JOD

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I do enjoy your autobiographical stuff best, Evo.

 

... as the person who sent it to me alluded...what is this?......stereotyping?

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A construction worker and an attorney man were drinking in a bar. A beautiful blonde saunters in. She has full breasts in low-cut top, long legs in a short black skirt. As she slides her tight hips onto a bar stool, the construction worker says “I’d sure like to screw her”. The attorney says, “out of what?!”

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A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

 

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

 

There is a silence..........then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?

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A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

 

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in more than 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

 

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

 

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!"

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Hello Everyone,

 

Here's your totally useless fact of the day:

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

 

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must

first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after

the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him

realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems

before adding "NEW" problems.

 

OPRAH:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants

to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his

mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this

chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life

like the rest of the chickens.

 

GEORGE W BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know

if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either

against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

 

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of

the chicken crossing the road...

 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN :

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been

allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's

intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in

his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a

standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price

dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider

information.

 

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the

chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

 

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front

of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they

call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you

eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens

until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with

seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not

be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

 

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us

the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

 

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken

tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a

serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of

crossing the road.

 

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

 

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but

will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath

the chicken?

 

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition

of chicken?

 

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

 

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

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A husband and wife check in to hotel, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While the husband was tuning in the football, the wife slips away to the john and changes. She emerges in the flimsiest of negligees, and the husband is completely astonished.

The wife says: “ honey, what were you thinking the first time you saw me like this?”

husband replies “ I wanted to suck you tits dry and fuck your brains out.”

 

..The wife asks in a sultry voice: “… and what are you thinking now?”

The husband says:

“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”

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WOMEN !!

 

 

 

Living Wills*..........be careful in their use

 

 

While I was watching the NCAA basketball playoff games, my wife and I

got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living

wills.

 

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted

to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking

fluids from a bottle.

 

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

 

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

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The brain, the heart, the lungs, stomach, etc. were hanging around discussing which of them was the most important part of the body and therefore ought to be the boss.

"Every nerve comes back to me, and I direct everything in the body," sid the brain. "So of course, I should be in charge."

"Phooey!" said the heart. "I pump blood around the body. When I stop, everything stops. I should be the one."

"Really," sniffed the lungs. "And how long do you last without oxygen, o brainy one?"

And so it went, as each major organ spoke of its own importance.

Just then, the asshole piped up. "I think I should be in charge."

The rest of the body roared with laughter and told the asshole to STFU.

 

The little asshole crept away and closed up. After three days, the brain had its worst migraine ever, the heart was pounding, the lungs wheezed, the stomach kept throwing up. "OK, OK," they all cried to the asshole. "You win. You can be in charge."

 

And that's why there's an asshole at the head of every organization in this world.

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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

 

Depends how thin you slice them.

 

"Doctor, there's a man in the waiting room who's claims he's invisible."

"Tell him I can't see him now."

 

I regret that I have only one life to give for my country. If I had two , I'd feel a lot safer.

 

How do you make a dog drink?

Put him in the blender.

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A woman wakes up in the morning and finds a note from her husband: "Here I am a 54-year old succesful accountant. Since there must be more in live I ran away with my 18-year old secretary. Send any message to the Hilton in London."

The next morning the husband receives a message from his wife: "Here I am a 54-year old housewife. Since there is more in life I am having fun with my 18-year old toy-boy. The great accountant you are you will, of course, realize that 18 goes more often in 54 than 54 in 18!"

 

Teacher showed the class pictures of animals and ask for the name. She pick up one of a forest creature eating grass with antlers. Becky said "I know, it's Bambi.

No said the teacher, anyone else?

No one raise a hand so the teacher said "What does you mother call your Father?".

Johny Grossout stood and waved, the teacher said "Okay, what is it?"

Johnny said,"It's a horny bastard."

 

An elderly couple living (separately)in a retirement community were keeping company together every twilight with the same routine; the older gentleman would escort his ladyfriend to the porch, they would sit together on the glider and watch the sunset. While watching the sunset, the older fella would place the lady's hand on his crotch, and they would smile at each other in contentment. But unexpectedly the old fella started courting a new female member of the community, following the same routine as before. When the slighted woman asked her former boyfriend, "Just what does that hussy have that I don't?", her former flame replied with one word:

 

Parkinson's.

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"Women are like IOR boats, the successful ones are designed with bulges to improve their rating."

 

How many french people died in WW2?

Not enough.

 

how many men does it take to defend france?

they don't know, its never been tried.

 

how do you sink a polish battlecruiser?

put it in the water.

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How To Amuse Yourself At Wal-Mart:

 

1. Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watch what happens.

 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. Move the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

 

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. In the auto department, practice the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while, then yell very loudly, "Thereis no toilet paper in here!!!"

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A Train hits a bus load of Catholic high school girls and they all perish.

They are all in Heaven and trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact

with a penis?"

 

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with

the tip of my finger."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever

had any contact with a penis?"

 

The girl is reluctant but replies, "Well, I once fondled and stroked one."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip your whole hand in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl

is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,

St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

 

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water, I want

to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

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How To Amuse Yourself At Wal-Mart:

 

1. Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watch what happens.

 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 

6. Move the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

 

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. In the auto department, practice the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while, then yell very loudly, "Thereis no toilet paper in here!!!"

 

One of my favorites is to take a canteloupe into the bathroom, assuming someone is in there already, go into a stall, hold the melon at head-height, then grunt and groan for 30 seconds as loud as I can, before dropping the melon in the commode. Makes for very interesting looks when you exit the stall.

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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman storms into the K-mart department store, screaming obscenities at her two kids in tow.

 

As she continues through the entrance, the happy store door-greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-mart - nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

 

The rude, aggressive, mother stops screaming long enough to turn and snarl back: -

 

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

 

"Absolutely not," replies the cheery greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

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What makes an Amish woman happy?

 

 

 

Two Meninite.

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One of my favorites is to take a canteloupe into the bathroom, assuming someone is in there already, go into a stall, hold the melon at head-height, then grunt and groan for 30 seconds as loud as I can, before dropping the melon in the commode. Makes for very interesting looks when you exit the stall.

 

 

Curling with the frozen chickens in the freezer aisle is good too

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Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

 

"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver

won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I

have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

 

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I

am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there is nothing you

could say or ask that I would find offensive."

 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me. "She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single

and #2, you must be Catholic."

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I"m single and I'm

Catholic!"

 

"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy

with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back

on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm

Jewish."

 

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a

Halloween party."

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Men Are Just Happier People--

 

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never r have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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You can play with toys all your life.

Yeah but the toys women use make us orgasm.

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The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

For the record, I've never dressed up as a nun.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived

....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll

of the dice.

 

 

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier

when I play topless."

 

 

 

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and

yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

 

 

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and

squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

 

 

 

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her

winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

 

 

 

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one

of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

 

 

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were

watching."

 

 

 

Moral -

 

 

 

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men.....are men.

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A Newfie guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the

crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could

manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?..... 'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your dick in a splint to let it

heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four

tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all

together; ...an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their

honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her

beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched

these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, still in

the CRATE!"

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i was readind a magazine article the other day that stated drinking to much alcohol is bad for you health..

 

I think i mite have to give up reading

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Wife and the Mistress

 

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them

are really taking their time and are slowing the men

up. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask

those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking,

but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets

back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One

of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.

Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts

to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

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A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

 

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under

the sheets as her husband undresses.

 

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry

frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss

anyting you want.

 

Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,

which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)

for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,

"I want to try somethin I have heard about.....numbaa 69"

 

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

 

" You want... Beef wiff Broccori now?"

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I got this the other day from a friend (i've changed the names just incase they were factual)

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out

on someone you don't know.

 

Story:

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten

to make.

 

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

 

I politely said, "Hi, could I please speak with John Smith?"

 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin

number!"

and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone

could be so rude.

 

When I tracked down John's correct number to call him, I found that I

had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

 

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Wanker!" and

hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Wanker' next to it, and

put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying

bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a

Wanker!" It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'Wanker'

calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi,this

is Terry Nutkin from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our

Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I

quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Wanker!"

 

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a

parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and

pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and

yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

 

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his

number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Wanker ( I had

his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land

Rover Wanker, too.

 

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"

 

Yes, it is", he said.

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

 

"Yes, I live at Nelson Mandela House, Peckham. It's a terraced house, and

the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

 

"My name is Joe Bloggs," he said.

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Joe?"

"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Joe, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Joe, you're a Wanker!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial, too.

 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up

with an idea. I called Wanker #1.

 

"Hello."

 

"You're a Wanker!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he

asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Joe Bloggs."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at Nelson Mandela House, Peckham, a terraced house, with my gunmetal

grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Joe. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Wanker," and hung up.

 

 

Then I called Wanker #2.

 

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, Wanker," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, Wanker, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at

Nelson Mandela House, Peckham, and that I was on my way over there to kill

my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going

down at Nelson Mandela House, Peckham.

 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Peckham. I got there

just in time to watch two Wankers beating the crap out of each other in

front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

 

NOW I feel much better.

 

Anger management really works...

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What do you call 100 blondes in a freezer?

 

Frosted Flakes.

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What do you call 100 blondes in a freezer?

 

Frosted Flakes.

What is the blond mating call?

"I think I'm drunk."

 

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down?

A brunette with bad breath.

 

What is the brunette mating call?

"Where did all the blondes go?"

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What do you call 100 blondes at the bottom of a pool?

 

 

An air pocket.

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A guy walks into a bar and proceeds to get shitfaced.

He stumbles out to his truck, (it's a southern joke) gets in and drives off.

On the way home he get's pulled over. The officer walks up to the drivers window

and ask's the guy for his license.

The guy looks at the officer and says "Is this a joke?"

 

Sorry, I'm sitting around waiting for my beercan chicken to get done and just made this up.

 

Hey, at least it's something new compared to some of the other jokes that are repeated over and over and over.....

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Scientific Fact:

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

 

And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a tennis racket shoved up his ass, fat end first!

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Do you know why Pre-Menstrual Syndrome is called PMS?

 

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

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Just so ransom knows how much caring there is in SA/GA/anyA......

 

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

BUMP...

 

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the

image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street

toward him.

 

 

 

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

 

BUMP...

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing

quickly behind him

 

FASTER..

 

 

FASTER...

 

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes

in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP....

 

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart

is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,

but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

 

 

 

 

 

and,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin stops

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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on

top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and

quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. she dresses

quickly and goes to find him.

 

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad

doing?"

 

The mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy

and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

 

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

 

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

 

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and

gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

 

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

 

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...

 

"Well, f*cking stop it then!"

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Been getting a few good videos again lately...enjoy. Thanks to Grumpy, Nacra and some others.

 

Halfway through this one there is a very good impersonation of Teaky trying to start an outboard...

 

People who know boats

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Do you know why Pre-Menstrual Syndrome is called PMS?

 

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

 

What does "PMS" stand for?

 

Punish

My

Spouse.

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Subject: How the World Works

 

 

 

Let's see if I understand how the world works

lately...

 

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at

work, he blames the restaurant.

 

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of

lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

 

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving

home drunk, he blames the bartender.

 

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you

blame television.

 

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame

the gun manufacturer.

 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and

tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the

passengers kill him instead, the mother of the

crazed deceased blames the airline.

 

I must have lived too long to understand the world as

it is anymore.

 

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in

front of this computer, I want all of you to blame

Bill Gates.

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver

won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring

 

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend

you."

 

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or

ask that I would find offensive."

 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

 

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have

to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm

Catholic!"

 

"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfils his

fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back

on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

"My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?"

 

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and

I'm Jewish."

 

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween

party."

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Bad form.... that was posted just a page or two back. <_<

 

My bad. It came in an e-mail today and I just cut and pasted without looking.

 

Next time I'll post two.

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

 

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father"

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There was a drunk sitting in a local tavern when a drop dead gorgeous lady walked in and sat the other end of the bar from him. He said to the bartender: "Give that babe a drink on me."

The bartender replied:" Sure, but don't count on anything from it, she happens to be a lesbian."

Being too drunk to even think straight, the guy decided to strike up a conversation with the lady and, approaching her stated: "I hear you are from lesbia."

Correcting him she told him there was no such place and that she was a lesbian. Unable to make him understand that it was a lifestyle, she offered an example: "Do you see that young lady in the corner?"

"Yes" he says.

"What I would like to do to her is to take her home, remove her shirt, fondle her lovely breasts and then make love to her all night."

With this, the drunk broke down and started to cry.

"What is the matter?" she asked.

The drunk said through his tears:"I think I am a lesbian too".

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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too." And drives off.

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After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, the nuns decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

 

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

 

"Who is it?" they called out.

 

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

 

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.

 

They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.

 

They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

 

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cupcake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'

in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says,

 

"Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

 

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to

try?"

 

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

 

"Our next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and

my dad said it would take the contagious."

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A cute blonde develops severe chest pain so she goes to her doctor.

The doc does an ECG and says to her "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have acute angina."

The blonde looks puzzled for a second, then smiles and replies. "Yes. And a great pair of tits too."

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how many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

15, one to hold the bulb and the rest to drink till the room starts spinning.

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A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician

commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

"I have something to show

you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

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Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

 

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

 

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

 

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

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The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They

were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the

actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of

humour.

 

cheers

 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,

how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad

tracks?

(Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a

list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does

not...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross. Come naked.

 

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here

and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night

in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

round?

(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is

illegal.

 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make

good pets.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget

its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of

Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can

scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out

walking.

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you

tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Try Kings Cross

Tuesday nights

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population

is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

 

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

 

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I

dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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Long one, but good

 

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web.

 

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

11. Not allowed to join the communist party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.

54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.

69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f**king village!' while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.

142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.

144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.

154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.

178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.

181. Pok�mon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

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The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They

were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the

actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of

humour.

 

cheers

 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,

how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

 

...

 

:lol: That was great! "Aus-trail-ia's the big island... " LMFAO

 

TheTwister, that was a good read.

 

I busted out laughing on about 30 of those....

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What's the difference between pussy and parsely?

Nobody eats parsely.

 

What have pubes and parsley got in common?

You push them both out of the way before you start eating...

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An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

 

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

 

When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

 

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

 

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

 

The old woman says, "you're going out like that?"

 

"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter

and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter says,

"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy

old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply

all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be

provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday

trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a

two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000a year."

 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches up to the counter

and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter says,

"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy

old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply

all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be

provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday

trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a

two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000a year."

 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

OMFG! That's brilliant!

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She was...

...only the fishmongers daughter.

But she laid on the slab and said "Fillet!"

 

she was...

...only the cricketers daughter

but she could catch a full toss in her crease!

 

She was...

...only a Roofers daughter

But she liked her Asfelt

 

she was...

...only the Japanese poet's daughter

fleeting like autumn.

 

She was...

...only the coal miners daughter

But she liked a good shaft down the pit.

 

She was...

...only the jeweller's daughter

but she had a beautifully tooled ring.

 

She was...

...only the sailor's daughter

but she had a taste for seamen.

 

She was...

...Only the Carpenters Daughter

But CHRIST could she suck a cock!

 

She was...

only the cheesemonger's daughter

but she couldn't half handle blue vein

 

she was...

...only the Irishman's daughter

and I never fucked her but oughter

I showed her my wick

thick as candlestick

now only used to pass water.

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She was...

...only the fishmongers daughter.

But she laid on the slab and said "Fillet!"

 

she was...

...only the cricketers daughter

but she could catch a full toss in her crease!

 

She was...

...only a Roofers daughter

But she liked her Asfelt

 

she was...

...only the Japanese poet's daughter

fleeting like autumn.

 

She was...

...only the coal miners daughter

But she liked a good shaft down the pit.

 

She was...

...only the jeweller's daughter

but she had a beautifully tooled ring.

 

She was...

...only the sailor's daughter

but she had a taste for seamen.

 

She was...

...Only the Carpenters Daughter

But CHRIST could she suck a cock!

 

She was...

only the cheesemonger's daughter

but she couldn't half handle blue vein

 

she was...

...only the Irishman's daughter

and I never fucked her but oughter

I showed her my wick

thick as candlestick

now only used to pass water.

 

She was only the tree surgeons daughter but you could hear her ring barking for miles.

 

She was only the saddlers daughter but all the horse manure (men knew 'er)

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25 Ways to know you're a Canadian:

 

 

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

 

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

 

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

 

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

 

5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean

 

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

 

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

 

 

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

 

 

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

 

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

 

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

 

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers and many more, are Canadians.

 

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

 

14. You know what a touque is.

 

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

 

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages,but requires 6 pages for hockey.

 

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

 

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

 

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

 

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-KAT-chew-w'n)

 

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

 

23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

 

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

 

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe)

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Great list! :D

 

As I was reading number 2 I couldn't help but think "where's 'touque'?" but then I saw 14. :lol:

 

Number 10.... yes! :D

 

Number 12... I don't "brag" about Shania. Ever. <_<

 

Number 17... only 6 pages? That must've been a slow day for the Journal De Montreal.

 

Number 20... they're easy! The Molson iam.ca ones were much worse. :lol:

 

Number 24... yes!

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Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?

 

Yes. What can I do for you?

 

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.

 

He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiddin' it there.

 

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's home. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

 

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

 

Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?

 

Yeah!

 

Did they chop your firewood?

 

Yep!

 

Happy Birthday, buddy!

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She was...

...only the sailor's daughter

but she had a taste for seamen.

 

Alternatively,

 

She was only the Admirals daughter,

but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.

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A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male

 

pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the

 

pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store,

 

there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the

 

gentleman.

 

 

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more

 

comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

 

 

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely

 

professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be

 

confident that she would treat him with the highest level of

 

professionalism.

 

 

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough

 

for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of

 

problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give

 

me for it.

 

 

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

 

 

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the

 

absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and

 

$3,000 a month plus living expenses."

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Johnny wanted to screw a hot girl in his office - but she belonged to someone else...

 

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and just said "I'll give you $1,000 if you let me screw you".

 

The girl said "No".

 

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

 

Her boyfriend said "OK, ask for $2,000 and pick up the money real fast so he won't even be able to get his pants down". So she accepts the proposal as offered.

 

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl to call so they can think about what to do with the two grand.

 

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks whats happening? She replies "The bastard used coins".

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Sam died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and then leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

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Five Levels of Hangovers

 

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively

well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still

feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

 

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging

is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the

fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some

definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

 

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely notproductive.

Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the

flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life

would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy

reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and

a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

 

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else

you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and

has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,

but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your

face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while

riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even

your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about

five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone

who enters the bathroom.

 

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying

the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of

every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the

corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the

remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to

generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the

foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this

morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose-like

discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater'

thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet

water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

 

/c

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Five Levels of Hangovers

 

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively

well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still

feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

 

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging

is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the

fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some

definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

 

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely notproductive.

Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the

flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life

would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy

reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and

a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

 

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else

you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and

has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,

but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your

face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while

riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even

your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about

five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone

who enters the bathroom.

 

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying

the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of

every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the

corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the

remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to

generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the

foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this

morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose-like

discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater'

thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet

water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

 

/c

 

True dat!

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While I was watching the weekend football games, my wife and I got

into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living

wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never

wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

taking fluids from a bottle.

 

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

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While I was watching the weekend football games, my wife and I got

into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living

wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never

wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

taking fluids from a bottle.

 

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

 

Very poor - see post #1218 on the same page!

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Five Levels of Hangovers

 

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively

well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still

feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

 

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging

is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the

fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some

definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

 

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely notproductive.

Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the

flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life

would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy

reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and

a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

 

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else

you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and

has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,

but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your

face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while

riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even

your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about

five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone

who enters the bathroom.

 

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying

the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of

every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the

corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the

remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to

generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the

foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this

morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose-like

discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater'

thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet

water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

 

/c

 

Sorry Suider, Leafmovement was here with this one a couple years back...

 

Posted on: Oct 28 2004, 06:54 PM

 

 

Anarchist

*******

 

Group: Members

Posts: 380

Joined: 25-October 04

From: Spy School

Member No.: 3687

 

 

 

1 star hangover *

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and side of fries.

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bustin my balls on a 2 year old post, grumps?!?!

 

:P

 

you try doing a search for 'hangover' and see if you have the patience to sift through the results... :lol::lol:

 

(oh, wait, you probably already did...)

 

mea culpa...

 

/c

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:D:P I actually posted it about a year before but couldn't find it....works a bit slow at the minute

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A psychologist goes to do some research in prison. He sets up a hidden camera in the recreation yard and observes prisoners for a year.

 

At the end of the year, he interviews a half dozen prisoners. He shows them a video of themselves. In the video, the first inmate says "36!" and all the inmates break out laughing. Then the second inmate says "That's nothing. 18!" and all the inmates laugh hysterically. Then the third prisoner says "Ok, 29" and he and his companions laugh some more. The shrink shuts off the video and says "I've been watching you for a year, and that's the one thing I don't understand. What was that about?" And the first inmate says, "Well, we're all lifers, and we only know fourty-five jokes between us. We all have told them so many times, we don't waste our breath anymore and just refer to them by number!

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

 

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

 

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

 

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

 

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

 

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Worker's Compensation Form

________________________________________

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the Accident Reporting Form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

 

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the Accident Reporting Form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

 

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

 

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

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Worker's Compensation Form

________________________________________

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the Accident Reporting Form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

 

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the Accident Reporting Form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

 

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

 

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

 

I respectfully request sick leave. :lol:

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