JOD

Joke

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An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

 

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

 

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

 

 

 

Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?

 

A: The coming of the Lord.

 

 

 

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

 

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

 

 

 

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

 

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

 

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

 

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

 

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

 

A: A bigger parish.

 

 

 

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

 

St Peter: "Not likely!"

 

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

 

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

 

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

 

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

 

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

 

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

 

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

 

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"

 

 

 

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

 

A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.

 

 

 

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?

 

A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

 

 

 

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

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Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-

a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

b ) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.

d) Beer has never caused a major war.

e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.

g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.

h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.

I) You can prove you have a beer.

j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

 

Well you got back on the "joke" thread, and flamed this guy simultaneously. Well done, clap clap.

 

TOG

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A little BOY is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little BOY turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

 

Correction provided by Accuracy in Journalism

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Jesus and Moses were watching the Master's golf tournament at Augusta. They thought they

would like to play golf. They went to Augusta to play. When they had to cross water to the

next green Moses asked "What club are you going to use." Jesus replied "Arnold Palmer always uses a 7 iron, so I am going to use a 7 iron." He hit the ball and it went into the water. Moses parted the water and retrived the ball. Then suggested that Jesus use a different club. Jesus again said

"Arnold Palmer uses a 7 iron, so I am going to use a 7 iron." He again hit the ball into the water.

Moses sighed, parted the water, retrived the ball and again suggested using a different club.

Jesus again said "Arnold Palmer uses a 7 iron, so I will use a 7 iron. Moses said "If you hit it

in the water again I will not go after it." Jesus hit the ball in the water once again. When Moses

stood by his word and did not part the water, Jesus walked out onto the water to retrive his ball.

About this time the next group of golfers came up behind them. Seeing Jesus walking on the

water one of them remarked. "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied "He is

Jesus Christ. He thinks he is Arnold Palmer."

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Since we're on a religious theme:

 

Why would you always bring at least two Baptists sailing with you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because if you bring only one he'll drink all your beer...

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Well, I can't. 'Cos I don't know where PA is, nor what it is. Sorry.

 

 

Political Anarchy Mike.

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Since we're on a religious theme:

 

Why would you always bring at least two Baptists sailing with you?

Because if you bring only one he'll drink all your beer...

 

Why don't Baptist fuck standing up?

 

 

 

Someone will think their dancing.

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Correction provided by Accuracy in Journalism

 

What was I thinking?

 

Thanks for the editing makes more sense now

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 9 2007, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Jesus christ, cordner - stop fucking up this joke thread! Take it to PA or start your own thread for fucks sake!

i wouldn't call mike jesus christ.

 

haven't you noticed? I don't like religion, mate, only Jesus, 'cos of what he did for me.

 

Reminds me of an old :( priest who woke on a glorious day, and felt what a shame it was it was Sunday. He REALLY fancied going around the golf course, instead. It occurred to him that His curate was pretty well up to scratch, so he hatched the ploy of a poorly throat, etc, so when the curate went across to the church, he snuck out with his clubs to the links. Apparantly God and Gabriel were supposed to be watching, and Gabriel said to God,

"Look at that!"

"So?", was the reply.

"aren't You going to do something about it?"

"Sure am. Watch this..."

The Rev. put the ball on a tee, steadied himself with the usual shuffling of feet, preparative swings, and so on, and then... Whop! the ball sprung off the club, soared gracefully through the glorious skies, and dropped right on the green, rolled until it fell with a satisfying 'plop'. squarely down the first hole.

"Whaaat?!" protested the angel.

"That's nothing, watch on!" was the reply.

They did. Hole two, Hole in one...

Hole three, Hole in one.

Hole four, the same;

and for the next fourteen holes, amidst the most wonderful skies, singing birds, no-one to hold him up..the whole lot. Perrrrfect!!!

As the priest gave such a deep, satisfied sigh, it suddenly dawned on him that he had just suffered the worst round of golf any dedicated golfer could have ever played. 18 holes-in-ones, and he could NEVER, NEVER, EVER tell a soul. He crept disconsolately back to the vicarage, and when the curate met him afterwards, he said that he'd just met a good friend of the priest's, who, told him of an amazing thing.

The men in the 19th hole had just watched some unknown visitor play 18 straight holes-in-one, but he'd disappeared before they could give him life-long membership of the club, along with Life presidency. He's asked the curate if the priest could pray for them that they could find the man... He would be the talk of the golfing world for years to come and never buy a drink in that club ever again!

He coud have been a pro. - or ....?

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These two guys go for a lunch time game on a working day, and one a neighbouring tee, were two ladies. One of them had a mighty swing, 'cos it was a fairly long hole, but sliced it rather badly, and it headed for the two businessmen, just as one was swinging up for his shot.

"Oh!", exclaimed one of them, with her hands up to her mouth. The ball curved arund in a perfect arc, and hit the man as he swung his club down. With a scream, he fell rolling to the ground.

The two ladies ran urgently over to the men and cried out how sorry they were, and was he alright, and could they do something...You know, all the things girls say when they feel guilty and vulnerable.

"Look, I'm a therapist - would you like me to masssage it for you?" one of them asked, as he clutched his hands between his legs.

"Unk...ok.."uttered the man. He took his hands away from his crotch and she put her hands there and applied her theraputic skills to the task. After a while, she asked if it felt any less painful.

He replied, "no, but don't stop, it's taking my mind off the damn thumb!" :blink:

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:unsure: Reg took an hour or so off his insurance business to play a few holes one tuesday afternoon. As he teed off the fourth, he sliced the ball nastily to the right through the trees. "What the heck", he looked around and as he could see no-one about, he dropped a second ball and drove off a little better that time. It wasn't surprising, really, he thought, that he' messed up the shot, with all that row going on, how could a man concentrate as well as you could on a nice quiet Sunday?

He finished the nine holes, went back to work and on the following Sunday, he set off round the course and just as he was about to tee off on the fourth again, he played so much better than he had done the previous Tuesday.

In the 10th hole ( the clubhouse - they only had nine holes, there) Jack, the pro sidled up to him. "I was watching you last Tuesday."

"No! I hadn't noticed anyone about...?" Reg was a little shaken. He been SEEN! Cheating!

"'Fraid so," answered Jack, in a low voice. " You sliced the ball and it went thrugh the trees and did a bit of damage, you know."

"Oh, no! What did it do?"

"We heard later, that it had ricoched off a branch of the big larch, in there. Know the one?"

"Yes..."

"Then it went through the window of a double decker bus and knocked the driver out. The bus was full of school kids on their way to see some lambs at the zoo farm, and it crashed. All the kids were killed. damn shame.."

"Oh, no! All of them? How...?"

"Well, it was because the bus swerved into an ammunition lorry coming the other way... It blew a hole in the ground the size of a house!" Jack explained.

"Oh, my g... What shall I do..?"

" That's not all," muttered Jack, rather enjoying himself. He was bound to get a double out of this... "The queen was coming along just behind the ammunition lorry, and there was nothing the driver could do. They went straight into the hole! You should've seen it! You 'd have thought ... well she survived it, when they finally got her out... There's hell to pay..."

Oh, my go.." uttered Reg, "What shall I do?"

 

Jack gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder in a pro lie way. "Well, if you make sure that next time you hold your club more like this :unsure: ..."

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I laugh and laugh here.

 

What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

 

Can you put me up for the night?

 

 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

 

There are no aethisist in foxholes

 

I laugh and laugh here.

 

What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

 

Can you put me up for the night?

 

 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

 

There are no aethisist in foxholes

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Mike I feel I speak for a great many people when I say your jokes are just not funny. What are you trying to achieve by completely fucking a perfectly good thread of jokes? I am glad you have found jesus and he has been a great guy for you. But this does not make me laugh. I come to this thread to lauagh not be preached to.

So I say again FUCK OFF MIKE :angry::angry: and take it to another place

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Yes please, jokes, not preaching.

 

 

This guy is hanging out in a bar, knocking back a few cold ones and talking to his buddy. All of a sudden, he hears a phone ringing. He sees his buddy hold his empty hand up to his ear and start having a conversation. Puzzled, he inquires about this, once his buddy is done talking. His buddy says "I got a phone embedded in the palm of my hand; it's the latest thing. Watch this." With that, his buddy pushes the index finger of his other hand into the palm of the hand with the phone, and then holds his "phone" up to the skeptical friend's ear. Sure enough, he hears a phone ringing, and his wife answers on the other end of the line. Amazed at this technological progress, he goes back to his beer.

 

A few minutes later, he notices that his buddy has disappeared, and figures it would be a good time to hit the head. He walks into the head, and there is his buddy, with his non-phone hand against the wall, his phone-hand to his ear, his pants around his ankles, and a roll of toilet paper jammed into his ass. Of course, he found this a might disturbing, and said "you god damned freak, what the hell are you doing? You make Larry Craig look normal by comparison!" His buddy yells back "QUIET! I'm getting a fax."

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So Jesus is on his way to be crucified, carrying his cross through the screaming crowd. As he walks along he hears this mumbling but can’t quite make out what is being said over the screaming. He goes on for a while and once again he hears this mumbling. So he notices this guy standing next to the road and figures the mumbling is coming from him. So he walks over and says “Excuse me sir, but what is it that you are trying to say”? The guy looks up and sings “I love a parade”.

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Fart Football

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows

When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says

"Touchdown, tie score."

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and

says,

"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

"Touchdown, tie score."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and

says,

"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the

old man.

 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real

hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything

he's got,

 

And accidentally shits in the bed.

 

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

 

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides

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I got this is an email. What's the answer to this math question:

 

 

Math question:

 

You have nine girls on a bus

 

Each girl has 7 pairs of pants they are not wearing.

 

How many balls can you stick in....

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I got this is an email. What's the answer to this math question:

Math question:

 

You have nine girls on a bus

 

Each girl has 7 pairs of pants they are not wearing.

 

How many balls can you stick in....

 

Two. Unless you live near a nuke plant or have penis hands.

 

G

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If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,

 

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy

 

all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

 

Dear Billy,

 

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How

 

about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell I'm giving your

 

older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

 

Santa

 

********************** *******************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

 

peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

 

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they

 

Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

 

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,

 

Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

 

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

 

hurricane.

 

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

 

who rides his ass constantly It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you

 

some Legos instead. Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,

 

a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

 

Dear Francis,

 

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays I bet you're gay. I'll set

 

you up with a Barbie. Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

 

for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

 

Dear Susan,

 

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face

 

when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor Leave me a bottle of

 

Scotch.

 

Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

What do you do the other 364 days of the year Are you busy making

 

toys

 

Your friend, Thomas

 

Dear Thomas,

 

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I

 

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself

 

silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the

 

craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

 

awake, like in the song Love, Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

 

Are you really that gullible Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

 

skipping your house. Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dear Santa,

 

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,

 

PLEASE could I have one Love, Timmy

 

Dear Timmy,

 

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap

 

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

 

Santa

 

****************************************************

 

Dearest Santa,

 

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home Love,

 

Marky

 

Dear Mark,

 

First stop callling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass

 

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

 

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the

 

boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

 

Sweet dreams, Santa

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A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

So when I post that joke a few months back it causes uproar and I'm pressured to delete it. Now it seems OK. Oh, I get it, the bloke in my joke wasn't a priest. :blink:

 

Anyway, on with the jokes ..

 

How do you tell the Tasmanian virgin?

 

She's the one who can run faster than her brothers.

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Yeah that joke still doesn't sit well with me.

 

How do you circumsize a tasmanian? Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

What is a Tasmanian? Proof that kiwis can swim.

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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

 

She asks him why he is staring.

 

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

 

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

 

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

 

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

 

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

 

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

 

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

>>

>>

>>

>> The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the

>>

>> 86-year-old said ,

>>

>> Things are great and I've never felt better.

>>

>>

>>

>> I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

>>

>>

>> "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

>>

>>

>>

>> The doctor considered his question for a minute and

>>

>> then began to tell a story.

>>

>> "I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter

>>

>> and never misses a season.

>>

>>

>> One day he was setting off to go hunting.

>>

>>

>> In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane

>>

>> instead of his gun."

>>

>> "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting

>> at the water's edge.

>>

>>

>> He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the

>> magnificent creature.

>>

>> Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were

>> his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'."

>>

>> "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

>>

>>

>> Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

>>

>> The 86-year-old said ,

>>

>> "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of

>> rounds into that beaver."

>>

>> The doctor replied , "My point exactly

>>

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Last night I had a nightmare; a really bad one. It was a terrible nightmare; the most horrible you could imagine. In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

 

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color. Black. No, no, God no, it can't be!! I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud, "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."

 

"It's the pure and holy truth," whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual whore and on top of that - with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!

 

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of xxxx. Any job." Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.

 

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see that I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood. At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who you are going to vote for next November? Hillary or Obama?"

 

Sonofabitch! Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one-armed drug addicted Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, living in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT!

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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do

> Weeweechu."

>

>

> Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

>

>

> Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the

> perfect time," Pedro begged.

>

>

> "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

>

>

> Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

>

>

> Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

>

>

> Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

>

>

> "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a

> Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

>

>

> MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!

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A lady walks into a high classly jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price.

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Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Max, my wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

 

 

 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

 

 

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

 

 

 

The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

 

 

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

 

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

 

 

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!

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Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve.

 

Peter shows up and says

"we're having a bit of a party here. To get in, you have to demonstrate a little bit of Christmas spirit, and you're in"

 

The first guy thinks for a second, and pulls out a lighter, waves it in the air and says "Christmas candles"

 

A slightly pissed Peter replies " that'll do, in you come"

 

The second guy thinks a while, pulls out a bunch of keys from his back pocket, waves them around and says "Jingle bells"

 

"nice one! in you come" says Peter.

 

The third guy frantically pats down his pockets, and eventually pulls out a little pair of lacy knickers

 

"and what the hell are they?" asked Peter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Carols"

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It's gonna be a bad night because

You and your conjoined twin are attched at the shoulder

He is gay, you're not

He has a date tonight

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Together you have only one ass

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

 

 

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill a bathtub.

Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

 

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "

A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

 

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

 

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells , 'My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff , rushed out to the cab , lifted the

lady's dress , and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly , I noticed

that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX

------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. At the beginning of my shift , I placed a stethoscope on an

elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big

breaths , ' I instructed. 'Yes , they used to be , ' replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than

five minutes later , I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he

had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist , he informed me , his doctor , that he was having trouble with

one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.

 

'The patch , the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours ,

and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress , and discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes , the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now , the

instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient , I asked ,

'How long have you been bedridden?'

 

After a look of complete confusion , she answered , 'Why , not for

about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

 

 

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson , Corvallis , OR

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked , 'So , how's your breakfast

this morning?'

 

'It's very good , except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to

get used to the taste , ' the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly , and the woman produced a foil

packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

 

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit , MI

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman

with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk , sporting a variety of

tattoos , and wearing strange clothing , entered. It was quickly determined

that the patient had acute appendicitis , so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table , the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green , and above it there was

 

a tattoo that read , 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed , the surgeon wrote a short note on

the patient's dressing , which said , 'Sorry , had to mow the lawn.'

 

Submitted by RN , no name

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

8. As a new , young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite

embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my

embarrassment , I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly

 

burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my

 

work and sheepishly said , 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied , 'No doctor , but the song you were whistling was , 'I

wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

 

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

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HARD TIMES IN OZ

 

This young bloke gets a job as a jackeroo at an outback cattle station way out the back of Bourke.

 

After a long journey by various modes of transport, he arrives at the property and is taken to the boss’s office for familiarisation.

 

The boss goes through the usual routine and eventually gets to the final item, the total lack of women on the property.

 

“Now son,” he begins, “I dunno if you’re aware of it, but there are no women within cooee of here. We do, however, have a solution for the lovelorn. You will find a couple of poddy calves in the paddock just on the west side of the bunkhouse. When you find you are not getting any satisfaction from Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, you are welcome to avail yourself of the poddies.”

 

The jackeroo says, “Nah! Thanks all the same, boss. I came out here to forget a girl friend who did the dirty on me, so I don’t think there’s much chance I’ll want to be in that.”

 

“That’s fine son,” said the boss, “Just bear it in mind!”

 

Six months pass and one morning the Jackeroo sidles into the boss’s office with a sheepish look on his face, “Say Boss; about those poddy calves – I’m beginning to think I might need a bit of a workout.”

 

“No worries, son,” says the boss, “I’ll come out and hold one for you.”

 

So out they go – the boss grabs the prettiest calf by the head, and the Jackeroo drops his dungarees and gets right into it.

 

“Jeez boss,” exclaims the lad as he plunges away, “This is not too bloody bad at all – say Boss, there’s just one little thing you could do for me.”

 

“Name it son and it’s as good as done!” says the boss.

 

“Boss, could you just turn her head around so I can kiss her!”

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New Coins

 

this should probably be in PA but I dont go in there... and it's more of a joke than a political statement..

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this should probably be in PA but I dont go in there... and it's more of a joke than a political statement..

 

wow...the coin thing was too! very funny! :lol:

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HARD TIMES IN OZ

 

This young bloke gets a job as a jackeroo at an outback cattle station way out the back of Bourke.

 

After a long journey by various modes of transport, he arrives at the property and is taken to the boss’s office for familiarisation.

 

The boss goes through the usual routine and eventually gets to the final item, the total lack of women on the property.

 

“Now son,†he begins, “I dunno if you’re aware of it, but there are no women within cooee of here. We do, however, have a solution for the lovelorn. You will find a couple of poddy calves in the paddock just on the west side of the bunkhouse. When you find you are not getting any satisfaction from Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, you are welcome to avail yourself of the poddies.â€

 

The jackeroo says, “Nah! Thanks all the same, boss. I came out here to forget a girl friend who did the dirty on me, so I don’t think there’s much chance I’ll want to be in that.â€

 

“That’s fine son,†said the boss, “Just bear it in mind!â€

 

Six months pass and one morning the Jackeroo sidles into the boss’s office with a sheepish look on his face, “Say Boss; about those poddy calves – I’m beginning to think I might need a bit of a workout.â€

 

“No worries, son,†says the boss, “I’ll come out and hold one for you.â€

 

So out they go – the boss grabs the prettiest calf by the head, and the Jackeroo drops his dungarees and gets right into it.

 

“Jeez boss,†exclaims the lad as he plunges away, “This is not too bloody bad at all – say Boss, there’s just one little thing you could do for me.â€

 

“Name it son and it’s as good as done!†says the boss.

 

“Boss, could you just turn her head around so I can kiss her!â€

i'm sorry - beg to differ. this is actually a true story however it happened in nz, after only 1 week (not 6 months) and it was a sheep (not calf). in all other respects, true story...

 

btw, did you know it was a kiwi who invented velcro ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah - the sheep were starting to recognise the sound of the zip :lol::lol::lol:

 

cheers,

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to

> cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids

> what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

>

>

> The kids were eager to know what the meat

> was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said,

> 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

>

>

>

> The little girl screams to her brother

> 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

 

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

 

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

 

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

 

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

 

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

 

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

 

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

 

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

 

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

 

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

 

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

 

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

 

DICK CHENEY :

Where's my gun?

 

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white?

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I hear...

 

Copper wire was invented by two Scotts fighting over a penny.

 

Have a nice day?

Ken

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this thread is almost 4 years old. Most of the jokes have been posted multiple time (no worries, everyone loves multiples). Take time to go back and read some of the early jokes. Good shit. I won some red hats with these jokes...

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Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?

To them, "Love" means nothing.

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What do you call a black fella with a stutter?

 

A cocoon.

 

Ahem....

 

What is the major cause of paedophilia?

 

Sexy children

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Why did Natalie Wood stop taking showers on the boat?

 

 

She would rather wash up on shore.

 

 

 

 

I'll get my coat.

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3 guys are sitting in a bar talking about thier kids.

 

First guy says I have 5 boys im gonna start a basketball team.

 

Second guy says better yet I have 9 boys im gonna start a baseball team

 

Third guy sittin there sippin on his beer says o yea well I have 18 girls.

 

First 2 guys look at him and say what the fuck are you gonna do with 18 girls.

 

Third guy replies and says I'm gonna start a golf course..

 

----------------

 

*Next few jokes may rascist or have racial slurs.Not trying to offend anybody as I'm not this way

 

Did you hear about the two blondes that built the bridge in the desert?Think thier dumb shoulda seen the 2 black guys fishin off it.

 

 

CNN news reporter talking to a lady after Hurricane Katrina and says ma'am you know how many Church's were destoyed during the hurricane?Lady responds with shit nigga I dont know I only eat Popeyes!

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Why did the rooster cross the road?

 

Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

 

 

Don't forget to tip your waitress.

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Why did the baby cross the road?

 

 

 

 

It was stapled to the chicken.

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Never send your wife to Lowes...

 

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Lowes.

 

At Lowes , Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish

waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

 

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

 

 

 

' No, but I will for the faucet.'

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Bit of an incident at the boot scooting class the other night, the buck rabbit did the dozzy doe in the corner.

 

 

 

 

Page 2 #192.......still chuckle over that.

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Hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines...

 

 

ugh...

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almos t empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

 

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

 

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.......

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

I creased up! Thanks...

 

 

Here's one I like:

One morning the foreman on a building site near London, looked out of his office to see Paddy, messing about with a hole from which they's recently removed a loo. There was Paddy, with a scaffold pole, stirring about in the stinking ... ughhhh...

"What's up, Paddy?" asked the foreman.

"I've lost me coat!" grunted Paddy.

"Won't be much good to you now, will it...?" commiserated the foreman.

"Nooo..," Paddy replied, "but me sandwiches are in the pocket..."

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So the postman had a parcel to deliver. It was too big to fit in the letterbox, so he rang the doorbell. A boy of about eleven or so answered the door, with a large whiskey in one hand and a big fat Cuban cigar in the other.

 

The postman asked, " Hello, is your Mum or Dad at home?"

 

The boy looked at him incredulously and replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What the fuck do you think?"

 

BS

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers & their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the 1st mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the 2nd Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

He turned to the 3rd Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

 

At this point, the 4th mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand & whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving

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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

 

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuctio n, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

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What did the bra say to the hat?

 

"You go on ahead, I'm going to hang around here and give this pair a lift."

 

 

Sol 's gonna be here all week, tip your bartenders and waitresses. Try the veal. :P

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I rear-ended a car this morning.

 

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of

the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and

life-stuff seems to get funny?

 

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

 

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

 

. . . and that's when the fight started .

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3 mercenaries were caught in a Ex-French African colony. The War Lord tribal leader had condemend them to death by Guillotine. The first mercenary a British chap was asked " Any last words before you meet your maker?" the Brit shouted" God bless the Queen" "Off with his head" cried the War Lord .They threw him to his knees clamped him down and pulled the rope. By a miracle the blade stopped short by an inch. Because he had met his demise with such honour the War Lord set him free. The next fella an American was asked the same question, where as he replied " God Bless America! " "Off with his head" cried the War Lord. Shoved to his knees and clamped down the rope pulled once again. Yet again the blade stopped one inch from the victims neck. The War Lord again was impressed by the nerve and honour displayed and set the American free. Finally the last mercenary a Canadain Newfie was asked, "Any last words before you meet your maker?" Which he replied," Bye da lard thunderin gezuz , youse got one mess of a knot in your rope dere bye!"

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Circumcised

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back

of the class was squirming around, scratching his

crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to

find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed

and whispered that he had just recently been

circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's

office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her

what he should do about it. He did it and returned to

his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back

of the room. She went back to investigate only to find

him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could

stick it out till noon , she'd come and pick me up

from school."

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The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

 

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness >From God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.

 

 

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

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What's the difference between

 

mini_me.jpg

 

and

 

Scary%20Hillary%20Clinton.jpg

 

 

One is a cunning runt, and the other is...

 

 

OK, I'll get my coat.

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Four wealthy men are in the hospital waiting room whilst their wives are in labor. After a time, a nurse enters and says to the first man, "Congratulations, sir! Your wife has just given birth to twins!" He replies "What a coincidence! I am the owner of the Minnesota Twins baseball franchise!" The other men all congratulate him.

 

Later, the nurse returns and says to the second man, "Congratulations sir, your wife has just had a healthy set of triplets!" He replies "How ironic! I am President of the 3M Company!" The other men congratulate him, but the fourth man looks a little nervous.

 

For a third time, the nurse comes in and says to the third man, "Congratulations, sir! Your wife has just borne quadruplets!" He replies "How strange! I am the CEO of the Four Seasons Hotel!" While the others congratulate him, the fourth man passes out cold. "Oh dear," Says the nurse, "What's the matter?"

 

 

 

 

The other men inform her that the unconscious gentlemen is, in fact, the owner of the 711 convenience store franchise.

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A boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills Gran, they were labelled LSD?"

 

 

Granny answers: "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady Because she

had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about What it felt

like to be marrying again at 80, and then about Her new husband's

occupation.

 

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

 

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she Wouldn't

mind telling him a little about her first three Husbands and what they

did for a living.

 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all Those

years. After a short time, a smile came to her face And she answered

proudly, explaining that she'd first Married a banker when she was in

her early 20s, then a Circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a

preacher when In her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

 

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked Why she had

married four men with such diverse careers.

 

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the

show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

 

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

 

And *poof* she's gone.

 

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

 

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

 

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask

 

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

 

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .

 

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

 

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

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this one is for valentines day:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A husband went into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

 

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

 

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

 

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

 

He never heard the shot.

 

Funeral is this Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

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"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

Ouch!!

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2 hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread & beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

 

1 of the hillbillies looks at her & says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts her across the table, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

 

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.'

 

MS

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suspect this may be a re run.......

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my arse and a car hit me.

 

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

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The young indian brave said to his father, the tribal chief: “how do you name the braves and squaws”. The chief replies: “we name you after the first thing we see when a new brave is born. When your older brother, “Running Bear”, was born we saw a young black bear running, and when your cousin, ‘Soaring Eagle’ was born we saw a bald eagle soaring in the sky. Why do you ask, ‘Two Dogs Fucking’ ?

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Giorgio is in the country for about six months. He walks to work every day and passes this shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Boccelli leather shoes.

 

Each payday he puts a few dollars aside until he saves the $300 the shoes cost and then purchases them.

 

Each Friday night, the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance, he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

 

Sophia, startled, says, "Why yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

 

Giorgio replies, "I see-a the reflection in-a my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like-a them?"

 

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

 

Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

 

He answers, "I see-a the reflection in-a my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like-a them?"

 

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, so Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, still-a my heart. Please, please tell-a me you wear-a no panties tonight. Please, please, tell-a me this is true."

 

Carmella answers coquettishly, "Why, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

 

Giorgio gasps and says ... "Thank-a God ... I thought I see a crack inna my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

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2 sperm are swimming around:

 

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

 

sperm 2 says "it’s gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esouphagus."

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2 sperm are swimming around:

 

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

 

sperm 2 says "it’s gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esouphagus."

 

yeah, it's been posted before, but not with so much volume...

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2 sperm are swimming around:

 

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

 

sperm 2 says "it’s gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esouphagus."

 

 

tonsils is easier to spell....

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The cuckoo clock

>

>

> Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

 

> If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of

> humor. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

> I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well,

 

> the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3

 

> a.m., a

 

> bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo

> clock

 

> in the hallway started up

> and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably

> wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for

> coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a

> possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos

> plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my

> husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he

> didn't seem p*ssed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

> Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he

> said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh

 

> sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another

> three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the

> coffee table and farted.'

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