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    • UnderDawg

      A Few Simple Rules   05/22/2017

      Sailing Anarchy is a very lightly moderated site. This is by design, to afford a more free atmosphere for discussion. There are plenty of sailing forums you can go to where swearing isn't allowed, confrontation is squelched and, and you can have a moderator finger-wag at you for your attitude. SA tries to avoid that and allow for more adult behavior without moderators editing your posts and whacking knuckles with rulers. We don't have a long list of published "thou shalt nots" either, and this is by design. Too many absolute rules paints us into too many corners. So check the Terms of Service - there IS language there about certain types of behavior that is not permitted. We interpret that lightly and permit a lot of latitude, but we DO reserve the right to take action when something is too extreme to tolerate (too racist, graphic, violent, misogynistic, etc.). Yes, that is subjective, but it allows us discretion. Avoiding a laundry list of rules allows for freedom; don't abuse it. However there ARE a few basic rules that will earn you a suspension, and apparently a brief refresher is in order. 1) Allegations of pedophilia - there is no tolerance for this. So if you make allegations, jokes, innuendo or suggestions about child molestation, child pornography, abuse or inappropriate behavior with minors etc. about someone on this board you will get a time out. This is pretty much automatic; this behavior can have real world effect and is not acceptable. Obviously the subject is not banned when discussion of it is apropos, e.g. talking about an item in the news for instance. But allegations or references directed at or about another poster is verboten. 2) Outing people - providing real world identifiable information about users on the forums who prefer to remain anonymous. Yes, some of us post with our real names - not a problem to use them. However many do NOT, and if you find out someone's name keep it to yourself, first or last. This also goes for other identifying information too - employer information etc. You don't need too many pieces of data to figure out who someone really is these days. Depending on severity you might get anything from a scolding to a suspension - so don't do it. I know it can be confusing sometimes for newcomers, as SA has been around almost twenty years and there are some people that throw their real names around and their current Display Name may not match the name they have out in the public. But if in doubt, you don't want to accidentally out some one so use caution, even if it's a personal friend of yours in real life. 3) Posting While Suspended - If you've earned a timeout (these are fairly rare and hard to get), please observe the suspension. If you create a new account (a "Sock Puppet") and return to the forums to post with it before your suspension is up you WILL get more time added to your original suspension and lose your Socks. This behavior may result a permanent ban, since it shows you have zero respect for the few rules we have and the moderating team that is tasked with supporting them. Check the Terms of Service you agreed to; they apply to the individual agreeing, not the account you created, so don't try to Sea Lawyer us if you get caught. Just don't do it. Those are the three that will almost certainly get you into some trouble. IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DO ONE OF THESE THINGS, please do the following: Refrain from quoting the offending text, it makes the thread cleanup a pain in the rear Press the Report button; it is by far the best way to notify Admins as we will get e-mails. Calling out for Admins in the middle of threads, sending us PM's, etc. - there is no guarantee we will get those in a timely fashion. There are multiple Moderators in multiple time zones around the world, and anyone one of us can handle the Report and all of us will be notified about it. But if you PM one Mod directly and he's off line, the problem will get dealt with much more slowly. Other behaviors that you might want to think twice before doing include: Intentionally disrupting threads and discussions repeatedly. Off topic/content free trolling in threads to disrupt dialog Stalking users around the forums with the intent to disrupt content and discussion Repeated posting of overly graphic or scatological porn content. There are plenty web sites for you to get your freak on, don't do it here. And a brief note to Newbies... No, we will not ban people or censor them for dropping F-bombs on you, using foul language, etc. so please don't report it when one of our members gives you a greeting you may find shocking. We do our best not to censor content here and playing swearword police is not in our job descriptions. Sailing Anarchy is more like a bar than a classroom, so handle it like you would meeting someone a little coarse - don't look for the teacher. Thanks.

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mainsheetsister

That's Some Punny Shit

60 posts in this topic

Wood eye!....

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Isn't that one of those youthinasiaism thingo's like in the other thread?

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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

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A fish swims into a wall, "Dam" he says.

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

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3 guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the 3rd one would have ducked.

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

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A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said.

The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.

When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

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What do you get with an dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

 

 

 

 

...a guy who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

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Time to send some people to the PUN-itentiary?

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

 

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.

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with apologies to Spider Robinson

 

As humanity spread out across the galaxy a curious planet was discovered. Covered with rolling hills and prairie grasses the only sign of a higher life form came in the shape of a giant, mountain-sized humanoid statue. Upon closer inspection with x-rays and deep scan radar it was discovered that the statue was itself a living creature with internal organs and an apparently huge brain capable thought. Years of intense study to determine its origin followed but to no avail. The seemingly intelligent statue did nothing but sit there, perhaps lost in thought. How it had come into being remained a mystery. One day a xenobiologist screamed at the behemoth in frustration: "How!?! How could nature have created an organism out of rock that just sits there!? With a brain capable of huge feats of intellect that does nothing!?!"

 

As it turns out this was the first time a direct question had been posed to the statue loudly enough for it to hear. With a creaking of joints sounding like thunder the creature arose, scattering clouds and causing several earth tremors nearby. It stood silently for a moment then boomed out in an atomic bomb-like voice "It Couldn't!" then sat back down.

 

The xenobiologist slapped his forehead in sudden insight "Of course! It only stands to reason!"

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

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No matter how hard you try to push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.

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Wood eye!....

Hair lip! . . .

 

What was the joke, I forgot

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Wood eye!....

Hair lip! . . .

 

What was the joke, I forgot

Old Redd Foxx joke about a guy with a wooden eye who falls in love with a girl who has a mouth that runs up and down instead of side to side.... He loves her because she is the only person who never teases him about his wooden eye. He asks her "Would you marry me?" and she replies "Oh, would I!!" and he gets insulted and says "Forget it- Deal's off, Pussy-Face!!" Or something like that....

 

If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

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If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

One of my favorites:

http://www.amazon.com/You-Gotta-Wash-Your-Ass/dp/B000G04UBY

 

518XB8MKNCL._SY300_.jpg

If you want to get into some of the old time Apollo/Harlem comics (what was once called "the chitlin' circuit") check out Moms Mabley & Pigmeat Markham.

 

One of her lines was something like: "they say you should only speak good of the dead. He's dead. Good."

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion and Sarah Jessica Parker walk into a bar together, the bartender says...

 

 

 

 

"Hi ladies, why the long faces?"

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A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

 

I resemble that statement

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I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

I have applied to join the Optimist association.

 

But I don't think they are going to let me in.

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2 Mexicans are lost in the desert. Close to death from starvation one suddenly points ahead and says 'look, we are saved -there is a Bacon tree'! He jumps up and starts running toward the Bacon tree and just before he gets there he is cut down by a hail of bullets. With his dying words he yells to his companion "Stay where you are it is not a Bacon tree!"....

"It is a Ham bush."

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When the old sailor was asked if he was hurt after he had taken a tumble from the riggin' down on to the deck, he just said, "nah, I'm fine -- I'm used to hardships".

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Broken pencils are pointless

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-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

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Great thread! As they'd say in the armored infantry, "Tanks for all the puns."

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:o:o:o:o:o

 

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Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was sheared off in a car accident?

He's all right now.



Q:How much should I charge for this porn?

A: Whatever the market will bare.

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

 

What is brown, and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

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Tonight I walked in, bought stuff, and out of the corner store and the entire time there was a fellow standing by his motorcycle. I asked, "trouble?"

 

He said , " just s smoke break."

 

Thinking myself clever I replied," better a smoke break than smoking brakes."

 

Unfortunately for both of us he laughed

 

 

I asked him, " know why women are different from brakes???

 

Answering myself, " guys don't want smokin hot brakes"

 

The guy laughed again

 

" you know" says I," if you break your smoke it won't work for a smoke break"

 

 

I started my car, rolled down the window and as I left I drove by him and said, "no more smoke jokes. I"ll give you a break by making my own break for it."

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A woman walked backwards into a spinning aircraft propellor.

 

Disaster.

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Two men contracted to paint a rather large boat that served as a floating church Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to,they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church boat as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church boat , a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

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Hear about the new corduroy pillows?

 

They're making headlines.

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Two termites walk into a bar and ask

"Is the bartender here?"

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them. So close......

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them. So close......
.

 

And it would be just as humorous and

Less offensive to half of any audience with Democrat, lawyer, Christian, and basketball player

 

I would suggest black guy but with basketball player already there it would be redundant

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What did the Llama say when he got kicked off the farm? Alpaca my bags!

 

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Did you hear about the guy who fell into a lens grinding machine?

 

He made a spectacle of himself.

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What type of weapons to the dogs of war use?

 

 

 

 

 

Howlitzers.

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What'd the leper say to the hooker?

 

Keep the tip.

 

Can't play cards with lepers, hands are always getting thrown in.

 

Leper in a jacuzzi? Oatmeal.

 

Leper+hockey=faceoff in the corner

 

Love me some leper jokes.

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btw, SJP is in on the joke:

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...as are our equine friends:

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Speaking of horses today I decided to start preaching on trail rides to the cowboys who don't have access to church. I am calling it the sermon on the mount.

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two chemists walk into a bar - first one asks for H2O, second one asks for H2O too, the second one died -

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there once was a school of immortal porpoises and in order to maintain a specific diet - so one day they engaged the penguins to help them out.

 

the penguins had to go into the jungle and capture mynah birds and return to the porpoises.

 

along the way the penguins had to jump across a pride of recumbent lions.

 

at that point, they were arrested for transporting mynahs across staid lions for immortal porpoises

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Q/ What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A/ A walk


 

 

 

 

Q/ What's a Shihtzu?

 

A/ One with no penquins.


 

 

 

 

two wrongs don't make a right

 

(three lefts do)

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