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uh, dude, that joke needs a rework, men are not supposed to have a diary.

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Two Pakistani heroin addicts injected curry powder by accident last night and were rushed to hospital. One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other's in a korma.

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Adam is approached by God who says:

 

Adam, I have a deal for you. I will create a gorgeous, sexy smart woman for you who will fullfill all your desires. But its going to cost you an arm and a leg.

 

To which Adam replies:

 

I don't know, what would you give me for a rib?

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>

>A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a

>little

>perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says

>aloud, "Jeesh, I

>wonder what happened to this parrot?"

>

>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

>

>"Holy crap," the guy r eplies. "You actually understood and

>answered me!"

>

>"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

>intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

>

>"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto

>your

>perch without any feet?"

>

>"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

>asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

>You

>can't see it because of my feathers."

>

>"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English

>can't

> you?"

>

>"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

>reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion,

>sports,

>physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

>ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

>

>The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't

>afford

>that."

>

>"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,

>nobody

>wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for

>$20;

>just make the guy an offer!"

>

>The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

>

>Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of

>humor,

>he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

>sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy i s delighted.

>

>One day the gu y comes home from work and the parrot goes,

>"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wi ng. "I don't

>know if

>I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the

>postman."

>

>"What are yo u talking about?" asks the guy.

>

>"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

>the door in a sheer black nightie."

>

>"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

>

>"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her

>nightie

>and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

>

>"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

>

>"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his

>knees

>and began to kiss her all over...."

>

>Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

>

>"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

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A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man.

 

I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down.

 

Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."

 

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune."

 

The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet.

 

"That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"

 

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.

 

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."

 

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager.

 

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist.

 

The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?"

 

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."

 

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set.

 

When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss.

 

On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"

 

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

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A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man.

 

I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down.

 

Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."

 

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune."

 

The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet.

 

"That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"

 

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.

 

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."

 

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager.

 

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist.

 

The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?"

 

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."

 

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set.

 

When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss.

 

On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"

 

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

Grumps, not so much a joke but a fitting song to go with your post...

 

I wanna play piano in a whorehouse

That has been my one desire.

Some people may be farmers or ranchers out in Butte

I just want to play in a house of ill repute.

You may laugh at this, my humble occupation

But carnal copulation's here to stay;

I don't want fame or riches,

I just want to play for those old bitches

I wanna play piano in a whorehouse.

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Piet, the South African miner loses a leg in a terrible mining accident.

 

When he gets out of hospital, he goes to a bar with his mate, and pours his heart out,

 

"It's terrible, what am I going to do to earn money. Who needs a one legged Gold digger ?"

 

His mate replies...

 

"You could try giving Paul McCartney a ring..."

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

 

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

 

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

 

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

 

The woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

 

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

 

"Yes", he replied.

 

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, the woodcutter went home happy.

 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

 

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

 

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Paris Hilton "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

 

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

 

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Paris Hilton, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie . Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Paris Hilton ."

 

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

 

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

 

THE GUYS

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"The cowboy position"

 

A seldom written about ancient standard position;

Coitus is achieved with the woman on her hands and knees, man is behind.

 

After some moments of shared coital bliss, you mention that her sister likes it this way too!

 

You just have to hang on for 8 seconds.

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

 

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

 

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

 

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating, " her father replied.

 

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

 

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

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A 'touchy feely' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."

 

 

the marine shrugged and in a one word answer said: "Recoil".

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A man goes to the zoo.

 

When he gets there, there was only a dog.

 

It was a shitzu.

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A man goes to the zoo.

 

When he gets there, there was only a dog.

 

It was a shitzu.

 

 

also read:

 

'what's a shitzu?'

'one with no penguins'

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Linda, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all her

vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up

there, and she slipped out of it for an over-all tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Linda asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here and, besides, I'm covered with a towel."

 

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

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How it Happened

 

My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.

 

"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe--"

 

But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.

 

"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."

 

"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"

 

"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."

 

By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.

 

"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)

 

I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"

 

My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"

 

"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."

 

"How about a hundred years?" he said.

 

"How about six days?" I said.

 

He said horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."

 

I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"

 

"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning-- Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"

 

I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."

 

 

 

 

(From a short story by Isaac Asimov)

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Finnish Drinking Game:

 

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu . They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside...

 

Advanced: Two Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside...

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A guy goes into an antique store short on time. He sees this brass rat with stunning detail, and while not a fancier of the rodent, sees the quality and goes to buy it. The shop keeper says, "Before you buy this, there is a story I must tell you." The guy said he is in too much of a rush for the story and puts $300 in the shop keepers hands and bustles out of the store.

 

He gets home and places the brass rat on the fireplace mantel. Moments later, he starts hearing things outside of his house. He looks out the front door and there are rats knawing at the door, knawing at the windows, they have surrounded his house and are clammoring to get in at the brass rat. He looks up the street and sees tens of thousands of rats running towards his house.

 

Quickly he thinks and he grabs the brass rat, runs out the door and looks behind and all of the rats are chasing him. He runs up the block to the oceans edge and tosses the brass rat out into the water as far as he can. The rats chase the brass rat into the water and die in mass. Tens of thousands of rats floating dead. Wow.

 

He goes back to the antique store, and the shop keeper has this gleam in his eye, and said, "I knew you would be back. I knew you would want the story behind the brass rat. I knew it wouldn't take long." The guy said, "No. I don't want to know the story behind the brass rat, I want to know if you have any brass multihullers?"

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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

 

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost

went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey

Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his

family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And

then the trouble started.

 

 

:rolleyes:

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A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups"

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what does DNA stand for?

 

 

 

National Dyslexics Association

 

 

AndyH

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A man's translations

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

 

"IT'S A GUY THING"

 

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

 

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

 

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

 

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

 

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

 

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

 

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

 

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

 

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

 

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

 

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

 

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

 

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

 

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

 

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

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Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting

 

for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an

 

Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.

 

 

 

They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in

 

these situations. All of a sudden the doctor

 

bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this

but your wives have all

 

had their babies within 5 minutes each other. "

 

 

 

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said

 

the doctor, "they have all had little boys."

 

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

 

 

 

"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all

 

the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the

 

nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to

 

try and help identify them."

 

 

 

With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the

 

nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks

saying, "There's no doubt

 

about it, this boy is mine!"

 

 

 

The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the

 

babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of

 

West Indian descent.

 

 

 

"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is

 

a f#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk.

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I'm not taking the risk ... of him growing up and being a better sailor than me!

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I'm not taking the risk ... of him growing up and being a better sailor than me!

...and definitely a better bait taker....damn that one went deep... :lol:

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I'm not taking the risk ... of him growing up and being a better sailor than me!

...and definitely a better bait taker....damn that one went deep... :lol:

 

Bang! That was my 25kg tackle exploding from that strike! :lol:

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In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

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blondgeometry.jpg

Now you got my mathematical side started. IMHO, the blonde is right. Her answer is 100% correct.

 

Why? Because the question is ambiguous. 'Find', is an ambiguous word, it does not necessarily mean 'compute', it could also mean 'locate'. And the question does not specify that x represents the length of the diagonal side of the triangle, that is only implied. Bad bad bad. I say two things:

1) Kids who answer "x=5" without further thought understand just as little about real mathematics as the blonde.

2) Any teacher who grades this answer with less than a 100% score is incompetent and must be fired on the spot.

 

OK, rant over. I found it funny too, actually...

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blondgeometry.jpg

Now you got my mathematical side started. IMHO, the blonde is right. Her answer is 100% correct.

 

Why? Because the question is ambiguous. 'Find', is an ambiguous word, it does not necessarily mean 'compute', it could also mean 'locate'. And the question does not specify that x represents the length of the diagonal side of the triangle, that is only implied. Bad bad bad. I say two things:

1) Kids who answer "x=5" without further thought understand just as little about real mathematics as the blonde.

2) Any teacher who grades this answer with less than a 100% score is incompetent and must be fired on the spot.

 

OK, rant over. I found it funny too, actually...

You must be blonde, no?

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blondgeometry.jpg

Now you got my mathematical side started. IMHO, the blonde is right. Her answer is 100% correct.

 

Why? Because the question is ambiguous. 'Find', is an ambiguous word, it does not necessarily mean 'compute', it could also mean 'locate'. And the question does not specify that x represents the length of the diagonal side of the triangle, that is only implied. Bad bad bad. I say two things:

1) Kids who answer "x=5" without further thought understand just as little about real mathematics as the blonde.

2) Any teacher who grades this answer with less than a 100% score is incompetent and must be fired on the spot.

 

OK, rant over. I found it funny too, actually...

You must be blonde, no?

Negative, light brown. But I got blonde eyebrows :).

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In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

 

 

 

What do you call a dog with wings?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda McCartney

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An Englishman and an Irishman die on the same day and get to the pearly gates together. They are greeted

 

by St. Peter who announces that they only have room for one. St. Peter says that they will open the pearly

 

gates to the person who can best use the word Timbuktu in a poem. He looks to the Englisman first and

 

thinking quickly the Englishman replies.

 

"I was walking across a field so green and came across a river

 

"the river was as blue as blue I swear it ran to Timbuktu".

 

St. Peter replied very well done. Then asked the Irishman for his poem. The Irishman replied.

 

"Tim and I a campin' went

 

"When we came across three maidens in a tent

 

"Since they were three and we were two

 

"I buck one and Timbuktu"

 

I'm not really sure who got in.

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In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

 

 

 

What do you call a dog with wings?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda McCartney

 

Straight to hell young man. Go on, off with you!

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LOL Grumps!

Need something for this nasty rope burn... ah Bowgirl?

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A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

 

"No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

 

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.

 

This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."

 

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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I'm not taking the risk ... of him growing up and being a better sailor than me!

...and definitely a better bait taker....damn that one went deep... :lol:

 

Bang! That was my 25kg tackle exploding from that strike! :lol:

Damn Vodka, should have stuck to beer! Looking at it now I can hear the line flying off the reel as you two bastards coming flying up from down below screaming "Fish on!"

I'll try and calm down a bit in the future before hitting reply!

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Looking at it now I can hear the line flying off the reel as you two bastards coming flying up from down below screaming "Fish on!"

01~0.JPG

 

Still a bit of fight left in him Grumps...Onya Kiwi...fair enough!!

 

Tag and release is a good thing...expect it back!

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todays email joke........

 

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

 

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have inyour herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

 

"Sure, Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

 

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give my back my calf?"

 

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

 

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

 

 

 

 

Now give me back my dog

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Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter.

 

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away.

 

 

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper

as no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

>

>-----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------

THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION :

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away.

 

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

 

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know

why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others

>less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

>

>The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering

>grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his

comfortable

>warm home with a table filled with food.

>

>

>Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor

>grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

>

>The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate

>in front of the ant's house.

>

>The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from

>North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall

>Overcome."

>

>Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten

>rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate

tax

>hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

>

>In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity

>and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning

>of the summer.

>

>It is quickly passed through the Senate.

>

>The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire

>grass hoppers as helpers.

>

>

>Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed

>retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

>

>The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agribiz company.

>

>The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the

>last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the

>government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old

>house, crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.

>

>Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed

>to head a Commission of Inquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

>

>The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Sydney Morning

>Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address

the

>root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

>

>The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,

>praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural

>diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.

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While Naomi stands around telling everyone 'I'm as good as Ray, why won't anyone talk to me??'

 

Farkin ants! scum of the earth I tell ya.

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How temperature affects the mind!

 

 

 

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Scotland sunbathe.

 

 

 

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.

People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

 

 

 

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in

Scotland throw on shorts and a T-shirt.

 

 

 

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.

People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

 

 

 

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.

People in Scotland have a last barbi before it gets cold.

 

 

 

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.

People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

 

 

 

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.

People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

 

 

 

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Scottish Boy

Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

 

 

 

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

 

 

 

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.

People in Scotland get angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky.

 

 

 

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows

complain of farmers with cold hands.

 

 

 

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.

People in Scotland start saying "A bit Pearl Harbour, ... eh?"

 

 

 

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.

SCOTS SUPPORT ENGLAND IN THE WORLD CUP

 

 

.

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sorry if it's a re-run .. dont have time to see if it's already in here

 

 

RECTUM STRETCHER

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge

only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing

smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

 

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

 

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?"

 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way

up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

 

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard!

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Dear Diary,

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

 

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....He didn't call back.

 

Guess I won that stupid argument

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So this old sheep shearer's feeling a bit low, no energy and pretty miserable and decides he'll see a doctor. Goes in and has a bit of a yarn and the full check up, bloods, exrays, cardio the whole nine yards. When done the Doc says to him that he's in really good shape and asks when he last had a holiday. The shearer says "holiday? Mate, six kids to feed and a bloody missus, I've never had a holiday since I staretd work"

 

"Well its about time, you need a rest" says the Doc.

 

With that the shearer gets up to leave and the doc speaks up again, "Just BTW, you've got the dirtiest balls I've ever seen.

 

Shearer toddles off home and says to his old girl, "Doc says I'm ok, maybe need a bit of a rest. He recomends a holiday."

 

Missus, a bit frazzled with a crying baby on her hip, dinner on the stove, washing basket full and ready to hang out freaks out and screams, "YOU need a holiday! YOU! What about me?Kids, laundry cooking! Holy shit I haven't got enuff time to wipe my arse!"

 

Shearer says, "I was gonna talk to you about that...."

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Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

 

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

 

 

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

 

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 

 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

 

 

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually activewith your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

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Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. During a recent trial in a small town, the prosecuting lawyer called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

 

 

She replied, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you will never amount to anything more than a cheap paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?"

 

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defence lawyer almost died.

 

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

 

 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

 

 

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

 

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Two guys are pushing their carts around Safeway when they collide.

 

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my

 

wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

 

The second guy says, "That's OK. It must be a coincidence. I'm looking for

my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

 

 

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife

 

look like?"

 

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue

eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing white short shorts. What does

your wife look like?"

 

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Just figured out how this works (yeah I know...slow as a wet week) and have had these things cluttering the puter for ages...so apologies if they have been seen before.

 

need glasses??

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One fine day in the waiting room at Auckland maternity ward: Young bloke, anxiously awaiting birth of first child, and older Maori bloke waiting totally relaxed for kiddie no.9. Young fella asks: "Cuz, you look like you know the story, how long do you have to wait after the birth before you can make love again?" Old fella answers:"DEpends when the rest of the ward gets to sleep, bro."

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Little Johnny sitting on the stairs, Mum watching him. He's got a bag of jelly beans. He pops one in his mouth, bites the cat and moves down a step. He eats another jellybean, bites the cat, moves down a step. Mum says: "What are you doing Johnny?" "I'm playing Trucker, Popping Pills, Eating Pussy and Movin' On!"

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Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. During a recent trial in a small town, the prosecuting lawyer called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

 

 

She replied, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you will never amount to anything more than a cheap paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?"

 

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defence lawyer almost died.

 

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."

 

There is a story about Clarence Darrow defending one of his first clients. At the moment he is cross examining the eywitness.

 

Darrow

"Let me get this perfectly clear. You did or did not actually see my client bite off the victims ear?"

 

Witness

"No sir, I did not see your client bite off the victim's ear."

 

Darrow, who should have known to stop whe he is ahead, goes on.

"I see, if you did not see my client bite off the victim's ear, how can you be so sure that my client is guilty?"

 

Witness

"Because I saw him spit it out."

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in

a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and I now wish to

withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get

a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

 

My luck is so bad that, if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation .... as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

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Who said seppoes cant be funny?

I love this stuff. :lol:

 

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

 

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

 

Abbott: I certainly do.

 

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

 

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

 

Costello: You mean funny names?

 

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

 

Costello: His brother Daffy.

 

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

 

Costello: And their French cousin.

 

Abbott: French?

 

Costello: Goofè.

 

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

 

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

 

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

 

Costello: Are you the manager?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

 

Abbott: Well I should.

 

Costello: Well then who's on first?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy on first.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The first baseman.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy playing...

 

Abbott: Who is on first!

 

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

 

Abbott: That's the man's name.

 

Costello: That's who's name?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's who?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: Who's playing first?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

 

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy that gets...

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Who gets the money...

 

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

 

Costello: Whose wife?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

 

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: The guy.

 

Abbott: Who.

 

Costello: How does he sign...

 

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

 

Costello: Who?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first.

 

Costello: One base at a time!

 

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

 

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

 

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

 

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: Ok.

 

Abbott: All right.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

 

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

 

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

 

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

 

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

 

Costello: What's on first?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third.

 

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

 

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

 

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

 

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

 

Costello: What am I putting on third.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: You don't want who on second?

 

Abbott: Who is on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

 

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

 

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

 

Abbott: Who's playing first.

 

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

 

Abbott: No, What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

 

Abbott: Who's on first!

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: Because!

 

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: Tomorrow.

 

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

 

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

 

Costello: Then go ahead.

 

Abbott: Tomorrow!

 

Costello: What time?

 

Abbott: What time what?

 

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

 

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

 

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: The catcher's name?

 

Abbott: Today.

 

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

 

Abbott: Now you've got it.

 

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

 

Abbott: So they tell me.

 

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

 

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

 

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

 

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

 

Abbott: Yes!

 

Costello: Now who's got it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Who?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Naturally?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

 

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's different.

 

Costello: That's what I said.

 

Abbott: You're not saying it...

 

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

 

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's what I said!

 

Abbott: You ask me.

 

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Now you ask me.

 

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: What?

 

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America... Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

 

You must now refer to them as APP ALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

 

And furthermore..

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

 

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

 

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

 

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

 

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

 

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

 

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

 

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

 

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

 

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

 

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

 

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

 

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

 

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

 

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

 

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

 

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

 

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

 

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

 

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

 

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to

ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder. The

driver screamed, lost control of the

cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches

from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was

silent in the cab, and then the still

shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you

scared the daylights out of me."The

frightened passenger apologized to the

driver, and said hedidn't realize a mere

tap on the shoulder could frighten him

so much.

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry,

it's entirely my fault. Today is my first

day driving a cab. I've been driving a

hearse for the last 25 years."

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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the Doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

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These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

 

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

 

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns.

 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of

the door.

 

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

 

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these

blinds?"

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday

minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want."

 

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the

clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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The Mechanical, Electrical and Civil Engineer were arguing which profession was more like God. The Electrical Engineer said that God must be an Electrical Engineer. The sophistication of the schematic of the nervous system in the body, sending complicated messages over very low voltage lines, and supplying a variable rate of electric stimulation to the heart is just incredible. The Mechanical Engineer said that God must be a Mechanical Engineer. With the flexibility of the skeleton system, the weight to strength ratio, and the ability to self repair makes it just incredible. The Civil Engineer said that God must be a Civil Engineer. Who else would put the sanitation facility right next to the entertainment center?

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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a

valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same

speed as you.

 

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car

and you cannot overtake it.

 

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

 

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same

speed as you.

 

 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

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The first interplanetary scientific, botanic and biological expedition from Earth landed on Mars.

 

Whilst it had been determined by earlier expeditions of discovery that there was friendly intelligent life on the red planet, there had been little contact with the Martian race, so the leader of the expedition was eager to investigate their ways of living.

 

Soon after the crew had disembarked from their ship they were surrounded by a large group of slightly humanoid people who were able to converse with the Earth crew in their own languages.

 

Determining that the Martians had learnt Earthen languages from radio and TV broadcasts they picked up, the whole group retired to the Martian city and began a long process of learning about each other.

 

As readers may have already suspected, the discussions soon got round to reproduction of the species: when the leader from Earth broached the subject, the Martian began to explain but the others could not understand the process at all so he volunteered to demonstrate how it was done on Mars.

 

He selected a female from his team; they took off their heavier outer garments and stood opposite each other.

 

The male place the index fingers of his left hands in each of the females three ears, placed one right hand under the chin of the female, cupped her ears with his remaining hands and began a quietly beautiful incantation in Martian.

 

As they watched, the Earthlings saw a lump form in the female’s throat and within thirty seconds she spat a perfectly formed and apparently mature but tiny Martian into the waiting hand of the male.

 

The Martians turned to the expedition and asked how this process was handled on Earth.

 

The leader attempted to explain, but as with the Martian explanation, the other side was baffled and could not understand him.

 

The Martians asked for a demonstration, so the leader, not backward in coming forward, selected a particularly beautiful assistant geographer he had been slavering over since she joined training, overcame her objections by declaring how important the communication was, and set about the dark deed with more than a little enthusiasm.

 

Ten minutes later he was facing the Martian leader who had a querulous look on his face.

 

“Is that all?” he asked.

 

“That’s about it!” the Earth Commander declared.

 

“But where is the issue, the new human?” the Martian asked mystified.

 

“Well, we can’t be sure there will be one for a while yet; but if there is to be one, he or she will be along in nine earth months.” explained the Commander.

 

Still uncertain, the Martian leader responded; “Well, if the new person will not arrive for nine Earth months, if at all, why were you both in such a hurry at the end?”

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

 

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did, and warmed his hands.

 

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warmit up."

He did, and warmed his nose.

 

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

 

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother,

"Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

 

The results:

 

Drink: Beer

Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

 

 

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

 

 

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

 

 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

 

 

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

 

 

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get

totally drunk... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

 

 

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

 

 

 

 

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

 

 

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

 

 

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 

 

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

 

 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

 

 

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

 

 

White Zinfandel: He's gay

 

 

:D

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One For Poor Pabs the little Dick that he is. :P

 

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call

on his mobile phone.

 

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for

everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a

typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Queenslander

just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a

typical Queensland boy."

 

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of

"STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

 

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.

 

The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby

that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big

he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

 

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

 

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 the day he was born.

 

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says

 

 

 

"Had him circumcised!" ;)

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In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained (finally in

a language girls understand):

 

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop

assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you

must have.

 

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them

with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

 

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money

to pay for the shoes.

 

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

 

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and

sees your dilemma.

 

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

 

As she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper

and buy the shoes!

 

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and

whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper,

catch the purse and buy the shoes!

 

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been

thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other

shopper and you would be OFFSIDE! :ph34r:

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A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visit.

 

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

 

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

 

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

 

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

 

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

 

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

 

The bartender grins and yells,

 

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand, wee man," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night, ken.

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that, pal! And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

 

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

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From a German TV show: They interview couples in the street seperately, then compare the male and female's answers. Husband goes first.

Q: "When last did you have sex?"

A:"Yesterday"

Q:"Who with?"

A:"My wife over there"

Q:"Where did you have sex?"

A:"In the kitchen"

Wife's turn to be interviewed

Q:"When did you last have sex?"

A:"Last night"

Q:"Who with?"

A:"My husband, of course!"

Q:"Where did you have sex?"

A:"I.....I'd rather not say"

Husband:"It's OK, I already told him"

Wife (embarrassed): "Well, in my ass."

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What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,

fatty."

 

********************************

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

********************************

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you

for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going? He replies, "I'm coming too I want

to see how you live on £800 a year".

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Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron." The other looks at the first and says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive."

 

 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender puts it in front of him. As the neutron goes for his wallet, the bartender says "No, really, it's OK. For you, no charge."

 

/here all week, try the veal

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Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron." The other looks at the first and says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive."

 

 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender puts it in front of him. As the neutron goes for his wallet, the bartender says "No, really, it's OK. For you, no charge."

 

/here all week, try the veal

Excellent! :lol:

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Another Aussie Love Story

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the

agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his

favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered

his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

 

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the

bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,

he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the

door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

 

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the

kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a

happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards

the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and

withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table,

 

 

 

when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral

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Why we should never argue with a woman:

 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides

to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to

take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her

book.

 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are

you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at

any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the

woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could

start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

 

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

 

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

 

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

 

 

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

 

16. .. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

 

19.. Procrastinate Now!

 

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

 

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

 

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

 

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background! music.

 

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

 

 

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

 

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

 

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

 

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

 

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

 

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

 

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

 

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows **** ALL about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

 

 

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

 

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening ?"

 

 

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

 

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

 

 

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

 

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

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Y 'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar

called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that

when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your

3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now

the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you

like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid,

and it is all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every

word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself,

 

personally, no," said the Irishman... "But it did happen to me sister."

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