JOD

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Panic gripped the......them in summer

All true, but there's nothing like sailing 505's in the North Sea off Stonehaven and Peterhead!

 

don't i know it!

Many a Uni team race in driving sleet in Peterhead harbour in November! At least Aberdeen Uni laid on some good beers, even if the women-folk were a little hairier than i'd prefer

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A bloke goes to a party and sees a good looking bird on the other side of the room. He goes over to her, says g'day and asks her name.

 

She says it is Carmen, to which he replies "that's a nice name, is it your family name"? "No," she says, "it's a name i gave myself because it represents the things I like best in the world, cars and men."

 

"What's your name," she asks.

 

He thinks fast and says "Rum Root".

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Three labs -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped "

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The Perfect Husband?

 

Several men are in the changing room of a yacht club. A mobile phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: " Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$70,000"

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000 "

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

 

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman

he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was

completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

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Many years ago I used to have a Labrador retriever. One afternoon, I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Since this was such an obviously DUMB question, on impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and because the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.

 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

 

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door.

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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY

THE CENTURY.

 

Charlotte, North Carolina:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and

expensive cigars, then insured them against, among

other things,

fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile

of these great

cigars and without yet having made even his first

premium payment on

the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the

insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost

"in a series of

small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the

obvious reason, that

the man had consumed the cigars in the normal

fashion.

 

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the

insurance company that

the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held

a policy from the

company, which it had warranted that the cigars were

insurable and also

guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,

without defining what

is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was

obligated to pay the

claim.

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal

process, the insurance

company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the

lawyer for his

loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance

company had him

arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the

previous case being

used against him, the lawyer was convicted of

intentionally burning his

insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in

jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

This is a true story and was the First Place winner

in the recent

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

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A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she

looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex

Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the

instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way

home.

 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions

and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog

will do what he has been trained to do.

 

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing

happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,

"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So the

blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in

and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn

frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and

says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more

time!"

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A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Everytime he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."

 

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

 

The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."

 

"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.

 

The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."

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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY

THE CENTURY.

 

Charlotte, North Carolina:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and

expensive cigars, then insured them against, among

other things,

fire.

blah blah blah, blah blah, blah.

 

Burned again

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. it's an urban legend.

 

This is a true story and was the First Place winner

in the recent

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

 

nice story though.

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FIRST DEGREE

 

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment

and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is

clear."

 

SECOND DEGREE

 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks

familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands

her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

 

 

THIRD DEGREE

 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and

buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she

finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the

gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

 

FOURTH DEGREE

 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

 

 

FIFTH DEGREE

 

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

 

 

SIXTH DEGREE

 

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US

government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the

Delaware"

 

 

SEVENTH DEGREE

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the

blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his

dog, then sat down on the steps.

 

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my

possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

 

They send me a BLIND policeman."

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Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.

 

"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"

 

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

 

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

 

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

 

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

 

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

 

So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"

 

"We're celebrating!" he replies.

 

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

 

"Anal sex week!"

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Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

 

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

A. He was half nuts!!!

 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

 

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

 

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

 

Q: What is the new gay website address?

A: c : enter # # #

 

Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?

A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

 

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A: About three inches.

 

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

 

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car

only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?

A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

 

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

 

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

A. It changes their blood type.

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For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously..........

 

 

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

 

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

 

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese that is in the trap.

 

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

 

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

 

15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?

 

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

 

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me

 

 

 

Joke 2

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

 

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

 

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the

Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he

cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this

from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair

remover and??rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At

the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under

your

arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

 

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a

couple of days."

 

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my "schnauzer."

 

he druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Two guys meet and are standing talking.

One guy says to the other How did you get that big bump on your forehead.]

 

Guy answers I was giving my wife a doggy and she ran under the house

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Two guys meet and are standing talking.

One guy says to the other How did you get that big bump on your forehead.]

 

Guy answers I was giving my wife a doggy and she ran under the house

 

AA, I hope your previous six posts were better than this!

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

 

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

 

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ... and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

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DATE RAPE DRUG SCAM WARNING!!!

 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

 

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

 

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".

 

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

 

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women whom they would never normally be attracted.

 

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad" occurred.

 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

 

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

 

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know!

 

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

 

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Yacht Clubs" in the phone book.

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B)-->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ Aug 11 2006, 02:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Two guys meet and are standing talking.

One guy says to the other How did you get that big bump on your forehead.]

 

Guy answers I was giving my wife a doggy and she ran under the house

 

AA, I hope your previous six posts were better than this!

 

woeful

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh

blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some

sleep.

 

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started

hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off

and let him get some sleep.

 

 

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow

me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats

behind him.

 

 

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of

trees.

 

 

Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

 

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

 

 

"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

 

"There is." he replied,

 

"Breakfast."

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B)-->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ Aug 11 2006, 06:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Two guys meet and are standing talking.

One guy says to the other How did you get that big bump on your forehead.]

 

Guy answers I was giving my wife a doggy and she ran under the house

 

AA, I hope your previous six posts were better than this!

Jeff,

If you want your humor simple, go watch TV.

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

 

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients.It's not like you're the first ..."

 

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until the voice in his head said, "But then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians...."

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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

 

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

 

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

 

 

 

"Test of Three?"

 

 

 

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

 

 

 

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

 

 

 

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the

test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

 

 

 

"No, on the contrary..."

 

 

 

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

 

 

 

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

 

 

 

"No, not really..."

 

 

 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

 

 

 

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

 

 

 

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

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don't know if this one has been up here before or not - i can't find it so if it has, i'm sorry : deal with it

 

enjoy

 

 

"We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... These are all

numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about

you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that

way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not

work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In Fact,

all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to

act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea

what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine,

really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping."

 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

 

cheers,

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An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Wal-Mart with her two

kids.

Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she demanded of the Wal-Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

 

"Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the greeter. He chose a cart for her.

 

"Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.'

 

If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman.

 

"Sorry, Ma'am," the greeter said, standing aside. "You and the twins have a nice day."

 

The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look

alike."

 

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe

you got laid twice."

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"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

 

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

 

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...

"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

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There was a big party at the Playboy Mansion one night. Lots of celebs showed up for the festivities. Mick Jagger arrived the rest of the Stones to party hearty. Mick walks in and gets the usual celebrity greeting and then makes his way upstairs to drop his coat off in one of the bedrooms. When he opens the door he finds Denis Weaver and Hefner in a violent argument. Mick doesn't have a chance to back out of the room before Heff jumps all over Denis Weaver and starts beating the daylights out of him. Hef' is wailing away on Weaver who is getting the crap beat out of him. Jagger rushes in and hollers...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey Hugh, get off o' McCloud"

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, she demanded of the Wal-Mart greeter

 

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe

you got laid twice."

 

 

you guys have people who's job it is to welcome you to the supermarket?

 

now THAT is worthy of the joke page!!

 

we are quite radical in the UK - we have a door.

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Only at Wal-Mart... it's odd, I'm with you on that one. And it's always some old geezer that couldn't do any other job anyways.

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The following is supposedly an actual question given

on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the

professor shared it with colleagues, via the

internet, which is, of course, why we now have the

pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 

> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)

>

> or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students

>

> wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

>

> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is

>

> compressed) or some variant.

>

> One student, however, wrote the following:

>

> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is

>

> changing in time. So we need to know the rate at

>

> which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at

>

> which they are leaving. I think that we can safely

>

> assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not

>

> leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

>

> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look

>

> at the different religions that exist in the world

>

> today. Most of these religions state that if you are

>

> not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

>

> Since there is more than one of these religions and

>

> since people do not belong to more than one

>

> religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

>

> With birth and death rates as they are, we can

>

> expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

>

> exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of

>

> the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that

>

> in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to

>

> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

>

> proportionately as souls are added.

>

> This gives two possibilities:

>

> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the

>

> rate at which souls enter Hell then the temperature

>

> and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

>

> breaks loose.

>

> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

>

> increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and

>

> pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

>

> So which is it?

>

> If we accept the postulate given to me by Cathy

>

> during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day

>

> in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into

>

> account the fact that I slept with her last night,

>

> then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that

>

> Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The

>

> corollary of this theory is that since Hell has

>

> frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any

>

> more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only

>

> Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine

>

> being which explains why, last night, Cathy kept

>

> shouting "Oh my God."

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The following is supposedly an actual question given

on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the

professor shared it with colleagues, via the

internet, which is, of course, why we now have the

pleasure of enjoying it as well.

 

> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)

>

> or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students

>

> wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

>

> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is

>

> compressed) or some variant.

>

> One student, however, wrote the following:

>

> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is

>

> changing in time. So we need to know the rate at

>

> which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at

>

> which they are leaving. I think that we can safely

>

> assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not

>

> leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

>

> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look

>

> at the different religions that exist in the world

>

> today. Most of these religions state that if you are

>

> not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

>

> Since there is more than one of these religions and

>

> since people do not belong to more than one

>

> religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

>

> With birth and death rates as they are, we can

>

> expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

>

> exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of

>

> the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that

>

> in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to

>

> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

>

> proportionately as souls are added.

>

> This gives two possibilities:

>

> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the

>

> rate at which souls enter Hell then the temperature

>

> and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

>

> breaks loose.

>

> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

>

> increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and

>

> pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

>

> So which is it?

>

> If we accept the postulate given to me by Cathy

>

> during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day

>

> in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into

>

> account the fact that I slept with her last night,

>

> then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that

>

> Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The

>

> corollary of this theory is that since Hell has

>

> frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any

>

> more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only

>

> Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine

>

> being which explains why, last night, Cathy kept

>

> shouting "Oh my God."

 

I laugh everytime I see that! Thanks DD. I hope that kid got an A+ for the whole course based on that alone.

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, she demanded of the Wal-Mart greeter

 

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe

you got laid twice."

 

 

you guys have people who's job it is to welcome you to the supermarket?

 

now THAT is worthy of the joke page!!

 

we are quite radical in the UK - we have a door.

 

Bloody peasants

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I just went to the supermarket here in Aus to get some lunch.

 

Oldies day down there today. Fuck I hate oldies day, I swear they team up on me where one zig-zags down the isle with the spacial awareness of a walnut while another sneaks up behind and unloads with a viscous elbow to the kidneys.

 

I'll be pissing blood for the next week while the old biddies gather at the bowls club and swap tactics on how to fuck me up on their next day out of the home.

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Two Australians boarded a flight out of Sydney. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Kiwi kicked his shoes off,

wiggled his toes and was settling in when the aussie in the window seat said,

"I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the Kiwi, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the aussies picked up the Kiwi's shoe and spat

in it. When he returned with the beer, the other aussie said, "That looks

good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to

get it and while he was gone, the other aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the Kiwi returned to his seat, they all sat back and

enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiw slipped his

feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

He looked at the two aussies and asked, "Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?

This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

 

- thanks to Seaquesta for that one.

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her

room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was

washing her private area

and noticed that there was a slight response on the

monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and

sure enough there was a small,

recognizable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened,

telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do

the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical,

but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

 

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's

room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no

heart rate.

 

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they

cried.

 

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she

yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count

to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

 

 

 

 

"No... it's because you're 25."

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The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals she

isn't wearing any panties.

 

Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband

demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford

any," she replies.

 

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the

sake of decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some

underwear."

 

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her

skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties.

 

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" her husband

demands.

 

"I can't afford any on the money you give me," she replies.

 

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's

20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to place her ball on the tee.

The wind also took her skirt overhead to reveal that see, too, is

naked under it.

 

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" her

husband demands.

 

"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any," she

replies.

 

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love

o'Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.

 

Tidy yerself up a bit.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs & one night he's doing a show

 

in a small town in Arkansas.

 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb

 

blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair & starts

 

shouting:

 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think

 

you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's

 

hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who

 

keep women like me from being respected at work & in the community &

 

from reaching our full potential as a person - Because you & your kind

 

continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women

 

in general, & all in the name of humor!"

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, & the blond yells,

 

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your

 

knee."

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Sadly, John was born without ears. And although he proved to be

successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One day he

needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three

interviews.

 

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was

very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked "Do you

notice anything different about me?" Why yes, I couldn't help but notice

that you have no ears" came the reply. John did not appreciate his

candour and threw him out of the office.

 

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the

first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything

different about me?" "Well," she said, stammering, "You have no ears."

John again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

 

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a

young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart and he seemed to

be a better businessman than the first two put together. John was

anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do

you notice anything different about me?"

 

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact

lenses, don't you?" John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly

observant person. "Why, yes, I do." John replied. "How in the world did

you know that?", he asked. The young man then fell off his chair

laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear

glasses with no fuckin' ears!"

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[Everywhere has it's Palmerston - you'll get the idea. Centrelink is the dole office.]

 

A woman walks into the Palmerston Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

 

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

 

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

 

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

 

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

 

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

 

"OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one - he is Terry, also."

 

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

 

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

 

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?"

 

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."

 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

 

"I call them by their last names!"

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudl

 

every morning when he awoke.

 

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and

make her gasp for air.

 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it

was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

 

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

 

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

 

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and

he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards

 

and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

 

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,

gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of

his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which

was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps

as he ran into the bathroom.

 

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes!

 

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained

underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked

him what was the matter.

 

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and

I didn't listen to you."

 

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,

and today it finally happened.

 

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got

most of them back in."

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it

has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were

Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid

form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for

use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself

a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives

new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good

old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the

name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and

Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there

should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

:lol:

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Testicular Removal

 

 

 

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

 

 

 

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

 

 

 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

 

 

 

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

 

 

 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

 

 

 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey!"

 

 

 

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

 

 

 

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls!"

 

 

 

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

:ph34r:

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A female officer pulls a man over for drunk driving.

 

After the man fails all tests miserably, the officer has no choice but to arrest the man.

 

The female officer tells the man,

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you."

 

 

 

The drunk replies, "Tits"

 

 

 

 

/c

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Two casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

 

A very attractive blonde woman from Charleston, South Carolina arrived ....and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed...

 

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

 

She hugged each of the dealers...then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

 

Moral:

 

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men...are men.

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible; I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

 

 

 

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's fuckin' perfect".

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one last gasp for the world cup...

 

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious buildingafter an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

 

But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each -but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the typeof punishment.

 

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow."

 

The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

 

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

 

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters somethingunder his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40."

 

There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006.

 

The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration -obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

 

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.

 

"Tie the fucken Italian to my back" he replies.

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, Well-dressed Good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

 

"May I help you?" she asked.

 

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

 

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would Prefer Someone else," said the madam.

 

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

 

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred Dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

 

After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

 

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too Expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went Upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded That he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie And they Went upstairs.

 

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been With me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

 

The man replied, "South Carolina.""Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

 

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's Attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

 

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are Certain:

 

1. Death

 

2. Taxes

 

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of

golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy

the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole

in one when his cell phone rang.

 

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been

in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and

that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized

he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the

hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round

shooting a

personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and

beating his previous best game by more than 10.

 

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling

guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor

and asked about about his wife's condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and

finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of

yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself

at the

country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as

well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more

than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require

'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She

died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

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What do you think is going through the cat's mind right about now?

 

watersport_cat.jpg

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Your 1* inflatable versus my 4* cat claws…..I’ll take my odds :angry:

 

[i still call photoshop]

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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my girl mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took another drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

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A pirate walks into a bar.

 

Bartender say, "What's up with that steering wheel in your pants?"

 

Pirate says, "YAARRHH, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!"

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What do you think is going through the cat's mind right about now?

 

watersport_cat.jpg

 

"Awe crap! If somebody gets a picture of me doing this, they're for sure going to photoshop it into some impossible situation for me, probably involving a boat of some sort...and water...lots of friggin water. But what the hell, Mr. Bird, say hello to my little friends, Mr. Claws"

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What do you think is going through the cat's mind right about now?

 

"Awe crap! If somebody gets a picture of me doing this, they're for sure going to photoshop it into some impossible situation for me, probably involving a boat of some sort...and water...lots of friggin water. But what the hell, Mr. Bird, say hello to my little friends, Mr. Claws"

 

 

 

The one in the yellow PFD is Sardonic and the cat just got "launched" - ARMEGEDON!!!!!

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There once was a salty old sailor

 

The capatain of the Navy ship Tanner

 

This man of much class

 

Was realy an ass

 

But saved the state of Louisiana

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A three-legged dog walks into a bar and yells:

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

 

damn, thats my dad's favorite joke! never heard it anywhere else.

 

 

alright, i'll add one here:

 

2 fish in a tank, "How the fuck you drive this thing?"

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A pilot climbs out of a crashed airplane as he is asked by the emergency crews, "what happened?" his response: "I dont know, i just got here myself".

 

if you're flying a twin and one engine dies, you still have enough power to make it to the crash site.

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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger."

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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and

looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey

says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up

and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the

lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the

river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into

the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps

him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The

lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with

the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while

taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks

into the jungle,finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a

joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says

"faaaaaaaaarkdude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he

goes down the road to the next farmer, explains his problem and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

 

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster,named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got,no problem."

 

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3000, a lot of money, but the farmer

decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

 

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

 

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

 

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

 

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

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No where else to put this...so...

 

Was just at the bank...the girls behind the teller screens are having some sort of computer problem and they have their head lady helping. Four fellas lined up at the windows aged from late twenties to late fourties.

 

Head bank lady says to her subordinates..."quick Julie...you jump on Heather and I'll take care of Judy."

 

Four blokes look at each other with smiles and giggles....I was on the way out the door when the girls realised what happened....you had to be there!

 

Which bank?

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Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

 

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

 

"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".

 

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

 

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."

 

The other two were shocked.

 

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."

 

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you girls understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."

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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

> She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her

>immediately.

> She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer

to

>hers.

> As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

> "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face

with

>both hands.

> "Actually, no," he replied.

> "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,

running

>her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

> "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there

anything I

>can do?"

> "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,

running

> her

> forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a

couple of

>her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

> "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

> "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand

soap, or

>paper towels in the ladies room."

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the frequent - flyers amongst you should enjoy these ;

 

cheers,

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

 

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

 

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, just pick your favorite."

 

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines"

 

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

 

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

21 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,

"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

 

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more."

- Oscar Wilde -

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...and another one, which I actually heard,

 

" If you enjoyed your flight today, please tell all your friends how much you like Easyjet. If you didn't enjoy it, please tell them you flew British Airways"

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After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Arthur notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

 

At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

 

But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

 

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

 

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me silly, ...... before the surgery.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt that there must be a mistake. He thought "She probably meant 1.5 gallons," so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

 

The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

 

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

 

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

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a man walks into the kitchen and puts a large frog on the table

 

his wife, who's doing the dishes, looks around and says

 

"what on earth is that?"

 

"that, is an extremely rare Peruvian blow job frog" he replies

 

"well, what do you expect me to do with it?" she asks

 

"teach it to cook then bugger off"

 

misogynists unite

ww

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9. If you are traveling with more than one small child, just pick your favorite."

 

Variation on #9 that I heard on a Delta flgiht from Boston to Orlando:

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Pull the mask over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who's just acting like one...... secure your mask before assisting with theirs. "

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the frequent - flyers amongst you should enjoy these ;

 

cheers,

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

Actually heard by me on a Southwest flight. The FA is doing the usual safety briefing "... the cabin is pressurized for your comfort and safety. Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, whoa! then you're just out of luck...." ... dead silence as everyone stops reading the newspaper and looks up at him, not sure they really heard him say that. "... Now that I have your attention, the proper procedure for donning a mask is as follows...

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1.Two fish swimming along, suddenly swim into a brick wall.

 

 

 

 

Damn!

 

 

2.Why are Pirates called Pirates?

 

 

 

 

Because they ARRRRRR!

 

 

3.What do you do after you've had a baby?

 

 

 

 

Put its nappy back on.

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