johnny Vaseline » One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little Johnny's house to see his mother. "Little Johnny," said the mayor. "Is your mother home?" "Yes, but she's in the shower." "What about your father?" "Yes, but he's in the shower." "Are they going to be long?" "Yeah," said Johnny. "Why's that?" "They asked for vaseline...and I gave them Superglue!" Sexual Harassment Brenda was about to walk into her boss's office, when another employee looked at her and said, "Your hair smells good!" In disgust, Brenda went into her boss' office and said, "One of your employees just sexually harassed me. He told me my hair smelled good!" "What's so bad about that?" her boss asked. "He was a midget!!!", she said.
  5. Joke

    It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay." And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know." So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay." And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know." So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay." And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
  6. Joke

    There was once a boy whose father gave him a duck, sent him to town and said, "Son, I want you to see how much you can get for this duck." So the boy took the duck and left. As the boy was walking down the road, a prostitute stopped him and said, "I'll fuck you for that duck." No fool he, the boy said okay and followed her to her place. After the boy was done, the prostitute said, "Since you were so good, I'll give you the duck back if you do it again." Still no fool, the boy took her up on the deal and afterwards he took the duck, left and started walking up the road. The duck got loose out of his arms and jumped out in front of a truck. The truck driver stopped and got out. He apologized to the boy about his duck and gave him 10 bucks for his trouble. The boy took the money and went home. When the boy got home, dad asked him how it went and the boy explained, "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a duck fucked up by a truck."
  7. Joke

    Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home. "Does it fucking look like it?"
  8. Joke

    An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up. The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?" "Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend, and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The beaver falls down dead." "What?!" cries the old man. "Why, that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver." "Exactly," says the doctor.
  9. Joke

    Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
  10. Joke

    A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong. "My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky." "Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies. So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house,she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave. "Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!" The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"
  11. Joke

    A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy." A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde jokes. She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans." Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly. The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him. Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation." The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!" There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.” The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.” “So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”
  12. Joke

    A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
  13. Joke

    There were three guys who where rowing a canoe down a river in the Amazon and all of a sudden all these natives popped out, captured them, tied them up and carried them off to their chief. So the chief said that after they killed them they were going to make canoes out of their skin." He asked each one how they wanted to die. The first guy said ''Hell, just cut my head off.'' The second guy said ''Just shoot me.'' The third guy said, ''Give me a fork.'' So they did, and he grabbed it and started to stab himself while screaming, ''FUCK YOUR CANOES."
  14. Joke

    A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...." Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!'' Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!'' Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!'' Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's dick?!?'' Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.
  15. Joke

    One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."