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      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  
JOD

Joke

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This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a

little

girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in

the

goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the

empty

lot. The young familys 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest

in

all

the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She

hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them

gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project

mascot.

 

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and

lunch

breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay

envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her

mother

who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that

they

take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a

savings

account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed

with

the Story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own

pay

Check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked

all

Last week with a construction crew building a house.My goodness

gracious,said the teller, and will you be working on the house again

this

week, too?

 

The little girl replied... "I will if those useless bastards at

Bunnings

ever bring us the fucking gyprock"

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George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his

talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.

 

"Billy!"

 

"And what is your question, Billy?"

 

"I have three questions:

 

First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;

 

Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and

 

Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

 

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 

When they resumed, the President says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

 

A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name.

 

"Steve!"

 

"And what is your question, Steve?"

 

"I have five questions:

 

First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;

 

Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;

 

Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;

 

Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and

 

Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

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I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we

used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like

to meet up and maybe rekindle a little bit of that

magic.

 

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit

older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

 

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband

that's a few inches wider these days!"

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying

she thought tubby bald men were cute!

 

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

 

 

So I hung up.

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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his

> ashes home.

>

> Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

>

> Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

>

> "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the

> insurance money!"

>

> "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it

> with the insurance money!"

>

> "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the

> insurance money!"

>

> Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that

> b_l_o_w job I promised you?

>

>

> Here it comes."

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Remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer

 

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours

in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in

front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large

and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

 

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into

the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open

areas

between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was

full.

They agreed that it was.

 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if

the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and

poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty

space between the sand.

 

The students laughed.

 

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to

recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things--your family, your children, your health, your

friends,your favorite passions-- things that if everything else was

lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

 

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your

house, your car.

 

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into

the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or

the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the

small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important

to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

 

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your

partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean

the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the

things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of

the students raised their hand and inquired what the beer represented.

 

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you

that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a

couple of beers.

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Apartment for rent.......................

 

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the Night with her

for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have

any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it

to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office

he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth

the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the

following typed note:

 

 

Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 For rent of

your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I

rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

 

 

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that it was small enough to make me

feel cozy and at home.

 

 

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't

any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the

girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

 

 

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a Beautiful

apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, There is

plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the

apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

 

 

Send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady.

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> Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a

Kiwi, an Australian (both guys), a young blonde lady, and a little old

Swiss lady.

>

> The train goes into a tunnel and a few seconds later there's the

sound of a loud slap.

>

> When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright

red hand print on his cheek.

>

> No one speaks.

>

> The old lady thinks:

>

> That the Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she

slapped his cheek.

>

> The blonde thinks:

>

> That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed

and fondled the old lady, and she slapped his cheek.

>

> The Australian thinks:

>

> That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap

him but missed and got me instead.

>

> The Kiwi thinks:

>

> I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Aussie again!!!!!

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A blind bloke walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. Goes up to the bar, seats himself and asks for a beer.

After a couple of pints he asks the bartender in a loud voice if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender...offfended...says to the blindman,"It is obvious you are blind so I can forgive your mistake...but do you realise that I am blond...the woman next to you is blond and a weightlifter...and the woman the other side of you is a martial arts expert and also a blond....Now do you really want to tell us your blond joke?"

"Hell no" says the blindman.

"I don't want to have to explain it THREE times"

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A blond driving down a road in her VW Beetle when the engine cuts out. She coasts to a hault, gets out and lifts the bonnet, immediatly seeing the problem. Just then a second woman pulls up also in a beetle and asks what the problem is.

 

The first blond replies "The car wont go, my engine must have fallen out"

 

"It's alright." says the second lady, "I've got a spare in the boot."

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This one really is shit:

 

Two ants running across a soap box

 

"Why are we running so fast?" Asks the first

 

"Can't you read" says the second, "It says: 'Tear along the dotted line'"

 

:(

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A cruise in the Pacific goes wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; David, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island. And they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 

After several years of casual shagging, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both David and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

 

It was very tragic but David and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

 

Well, a couple more years went by and David and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing. So they buried her.

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A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

 

The first says to him : "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head and she leans down and gives him a hug.

 

Then the second says:" Have you ever been kissed?"

He shakes his head.

She kisses him.

 

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks:"Have you ever been f***ed?"

 

"No", says the man, his eyes lighting up.

 

"Well, you are now. The tides coming in"

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After a long night of making love the guy rolls over and is

looking around,

when he notices a framed picture of another man on the night

stand by the

bed.

 

Naturally, he began to worry.

 

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

 

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said,

nibbling away

at his ear.

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be

reassured.

 

"No, no, no!!!" she said.

 

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

 

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door

in a little red wagon with liitle ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and the wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look."that sure is a nice fire truck"the fire fighter says with admiration.

 

"thanks"the girl says.

 

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."little partner" the firefighter says "I dont want to tell you how to run your rig but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar I think you could go faster."

 

The little girl replies thoughtfully"You're probably right but then it wouldn't have a siren."

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A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

 

The first says to him : "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head and she leans down and gives him a hug.

 

Then the second says:" Have you ever been kissed?"

He shakes his head.

She kisses him.

 

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks:"Have you ever been f***ed?"

 

"No", says the man, his eyes lighting up.

 

"Well, you are now. The tides coming in"

Different version:

 

A WOMAN with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

She is approached by three beautiful young men who take pity on her.

 

The first says to her : "Have you ever been hugged?"

The woman shakes her head and he leans down and gives her a hug.

 

Then the second says:" Have you ever been kissed?"

She shakes her head.

He kisses her.

 

Rather abruptly, the third guy asks:"Have you ever been f***ed?"

 

"No", says the woman, her eyes lighting up.

 

..he gently picks her off the beach, walks down the pier as the sun is setting behind them...throws her off the pier - "Now you're fucked" <_<

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Why does a dog lick his dick?

 

Because he can't make a fist.

 

-----------------------------------

 

What do you say to a trimmer with a black eye?

 

Nothing you already told him once.

 

-----------------------------------

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doe's anyone know anything about antiuqes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i found a used tampon and wanted to know what period it was from!

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A cruise in the Pacific goes wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; David, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island. And they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 

After several years of casual shagging, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both David and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

 

It was very tragic but David and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

 

Well, a couple more years went by and David and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing. So they buried her.

Glenn you bastard, you made me spit diet coke thru my nose! :lol:

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After a race I was talking with my Blonde Morale Officer. She'd met this really nice guy and was quite taken by him.

 

"He's so great! He pays attention to me. He has lots of money. And, the sex is incredible!!!". "But there is one thing about him that bothers me - he has dandruff so bad. It's disgusting! I don't want to make him mad, but it's gross. What should I do???"

 

So, I tell her "Well, you could always give him some Head and Shoulders."

 

Silence. She gets this odd look on her face and says to me...

 

"But, but, but, how do I give him Shoulders?"

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> There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and

> they're at death's door.

>

> As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or

> something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off

> in

> the distance.

>

> As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon

> rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy

> nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

>

> "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

>

> "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to

> the

> tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five

> feet

> of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down

> in

> a hail of bullets.

>

> His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying

> Pepe.

>

> "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

>

> With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not

> a

> Bacon Tree!"

>

> (Scroll Down, ees worth it!)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Ees"

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Ees"

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> "Ees... a.... Ham bush"

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Two powerboater guys were walking down the street one day when they saw a Doberman on the sidewalk licking it's balls.

 

The one powerboater says to the other "Man, I wish I could do that"

 

The other says "Me too but, don't you think we better pet him first? He might be mean."

 

 

 

 

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

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A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

 

The first says to him : "Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head and she leans down and gives him a hug.

 

Then the second says:" Have you ever been kissed?"

He shakes his head.

She kisses him.

 

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks:"Have you ever been f***ed?"

 

"No", says the man, his eyes lighting up.

 

"Well, you are now. The tides coming in"

I have a feeling there are a few of these, but...

 

Bloke walked up to a brothel door and knockes. A voice from inside calls:

 

"What do you want?"

 

Rather miffed by this question the man replies "I want to be f***ed!"

 

"It'll cost ya fifty quid, slide it under the door" says the voice

 

The man complys with the request and waits for the door to open. Three minutes later the man growes impatient and knocks again.

 

The same voice answers "What do you want?"

 

Rather angry the guy replies, "I want to be f***ed!!"

 

"What, again?!" says the voice.

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A guy gets on an elevator with a hot woman

 

When the door closes he looks over and says to her "can I smell your pussy?"

 

She screams "NO!" and slaps him across the face.

 

He calmly turns back to her and says "oh, must be your feet then"

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An Asian gentleman walked into the currency exchange in New

York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

 

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was

handed $66.

 

He asked the teller, "Why get less money than got last week?"

 

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,

he turned around and said: " Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

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George W. Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games:

 

"Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!"

 

An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those are the Olympic

rings, your speech is below!"

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Toward the end of the service, the~preacher asked his congregation, How many

of you have forgiven your enemies?

 

About half held up their hands.

 

He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80

percent held up their hands.

 

He then repeated his question again.

 

All responded, except one small elderly lady.

 

"Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your

enemies?

 

"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.

 

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

 

"Ninety-three," she replied.

 

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would

you~please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a

person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the

congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

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So God goes to Adam not to long after the creation and says, "You know Adam I think your ready for a mate."

"A mate?" replies Adam

"Oh you'll love this" says God, "You'll go out hunt and gather come back to cave she'll have a fire going warm meal ready for you."

Adam says, "Well that sounds good."

"Oh there's more, maybe you'll get some urges she'll take care of you. Couple kids might come along, she'll take care of them you won't have to do a thing."

"Well I like the sound of that" replies Adam, "But what's that going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg." says God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What can I get for a rib?"

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Reminded of this by the thread about Paris Hilton's dog.

 

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

 

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having little accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

 

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbour's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

 

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful blonde model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."

 

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

 

The Great Dane says, "Oh no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

 

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

 

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice

if you came second for a change!".

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> Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went

> missing for six days.

>

> Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him

> on the seventh day, resting.

>

> He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

>

> God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly

> pointed downwards through the clouds

>

> "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God.

>

> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,

> "What is it?"

>

> "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE

> on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be

> a great place of balance."

>

> Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

>

> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

>

> "For example, North America will be a place of great

> opportunity and wealth while South America is going

> to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot

> spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

>

> Over there I've placed a continent of white people

> and over there is a continent of black people,"

>

> God continued, pointing to different countries.

> This one will be extremely hot and arid while

> this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

>

> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then

> pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that

> one?"

>

> Ah ," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most

> glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes,

> rivers, streams and hills.

>

> The people from New Zealand are going to be modest,

> intelligent and humorous and they're going to be

> found travelling the world.

>

> They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and

> high-achieving, and they will be known throughout

> the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

>

> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then

> proclaimed, "What about balance, God? you said there

> will be BALANCE!"

>

> God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers

> I'm putting next to them. I call them Australians!!!

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Rich lawyer driving home sees 2 guys eating the grass on the side of the road. Lawyer stops and asks "why are you eating grass?"

 

First guy says "I've fallen on hard times, no money for food, this is all there is to eat". Second guy says the same thing.

 

Lawyer says "you can't eat this grass, get in the car and come home with me". First guy says "But I've got a wife and 2 kids – just over that hill. They're eating the grass over there."

 

Lawyer says, "bring them too – and you can come also" to the second guy.

 

"But I've got a wife and 6 kids" says the second grass eater –"and they are eating grass on the other side of the hill also".

 

"Bring them all", says the lawyer – "there's plenty of room in the Limo".

 

The 2 guys gather their wives and kids and they all bundle into the Limo with the kind lawyer.

 

As they drive off, the lawyer smiles at the poor creatures in the car and says "You'll love it at my place…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the grass on my front lawn is a foot high!"

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The Millionaire

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

 

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no

pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"

 

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

 

And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that

she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence,such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"

 

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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I was driving home from work in DC when the traffic came to

a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual."

 

Then I noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so

I rolled down my window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

 

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his

motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself

on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in

Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts

will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection

for him."

 

"How much have you got so far?" I asked.

 

The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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skipper sent this, had to make a few gender changes...

 

A funeral service is being held for a man who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find the man is actually alive! He lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket toward the door, the wife cries out: "Watch the wall!"

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This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from

>the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring

>the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was

>fired; however, he/she is currently suing The WordPerfect organisation for

>"Termination without Cause."

>

>Actual dialogue of a former Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know

>why they record these conversations!)

>

>"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

>

> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

>

>"What sort of trouble?"

>

>"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

>

> "Went away?"

>

> "They disappeared."

>

>"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

>

>"Nothing."

>

>"Nothing?"

>

> "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

>

> "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

>

> "How do I tell?"

>

>"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

>

> "What's a sea-prompt?"

>

>"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

>

>There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

>

> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

>

> "What's a monitor?"

>

>"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

>

>"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on"

>

> "I don't know."

>

>"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord

>goes into it. Can you see that?"

>

>"Yes, I think so."

>

> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the

>wall."

>

> "Yes, it is."

>

> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

>cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

>

>"No."

>

> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other

>cable."

>

> "Okay, here it is."

>

> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of

>your computer."

>

> "I can't reach."

>

>"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

>

> "No."

>

> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

>

> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's

>dark."

>

>"Dark?"

>

> "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

>from

>the window."

>

>"Well, turn on the office light then."

>

> "I can't."

>

>"No? Why not?"

>

> "Because there's a power failure."

>

> "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

>Do

>you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came

>in?"

>

>"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

>

>"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was

>when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

>

>"Really? Is it that bad?"

>

> "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

>

>"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

>

> Tell them you're too fu*king stupid to own a computer."

>

>

>

>

>

>

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On a Hot and Dusty day, an old Cowboy comes riding into small western town,, and ties his horse to the hitching rail in front of the Saloon, to have himself a beer.

 

But before he goes inside, he walks around to the back of the horse, picks up its tail and KISSES the horse "where the sun don't shine".

 

 

Another cowboy, sitting on the front porch, asks him "Whud ya dew THET fer??

 

 

"Ah got chapped lips"

 

 

"Does thet help"

 

 

"No,,, but it keeps me from lickin' em"

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A nurse walks into a bank and, preparing to write a

>check, she pulls a

>rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to

>write with it. She looks

>at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a

>beat says: "Well that's

>great... that's really great...some asshole's got my

>pen!"

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Substitute the city of your choice, OK

 

 

ELIZABETH CITY COUNCIL BID FOR 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES.

 

Elizabeth City Council is to make a bid to host the 2012 Olympic

Games.

 

In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will

win at least some medals, the competition will be modified somewhat.

 

However, fierce competition is expected from traditional rivals such

as Salisbury, Hackham West, Wingfield

 

 

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native

of the city wearing the traditional garb of flannelette shirt, jeans

and no shoes, with his defacto wearing bike pants and short top with

oversized stomach.

 

THE EVENTS

100 Metre Sprint.

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave (one in

each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will

be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

 

100 Metre Hurdles

As above but with added obstacles, including car bonnets,

hedges,gardens,fences, walls, trains etc.

 

Hammer Throw

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to

use(claw, sledge, jack etc) the winner will be the one who can cause

the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the

time allowed.

 

Shooting

A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first

target will be a moving police vehicle, in the second round,

competitors will aim at a Post Office clerk, Bank Teller, Console

Operator or Video store attendant.

 

Boxing

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will

take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15

schooners of VB at the Elizabeth Tavern followed by a quick peek in a

lap dancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any

dinner when he gets home.

 

She will be wearing bike pants, short top and thongs.

 

Cycling Time Trials

The competitors will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will

obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummy's Boy (preferably from Prince

Alfred or other college). They will then be racing against the clock.

Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at the time of

taking the bike.

 

Modern Pentathlon

Amended to Robbery With Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor

Vehicle, Arson and Willful Exposure.

 

50km Walk

Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as organizers cannot

guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Elizabeth.

 

Gymnastics

The beam will be replaced by a strip of gutter outside the Elizabeth

Tavern.

 

The event will commence at closing time we expect some extremely

difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The

floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Yatala

watchhouse.

 

CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include the local Torres Strait Islanders Dancing

Group accompanied by a local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic flame will

be extinguished by local representatives by urinating from the base

of the spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will then be boarded

up before local athletes break into it and remove all the copper

piping and air-conditioners.

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One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled

up beside him and its window was wound down. I'll give you a bag of

lollies if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way, get stuffed!!"

replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.

"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster. What about a bag of

juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to

keep up with the walking boy. "No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!"

answered the boy. "Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100

and a bag of lollies," the driver offered. "No!" screamed the boy. "What

will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh!

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with

it!"

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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After

looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told

the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

 

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been

trained to give blowjobs. "Blowjobs?" the woman replied.

 

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month." he said.

 

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no

more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

 

When she explained Froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely

skeptical and laughed it off.

 

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this

less than riveting act again.

 

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans

flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

 

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog

reading cookbooks.

 

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

 

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

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Good one Grumpers...and in similar fashion

 

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!

 

Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

 

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied."

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

"No Kidding?!" He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

 

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

 

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

 

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

 

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

 

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

 

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

 

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

 

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

 

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

 

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

 

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

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It's a rip off of a Scottish joke (Billy Connolly) re: Cetics vs. Rangers.

 

"In my opinion, football violence will never end so long as they keep shitting in our shoes...and we keep pissin' in their Bovral!"

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ALL women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo:

>

> A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a

> Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she

> stops

> the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

> During their small talk, theNavajo woman glances surreptitiously at a

> brown bag

> on the front seat between them.

>

> "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a

> bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

>

> The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says,

> "Good trade."

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York.  One sat in the window seat and

>the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on

>and took the aisle seat.  After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off,

>wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,

>"I think I'll get up and get a beer."

>"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."

>

>While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat

>in it.  When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks

>good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to

>get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and

>spat in it.  When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and

>enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the American slipped his

>feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

>

>He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way?

>How long must this go on?  This fighting between our nations?  This hatred?

>This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

the joke needs a little work.... Arabia is not a Nation and Muslims don't drink beer.

You don't know many Muslims then do you?

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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His

birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his

mother what he wanted.

 

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

 

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at

school and at home.

 

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his

birthday.

 

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

 

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his

behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he

deserved a bike for his birthday.

 

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a

letter.

 

 

_____

 

LETTER 1:

 

Dear God,

 

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday. I want a red one.

 

Your friend,

 

Leroy

 

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so

he tore up the letter and started over.

 

 

_____

 

LETTER 2:

 

Dear God,

 

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I

would like a red bike for my birthday.

 

Thank you,

 

Leroy

 

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

 

 

_____

 

LETTER 3:

 

Dear God,

 

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my

birthday.

 

Leroy

 

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either

 

Leroy was very upset.

 

_____

 

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's

mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

 

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

 

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked

around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,

into his house, and up to his room.

 

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

 

 

_____

 

LETTER 4

 

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

 

Signed

 

YOU KNOW WHO

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A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red

sports car and

was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively

more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she asked.

The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed

it to the cop. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it

back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".

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LITTLE TONY ON MATHS

> > Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

> >

> > "Why?" asks the father?

> >

> > "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

> >

> > "But that's right!" says his dad.

> >

> > "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

> >

> > "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

> >

> > "That's what I said!"

> >

> > LITTLE TONY ON MATH

> > A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

> you

> > shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

> > She calls on little TONY.

> >

> > He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

> >

> > The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

> >

> > Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women

> > sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the

sides

> > of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top

and

> > sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

> >

> > Which one is married?"

> >

> > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one

> > that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

> >

> > To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the

> > wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

> >

> > LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

> > Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going

to

> > learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a

> > multi-syllable word?"

> >

> > TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

> >

> > Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

> >

> > Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

> >

> > LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

> > Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to

> go

> > to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

> >

> > The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in

> > this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please

use

> > the word ur-i-nate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to

go."

> >

> > Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if

> you

> > had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

> >

> > LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

> > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show

> of

> > hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same

sentence

> > twice.

> >

> > First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought

> > my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

> >

> > "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

> > Michael.

> >

> > "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

> >

> > She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on

> > little TONY.

> >

> > "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was

> > pregnant, and he said Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

> >

> > LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

> > Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after

> > another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son,

> > you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give

> > you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

> >

> > Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

> >

> > The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

> >

> > Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

> >

> > I LOVE LITTLE TONY!!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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Fock, it's just a joke, little Johnny's our PRIME MINISTER jeff, I had to use Tony.

 

(that's as close as you'll get for Aussie politics too)

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Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office

wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United

States when his telephone rang.

 

 

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down

at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that

we are officially declaring war on you!"

 

 

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is

your army?"

 

 

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,

me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team

from the pub. That makes eight!"

 

 

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand

men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

 

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is

still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

 

 

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have

two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

 

 

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks

and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one

hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

 

 

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

 

 

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still

on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie

McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and

four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

 

 

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell

you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military

complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And

since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

 

 

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

 

 

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.

Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

 

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

 

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and

decided there's just no fookin' way we can feed two hundred thousand

prisoners.

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A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew

his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex

drive, so

he thought he'd better

buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was

gone. He

went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around

for

something special to please

his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

 

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have

vibrating

dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of

anything

that will keep her

occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

 

"Except what?" the man asked.

 

"Nothing, nothing."

 

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

 

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The

Voodoo

Penis."

 

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

 

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old

wooden

box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened

it, and

there lay an

ordinary-looking dildo.

 

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like

every

other dildo in this shop!"

 

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He

pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

 

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over

to the

door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook

wildly with

the vibrations, so

much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

 

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to

box!"

 

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay

there quiet

once more.

 

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

 

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special

dildo and

that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my

crotch."

 

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny

and

remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and

said

"Voodoo Penis, my

crotch!"

 

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was

absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced

before. After

three mind- shattering

orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She

tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She

tried and tried to get it out,

but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how

to shut

it off.

 

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could

help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,

quivering

with every thrust of the

dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her

swerve all

over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He

asked for

her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

 

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to

drink,

officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my

crotch

and it will not stop

screwing me!"

 

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an

arrogant voice replied,

 

"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

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Old prospector finally retires, builds himself a cabin way up in the woods where he thinks nobody will bother him.

 

One evening there is a knock on the door, startled, the old man answers the door.

 

Big Sven in standing in the doorway.

 

He says Hello I,m your new neighbor, and I wanted to invite you to a party.

 

The old prospector thinks for a moment and realizes that he is in fact very lonely, and says "yes sure I'll come, what kind of party is it?"

 

Big sven says "you like to drink?"

 

"Sure"

 

"well there will be some"

 

Big sven says "you like gambling?"

 

"Sure"

 

"well there will be some"

 

Big sven says "you like to fight?"

 

Sure

 

"well there will be some"

 

Big Sven says "you like sex?"

 

Sure

 

"well there will be some"

 

The prospector now quite excited asks sven, wow sounds like fun, what should I wear?

 

Sven says "Oh it doesn't much matter it will only be you and me..."

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Fins sent this out this morning, all the Canucks will love it!

 

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country

to invade next, when his telephone rang...

 

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up

'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am

callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

 

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big

is your army?"

 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,

me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from

the pub. That makes eight!"

 

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in

my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

 

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is

still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

 

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm

tractor."

 

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000

tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to

one and a half million since we last spoke."

 

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to

ya."

 

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war

is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified

Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four

byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

 

 

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell

you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military

complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And

since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

 

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am

sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long

chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can

feed two million prisoners."

 

 

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

And Canadian stupidity cannot be overestimated.

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Canada; HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

That's funny!!!

Canada--

 

The very best in the world--

 

At being directly North of the United States

 

:P

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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

 

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

 

Note: This is obviously a joke! B)

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A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in

her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her

private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the

monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough

there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband

and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a

little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the

curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his

wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no

pulse, no heart rate.

 

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!!!!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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as told by my wife....

 

 

do you know why god invented yeast infections?

 

 

so women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt.

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The definition of courage:

 

You come home stinking, stumbling drunk, hours later than you told your wife you planning on being home.

 

After you walk in the door she assaults you with a broom - you have the courage to ask her: "Honey, were you up late cleaning or were you planning on flying somewhere?" :lol:

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Q. What's the hardest part about roller blading

 

 

A. Telling your folks that you're gay.

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Guest rokurota

Ok sweetie told me this one....

 

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz???

One is a snack cracker.

 

 

And this is an oldie...

 

What's the difference between a woman's track team and a bunch of genius pigmies????

The pigmies are cunning runts.

 

I've always liked this series…

 

Why do ducks have webbed feet???

To stamp out forest fires.

 

Why do elephants have flat feet???

To stamp out burning ducks.

 

What's the black stuff between an elephants tows????

Slow running pigmies.

 

How does an elephant hide in a tree????

Paints his balls red and pretends their apples.

 

How did Tarzan die???

Picking apples.

 

How does and elephant get out of a tree???

Sits on a leaf and waits until fall.

 

Why are pigmies so short???

They walk through the jungle in the fall.

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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the

sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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A serial killer and a little boy are walking into the woods.

The boy says "boy these woods sure are dark and scary"

The SK says "you telling me, I gotta walk out of here alone"

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Last one.

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

 

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

 

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

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"I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school."

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A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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Two mice were sitting in a dancers’ dressing room at the Moulin Rouge.

One said, "Cor! Look at the legs on her!"

The other replied, "Very nice - but I’m a titmouse myself!"

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A missionary gets the word that he is to return home after spending years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replies, "My bike!"

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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

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These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska, as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year." "Okay," they said and left.

The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah!" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him!" said the guy.

"Why?"

 

"I caught him in bed with my board."

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First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Native American?

Second Man: How?

First Man: There! Told you I could.

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An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and soon began sending home money and gifts to her parents.

 

After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up at the family home in a Rolls Royce, and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds.

 

As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries a lot of money in London deez days."

 

The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

 

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by da shame of what you've become!"

 

"Please forgive me, Da," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things; I wanted to be able to send you money; and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

 

Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say ‘prostitute’? T’ank Heaven, I t’ought ye said ‘PROTESTANT’!!"

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A guy was walking past a pet shop and stopped to look in the window (as we all do!) where he spotted the cutest animal he had ever seen. Captivated, he went inside and asked the proprietor what sort of animal it was.

“That,” said the man, “is a most unusual animal; it’s calle