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    • Zapata

      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  

5359

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About 5359

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  • Birthday 12/25/2003

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  1. We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.
  2. A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, put’s her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, t he woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word... As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.
  3. Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
  4. Men strike back! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ---------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ---------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. -------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ---------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ---------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ---------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ---------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ---------------------------------------------
  5. subject: words for the life challenged!! 1. save the whales. collect the whole set. 2. a day without sunshine is like, night. 3. on the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. i just got lost in thought. it wasn't familiar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. i feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. remember, half the people you know are below average. 10. he who laughs last thinks slowest. 11. depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 12. the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 13. i drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 14. support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have. 15. monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. 16. a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 17. change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 18. get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade! 19. plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 20. always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21. if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 22. how many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand. 23. ok, so what's the speed of dark? 24. how do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25. if everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 26. when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 27. hard work pays off in the future. laziness pays off now. 28. everyone has a photographic memory. some just do not have film. 29. if barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30. how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 31. eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines. 32. what happens if you get scared half to death twice? 33. i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 34. i couldn't repair your brakes, so i made your hornlouder. 35. why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 36. inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened? 37. just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off. 38. light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak