JOD

Joke

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Older couple just hitting the sack, the woman clutches her chest

and gasps “ I’ve got acute angina”. The hard of hearing bloke

replies, “ thank christ for that, your tits are nothing to write home about”.

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>

>An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

>

>The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said

"Things

>are

>

>great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is

>

>pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

>

>The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have

>an

>

>older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a

>

>season.

>

>One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and

>

>accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he

neared

>a

>

>lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's

>edge. He

>

>realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the

magnificent

>

>creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as

>if

>

>it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

>

>Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

>

>Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

>

>The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a

>couple

>

>of rounds into that beaver."

>

>

>

>The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

>

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STOCK TIP: Apple Computer (AAPL) stock.

 

Apple Computer(AAPL) reported today that it has

developed a new computerchip

that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

 

 

 

 

 

This is considered to be a major

breakthrough because women are always complaining

about men staring at their

breasts and not listening to them.

 

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

/c

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Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men?

 

 

You take it the next morning and it changes your blood type.

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

 

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

 

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

 

You aren't the firstmedical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won'tbe the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

........you're a vet

I've heard that joke many times before. I think its already posted in here somewhere as well. But I just can't help laughing at it. Its perpetually funny.

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Thread's 3 years old now, can't remember half od 'em anymore...

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Don't know if it's already been posted.

 

 

 

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

 

This year's term: Political Correctness.

 

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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Acceleration ........................

 

dogincar.jpg

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What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

 

One doesn't follow you around after dropping a load in it.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

 

Open the car door.

12 blondes walk into a bar,

youd think one of them would have seen it.

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that

they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to

help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

chair.

 

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen "

he replies.

 

"Wil l you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

 

"Sure."

 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

 

she asks.

 

"No, I can remember it."

 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

 

You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget

it."

 

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd

better write it down!" she retorts.

 

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it

down, I can remember i! t!

 

Leave me alone!

 

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream

 

I got it, for goodness sake!"

 

Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

 

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands

his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment and says –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Where's my toast?

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Three old guys are out walking.

 

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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> >>> The Good Husband

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff

> >>>Christmas Party.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like

> >>>alcohol at all.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as

> >>>he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he

> >>>sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side

> >>>table.

> >>>

> >>> And, next to them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his

> >>>clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around

> >>>the

> >>>room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So

> >>>is

> >>>the rest of the house.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

> >>>staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note

> >>>hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little

> >>>hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey,

> >>>breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make

> >>>you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,

> >>>Vicki "

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot

> >>>breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son

> >>>is

> >>>also at the table, eating. Adam asks, "Son, what happened last

> >>>night?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

> >>>You Fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in

> >>>the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect

> >>>order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table

> >>>waiting for me?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and

> >>>when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me

> >>>alone, I'm married!!"

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Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

 

 

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

 

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

 

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

 

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

 

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

 

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

 

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

 

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

 

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

 

 

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

 

 

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The

surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a

small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be

turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of

course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the

years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman

remained young looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had

to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now

I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible

bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

 

" The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are

your breasts."

 

She said, "No point asking about the beard then.................."

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Three old guys are out walking.

 

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

 

 

The future of all good anarchists!

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How did the constipated mathematiciian relieve himself?

he worked it out with a pencil

 

 

 

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband 'When did you realise your wife had died?'

"well' he replied, 'the sex was the same, but the dishes kept piling up'

 

 

 

how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

two. One to change the lightbulb, and one TO SUCK MY COCK!

 

 

 

 

why d oelephants have trunks?

Because sheep dont have string

 

 

 

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

telling your parents you are gay

 

 

 

An Englishman, a Welshman and a West Indian are waiting in a hospital shortly after their wives have given birth. The doctor comes out and explains that there has been a mix-up, due to all three wives giving birth at the same time. He asked them to come through nd identify their babies.

The Englishman has a quick look and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby' The West Indian steps up and says 'Excuse me, I think you are mistaken there'

'I see where you are coming from there, mate' the Englishman replied ' but one of the other two is Welsh, and I'm not taking the risk'

 

 

 

What's 100 yards long and stinks of piss?

Post Office queue on Thursday mornings

 

 

 

 

How do you get a Granny to shout 'Cunt'?

Get another one to shout 'Bingo'

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but

a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way

with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and

wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing

but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

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One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

 

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

 

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

 

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

 

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

 

"That's not bad" the young man said.

 

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

 

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

 

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.

 

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

 

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

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A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.

 

"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

 

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.

 

"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

 

"How's that going to help?" she asks.

 

"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

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Buy The Lady A Drink!

 

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

 

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and >> >said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

 

 

The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

 

The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! he hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP-- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and use both hands."

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How to take sick leave when you have none left!

 

I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave

due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few

days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling

and made funny noises.

 

My co-worker asked me what I was doing ? I told her that I was

pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me

a few days off.

 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are

you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are mad - take a few days off". I jumped down and walked

out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her

"...And where are you going?" (You're going to love this!)

She said "I can't work in the dark

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the

morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and

goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock

in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is

pouring out!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't

you remember about three months ago when we broke down and

those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and

should be ashamed of your self!"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out

into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

 

"Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

 

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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Prison vs Work

 

 

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,

this should make things a little bit clearer.

 

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.

AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

 

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

 

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

 

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

 

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts

disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry

five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I

want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the

morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and

goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock

in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is

pouring out!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't

you remember about three months ago when we broke down and

those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and

should be ashamed of your self!"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out

into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

 

"Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

 

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

Feb 2005 the first time, then may 2006, then sept 2006. Search is good.

 

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/forums/index...ghlite=%2Bswing

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let

him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving

them.

Dumas

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,

"What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

 

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go

to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft

music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

 

"There's a way of transferr ing funds that is even faster than

electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

 

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the

second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Ogdon Nash

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget

it once... Anonymous

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he

received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can < BR>have mine."

Anonymous

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they

just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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good list mustang...

 

i always liked:

 

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

 

 

/c

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Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?

 

A: After 10 years the job still blows!

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Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told,

he is not too experienced either.

 

 

 

On their wedding night, she cowers naked

under the sheets as her husband undresses He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss

ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

 

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try

someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69."More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

 

"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori?

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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

 

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

 

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

 

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

 

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

 

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

 

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

 

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.!

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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

 

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

 

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

 

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

 

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

 

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

 

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.

 

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush pleads.

 

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"

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-----Why it takes so long in the Ladies Room.

 

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of

women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every

stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly

knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

 

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the

wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser

for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)

is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there

isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom

would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down

your pants, and assume "The Stance."

 

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the

seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

 

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you

discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can

hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the

seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake

more.

 

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -

the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your

neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at

the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way

possible..It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

 

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The

door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your

chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of t he

toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your

precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your

footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is

wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

 

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and

life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper

- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.You know

that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,because, you're

certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,

frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so

confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose

against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that

covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush

somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the

empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this

point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're

exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket

and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

 

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic

sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk

past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile

politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a

piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you

NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's

hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and

left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

 

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex

under the door!

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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar, but less serious state.

 

The Marine was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

 

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the

highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.”

 

“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, low-life scum bag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal, democrat drunk.”

 

“So I yelled that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!” “He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton’ !”

 

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us…

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A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.

 

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

 

"I want number 69" she replies.

 

"You want beef with broccoli?"

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A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.

 

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

 

"I want number 69" she replies.

 

"You want beef with broccoli?"

you know, that one wasn't really funny the first time and doesn't get any funnier in the retelling. <_<

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Sorry. That's my fault.

 

I keep forgetting that some of the jokes I post require a sense of humor. :P

It's not that ... If you scroll up about 6 posts you'll see the same joke at post # 1441(?) by Sailho on Feb 7th.

 

 

EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

Edited by Bowgirl

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It's not that ... If you scroll up about 6 posts you'll see the same joke at post # 1441(?) by Sailho on Feb 7th.

EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

 

 

You see it's the subtle difference between jokes that makes the one I posted funnier.

 

Beef and broccoli? That's some funny stuff I don't care who you are.

 

Chicken and broccoli? That's just plain stupid. ;)

 

(In my defense, I guess I missed the last time it was posted. In fact, it's probably been posted numorous times)

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EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

:lol::lol: now THAT is funny!

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You see it's the subtle difference between jokes that makes the one I posted funnier.

 

Beef and broccoli? That's some funny stuff I don't care who you are.

 

Chicken and broccoli? That's just plain stupid. ;)

 

(In my defense, I guess I missed the last time it was posted. In fact, it's probably been posted numorous times)

 

:D true, no one ever heard of chicken and broccoli.

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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store it would make me feel so happy."

 

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day he went to pay for his groceries.

 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

 

"How come so much ...I only bought 5 items.."

 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

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Page 2, #192

 

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

 

Still a classic........

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Page 2, #192

 

 

 

Still a classic........

 

You've just reminded me. I know someone who is constantly finishing off my comments with the stupid line "... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from?

 

I suspect its one of those 70's british comedy shows which everyone fondly remembers how good they were but actually they were just sexist shite.

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"... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from?

.

 

It is "as the ACTRESS said to the Bishop" and is British as you say...so it could be the actor..who knows?

 

Believed to have originated in Edwardian times and has continued through skit comedy since.

 

A slight redefinition from the Partridge and Beale Dictionary of Catch Phrases:

 

a sexual innuendo (Italian supository...(ok I made that up as the actress said to the bishop.)) added to an innocent remark creating a double entendre.

 

 

 

 

 

Is your mate gay or English...maybe he is outing himself..NTTIAWWT! It isn't Teaky is it?

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Page 2, #192

 

 

 

Still a classic........

 

 

Jesus,

 

don't tell me that we have resorted to THIS

 

(Warning: clicking this link may actually suck you into the "Twilight Zone" vortex that is the Joke thread....)

 

 

:)

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A couple repeats and some new ones (I hope)

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

 

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with... "a recipe".

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In February 1956, a North Carolina mountain man named Herman Judd was drafted into the army.

On the first day, the Army issued Herman with a comb. Two hours later the barber shaved off all his hair.

On the second day, the Army issued Herman with a toothbrush. Two hours later the dentist yanked out seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued Herman with a jockstrap. The Army has been looking for Herman Judd for 51 years.

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A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as Preznit Dubya appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there"s the biggest horse"s ass I"ve ever seen."

 

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him.

 

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Dick Cheney appeared on the television. "He"s a horse"s ass too," the man said.

 

This time a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. Climbing back up to the bar, the man said: "Damn! This must be Bush Country!"

 

"Nope," the bartender replied. "It's Horse Country."

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A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. "Don't mind Sniffer," the man in uniform says. "He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne."

 

The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer... search!"

 

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

 

Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

 

"I like it!" says the first man.

 

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor.

 

The passenger is grossed out. "What the hell is going on with this dog?"

 

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

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You've just reminded me. I know someone who is constantly finishing off my comments with the stupid line "... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from?

There was a young actress from Kew

Who said, as the bishop withdrew,

"Oh, the Vicar is quicker

And thicker and slicker

And four inches longer than you."

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A guy goes to a singles bar and picks up a likely lass!

 

Not too many drinks later they end in at his hotel room engaging in some mutually satisfying amorous exercises.

 

He suddenly stops, draws slightly away and looks down at her most precious place.

 

“You know what I’d like to do?” he says.

 

“No! What?” she responds with interest.

 

“I’d like to run down to the 7/11, buy a bucket of ice cream, fill that up and then lick it out!”

 

“Oooohhh!” she shivers in anticipation, “Why don’t you do just that?”

 

“Aaaarrr!” he laments, “I couldn’t eat that much ice cream!”

 

 

Alternative punch line 1: “Aaaarrr, I can’t afford that much ice cream!”

 

Alternative punch line 2: “Aaaarrr, I couldn’t carry that much ice cream!”

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The Texan was touring the US in his big Cadillac convertible with a big set of bull’s horns on the front, hairy-hide upholstery and six-guns for door handles.

 

He pulled up in Reno NV and booked into one of the Imperial Suites at the Peppermill Hotel, the biggest rooms in the place.

 

After freshening up, he dressed up in his best cowboy clobber, whacked on his enormous Stetson, climbed into the big Caddy, and made his way down to Harrah’s Casino to get a decent steak and try out some of the thirteen hundred odd slot machines and the table games.

 

He was sitting in the Steak House, hopping into a 24 oz. bone in Angus Rib Eye Steak when a well-endowed drink waitress came by, said “Hi there, cowboy! Say, that’s some steak ain’t it?” and asked if she could get him a drink.

 

He requested a big Bourbon, told her that he was from Texas, and that the steak was a snack compared to those they served in Texas.

 

She returned with the drink and, while Tex groped for his billfold, she said, “Say, Tex, that’s some sort of a hat you have there!”

 

“Everything’s big in Texas, Ma’am!” responded Tex as he tipped her a ten-spot.

 

“Gee, Tex, thanks! Say, that’s some roll you have there!” she gushed.

 

“Like I said, Ma’am. Everything’s big in Texas!”

 

As the evening passed, things went from good to better in the relationship and soon after the end of her shift, Tex was ushering her out to his car.

 

“Golly, Tex,” she enthused, “This is some car!”

 

“We like ‘em big in Texas, Ma’am!” said Tex.

 

Back to the Peppermill and up to the room . . .

 

“Gee, Tex! Ain’t this some sort of a room – it’s so big!” she exploded as she entered.

 

“You must be getting the idea by now that us Texans don’t go in fer half measures Ma’am!” said Tex, puffing out his chest.

 

Forgoing a dip in the spa, they soon found themselves tearing each other’s clothes off on the enormous bed.

 

Tex peeled of the last of her wispy things and was about to toss the leg over when he hesitated, looked down at her map of Tasmania and enquired, .........

 

“Say, Ma’am! What part of Texas are you from?”

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I attended a party this past weekend.

 

After checking out all the well-dressed guests

at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

 

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name,

is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

 

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

 

"Golftits," I replied.

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An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She

turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working

cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down

on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

 

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said,

 

"Your dick's bigger than your brother's"

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Menopause Jewelry

 

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the

other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

 

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

 

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

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O.K, girls--Do you know the difference between medium, and rare?

 

Medium is about 6 inches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rare is around nine...........

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A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there.

 

Going to a very large church he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute."

 

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

 

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

 

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones with the same sign and the same explanation from each pastor.

 

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

 

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. ....Why is that?

 

The pastor, smiling kindly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now and it's a local call."

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two guys are out in the woods hunting and the one guy's dick gets bitten during the night by a snake... alarmed... he wakes up, and the other guy didn't know what to do, so he ran into town to find a doctor

 

when he finds the doctor, he says that he has to suck all the venom out... so, the guy runs back quickly. the guy that got bit says, "what'd the doctor say?", and he says "say your prayers, your gonna die"

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Subject: Testimony Sunday

 

One Sunday morning, this woman named Jill stood up at her church's

Testimony Meeting (or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday"), took

the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to

the enraptured congregation.

 

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has

suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran

off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and

could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were

obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

 

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they

need.

 

Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He

is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but

slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the

congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum

will soon heal and be as good as new."

 

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in,and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst

of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in

pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said

to the congregation, "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife.

 

 

Jill, honey ... that word is: STERNUM!"

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Bill Clinton is a guest speaker at a G8 conference in Washington and in between his engagements he visits the mens room to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal doing what comes natural whwn suddenly the door busts open, secret servive dudes check the joint ouy and shortly after in walks George W. Bush.

 

Slick Willy is a little taken aback, after all he did put GWB's pappy out of a job, but blessed with a sang froid he keeps it cool. GW walks up to the next urinal and whips it out. "Whoo boy , I shuldna had that 40oz super cherry slushy, I'm fit to bust."

 

Bill keeps it cool, grunts his agreement but all of a sudden Bush lets a holler of disbelief, " Lord have mercy, where in the name of creation theory did you get a manhood that big? I declare its as big as a babys arm holding an apple!! "

 

Bill grins and says "Why thank you George, but the Lord didn't bless me with this, its nearly all man made"

 

George is a little sceptical and expresses himself as so. But Bill insists "No George, its a simple regime. Every time I go to bed, I take the commander in chief here out and give it three firm taps against the stair bannister, have done for a long time and lo you have a serious trouser python"

 

George is impressed and finishes his ablutions, washes his hands and hurries off with his entourage to complete his engagements.

 

Later that evening, George is at a meeting that ends early so he decides to change his schedule and take his helicopter Marine One home to DC. He gets into the White House, does a few bits and pieces and decides to sneak up to bed and surprise Laura.

 

On his way up stairs he remembers Slick Willy's advice and decides to give it a whirl, takes out his own little general and with a little manouvering gives it three firm raps off the stair bannister.

 

A voice calls down from above "BILL? IS THAT YOU?"

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A voice calls down from above "BILL? IS THAT YOU?"

 

They let Monica stay in the WH??????

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Quite frankly I don't give a toss about Bush's cock.

 

I just spent the last 10 minutes watching Evo's new avatar! Well done bloke.

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One day little Johnny comes upon his grandfather enjoying a beer. Johnny asks, "Granpa, can i have some of your beer?" To which his grandfather replies, "Well that all depends, can your dick touch your asshole?" Slightly shocked, Johnny says, "No, granpa" "Then you're not man enough" his grandfather replies promptly.

 

The next day Johnny sees his Grandfather smoking a cigar. He asks him, "Granpa, may I smoke a cigar?" Again his grandfather replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?" and, again, Johnny says no.

 

The third day Johnny's grandfather sees little Johnny eating some fresh baked cookies. He says, "Hey there Johnny, can you give me a cookie?"

 

Johnny asks, "I don't know grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"

 

His grandfather proudly replies, "Why yes, yes it can"

 

Johnny says, "Well then go fuck yourself, because grandma made these cookies for me"

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Bill Clinton is a guest speaker at a G8 conference in Washington and in between his engagements he visits the mens room to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal doing what comes natural whwn suddenly the door busts open, secret servive dudes check the joint ouy and shortly after in walks George W. Bush.

 

Slick Willy is a little taken aback, after all he did put GWB's pappy out of a job, but blessed with a sang froid he keeps it cool. GW walks up to the next urinal and whips it out. "Whoo boy , I shuldna had that 40oz super cherry slushy, I'm fit to bust."

 

Bill keeps it cool, grunts his agreement but all of a sudden Bush lets a holler of disbelief, " Lord have mercy, where in the name of creation theory did you get a manhood that big? I declare its as big as a babys arm holding an apple!! "

 

Bill grins and says "Why thank you George, but the Lord didn't bless me with this, its nearly all man made"

 

George is a little sceptical and expresses himself as so. But Bill insists "No George, its a simple regime. Every time I go to bed, I take the commander in chief here out and give it three firm taps against the stair bannister, have done for a long time and lo you have a serious trouser python"

 

George is impressed and finishes his ablutions, washes his hands and hurries off with his entourage to complete his engagements.

 

Later that evening, George is at a meeting that ends early so he decides to change his schedule and take his helicopter Marine One home to DC. He gets into the White House, does a few bits and pieces and decides to sneak up to bed and surprise Laura.

 

On his way up stairs he remembers Slick Willy's advice and decides to give it a whirl, takes out his own little general and with a little manouvering gives it three firm raps off the stair bannister.

 

A voice calls down from above "BILL? IS THAT YOU?"

 

I shouldn't admit this, but I can remember when the protagonists of that joke were Richard Nixon and Wilt Chamberlain.

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Phone call from Daddy

 

" Hello?"

 

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

 

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

 

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

 

*** Brief Pause***

 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the

table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that

Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

 

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"I did it Daddy."

 

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

 

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran

around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all"

 

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he

jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

 

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to

clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

 

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

 

***Even Longer Pause***

 

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

She says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

 

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying one was named Rolex and the other Timex.

 

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

 

"HELLLOOOOOOO..."answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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apologies.

 

 

 

so, back in 1963, a couple weeks before jfk jr.'s birthday, his dad sits him down.

 

'junior,' says he 'you have a birthday coming up. any thoughts on what you want this year?'

 

junior ponders the question for a minute and then says simply, 'a plane, daddy. i want a plane.'

 

jfk looks at his son and says, 'son, you need a plane like i need a hole in the head.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

god, that ones bad... :lol:

 

/c

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Just heard that they have released the cause of Anna Nicole Smiths death

 

 

 

Apparently it's bird flu

 

 

 

 

 

From eating old cock

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The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.However, people often ask for a s simple explanation of "Marketing".

 

Well, here it is:

 

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

 

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

 

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

 

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

 

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

 

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

 

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

 

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

 

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

 

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

 

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

 

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

 

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

 

The Russian lady checks her watch and says ..."Probably at work."

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A successful rancher died and left every thing to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots."

 

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks."

 

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra."

 

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

_________________

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Just got sent these,, from the wife Should I worry ? Is she trying to tell me something?

 

Ladies - enjoy the feeling of recognition and gender smugness... Husbands- just ignore

 

 

 

1. THE SILENT TREATMENT

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

 

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

 

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business

 

flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he

 

wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he

 

knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to

 

discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go

 

and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

 

The paper said................ "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

 

 

2. WIFE v HUSBAND

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

 

"Relatives of yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws?

 

 

 

3. WOMEN'S REVENGE

 

"Cash, check or charge?? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

 

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

 

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?? I asked.

 

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured

 

this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

 

 

4. UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take

 

boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

 

and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

 

5. WORDS

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day............

 

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

 

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

 

 

6. CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and

 

so beautiful all at the same time?

 

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you"!

 

 

 

7. WHO DOES WHAT

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,

 

because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

 

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should

 

do the coffee."

 

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

 

 

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft

 

before the masterpiece.

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What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice Tits.

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What do you call a dear with no eyes?

 

No idea.

 

 

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?

 

Still no idea.

 

 

 

 

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and no sexual organs?

 

 

Still no fucking idea.

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Password.jpg

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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

 

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

 

"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

 

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

 

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

 

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

 

"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

 

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

 

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

 

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association

about women and how they feel about their asses.

 

The results are pretty interesting:

 

1) 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

 

2) 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

 

3) The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man

and they would have married him anyway .

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, Look towards sky,what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars" "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

 

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

 

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, sometime you dumber than buffalo shit.

 

It means someone stole tent."

 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, Look towards sky,what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars" "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

 

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

 

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, sometime you dumber than buffalo shit.

 

It means someone stole tent."

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Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill

Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the

proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave

him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99

 

Titanic:..... Over 3 days to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 days to read

 

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and ensuing

catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and

ensuing catastrophe.

 

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

 

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

 

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

 

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

 

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

 

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

 

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

 

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

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