blabert

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About blabert

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    blabert28
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    canada
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  1. blabert

    Joke

    EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN!!! OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY! . > > Women think they already know everything, but > wait ... training courses are now available for women > on the following subjects: > > 1.. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman > Has Gone Before. > > 2.. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making > Deposits. > > 3.. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. > > 4.. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can > Wait Till After the Game. > > 5.. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the > Bathroom Cabinet Too. > > 6.. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His. > > 7.. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last > Resort, not the First. > > 8.. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before > Speaking. > > 9.. Communication Skills III: Getting What you > Want Without Nagging. > > 10.. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN > Acquire. > > 11.. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. > > 12.. Introduction to Parking. > > 13.. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space. > > 14.. Water Retention: Fact or Fat. > > 15.. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and > Butter. > > 16.. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human > Consumption. > > 17.. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets > on Other People. > > 18.. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. > > 19.. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His. > > 20.. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. > > 21.. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already > Have. > > 22.. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural > Occurrence Only Women Notice. > > 23.. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All > Together. > > 24.. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. > > 25.. TV Remotes: For Men Only. Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl. He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location. The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away." "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?" The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral." Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain to long. Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day." The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?" "You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh." he second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married" "Why not", says the eager man. "Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"
  2. blabert

    Joke

    A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh, God...they got my girlfriend too!”
  3. blabert

    Joke

    Yes, that is all true, and kids these days need to learn that, but one thing we didnt have back then though was SA and thats one thing that is hard to live with out, but other than that things were better back then with better children, not spoiled little brats you see these days !!!
  4. blabert

    Joke

    A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
  5. blabert

    Joke

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the f! armer's new Harley. finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his tail and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip,and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? ....... "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
  6. blabert

    Joke

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the f! armer's new Harley. finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his tail and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip,and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? ....... "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
  7. blabert

    Joke

    A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
  8. blabert

    Joke

    what does a prostitue and a drug dealer have in common ? They both sell their crack !
  9. blabert

    Joke

    A man walks into a doctors office and the doctor starts asking him questions. Do you drink? Socially. And how social are you? That's a personal questtion They are all going to be personal questions. That's why you are sitting there naked as a rat embryo. So how much do you drink? Six or seven a week Beers? Days And how much do you consume per week? About 12 beer. Less if there is no hockey, including minor hockey. (Translated:24 Beer) And what is you weight? About an hour and 45 minutes, but hey, for your office, that was quick Okay, when you step on the scales what do they say Get off! But I thing I weigh about 240 lbs Oh wait, I see the nurse has already weighed you. 255 lbs Well, these socks are extra thick and I had a bunch of Kleenex in my pockets and lint in my navel. At home, naked with the lights off, I'm sure it says 240 How often are you up in the night to go to the bathroom? I'd say seven Well, we'd better check that prostate then Errr, ummm, 7:00 am I...I get up at 7:00. Other than that , I sleep like a baby You know, Hank, that gum disease has been associated with heart disease I don't chew gum no more. Cant without my teeth How often do you floss? Floss? Forget it I've been coughing for a month, doc Do you smoke? Nope, quit When? Cant rember exactly Try Okay. Maybe 2, 2:30 Do you exercise? You bet, I get a real sweat going and my heart rate gets right up there for about 30 minutes every day Doing what? Watching Fashion File Thats hardly a cardiovascular work out Well, I have to find the remote first and lifting three couches is not as easy as it sounds Are they heavy Depends On what? If you mean the African or the American couch?
  10. blabert

    Joke

    What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt ? Self employed !!!
  11. blabert

    Joke

    what do you call a protitute with her hand up her skirt? self employed !
  12. blabert

    Joke

    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
  13. blabert

    Joke

    Why is having sex in a canoe like drinking American Beer? Coz there both fucking close to water.
  14. blabert

    Joke

    a guy see this latter and decides to climb up it on the first stop he see this hot chic and she says "you can stay here and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or go up to succes" the man says a succes is more important so he goes up on the next stop he sees an even hotter chic and she says"you can have all the food and drinks you want and never get hungry and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or you can go up to succes" the man says a job is more important so he goes up on the next stop he sees the hottest chic hes ever seen and she says" you can have millions of dollars, all the food and drinks you want and never get hungry and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or you can go up to succes" the man says he will make money when he get succes so he goes up he reaches the next stop and there is an ugly old fat guy with a shirt that says Ces on it what kinda man would do that , he must be gay or somin?!?!
  15. blabert

    Joke

    a black guy and his wife are goin to a halloween costum party so his wife goes and gets him a costum and puts it on the bed... the husband walks in and see a superman costum and yells to his wife "theres no such thing as a black superman" so the wife is kinda mad but she goes back to the store and gets another costum and puts it on the bed... the husband walks in and see a batman costum and yells to his wife "theres no such thing as a black batman" so the wifes pissed now and she goes back to the store... the man walks into the bedroom and sees 3 white buttons a white belt and a 2 by 4 so he yells at his wife "wat the hell is this" the wife yells back "u can go naked and but the 2 white buttons on and go as a domino,if u dont like that u can go naked and put the white belt on and go as an oreo and if u dont like that u can shove the 2 by 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle"