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      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  

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the hurt locker

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Oh, to be a fly on the wall for this little post race chat between Jimmy Spithill and Russell Coutts after Oracle quit racing. How do you think that conversation started? And ended?



Russell: "What in the holy fuck was that?!"


Jimmy: "Fuck if I know."


Russell: "Should we sack Kostecki?"


Jimmy: "Fuck if I know."


Russell: "I gotta bring something to Larry!"


Jimmy: "Good fucking luck with that, mate."



Let's see your conversation. Best three get the new SA hat and stickers...

the hurt locker.png

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Russell: SHEEPFUCKER!
Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

Russell: Sheepfucker?

Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

Russell: Fucking sheepfucker!

Jimmy: Sheepfucking Sheep-fucker.

 

...

 

Russell: Sheepfucker.

Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

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JS: Hey, nice watch!

RC: It's an Omega, just got it.

JS: Omega! OMG, (in shock) It's happening!

RS: Jimmy, you're young, but smart, you should have known this much.

JS: God, I wish I could ditch this swag!

RC: You just need to stay a step ahead of the curve.

JS: Russel, you've been like a father to me... so F**ck you!

RC: You must return to your motherland, grasshopper, and begin again.

JS: Are you suggesting....NATIONALISM!

RC: ...cunning, and guile wins over youth and enthusiasm, get with the program.

JS: I can't go back, NOOOO!

RC: Get off my boat before I have to call Ben.

JS: I knew you liked him best!

RC: (on the phone) Ben, yeah, I got an issue here...

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Jimmy: Hey Russell. How's it going?

Russell: Good. Just watching cricket on the other channel. Hang on a second... Larry wants to say hi.

Larry: Hey Jimmy. After watching all those great Napa commercials I thought I'd pay them a visit. Nice place. Good buzz here. How'd it go today?

Jimmy: (Exacerbated) WTF?!? We put in all this time and you don't even bother to watch?

Larry: Foregone conclusion, friend. I've got Russell tyring to work dilomatic relations to get back on TNZ and my stock is in the shitter. Really nothing left to make changes so we thought we do something else. Sorry.

Jimmy: (understanding now) Makes sense. Do I still get my bonus?

Larry: Sure. Stock OK?

Jimmy: Ah, sure. Now, what do we do about the remainder of this event?

Larry: Whatever continues to distract from the cheating issue... Bring beer on the boat? Pull some skiers? That'll get 'em all up in a frenzy! Maybe get the Kiwi's to join?

Jimmy: Will do. Can you buy for us? People around here are no longer serving our team.

Larry: (silence)

Jimmy: Larry?

Larry: Ask Dalton.

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Spithill: Didja see my bitchin' start?

Russell: I've killed for less.....

Spithill: I think the crew spent too much time last night at the tenderloin sucking buffalo milk...

Russell: FUCK! And what spaz-fingered blow-hole tripped the leeward board dump switch on the 2nd jibe?

Spithill: Uh... I did luff em' up to the seagull shit at the 1st mark ? Ain't I sumthin?

Russell: But who in Lucifer's name spins the Choir-Boy at the leeward brothel like a Baptist whore with a $100 donation?

Spithill: It was the damned Slingsby again, Boss, ain't I something?

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JS - So I saved us from screwing up infront of the home crowd by the pulling the 2nd race

RC- WTF you embarrassed us even f in more

JS - Oh shit

RC - on a positive side you have made Ben Angry and you didn't want to do that !

JS - So I am demoted?

RC - Yes you get to race the team Finn in the next Olympics if you qualify

JS - Oh shit, I had better learn how to right the boat when I capsize

RC - not with our F in Boat

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RC: Did you forget that they schedule another one of those press conferences for tomorrow"

JS: Uuhh.. Shit

RC: Yeah shit is right. Forget Ellison, you're gonna have to answer to THE FUCKING WORLD

JS: Uuhhh yeah boss, how bout we let Ainsley take that one - he could use the exposure

RC: OK JImmy sure thing

JS: really?

RC: NO FUCKTARD OF COURSE NOT

JS: DO I gotta sit next to Barker again?

RC: I'll see what I can do about that

JS: Yeah he's a bit mean and scary

RC: Yeah...

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Jimmy, your momma called, she wants you to go back.

No, I am still young, not there, not again!

Oh yeah, Jimmy, time to start all over again, regroup, get a fresh start.

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JS: Foiling tacks eh?

RC: Not our best play.

JS: Always another race mate.

RC: We're pretty fucked mate

JS: I reckon John is shitting his pants right about now.

RC: I reckon Ellison is gonna pick a new sport.

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JS: you recon its those spoliers?

RC: I don't know, do you think they are producing lift or down force?

JS: [shrug]

RC: either way we're fucked.

JS: maybe we should ask Artemis for help....

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RC: What the fuck was that?

JS: Uhm. It all seemed like a really good idea at the time.....

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Russell - What do you want now Jimmy?

Jimmy - I gotta take a dump Russ.

Russell - Haven't you heard of the 'pre-race dump' Jimmy? Even beer can sailors take one before they go sailing.

Jimmy - Yeah well tell that to Kostecki, he just took one in his wetgear around the leeward mark!

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RC: You pulled the card!!!!

 

JS: I pulled the card????

 

RC: You pulled the card!!!!

 

JS: I pulled the card????

 

RC: You pulled the card!!!

 

JS: I won the start!!!!

 

RC: You pulled the card????

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RC- that was some best flying I've seen yet..... right up till the part you got killed

JS- blank look-

RC-You never never leave your wingman

LE- Jimmy, it's not your flying, it's your attitude

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RC: this isn't going to look good mate

JS: what are you talking about, aren't you from NZ

RC: piss off mate

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RC: They won't weigh us if we lose

JS: You're thinking, more lead in the bow?

RC: Yep, who's head are we going to throw the noose around this time?

JS: We'll think about that in a year or two?

RC: Yeah you're right. Just make sure those young fuckers don't expose us again when we give them our boat.

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Russell: What's the deal with Kenny's hair ?

 

Jimmy : I don't know, it looks like a badly dyed badger .

 

Russell : Is that why you wear your helmet all the time ?

 

Jimmy : That was mean, Russell. Don't you love me any more ?

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RC- that was some best flying I've seen yet..... right up till the part you got killed

JS- blank look-

RC-You never never leave your wingman

LE- Jimmy, it's not your flying, it's your attitude

 

 

Ha, yes, jut like Top Gun, but without the homoerotic subtext, maybe.

 

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JS: Guess we should have practiced more.

RC: You mean all those times I stopped practice to yak at you from the tender wasn't practice?

JS: For this chat, sure. For sailboat racing, probably not.

RC: I have important things to say.

JS: You should have told me 180 degree tacks on cats don't work.

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JS: We couldn't find the line.

RC: The line? What line?

JS: The line you grab when you go by the yellow floaty things that helps you whip around a turn. Like when you're the last one in a line of ice skaters and everybody whips you so fast. Really fast. It makes you go really fast and turns are easy. Awesome fun. We should go sometime.

RC: What's an ice skater?

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Russell: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?



Jimmy: Well, Kirby's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off JK's decisions, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. We're dealing with a lot of shit.



Russell: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! On Thursday. Go get 'em.


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Russell Coutts: Larry's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
James Spithill: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Russell Coutts: Larry's gonna shit!
James Spithill Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Russell Coutts: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
James Spithill: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

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JS: So what are we gonna do?

RC: Aukland here we come, I get to go home.

JS: what about me and the team? I'm an aussie?

RC: get a team together.

JS: we shouldda had a defender series... keep us sharper.

RC: screw that mate its the americas who lost, the GGYC. Neither of us are american or belong to GGYC. The cups going back where it belongs. Now all we have to do is get back in with our own countries!

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RC: Who told you to turn Super Speed off?!

 

JS: Kostecki...

 

RC: You should have pushed him off around the foil fail tack after that call.

 

JS: It's okay I figured out EMTZ it using Hyper Speed upwind that's why we can't catch them.

 

RC: Good. Just making sure it wasn't the tactics that were off.

 

Super Speed mentioned at 15:51

 

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RC - Jimmy, I can't thank you enough

JS - don't mention it Russel. Whatever I can do to help NZ

RC- can't believe no-one in the US has worked it out yet?

JS - what, that US is paying a shed load of money for us to take the cup back down-under?

RC - yes, really we must be careful not to make it too obvious? I mean: the boats are built in NZ, the sailors are from NZ.

JS - yes, that's why today JK was such a great help.

RC - same tomorrow?

JS - Sure

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RC: You had the f in lead at the leeward mark! What the F did you do? Who the F tries the crazy thing when they have the lead?

 

JS: Kostecki said we wanted that side of the course.

 

RC: Dalton went past you like the last sheep into the barn. Then you sailed the whole windward leg up the middle. WTF!

 

JS: Kostecki said we could stay in the middle. Local knowledge.

 

RC: Aggggh! Stop blaming Kostecki!! Where's you pride man?

 

JS: I have to go. Davies called his shout for the beers again.

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Russel: What's the problem, pal? You. Jimmy.

Jimmy: You're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Russel: You see this watch? You see this watch?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Russel: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - Win! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave.

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RC: What the hell was that?

JS: We messed our fluffturn...

RC: huh?

JS: Fluffturn..a foiling luff turn!

RC: Why don't you gosibwaaf next time!

JS: huh?

RC: Go straight idiot, before we are all fired!

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Russell : take off your helmet

 

Jimmy : Nope, I'm not falling for that one again.

 

Best caption so far.... hand hiim the price...standing ovation!!!

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Russel: what the fuck did you do?

Jimmy: just WOFTAM!!! (Waist Of Fucking Time And Money)

 

 

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Jimmy: “How the hell do you do that?”

Russell: “Yeah, it’s pretty easy, really.”

Jimmy: “Yeah, no, I don’t get it.”

Russell: “Look I’ll show you again. Just put your hand up to your mouth and make a really tight fist. Then blow real hard between your thumb and index finger. With a little practice you can make all sorts of big juicy fart sounds.”

Jimmy: “That's fucking brilliant!”

Russell: “Pretty much the same deal for duck calls.”

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JS: Hey Russell.. do you have a set of Race Instructions here, I want to check something..

RC: ugh??

JS: Yep, just want to check if throwing a tactician overboard is allowed or not..

RC: Dont worry and do it if you want to... since when do we worry about playing by the rules...?

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RC - Jimmy, I can't thank you enough

JS - don't mention it Russel. Whatever I can do to help NZ

RC- can't believe no-one in the US has worked it out yet?

JS - what, that US is paying a shed load of money for us to take the cup back down-under?

RC - yes, really we must be careful not to make it too obvious? I mean: the boats are built in NZ, the sailors are from NZ.

JS - yes, that's why today JK was such a great help.

RC - same tomorrow?

JS - Sure

RC - Jesus Spithill how did you get Kostecki on board with the plan?? I thought we agreed it was too risky to bring him in??

JS - Me!? I thought you'd finally had a word??

RC - what? Hang on, he did this himself? That's fucking brilliant, this couldn't be going much better...

JS - I know, he wants to pull the plug on race 6 as well...

RC - Well what the fuck are you still doing here? Get back out there and let him get on with it!

 

RC on the Sat phone; Hello, Mr Key? Yes it's Russell. Good news Sir....

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JS: I heard one of the rules in the NZ AC is that only nationals can sail.

RC: Huh?

JS: American boat has to have all American sailors. Aussie boat, Aussie sailors.

RC: Your point?

JS: Will you sponsor my new citizen application? They don't want me back.

RC: And you think I've got a welcome home parade in my future?

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RC: Jimmy, come here!

JS: What's up boss?

RC: What's your Facebook password?

JS: SUPlegend, why?

RC: I wanted to start writing your apology to Larry.

JS: What about you?!?!

RC: I'm a Kiwi, and based on today, Kiwi's know how to win races!

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Jimmy: “Ok then, let me just slip this in.”

Russell: “Ouch!”

Jimmy: “Right, a bit tight there. Go ahead and cough.”

Russell: “Cough.

Jimmy: “Again.”

Russell: “Cough, cough.”

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Russell: SHEEPFUCKER!

Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

Russell: Sheepfucker?

Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

Russell: Fucking sheepfucker!

Jimmy: Sheepfucking Sheep-fucker.

 

...

 

Russell: Sheepfucker.

Jimmy: Sheepfucker.

 

 

1st post wins.

 

1st post always wins...

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RC: just heard from one of the sponsors...

JS: ...not happy huh?...

RC: ...it's apparently not just that race, they've been reading our emails and stuff...

JS: ...is it that bad? are they pulling out?

RC: yeah- we gotta have the flags and "USA" off everything before the next race...

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Russell: “Jimmy, check it out. ‘Uh…ladies and gentleman…uh…greetings from the flight deck…will uh…be landing in beautiful Auckland in...oh..about 30 minutes…and uh…we’d appreciate if you would fasten your seatbelts and return your seats to the upright and locked position. Uh…we know you have a choice when selecting an airline and we’d really like to thank you for choosing Air Emirates. Enjoy the rest of the flight, we’ll be on the ground shortly.’”

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Russel: What's the problem, pal? You. Jimmy.

 

Jimmy: You're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

 

Russel: You see this watch? You see this watch?

 

Jimmy: Yeah.

 

Russel: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - Win! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave.

+1 Hilarious

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Russell Coutts: Jimmy we gotta make some changes!
James Spithill: You don't mean me?
Russell Coutts: Well Jimmy - one day you can be a rooster, the next a feather duster
James Spithill: Hey that is good! Can I use it?

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RC: Take this gun... take it.

RC: Cock the dam thing.

RC: Now point it here... (pointing at his forehead)

JS: No

RC:(grabbing the gun in his hand and putting it on his forehead) If i were the only thing standing between you and the cup do you think you have the balls to pull the trigger.

RC: Noo, No you don't

RC: Go home, move to the country and marry that girl, become a Quaker...

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JS: sup Russ?

RC: .......

JS: you ok, mate?

RC: you fuckin dick

JS: its all good mate, we're going to that other plan

RC: what other fuckin plan, you moron?

JS: geez Russ, the one we talked about the other night

RC: i was kidding you stupid prick

JS: .... You mean there is no other plan?

RC: no Jimmy, there is no other plan. Now fuck off, I gotta think before I call Larry.

JS: oh, ok Russ, I'll catch you later then, ok?

RC: jeezuz h Christ, I'm losing my will to live...

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Russell: How many times do you have to learn how to round the mark ?

Jimmy: What do you mean, that rounding was okay.

Russell: Are you kidding, living in America how do you not know what Jenny Craig is.

Jimmy: What are you talking about mate?

Russell: Like every American girl, they go in Fat, and come out thin, the JENNY FUCKING CRAIG

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RC: Ellison just called. He's driving the boat Thursday.

JS: He's fucking nuts.

RC He always has been. Live with it.

JS: He can't drive a fucking Hobie Cat.

RC: Apparently neither can you.

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RC: What the hell was that mate?

 

JS: A good start I reckon, have to keep it competitive.

 

RC: We have have sucked this teet dry, I can't stand another year working for that insufferable. NZ will nationalize the team and we all have jobs at home next year.

 

JS: No Christmas in Lanai?

 

RC: Make it look competitive, win another race if you like but try to be a little more subtle.

 

JS: Presser starts in 10 minutes, should I appear humble or apologetic?

 

RC: Nah, stay defiant. You are the best man but know your role. The cups comes home with us. Calling off the second race was brilliant.

 

JS: Thanks Mate, I think we can afford to win one more to keep up appearances.

 

RC: Don't get carried away Jimmy. Lots of jobs on the line here.

 

JS: Aye, take me in. Hope you are wearing your kevlar briefs.

 

RC: I will handle Larry, you just stop showing off and do what's best for god and country. These seppos don't deserve our talent.

 

JS: But I am better than Barker.

 

RC: Then beat him in the next cup.

 

JS: Aye, cheers mate.

 

RC: You did the right thing. Dropping the daggerboard the other day was brilliant.

 

JS: Just giving Larry exactly what he deserves, sir.

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Jimmy: So in the first two races, they jumped out into the lead at the first mark.

 

Russell: And what happened?

 

Jimmy: Well, they kinda kicked our arses. But thats ok, cos in the third race we won the start.

 

Russell: Well awesome! So how'd that work out?

 

Jimmy: Not as good as you'd hope, they kicked our arse again.

 

Russell: Fuck you little convict, you ever do anything right?

 

Jimmy: Hell yeah! In the fourth race we got the lead at the first mark and just sailed away to victory! Fuck my dick looks BIG in this outfit.

 

Russell: Sailed away? By how much?

 

Jimmy: 8 awesome fucking seconds! Boooyah!

 

Russell: Sailed away? 8 seconds? Ummmm, what? Doesn't sound like sailing away to me Jimbo.

 

Jimmy: Sure it was, only thing is that they had a problem with their wing and maybe we kina....errrr....well, at least we won, right?

 

Russell: So how'd race five go?

 

Jimmy: My fucking start was awesome and we dominated all the way down the 2nd leg! Yahhooooey!

 

Russell: And then?

 

Jimmy: And then they lifted their anchor and made like Gorillas by disappearing into the mist. And well, fuck me. Not sure what to do Russ.

 

Russell: Call it quits for the day, go home with some cookies and warm milk and play a nice friendly game of Monopoly?

 

Jimmy: *sniff* sounds good. Lets not tell Larry, ok?

 

Russell: Might be too late, just got a text from him with only two words in it: "Hari Kari"

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RC: Thank you for your interest in the 60th Annual High Sierra Invitational Regatta. We have refunded your entry (7:00am on 6/12/13) in full due to the fact that your entry does not qualify as a "one-design" or for our PHRF Fleet per the NOR

 

JS: what a wonderfully officious response! well at least you responded here, as opposed to responding the four e-mails that were sent. wouldn't it have been just so much better to drop me a note explaining what you were doing and why, which ironically despite your verbiage, you have still not yet explained? how do you know what configuration my boat is in that would implore you to such drastic action as to cancel my entry, refund my money, fail to respond to direct inquires about that, and yet still manage to fail to state the specific reason why you have excluded me from your event? do you think i am going to accept that?

 

RC: Formal notice was sent to you via US Mail. Please feel free to file an appeal with US Sailing.

 

JS: you do know that i own the most popular sailing website on the planet, do you not? if you think i will be treated this poorly and disrespectfully, without consequences, you are sadly mistaken.

 

RC: Don't you have and Opti fleet to race through or something? Maybe you can practice that foiling tack thing at their gybe mark.

 

JS: But I might hit one of them!

 

RC: No you won't. During that maneuver, you're so damn slow that RRS will probably classify you as an obstruction. Get on with it.

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RC: Jimmy give me the keys!

JS: No! Go screw yourself!

RC: That's it mister, GIVE ME THE KEYS!

JS: NO!

RC: 1, 2, 3, .....

JS: (silence)

RC: You're grounded! Go back and tell your friends you are done for the day!

JS: (back on the boat) Sorry boys "have to pull the plug" I got grounded.

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Russell - Lead?

Jimmy - Lead?

Russell - Yeah lead?

Jimmy - I don't get it?

Russell - you know, LEEEAAAD?

Jimmy - ohhh!! lead!

Russell - Finally! i reckon if we put put more lead in our pencils we could foil on paper better and out perform them............ Now, how to make it stick on the water??

Jimmy - yeah, or we could ballast the dolphin striker and all plead ignorance?

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Russell : take off your helmet

 

Jimmy : Nope, I'm not falling for that one again.

 

Best caption so far.... hand hiim the price...standing ovation!!!

+1

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Russell : take off your helmet

 

Jimmy : Nope, I'm not falling for that one again.

 

Best caption so far.... hand hiim the price...standing ovation!!!

+1

Thank you. Glad my humor was appreciated...sometimes it is not.

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Jimmy: Well, THAT mark rounding worked out!

Russel: LOL

Jimmy: Fuuuuuuck.

Russell: No fuckin' kidding.

Jimmy: Fuck it - we're going sailing.

Russell: I still got a couple hookers on board dressed like shore crew - want one for the ride?

Jimmy: Does the pope shit in the woods?

Larry (over intercom): Don't take the one that looks like a sheep this time!

Russell: LOL

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RC: Who's butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?

 

JS: The list is long, but distinguished

 

RC: Yeah, well so is my Johnson

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J.S - Well that was fun, what's on the menu at the base tonight Boss?

 

R.C - French night tonight..... Coq au Vin you little shit.......

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Jimmy: "I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!"

Russell:"All she's got isn't good enough! What else ya got?"

Jimmy:"Um... Okay, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannot promise anything, though!"

Russell:"DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!"

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RC: hang on a minute jimmy (on the phone to someone) yeah yeah yeah, just dust it off and stick the biggest foils on you can find

JS: what you up to boss?

RC: were dusting off BOR90 for the next race, hopefully no one will notice

JS: but its not even a cat . . . . and it could be DOG slow

RC: true but just think, that extra width will help you keep them behind, if you think you can get in front at the start?

JS: i like it! wool, eyes, pulled, sorted ;)

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RC: These American's are such a bunch of dip shits. Great job throwing the race! That foil tack was brilliant! Just like you trained, slow down as much as possible and don't cover! Lovely!

JS: Thanks mate, I'm tired of holding back though, do you think I could actually race to the level that I did coming out of Jr. Sailing?

RC: WTF? You want to win this thing and keep having to put up with shitty LV cup racing and low TV ratings? Not to mention having to put up with the Jerry Jones of sailing!

JS: You are right. New Zealand here we come!

RC: Krikey! Keep your eye on the prize!

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You guys obviously weren't paying attention, jimmy told us what they were talking about, weather and Rugby. Probably went like this.

 

JS. What's the forecast for the rest of the day? I've blown off the second race so I can get in a SAP after the press conference.

RC. Sorry mate I'll just check, I was watching a repeat of the rugby.

JS. I've stopped watching, the wallabies are killing me this season.

RC. Yeeh I don't know what is happened there. Their squad was looking really strong for the first have of the super season but when they came together for the Lions it all went to shit.

JS. Rugby is dead to me anyway its not as if I'll ever get a chance to earn money as an AC sailor in Australia.

JS. Hey boss, do you know when our pay cheques stop coming in? Is it this friday or next?

RC. I haven't been paid for months. Paul and I are having a meeting with a financial adviser next week to work out how we can make the money we've earnt in the last 20 years last us another 20. Trust me mate, you don't want to be over 50 and unemployed, the only work I could get this week was driving this fucking tender.

 

JS. FUCK Tom is driving the boat towards the shore again I'd better get back on and tack the boat around.

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Russell: What the fuck?

 

Jimmy: Sheep!

 

Russell: Sheep???

 

Jimmy: Yeah, Sheep!

 

Russell: What the fuck do you mean Sheep???

 

Jimmy: The Kiwis have got all the good looking ones. Its affecting team morale

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"Hey Jimmy. You know Larry has fitted remote controlled ejecter seats to this boat don't you?"

 

"Yep."

 

"So therefore you know that he could flick the switch on us at any moment don't you?"

 

"Yep."

 

"But do you realise that this is a hard top with no roof top hatches?"

 

"Oh fuck! Well at least I've got a fucking helmet Russel!".

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RC: Jimmy
JS: What's up?
RC: Talked to Larry.
JS: Oh. What'd he say?
RC: Same thing as last time.
JS: Really?
RC: Well he did add that next time he would do it personally and use a spoon.
JS: Oh my.

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This is the stupidest thread I have ever seen, talk about ill will and immaturity.

It seems the editor has not learned anything even after being sued.

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Russell: "What in the holy fuck was that?!"


Jimmy: "Do you remember in 'The Billionaire and the Mechanic' where LE got pissed at Cayardini for boasting about screwing the boat owner's twin daughters he worked for?"


Russell: "Yeah, so what?"


Jimmy: "And how he isolated Cayardini afterwards, since LE is a dad of a daughter himself?"


Russell: "And?"


Jimmy: "Last night I tied one on at the bar, and hooked up with this lady. This morning, I found out she was LE's daughter!"


Russell: "Holy sheep shit!"


Jimmy: "Holy sheep shit!"


Russell: "No wonder you sailed like shit today, it was nice knowing you mate."


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This is the stupidest thread I have ever seen, talk about ill will and immaturity.

It seems the editor has not learned anything even after being sued.

+1 .... mean while...ETNZ are planning next race

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JS: Don Couttseone, I don't know what to do, my boat is weak, it's weak... anyway, if I had those out-of-measurement rudders it puts me right back up on top again, but this, uh, this man out there, he just won't give it to me, the head of the measurement committee...

 

RC: Whash is name?

 

JS: Nicholson, Nicholson, he won't give it to me and he says, uh, there's no chance, no chance. Ah, godfather I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do... [sniffle]

 

RC: YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? IS THIS HOW YOU TURNED OUT, A SEPPO FINNOCHIO THAT CRIES LIKE A WOMAN? Waahh wahh what can I do, what can I do?

 

[Consiglieri Ainsley laughing over in the corner]

 

RC: What is that nonsense, ridiculous. You spend time with your crew?

 

JS: Of course I do.

 

RC: Good, b/c a skipper that doesn't spend time with his crew can never be a real skipper. C'mere. [RC wipes the tears of JS's face] You look terrrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest well, and in a month from now this committee bigshot is gonna give you what you want.

 

JS: Too late, we started racing last weekend.

 

RC: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. I hear he likes horses.

 

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RC: You remember that thing about underarm bowling?

 

JS : Yeah, it was before my time but I recall the story

 

RC: You remember what happened to the Australian Cricket Captain after that?

 

JS: Yeah

 

RC: You remember his name?

 

JS: No

 

RC: Well, thats my point

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JS: Hi Russ.

RC: ....

JS: Russ?

RC: ....

JS Your lips are moving but I cant hear you. You OK?

RC: ......

JS: You want a Red Bull? I get them for free.

RC: ....

JS: Wasn't I tough when I chewed out the crew, man I'm one tough motherfucker. They're scared of me and have never answered back.

RC: ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

JS: Oh that's better. I took my helmet off. Can hear now. What were you saying boss?

RC: ....... hole.

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RC: Jimmy, get in here and look at this.

JS: Gidday Russ, what you got there, Virtual Eye?

RC: No Jimmy its Sailing Anarchy.

JS: (Gulps) What are they saying Russ?

RC: They’ve done the numbers Jimmy, there is no boat speed advantage to ETNZ.

JS: What? We think there is a speed advantage, even Deano says there is a speed advantage!

RC: THEY HAVE DONE THE FUCKING NUMBERS JIMMY!

JS: (Looking pale) So, wadda they reckon Russ?

RC: They’re blaming the crew jimmy, they say heads need to roll.

JS: Gulp

RC: They say we need to ditch John and get Ben on the boat.

JS: and?

RC: some of them even say I should be driving.

JS: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

RC: WHATS SO FUCKEN FUNNY?

JS: (hangs head) sorry boss

RC: Right, JKs off, Bens on, we will see how we go.

JS: Russ?

RC: yeah?

JS: You’re a Kiwi, whats up with all the talk about Tarnifar on the Kiwi boat?

RC: (turns a green shade of pale) I don’t believe that mumbo jumbo bullshit.

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Russell: [Russell takes out a gun and shoots one of the shore crew] I'm sorry Jimmy, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Larry Ellison look like?

Jimmy: What?

Russell: What country are you from?

Jimmy: What? What? Wh - ?

Russell: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Jimmy: What?

Russell: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Jimmy: Yes! Yes!

Russell: Then you know what I'm sayin'!

Jimmy: Yes!

Russell: Describe what Larry Ellison looks like!

Jimmy: What?

Russell: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

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RC: So, what was it today Jim?

 

JS: Fucking ETNZ hacked our comms again Russ. Dean told me I was a girl and Razor said we can't do roll tacks. Dalts just breathed real heavy all the way up the beat. Put me right off.

 

RC: Those cheating bastards.

 

JS: Yeah they suck. Plus Larrys remote control helicopter interfered with the wing controls again. Can you ask him to keep it away from the boat while we're racing?

 

RC: Yeah, Nah, he wont take my calls anymore.

 

JS: Shall we just play the audio tape from the 4th race onboard for Thursdays race? Someone was crying at the finish line, Soooo embarrassing.

 

RC: Yup, don't mix it up with your Little River Band albums like last time, that was nearly a major embarrassment. Now, go and look like youre practicing real hard. Good boy.

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RC: I think you gonna find, when all this shit is over, Jimmy, I think you gonna find yourself one smiling muthafucka. Thing is Jimmy, right now, you got ability, but painful as it may be, ability don't last, and your days are just about over. Now that's a hard muthafuckin fact 'a life, but that's a fact 'a life yo ass is gonna have to get realistic about. See this business is filled to the brim with unrealistic muthafuckas, muthafuckas who thought they ass would age like wine. If you mean in terms of vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't. Besides Jimmy, how many races you think you got in you anyway, hmm? Two? AC Skippers don't have an old timer's place. You came close this time, but you didn't make it. And if you were gonna win this one, you would have won it by now. You my nigga?

JS: Certainly appears so.

[RC hands JS a stack of cash]

RC: Rest of the races you may feel a slight sting. That's pride, fuckin witch you. FUCK PRIDE. Pride only hurts. It never helps. You sail through that shit. Cuz three years from now, when we kickin it in Auckland, you gonna say to yourself, Russell Coutts was right.

JS: I got no problem with that Mr. Coutts.

RC: In the next races your ass goes down. Say it.

JS: In the next races my ass goes down.

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The Wolf RC: You're... Jimmie, right? This is your house Boat?

Jimmie: Sure is.

The Wolf RC: I'm Winston Wolfe Russel Coutts. I solve problems.

Jimmie: Good, we got one.

The Wolf RC: So I heard. May I come in?

Jimmie: Uh, yeah, please do.

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Oracle Thunder! script:

 

Coutts: "Everybody knows you never do a full retard."


Spithill: "What do you mean?"


Coutts: "Check it out. Buddy Melges, Dennis Conner, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic. Sure. Not retarded. You know Forrest Gump? Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a ping-pong competition? That ain’t retarded.


You went full retard, man. Never go full retard!"

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Russell: how were the pies?

Jimmy: fuck Russell they were cold again!!

Russell: Jimmy, they were chicken & mushroom - exactly what you asked for

Jimmy: they were fucking cold!!!

Russell: Fuck me Jimmy, we've been through this - you can have a choice of pie or heat but not both - your choice. You went for chicken & mushroom - end of story!!

Jimmy: I don't fucking care Russell, I want a pie warmer too - ETNZ have got 2 of the fuckers for chrissakes - do we want to win this cup or not??

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