JOD

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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not his most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

Pointing to a young woman in the front row the professor asked, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

 

And the young woman replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

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Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas

 

1. I prefer breasts to legs.

 

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

 

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst.

 

4. Excellent spread.

 

5. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

 

6. Are you ready for seconds yet?

 

7. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

 

8. Don't play with your meat.

 

9. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

 

10. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

 

11. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time.

 

12. How long will it take after you put it in?

 

13. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 

14. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

 

15. That's the biggest bird I've ever had.

 

16. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

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Only a West Virginia man can make you feel like a woman

 

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and

things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

 

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane

and

screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,

"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is

there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

 

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the

desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from West Virginia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he

went,

one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.

Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

 

Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar

 

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires

 

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots!"

 

"Are you celebrating something?"

 

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

 

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

 

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

 

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

 

 

 

The small guys faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?"

 

 

 

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.

 

 

 

The small white guys says, "Thank God, I though you said 'Turn Around.'"

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A man walks into the street and manages to immediately get a taxi just going by.

 

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

 

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."

 

 

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

 

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

 

 

Cabbie: "There's more...... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

 

 

 

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

 

 

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

 

 

 

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

 

 

 

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

 

 

 

Passenger: "Wow - An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

 

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

 

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

 

 

Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow!"

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you ve had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.

 

The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"

 

She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

 

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest.

 

Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replies "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

 

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M".

 

He says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

 

"No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

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Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Edna why are you so damn ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!

"Because she is," said Little Johnny.

His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."

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Should this be in Recipe Anarchy?

 

 

HOW TO MAKE LOVE

 

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana

 

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

 

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town.

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A woman from Vancouver Island , who was a tree hugger and an

anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a

large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She

wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so

she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,

she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her

haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground

and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told the doctor that she was an environmentalist and an

anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The

doctor listened to her story with great patience and then

told her to go into the examining room and he would see if

he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor

reappeared. The angry woman demanded,

"What took ! you so long?"

 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits

from the Environmental Protection Ministry, the Forest

Service and the Ministry of Land and Water Management before

I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

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Broke Back Mountain Lady

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for

The job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

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Redneck Man's pick up lines

 

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

 

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

 

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.

 

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

 

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

 

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

 

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

 

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

 

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

 

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

 

and.... the best for last!

 

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

 

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

 

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

 

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself!"

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WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the

obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm

a little upset because my daughter has red hair.. She can't possibly be

mine."

 

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both

have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to

the gene pool."

 

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our

families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

 

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you

have sex?"

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "! I've been working very hard for

the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

 

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's

rust."

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Redneck Man's pick up lines

 

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

 

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

 

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.

 

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

 

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

 

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

 

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

 

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

 

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

 

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

 

and.... the best for last!

 

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

14) (I have actually heard this one being used, though the speaker did not have much luck) "If you need a clean place to sit down, I can go worsh my face!"

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B)-->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 30 2006, 09:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Anyone have any good lawyer jokes?

 

"Good Lawyer"? Doesn't it go: The only good lawyer is a dead one?

 

What do you call a busload of lawyers driving off a cliff? A good start.

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B)-->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 30 2006, 09:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Anyone have any good lawyer jokes?

 

you mean there's such thing as a good lawyer? Jeff, you're slippin' man.

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14) (I have actually heard this one being used, though the speaker did not have much luck) "If you need a clean place to sit down, I can go worsh my face!"

fuck mate, that was the first thing i thought of when i read that post. thanks for not identifying the drunken asshole that dropped that line.

 

 

definitely one of my proudest moments.

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fuck mate, that was the first thing i thought of when i read that post. thanks for not identifying the drunken asshole that dropped that line.

definitely one of my proudest moments.

 

I applaude you for the quick thinking in that state. (The state being defined by the amount of liquid courage it must have taken to pull that line off without laughing.)

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 30 2006, 09:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

Anyone have any good lawyer jokes?

"Good Lawyer"? Doesn't it go: The only good lawyer is a dead one?

 

What do you call a busload of lawyers driving off a cliff? A good start.

I guess you fucksticks have never been in trouble with the law? and you call yourselves anarchists? go crash a few cars and then talk shit about lawyers... the only good lawyer is the one getting you out of jail time, son.

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I applaude you for the quick thinking in that state. (The state being defined by the amount of liquid courage it must have taken to pull that line off without laughing.)

ohhh, i don't know, i think there was plenty of laughter. mostly her laughing at me though. i think the quote was "Colin, you need to go sober up."

 

 

 

 

For what its worth, she was right.

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fuck mate, that was the first thing i thought of when i read that post. thanks for not identifying the drunken asshole that dropped that line.

definitely one of my proudest moments.

That was the second time that I heard it in use, and the response was mercifully benign. The first time I heard it, was when it was uttered by someone with a bit more sun on the neck than yourself, hence the spelling of "worsh", who neglected to notice that the young lady in question was in the company of a very large and angry looking man, and a lot of his friends. It was a messy day in Peacock Park, down in the grove, next to CGSC. The end result was not a joking matter, as it was in your case. You at least had the good sense to drop that line on a single chica (and after that night, she probably remains that way).

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to

tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids

came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on

the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all

the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of

the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but

when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story

is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

 

"That was a fine story Sarah."

 

"Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me

this story about my Aunt Karen.

 

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of

whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way

down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100

enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

 

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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A 4 seater Cessna crashed into a cemetry in Dublin.

Rescue workers have recovered 120 bodies.

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"Whats black and blue and hates sex?

 

"The ten year old in my trunk."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not MY joke- just heard it and it shocked me-thats hard to do

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

 

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

 

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

 

-______________________________________________________________________

 

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

 

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, five years, and six months old."

 

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was five and a half years ago."

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Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

 

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

 

"Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too...."

 

Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain't got done yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

 

Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception."

 

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

 

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."

 

Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a darn good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

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The Nun and The Hippie A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

 

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery

dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

 

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

 

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

 

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

 

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

 

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

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I put this on the beating women thread abut maybe it should go here-

 

"Did you know there is a battered womens shelter in Atlanta?"

 

"and damn I have been eating them raw all these years!"

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Texas Favorite

 

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas... a sign in front

of a restaurant reads:

 

Happy Hour Special...

 

Lobster Tail and Beer

 

Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

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Two arab women are shopping at the market. One holds up an old sack with two potatoes in it. She says, "These remind me of my husband's balls."

 

Her friend says, "Why, because they are so big?"

 

"No, because they are so dirty."

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PONDERISMS

 

-I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die

of natural causes.

 

 

-Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a

weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the

ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

 

- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

replacement.

 

 

-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

 

-There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

 

-Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 

-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

 

-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

 

-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of

nothing.

 

 

-Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks

about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

 

-Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

 

-All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

criticism.

 

 

-In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is

weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

 

-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole

box to start a campfire?

 

 

-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze

these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

 

-Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the

next thing that comes outta its butt."

 

 

-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

 

-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

 

-If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

 

-Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

 

-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,

but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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No joke, lads. Having been on the receiving end, it's never a joke.

You can leave the text, but personally I'd appreciate if the pic went away, Glug.

 

I'll meet you all in hell, but it'll be Biff's fault ;)

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No joke, lads. Having been on the receiving end, it's never a joke.

You can leave the text, but personally I'd appreciate if the pic went away, Glug.

 

I'll meet you all in hell, but it'll be Biff's fault ;)

Bowgirl I'm very sorry to hear that, and you're right. That one's over the top.

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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the

yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

 

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a

baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the

roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with

this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to

grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough

for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks

the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

/c

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"now i'm REALLY going to hell

 

[edit] I really don't condine this sort of behaviour. Theres a beating womens thread?"

 

 

Glug - I laughed out loud at this last statement-It was so funny to me for some reason- It just sound so ludicrist doesnt it? ! The thread actually wasnt called that or about that- it just went in that direction. I dont even remeber now.

 

Sorry Bowgirl- You know me I was going for shock-

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I know D-mon, that's why I said the text could stay but I'd appreciate if the pic miraculously disppeared - sorry for the hijack - this is a place for laughs.

 

So ... getting back on track ... ^_^

 

Creation - Canadian Style

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

 

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

 

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

 

:lol:

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No joke, lads. Having been on the receiving end, it's never a joke.

You can leave the text, but personally I'd appreciate if the pic went away, Glug.

 

I'll meet you all in hell, but it'll be Biff's fault ;)

 

Done.

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I know D-mon, that's why I said the text could stay but I'd appreciate if the pic miraculously disppeared - sorry for the hijack - this is a place for laughs.

 

So ... getting back on track ... ^_^

 

Creation - Canadian Style

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

 

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

 

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

 

:lol:

 

Hey, I've read that before in this thread only it was about Kiwis and Ozzies...

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No, I'm not from SA (South Africa in this case) but I found this in a hotelroom and got it send to me... I liked. So here goes:

 

THE CREATION

 

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for rugby matches, going to the beach and braais.

He created night for going jolling, dossing and braais.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and braais on the beach.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for braais.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, boerewors, steak and prawns for braais.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created an oke - to go to the rugby, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and chow the meat and prawns at braais.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this oke was lonely and needed a chyyna

to go to the rugby, surf, dop beer, chow and stand around the braai with.

So God created chyyna’s, and God saw that they were good okes.

God saw that it was good.

 

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the okes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Chicks - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the braai.

Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling braais, heard the hiss of

opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the okes and chicks,

smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw

that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was damn good........

IT WAS SOUTH AFRICA.

Just to keep in the God created scene... Another one was found in the same hotel...

 

THE TOURIST PRAYER

 

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient tourist servants who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip dry underwear.

 

We beseech you, oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.

 

Protect us from surly and unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.

 

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honoured, our rooms made up and hot water running from the taps (if it is at all possible).

 

We pray that the telephones work and that the operators speak our tongue, and that there is no mail waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.

 

Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of the meal.

 

Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for under-tipping out of ignorance and over-tipping out of fear.

 

Make the natives love us for what we are not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.

 

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and the castles listed as musts in the guidebook.

 

And if per chance we skip an historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.

 

HUSBANDS

 

Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they don’t need or can’t afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.

 

WIVES

 

Almighty God, save our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and night-clubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

 

ALL TOGETHER

 

And when the voyage is over, and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home movies and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.

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A man in Dunedin New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

 

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

 

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

 

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

 

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

 

So how can I make 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

 

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

 

''Try doing it with the engine running."

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Brian, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits

down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

 

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a

ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looks at Brian and

says, "Do you think he will jump?" Brian says, "You know, I bet he'll

jump."

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Brian placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the

blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the

building,falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20

dollars to Brian and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

 

Brian replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5

o'clock news and knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

 

Done.

respect

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The Australian Tax Office decides to audit Jim, and summons

 

him to the ATO office. The Tax Office auditor is not surprised when

 

Jim shows up with his solicitor.

 

 

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant

 

lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you

 

win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

 

 

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Jim. "How

 

about a demonstration?"

 

 

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

 

 

Jim says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite

 

my own eye."

 

 

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

 

 

Jim removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw

 

drops.

 

 

 

Jim says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I

 

can bite my other eye."

 

 

 

The auditor can tell Jim isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

 

 

Jim removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

 

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost

 

three grand, with Jim's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get

 

nervous.

 

 

 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Jim asks. "I'll bet you six

 

thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee

 

into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop

 

anywhere in between."

 

 

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks

 

carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so

 

he agrees again.

 

 

 

Jim stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but

 

although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

 

other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

 

 

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just

 

turned a major loss into a huge win. But Jim's solicitor moans and puts

 

his head in his hands.

 

 

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

 

 

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Jim

 

told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand

 

dollars that he could come in here and piss all over a Tax official's desk

 

and that you'd be happy about it.".

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John Cleese was once interviewed by Jay Leno (or one of those type of guys). He was asked to comment on the fundamental difference between America and the rest of the world.

 

"Well," says John. "Good question. The key difference could be summed up by the fact that when the rest of the world decides to have world championships for its major sports, it's polite enough to invite teams from other countries to join in the fun."

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

 

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

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After having great sex a man was lying in bed with his Thai wife. She lay there stroking his c*ck.

 

"Do you want more sex?" He asked.

 

"No" she replied. "I just miss mine".

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

 

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

 

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and beautiful sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

 

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

 

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

 

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

 

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

 

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

 

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

 

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earthand have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

 

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

 

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to finda door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

 

The man is apprehensive to no end.

 

His life's wish is behind that door!

 

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

But I cant tell you--------your not a Monk.

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Incident

 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the

child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an

isle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that

she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

 

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

 

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult

passengers. He could be fired for that."

 

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him

a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station

claiming she had been raped.

 

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details.

 

She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that

he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he

had on a helmet, wire face mask and heavy protective gloves.

 

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman.

 

"Oh, yes, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more, I can tell you

this, he was an Englishman".

 

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant.

 

"No, because he didn't stay in very long."

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SATAN'S TEMPTATIONS

 

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and

spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman

would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman

said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

 

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair.

 

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane

and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

 

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to

cook them".

 

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped

lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

potassium and good nutrition.

 

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into

chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those

extra pounds.

 

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started

wearing stretch jogging suits.

 

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite.

 

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super

size 'em". And Satan said "It is good."

 

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

 

And then ........ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

 

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

 

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word

on nutrition and health.

 

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than

us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer

heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

 

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in death.

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AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM

DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

 

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF

A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

 

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

 

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

 

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING

THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE

TO HER VIBRATOR.

 

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS

I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

 

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,

PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

 

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR

WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

 

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

 

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

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AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM

DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

 

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF

A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

 

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

 

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

 

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING

THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE

TO HER VIBRATOR.

 

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS

I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

 

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,

PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

 

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR

WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

 

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

 

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

butler.gif

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Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

 

Not Harry. Harry concentrates on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation, Harry says:

 

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

 

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

 

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

 

Any other problems you would like Harry to solve today?

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Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened

to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all

empty and quiet.

 

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

 

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

 

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the

top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

 

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"We're down here.."

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What do you call that useless excess skin around the vagina?

 

 

 

 

The women!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um... ladies...You know I love ya!

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So the french army captured an english officer and were interrogating him. They asked him why they wear those red shirts into battle. The englishman replied, "It's so that when you shoot us and we bleed, you can't tell, it confuses the enemy. Thats why the french soldiers wear brown pants."

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A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh

Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the

cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

 

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

 

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back

up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two

of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

 

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the

situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

 

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

 

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

 

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred

replied,

 

"...the balcony..."

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A man goes into the local bar and grill and orders a beer.

 

"Certainly" says the bartender "That'll be one cent."

 

"One cent? Holy cow!" The man exclaims. "In that case I'll have three more for my friends here!"

 

"Three beers, three cents" says the bartender.

 

The man pays up and then orders a large t-bone steak with mashed potatoes and greens.

 

"That comes to four cents." says the bartender.

 

"Four cents!" The man exclaims in astonishment. "Where is the owner of this place?"

 

"Oh he's upstairs with my wife" replies the bartender.

 

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" says the man.

 

The bartender replies: "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

 

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

 

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

 

You aren't the firstmedical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won'tbe the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

........you're a vet

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Older couple just hitting the sack, the woman clutches her chest

and gasps “ I’ve got acute angina”. The hard of hearing bloke

replies, “ thank christ for that, your tits are nothing to write home about”.

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>

>An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

>

>The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said

"Things

>are

>

>great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is

>

>pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

>

>The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have

>an

>

>older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a

>

>season.

>

>One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and

>

>accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he

neared

>a

>

>lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's

>edge. He

>

>realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the

magnificent

>

>creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as

>if

>

>it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

>

>Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

>

>Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

>

>The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a

>couple

>

>of rounds into that beaver."

>

>

>

>The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

>

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STOCK TIP: Apple Computer (AAPL) stock.

 

Apple Computer(AAPL) reported today that it has

developed a new computerchip

that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

 

 

 

 

 

This is considered to be a major

breakthrough because women are always complaining

about men staring at their

breasts and not listening to them.

 

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

/c

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Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men?

 

 

You take it the next morning and it changes your blood type.

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

 

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

 

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

 

You aren't the firstmedical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won'tbe the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

........you're a vet

I've heard that joke many times before. I think its already posted in here somewhere as well. But I just can't help laughing at it. Its perpetually funny.

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Thread's 3 years old now, can't remember half od 'em anymore...

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Don't know if it's already been posted.

 

 

 

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term: Political Correctness.

 

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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Acceleration ........................

 

dogincar.jpg

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What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

 

One doesn't follow you around after dropping a load in it.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

 

Open the car door.

12 blondes walk into a bar,

youd think one of them would have seen it.

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that

they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to

help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

chair.

 

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen "

he replies.

 

"Wil l you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

 

she asks.

 

"No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

 

You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget

it."

 

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd

better write it down!" she retorts.

 

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it

down, I can remember i! t!

 

Leave me alone!

 

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream

 

I got it, for goodness sake!"

 

Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands

his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment and says –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Where's my toast?

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Three old guys are out walking.

 

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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> >>> The Good Husband

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff

> >>>Christmas Party.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like

> >>>alcohol at all.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as

> >>>he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he

> >>>sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side

> >>>table.

> >>>

> >>> And, next to them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his

> >>>clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around

> >>>the

> >>>room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So

> >>>is

> >>>the rest of the house.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

> >>>staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note

> >>>hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little

> >>>hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey,

> >>>breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make

> >>>you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,

> >>>Vicki "

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot

> >>>breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son

> >>>is

> >>>also at the table, eating. Adam asks, "Son, what happened last

> >>>night?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

> >>>You Fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in

> >>>the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect

> >>>order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table

> >>>waiting for me?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and

> >>>when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me

> >>>alone, I'm married!!"

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Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

 

 

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

 

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

 

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

 

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

 

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

 

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

 

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

 

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

 

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

 

 

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

 

 

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The

surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a

small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be

turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of

course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the

years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman

remained young looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had

to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now

I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible

bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

 

" The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are

your breasts."

 

She said, "No point asking about the beard then.................."

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