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      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  

JabberLarney

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About JabberLarney

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  1. Joke

    TAFE Classes for men : Tafe is Technical College in Australia REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, 1st April 2010 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
  2. Joke

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.' (I'll get my coat...)
  3. Joke

    One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she complains of splinters. What can I do about this" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinnochio," said Gepetto later. "How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
  4. Joke

    Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . . He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff. The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!" By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius. The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing: Wait for it..... "A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."
  5. Joke

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
  6. Joke

    A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead" Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
  7. Joke

    Understanding Political Ideology FASCISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. FEUDALISM - You have 2 cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk. PURE COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours take care of them and you all share the milk. APPLIED COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you. NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich. MILITARISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in your apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY - The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for them. After the election the President is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The Press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract. BRITISH DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that its takes both, shoots one and milks the other, pouring the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms regarding the missing cows. CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a Bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because of bad Feng Shui. TOTALITARIANISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender. SURREALISM - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  8. Joke

    A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... and the rabbit is, like, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
  9. Joke

    INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON AMERICAN LIFE WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become
  10. Joke

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
  11. Joke

    A fellow touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The fellow, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the fellow returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and after inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they’re much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders, and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
  12. Joke

    Two, not too bright, sailors sank their boat and ended up in the life raft. After three days (one without water, two without food and three without beer) they felt something bouncing up against the raft. When they looked, they found an oil lamp. After deciding that it probably wasn't a genie, they decided to try anyway. Sure enough, out pops a genie with an attitude. "I know your types, three wishes and back in the bottle. So I will only grant you one wish and I will be gone." The genius of the two blurts out " I want all the beer we could ever drink in a lifetime." The genie replies "So be it" disappears and turns the entire ocean to beer. The other genius slaps his buddy upside the head and says "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the raft"
  13. Joke

    You may be a sailing bum if... 1. you think a Rhodes Scholar is someone who knows all about a famous boat designer... 2. any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine... 3. you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear... 4. your doctor reports your injuries to Abuse Authorities... 5. you think rum is the official state drink.. 6. your best shoes are Topsiders... 7. your car's hood ornament is the top off of a sailing trophy... 8.your idol is Jimmy Buffet... 9. your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices... 10. you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight... 11.your underwear has a North Sails logo... 12. your bar tab equals your paycheck... 13.you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast... 14.you use a marlin spike to break sunburn blisters... 15. you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times... 16.you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room... 17.you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer... 18.you have a Jell-O mold in the shape of a J/22... 19. your vacation plans center around championship regattas... 20.you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart.. 21. you think of duct tape as a long term investment.. 22. you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie... 23. you wear a sailing cap to church.. 24. people are afraid to touch your foul weather gear... 25.you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift... 26.you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin... 27.your wind instruments cost $2,000, and you have a bucket for a head... 28.the local boat yard's phone number is number one on your speed dialer... 29. you'll marry a girl just to keep a good fore deck person...
  14. Joke

    Inspired by the Bio's.... At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Dont be afraid of getting old, Alzheimers has it's advantages!