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      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  

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mainsheetsister

That's Some Punny Shit

60 posts in this topic

Wood eye!....

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Isn't that one of those youthinasiaism thingo's like in the other thread?

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I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

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A fish swims into a wall, "Dam" he says.

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

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3 guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the 3rd one would have ducked.

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

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A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said.

The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.

When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

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What do you get with an dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

 

 

 

 

...a guy who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

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Time to send some people to the PUN-itentiary?

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization

 

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.

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with apologies to Spider Robinson

 

As humanity spread out across the galaxy a curious planet was discovered. Covered with rolling hills and prairie grasses the only sign of a higher life form came in the shape of a giant, mountain-sized humanoid statue. Upon closer inspection with x-rays and deep scan radar it was discovered that the statue was itself a living creature with internal organs and an apparently huge brain capable thought. Years of intense study to determine its origin followed but to no avail. The seemingly intelligent statue did nothing but sit there, perhaps lost in thought. How it had come into being remained a mystery. One day a xenobiologist screamed at the behemoth in frustration: "How!?! How could nature have created an organism out of rock that just sits there!? With a brain capable of huge feats of intellect that does nothing!?!"

 

As it turns out this was the first time a direct question had been posed to the statue loudly enough for it to hear. With a creaking of joints sounding like thunder the creature arose, scattering clouds and causing several earth tremors nearby. It stood silently for a moment then boomed out in an atomic bomb-like voice "It Couldn't!" then sat back down.

 

The xenobiologist slapped his forehead in sudden insight "Of course! It only stands to reason!"

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

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No matter how hard you try to push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.

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Wood eye!....

Hair lip! . . .

 

What was the joke, I forgot

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Wood eye!....

Hair lip! . . .

 

What was the joke, I forgot

Old Redd Foxx joke about a guy with a wooden eye who falls in love with a girl who has a mouth that runs up and down instead of side to side.... He loves her because she is the only person who never teases him about his wooden eye. He asks her "Would you marry me?" and she replies "Oh, would I!!" and he gets insulted and says "Forget it- Deal's off, Pussy-Face!!" Or something like that....

 

If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

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If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

One of my favorites:

http://www.amazon.com/You-Gotta-Wash-Your-Ass/dp/B000G04UBY

 

518XB8MKNCL._SY300_.jpg

If you want to get into some of the old time Apollo/Harlem comics (what was once called "the chitlin' circuit") check out Moms Mabley & Pigmeat Markham.

 

One of her lines was something like: "they say you should only speak good of the dead. He's dead. Good."

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

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A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion and Sarah Jessica Parker walk into a bar together, the bartender says...

 

 

 

 

"Hi ladies, why the long faces?"

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A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

 

I resemble that statement

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I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

I have applied to join the Optimist association.

 

But I don't think they are going to let me in.

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2 Mexicans are lost in the desert. Close to death from starvation one suddenly points ahead and says 'look, we are saved -there is a Bacon tree'! He jumps up and starts running toward the Bacon tree and just before he gets there he is cut down by a hail of bullets. With his dying words he yells to his companion "Stay where you are it is not a Bacon tree!"....

"It is a Ham bush."

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When the old sailor was asked if he was hurt after he had taken a tumble from the riggin' down on to the deck, he just said, "nah, I'm fine -- I'm used to hardships".

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Broken pencils are pointless

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-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

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Great thread! As they'd say in the armored infantry, "Tanks for all the puns."

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:o:o:o:o:o

 

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Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was sheared off in a car accident?

He's all right now.



Q:How much should I charge for this porn?

A: Whatever the market will bare.

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I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

 

What is brown, and sticky?

 

A stick.

 

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Tonight I walked in, bought stuff, and out of the corner store and the entire time there was a fellow standing by his motorcycle. I asked, "trouble?"

 

He said , " just s smoke break."

 

Thinking myself clever I replied," better a smoke break than smoking brakes."

 

Unfortunately for both of us he laughed

 

 

I asked him, " know why women are different from brakes???

 

Answering myself, " guys don't want smokin hot brakes"

 

The guy laughed again

 

" you know" says I," if you break your smoke it won't work for a smoke break"

 

 

I started my car, rolled down the window and as I left I drove by him and said, "no more smoke jokes. I"ll give you a break by making my own break for it."

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A woman walked backwards into a spinning aircraft propellor.

 

Disaster.

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Two men contracted to paint a rather large boat that served as a floating church Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to,they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church boat as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church boat , a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

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Hear about the new corduroy pillows?

 

They're making headlines.

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Two termites walk into a bar and ask

"Is the bartender here?"

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them. So close......

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A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them. So close......
.

 

And it would be just as humorous and

Less offensive to half of any audience with Democrat, lawyer, Christian, and basketball player

 

I would suggest black guy but with basketball player already there it would be redundant

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What did the Llama say when he got kicked off the farm? Alpaca my bags!

 

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Did you hear about the guy who fell into a lens grinding machine?

 

He made a spectacle of himself.

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What type of weapons to the dogs of war use?

 

 

 

 

 

Howlitzers.

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What'd the leper say to the hooker?

 

Keep the tip.

 

Can't play cards with lepers, hands are always getting thrown in.

 

Leper in a jacuzzi? Oatmeal.

 

Leper+hockey=faceoff in the corner

 

Love me some leper jokes.

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btw, SJP is in on the joke:

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...as are our equine friends:

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Speaking of horses today I decided to start preaching on trail rides to the cowboys who don't have access to church. I am calling it the sermon on the mount.

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two chemists walk into a bar - first one asks for H2O, second one asks for H2O too, the second one died -

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there once was a school of immortal porpoises and in order to maintain a specific diet - so one day they engaged the penguins to help them out.

 

the penguins had to go into the jungle and capture mynah birds and return to the porpoises.

 

along the way the penguins had to jump across a pride of recumbent lions.

 

at that point, they were arrested for transporting mynahs across staid lions for immortal porpoises

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Q/ What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A/ A walk


 

 

 

 

Q/ What's a Shihtzu?

 

A/ One with no penquins.


 

 

 

 

two wrongs don't make a right

 

(three lefts do)

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