"Too good to miss. It clears up everything. Enjoy. The week in Tory (Cummings special):
1. Dominic Cummings, one of the few men to have ever been found in contempt of Parliament, moved onto contempt for everything.
2. When the story broke, and he was accused of doing things that look bad, he said he didn't care how things looked.
3. Then ministers said press outrage meant nothing, only the opinion of the people mattered.
4. Then polls showed 52% of people wanted Cummings to resign.
5. So Cummings decided to show the public some respect, by turning up 30 minutes late to make his explanation.
6. He began by saying he wasn't speaking for the govt, which must be why he was in the Rose Garden of 10 Downing Street.
7. Then the self-styled "enemy of the Islington media elite" said his wife, who works in the media, had been ill in their house in Islington.
8. But she was only a bit ill, so he popped home, got himself nice and infected, then went back to Downing Street for meetings with lots of vitally important people in the middle of a national crisis.
9. But then he got ill too, so then it was suddenly important.
10. Sadly he couldn't get childcare in London, even though 3 immediate relatives live within 3 miles of his London home.
11. So because he was carrying a virus that can cross a 2 metre distance and kill, he immediately locked himself in a car with his wife and child for 5 hours.
12. He then drove 264 miles without stopping in a Land Rover that gets maybe 25 MPG.
13. Then the scourge of the metropolitan elites made himself extra-relatable by describing his family's sprawling country estate, multiple houses and idyllic woodlands.
14. He explained that he'd warned about a coronavirus years ago in his blog.
15. Then it was revealed he actually secretly amended old blogs after he'd returned from Durham.
16. And anyway, if he'd warned years ago, why was he so massively unprepared and slow to react?
17. Then he said he was too ill to move for a week.
18. But in the middle of that week, presumably with "wonky eyes", he drove his child to hospital.
19. Then he said that to test his "wonky eyes" he put his wife and child in a car and drove 30 miles on public roads.
20. Then it was revealed his wife drives, so there was no reason for the "eye test", cos she could have driven them back to London.
21. Then it was revealed the "eye test" trip to a local tourist spot took place on his wife's birthday.
22. Then cameras filmed as he threw a cup onto the table, smirked and left.
23. And then it emerged his wife had written an article during the time in Durham, describing their experience of being in lockdown in London, which you'd definitely do if you weren't hiding anything.
24. A govt scientific advisor said "more people will die" as a result of what Cummings had done.
25. Boris Johnson said he "wouldn't mark Cummings " down for what he'd done.
26. The Attorney General said it was ok to break the law if you were acting on instinct.
27. The Health Minister said it was OK to endanger public health if you meant well.
28. Johnson said Cummings' "story rings true" because his own eyesight was fine before coronavirus, but now he needs glasses.
29. But in an interview with The Telegraph 5 years ago, Johnson said he needed glasses cos he was "blind as a bat"
30. Michael Gove went on TV and said it was "wise" to drive 30 miles on public roads with your family in the car to test your eyesight.
31. The DVLA tweeted that you should never, ever do this.
32. Then ministers started claiming Cummings had to go to Durham because he feared crowds attacking his home. The streets were empty because we were observing the lockdown.
33. And then a minister finally resigned.
34. Steve Baker, Richard Littlejohn, Isabel Oakeshott, Tim Montgomerie, Jan Moir, Ian Dale, Julia Hartley Brewer, 30 Tory MPs, half a dozen bishops and the actual Daily Mail said Cummings should go.
35. The govt suggested we can ignore them, because they're all left-wingers.
36. Then a vicar asked Matt Hancock if other people who had been fined for doing exactly what Cummings did would get their fine dropped. Matt Hancock said he'd suggest it to the govt.
37. The govt said no within an hour. Cummings' statement had lasted longer than that.
38. And if the guidelines were so clear, why were people being stopped and fined for driving to find childcare in the first place?
39. Then a new poll found people who wanted Cummings sacked had risen from 52% to 57%.
40. Cummings is considered the smartest man in the govt
41. And in the middle of all this, in case we take our eye off it: we reached 60,000 deaths. One of the highest per capita death rates worldwide.
42. We still face Brexit under this lot.
43. It's 4 years until an election.
44. And it's still only Wednesday"