Sometimes the funniest things are all true....
The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people whose first (or even second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural existence.
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis.The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.
2. I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable.
3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.
4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex?
6. My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bedtime. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections.
7. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine.
8. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me.
9. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain.
10. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at all. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity.
11. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions.
12. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do.
13. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch.
14. I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me.
15. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant.
16. The first time noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.
17. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.
18. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
19. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older, and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
20. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse.
21. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork?
22. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener, now I am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information
to suffering vagina.
23. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my promised one. She urges me so help me to help her. My new address (address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address, can I get vaginal infection without prescription.
24. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.
25. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water. I have re-organised my virginia recently.
26. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis.
27. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
28. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot tell my mother about it: she has no vagina.
29. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere.My vagina was discharged recently.
30. My vagina is deceased.
31. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.
32. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis.
33. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly. But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
34. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure.
35. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this infection quickly. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them.
36. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret.
37. At todays price of water, I'd rather use Nelex.
38. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address.
39. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms.