JOD

Joke

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A woman was depressed in that she had not had a date or any sex for a long time.

 

Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the expertise of a sex therapist.

 

Her GP referred her to a Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so off she went.

 

Entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "Ok, take off aw your crows, prease."

 

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

 

"Now!" said Dr. Wang "Get down on your knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to the other side of room."

 

When she had done that, Dr Wang said, "Ok! Now, turn rown and craw reery, reery fass back to me."

 

Once again, she obliged.

 

Dr Wang slowly shook his head. "OK; you probrem reery, reery bad; you got Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you have no date; that why you have no sex."

 

Confused the woman asked, "What is this Ed Zachary disease?"

 

Dr Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

 

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

 

Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds:

 

"He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

 

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

 

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

 

"I can't piss out of it," he replied..

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A man with a gun and wearing a balaclava entered a bank and ordered everyone to hit the deck and not look up.

 

He went up to the teller and ordered him to fill the sack he handed him.

 

Just then a security guard jumped up and tried to wrestle the gun off the robber, in the process pulling off his balaclava.

 

The robber overcame the guard and said to him “now you’ve seen my face I’m gunna have to kill you”. He raised the gun to his head and BANG shot him dead.

 

The robber turned to the teller and said “now you’ve seen my face I’m gunna have to kill you”. He raised the gun to his head and BANG shot him dead.

 

 

 

The robber turned around to the customerswho were all still lying face down on the floor, and said ‘anyone else here see my face……………..”

 

Silence,........... then up near the back, this bloke, still looking away, raised his hand and said, pointing to a woman lying next to him,

 

“I think my wife had a quick peek……………..”

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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then

 

work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works - he was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

 

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home, his wife contacted the Police to investigate him missing, they rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grappel full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

 

 

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper.....................

 

 

 

 

 

OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

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So, the took a survey.

80% of the sailors in America masturbate in the shower... the other 20% sing.

what do they sing???

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A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

 

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

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A longhaired and slightly effeminate youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South of USA.

 

He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.

 

After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

 

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

 

"If I'm a boy or a girl!" answered the youth.

 

"Don't matter!" replied the trucker, "Gonna fuck ya anyway!"

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After a traumatic delivery, the doctor decides the mother has recovered enough to see her child, but he warns her that the baby is terribly deformed and that she must brace herself for the worst.

 

The woman and the doctor walk down the long white halls of the hospital until they come to a special ward. And there, in an incubator, they see a baby with no arms.

 

"Is this my baby?" wails the woman.

 

"I only wish this were your baby." says the doctor.

 

He leads her down another long corridor.

 

Soon they come to another special care ward, and there they see a tiny baby with no arms or legs whatsoever.

 

"Is-is-is this m-m-my baby?" she stammers.

 

"I only wish this were your baby." replies the doctor gravely.

 

They continue their walk through the endless hospital, before finally coming to the Intensive Intensive Care Unit (IICU).

 

There, in a specialized crib unit, they see just a tiny lump completely covered by its blankets.

 

The doctor gently draws back the blanket to reveal a horrifying sight - one lone human eyeball!

 

"Oh my God! My baby!" cries the young mother.

 

"I'm afraid it gets worse, ma'am. We believe he may be blind."

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A priest takes a walk to the pier near his church and stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.

 

The fisherman asks the priest if he would like to join him fishing for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

 

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No."

 

So he baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot Father!"

 

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and, after a struggle, manages to get it to the boat.

 

FISHERMAN: Whoa, that is one big sonofabitch!

 

PRIEST: Uh, please my friend, can you mind your language?

 

FISHERMAN: (Thinking quickly) I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!

 

PRIEST: Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know that.

 

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop.

 

PRIEST: Your Grace, look at this great big sonofabitch I caught!

 

BISHOP: Please, Father, mind your language. This is a house of God.

 

PRIEST: No, you don't understand! That's what this fish is called and I caught it. I caught this great big sonofabitch!

 

BISHOP: Really? You know, I could clean this big sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.

 

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and takes it to the Mother Superior at the convent.

 

BISHOP: Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Oh Your Grace, what language!"

 

BISHOP: No, Mother, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Is that so? Yes, OK, I'll cook the sonofabitch tonight.

 

Well, the Pope just happens to stop by that night and naturally they invite him to dinner.

 

They all say the fish was great and the Pope asks them where they got it.

 

PRIEST: I caught the sonofabitch!

 

BISHOP: I cleaned the sonofabitch!

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: And I cooked the sonofabitch!

 

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a long steely gaze, then takes off his mitre, leans back and puts his feet up on the table.

 

POPE: You know, you motherfuckers are AOK!

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A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

 

She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

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Old one, but good:

 

A man and his wife have raised three girls, all of them becoming stunningly beautiful and intelligent women. But after the girls have moved out and started their own lives, they couple realizes they miss having children around, so they decide to have another child. Before long, the wife becomes pregnant, and after nine months, has a baby.

 

As the husband sees his newborn son for the first time, he is shocked to discover that his son is quite possibly the ugliest baby he has ever seen, especially after his three gorgeous daughters. In the recovery ward, he presents his concerns to his wife:

 

"Dear, I love you very much, but there's something bothering me: You see, our three daughters are the most beautiful girls on the planet, but our son is completely hideous! I must ask, have you been cheating on me?"

 

The wife smiles and says: "Not this time, dear."

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God, or someother supernatural being, visits Adam in Eve back in the day and says that he will bestow upon them two unique traits. First, one of you will be able to pee standing up. At this point, Adam jumps up and yells out "Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh, I want that." God then replies, "Fine, Eve, you get multiple orgasms."

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God, or someother supernatural being, visits Adam in Eve back in the day and says that he will bestow upon them two unique traits. First, one of you will be able to pee standing up. At this point, Adam jumps up and yells out "Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh, I want that." God then replies, "Fine, Eve, you get multiple orgasms."

 

I still think we got the better deal.....

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COLOURFUL AUSSIE LANGUAGE

 

I'M SO HUNGRY:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"I could eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

 

I'M THIRSTY:

"I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm as dry as a nun’s nasty."

"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommy’s bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

 

I NEED A PEE:

"Gotta drain the dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes (hiss)."

"Gotta have a slash."

"Gonna water the horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I need a piss so bad I can taste it."

"Gonna shake hands with the wife's best friend."

 

I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT:

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It will be like giving birth to Kim Beasley."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

 

VOMITING:

"Calling for George (Ruth) (Herb)."

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Tossed a tiger on the carpet."

 

INSULTS etc.:

"I hope both your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."

"You haven’t enough brains to give yourself a headache!"

"You’re about as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"You’re a few wanks short of an orgasm."

"She had more pricks than a pub dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"You’ve got a few ‘roos loose in the top paddock."

"You’re so stupid you wouldn't know a tramcar was up you 'til the bell rang!"

"You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"You’re as ugly as a hatful of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."

"You’ve got a face like a bashed in shit can."

"You couldn't tell your arse from a hole in the ground."

"You couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"You couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"You’re about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"You’re a stubby short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"Seen better legs on a milk stand."

"You're as handy as shit on a stick."

"You’re tighter than a fish's arse …. and that’s watertight!"

"You’re so tight you wouldn't shout if a shark bit you."

"You’ve got a face like a smashed crab."

"You’re as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"You could talk a dog off a meat wagon."

"You’re fucked in the head."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"You couldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she’s as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"She's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."

"She's at least two axe handles wide across the arse."

"She has an arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"She’s as ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"You think your shit doesn't stink, but your farts give you away."

"I just wish your father had settled for a blow job."

"You fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"If I had a head like yours, I'd circumcise it."

"You wouldn't know if someone was up you with an armful of deck chairs until they coughed."

"You’re as thick as two short planks!"

 

COMPLIMENTS:

"Ya blood’s worth bottling!"

"You're True Blue."

"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

"She's so beautiful I'd eat a yard of her shit and go crook if it was an inch short!"

 

YES:

"Does a fat dog fart?"

"Even Blind Freddy could see that."

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Does a koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a cockatoo?"

"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"

"Bloody oath!"

"No wucking furries."

 

NO:

"Pig's bloody arse!!"

 

ASSORTED:

"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)

"I'll have a super." (I'll have a full-strength beer)

"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)

"Going off like a frog in a sock." (Try to picture this one)

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And....

GETTING OUT OF HERE

 

Off like a bride's nightie

Off like a bucket of prawns in a heatwave

Off like a Jewish foreskin

Off like a piece of rotten cheese

Off like a robber's dog

I've been seen leaving

Off like Grandma's pants on Father's Day

 

etc....

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I still think we got the better deal.....

 

Believe it!!!!

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And....

GETTING OUT OF HERE

 

Off like a bride's nightie

Off like a bucket of prawns in a heatwave

Off like a Jewish foreskin

Off like a piece of rotten cheese

Off like a robber's dog

I've been seen leaving

Off like Grandma's pants on Father's Day

 

etc....

Off like a virgin's dress on prom night.

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Except Aussies don't have prom. And Franklins tower - never heard that one, is it supposed to be Jemima off Playschool?

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Off like a leper's hand.....

That boy's as ugly as a buzzard on a gut truck

Dumb as a bag of hammers

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Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar,

drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of

going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to

the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

 

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

 

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of

Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,

English, History, and Logic.

 

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

 

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

 

'Yeah.'

 

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that

you would have a yard.'

 

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

 

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think

logically that you would have a house.'

 

'Yes, I do have a house.'

 

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logicall y have a

family.'

 

'Yes, I have a family.'

 

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you

must be a heterosexual.'

 

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all

of that because I have a weed eater.'

 

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves

to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he

is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

 

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

 

'No.'

 

'Then you're a queer.'

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

twenty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One to change the lightbulb, and nineteen to SUCK MY COCK!

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What's the difference between jam and jelly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

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A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

 

 

 

When the man told her it would cost $300.00 she exclaimed: "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

 

 

 

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

 

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

 

With that, the man said: "Follow me."

 

 

 

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did.

 

He then said: "Get on your knees." She did.

 

 

 

Then he said: "Take down my zipper." She did.

 

He said: "Go ahead...take it out”.

 

 

 

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

 

The man closed his eyes and whispered: "Well... go ahead!"

 

 

 

The blond slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly: "HELLO .... MOM???"

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A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

 

 

 

When the man told her it would cost $300.00 she exclaimed: "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

 

 

 

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

 

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

 

With that, the man said: "Follow me."

 

 

 

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did.

 

He then said: "Get on your knees." She did.

 

 

 

Then he said: "Take down my zipper." She did.

 

He said: "Go ahead...take it out".

 

 

 

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

 

The man closed his eyes and whispered: "Well... go ahead!"

 

 

 

The blond slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly: "HELLO .... MOM???"

 

YOU FUCKER! You owe me a keyboard! :lol:

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Except Aussies don't have prom. And Franklins tower - never heard that one, is it supposed to be Jemima off Playschool?

 

 

Jemima of syrup

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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....'Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!'

 

Pa replies, 'There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse.'

 

Ma yells back, 'Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.'

 

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, 'Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! '

 

Ma replies, 'Stick yur head in the hole!'

 

Pa yells back, 'I ain't stickin my head in that hole!'

 

Ma says, 'Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.'

 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, 'Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!'

 

Ma hollers back, 'Now take your head out of the hole!'

 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, 'Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!'

 

To which Ma replies, 'Hurt's, don't it ?!'

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A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders,

accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field

trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race

track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom,

it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher

and the boys would go with the other.

 

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside

the men's room when one of the boys came out and

told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys

with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up,

one by one, holding onto their privates to direct

the flow away from their clothes.

 

 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that

he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show

that she was staring, the teacher said,

 

'You must be in the fourth grade.'

 

He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow

in the 7th race today.'

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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone

who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded

the following letter.

 

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the

school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady

received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was

writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all

human-kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift

today.

 

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent

senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the

Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed

away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that

someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness

to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always

had her own radio, but before I received one, she would

never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The

other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into

a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She

asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my

ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Edna

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Off like a virgin's dress on prom night.

 

Don't forget

 

"Let's make like a fetus, and head out"

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One day there is this guy sitting on a plane, just minding his own business. There is a free seat next to him which he thinks nothing of. A short while later, this absolutely amazingly hot chick gets on the plane. He cant help but notice her. She walks to the row this gut is in, has a look at the numbers and eventually, floats down into the seat next to him. Now he is all in a state as this amazing chick is next to him. Eventually, he plucks up the courage to ask her "Sorry miss, but I just have to ask, are you travelling for business or pleasure?" "Well" she replies "a bit of both actually. I am going to the international nympho-mainiacs conference in Amsterdam!" WOW!" says this guy. The woman goes on "I need to go there to set some records straight. There is a common misconception that the guys with the longest length on average are the North American black males, but infact, it is actually the North American native Red Indians." Oh, says he. "And every one thinks that the males with the biggest girth are the Germans, but it is actually the South African Indian males" she carries on. Again, the man is a bit baffled by her talking. "And every one thinks that the men with the most staying power are the Hungarians, but, it is actually the South African Afrikaaners" She stops. The man is clearly bewildered by what he has just heard. She then says "sorry, I dont know why I am telling you, I dont even know you, my name is Kath, whats yours?" Quick as a flash the man replies " Running Bear, Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Koos"

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1. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

4. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

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A man and his wife go kayaking in Alaska. The wife's kayak flips and she disappears beneath the waves. The next day two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers appear at the man's house in Anchorage.

 

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," one trooper said. "Tell me! Did you find her", Wilkens shouted. The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some Bad News, some Good News, and some really GREAT News. Which do you want to hear first?

 

Fearing the worst, an ashen-faced Wilkens said: "Give me the Bad News first." The Trooper said: "I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this Morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good >News?"

 

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs, 10 snow crabs, and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her body."

 

Stunned, Wilkens demanded: "If that's the Good News, what's the Great News?" The Trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again Tomorrow."

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A jew goes into a whorehouse and asks the girl for the price

-How much?

-$ 50,00

-Do you do sado-maso?

- Yeah. Do you like to spank or get spanked?

-I like to be the one doing the spanking.

-(worried) Do you beat hard?

-Only until you give me my money back.

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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

 

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

 

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

 

 

 

 

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

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Why Sentence structure is so important...

 

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to

one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible

decision because they were both super workers. Rather than

flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used

the water cooler the next morning.

 

 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover

after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an

aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra,

I've never done this before but I have to lay you or

Jack off.'

 

'Could you jack off ?' she said. 'I feel

like shit.'

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STAY!!!

 

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

 

Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled

 

down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.

 

She was stretched full-out on the back seat

 

and I wanted to impress upon her that she must

 

remain there. I walked to the curb backward,

 

pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

 

'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

 

'Stay! Stay!'

 

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Why don't you just put it in park?'

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My internist referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

 

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back

 

entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the devil incarnate.

 

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the man and said,

 

 

"Do you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

 

"Yep," was the calm reply.

 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

 

"Nope," said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

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A Midget Cowboy in Montana went to the

doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time.

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and

drop his pants.The doc put one finger under the

midget's left testicle and told himto turn his head and

cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.

'Hmmm..', mumbled the doc as he put his finger under

the right testicle. He asked the midget to cough again.

'Hmmm, I see the problem,' said the doctor and

reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip,

snip, snip, snip. Snip on the right side.Then snip, snip,

snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget

was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement

that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the

midget to hop down off the table, pull hispants up, and then

walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The

midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the

doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer

aching. The midget said, 'That's perfect Doc, and I

didn't even feel it! Whatdid you do?' The Doctor

replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy

boots!'

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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fuck's off.

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whats the hardest part about roller blading....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Telling your father you're gay

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The half-wit....

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan .

The Saskatchewan Department of Labour

claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and

sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay

them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand

who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $300 a week plus free room and

board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours a

day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and

board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every

Saturday night. He also gets to have sex with the

lady of the house occasionally.'

 

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,'

says the agent.

 

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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You know your too drunk to drive when you start dodging trees then realize its your air freshner hanging from the mirror.

 

Ray

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A child and a pedophile were walking through the woods at night. The child said, "I'm scared" to which the pedophile replied, "Your scared?-I have to walk home alone".

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

 

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading.

 

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

 

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

 

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

 

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.

 

Are you OK?'

 

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

 

The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'

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A child and a pedophile were walking through the woods at night. The child said, "I'm scared" to which the pedophile replied, "Your scared?-I have to walk home alone".

 

I know I'll burn in hell - but that was one of the funniest jokes I've heard in a while!

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A son asked his father "dad, what is the definition of perverted?"

 

Father replies, "shut up son and keep sucking"

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A son asked his father "dad, what is the definition of perverted?"

 

Father replies, "shut up son and keep sucking"

 

That might be the winner right there!

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Now for the most demented joke of all time.....drum roll please............

 

 

 

 

 

Why is it dangerous to have sex with your little sister?

 

Answer: Because the crib could collapse.

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what's the best thing about sex with an 8 year old girl?

 

rolling her over and pretending its an 8 year old boy.

 

I thought I had the worst but I think I was just topped!!

 

 

:lol::lol:

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OK so not exactly in keeping with the recent tone but don't take that as a reason for any of you to stop.

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out ofthedealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying thewind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95,pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, bluelights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulledover to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at hiswatch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If youcan give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll letyougo.' The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off witha Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

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Now for the most demented joke of all time.....drum roll please............

 

 

 

 

 

Why is it dangerous to have sex with your little sister?

 

Answer: Because the crib could collapse.

 

That's a tough one to top. The worst one I've heard was in the middle of a race while sitting on the rail....

 

 

What's the worst thing about having sex with a 4 year old......? Getting blood on your clown suit.

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What's the worst thing about having sex with a 4 year old......? Getting blood on your clown suit.

 

Yeah, but what's the best thing? How big your cock looks in her little hands.

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Our running joke on the Mac this year:

 

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

 

You can't jelly your dick down some girl's throat!

 

 

Hroth

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Our running joke on the Mac this year:

 

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

 

You can't jelly your dick down some girl's throat!

 

 

Hroth

 

 

You can't??? :huh:

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An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

 

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

 

"I know these things," replied the Indian.

 

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."

 

"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

 

"I know these things."

 

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."

 

"How'd you know that!?"

 

"Ear wet."

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Why is Bunker Hill slippery?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The British are Coming

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Tube of Vaseline..........$3.00

Pack of Condums.........$12.00

2 Gay Porn magazines..$21.00

 

 

 

 

Fooling your parents into thinking your brother is gay........Priceless

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What’s the difference between the army and the boy scouts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boy scouts have adult supervision!!

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Tube of Vaseline..........$3.00

Pack of Condums.........$12.00

2 Gay Porn magazines..$21.00

 

 

 

 

Fooling your parents into thinking your brother is gay........Priceless

 

shit, you can do that for free on SA....

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David the hen

 

 

David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

 

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

 

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

 

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back s a dog or a hen.'

 

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

 

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

 

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

 

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

 

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

 

'Never', replies David.

 

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced! motherhood for the first time.

 

When he laid his second eg , the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

 

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

 

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

 

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

 

 

 

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

 

 

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they buried Debbie.

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Halloween is Coming

>

>

> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the

> cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver

> won't stop staring at her.

>

>

> She asks him why he is staring. He replies:

> "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to

> offend you."

>

>

> She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.

> When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as

> long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

> just about everything. I'm sure that there's

> nothing you could say or ask that I would find

> offensive."

>

>

> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun

> kiss me."

>

>

> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do

> about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you

> must be Catholic."

>

>

> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,

> I'm single and Catholic!"

>

>

> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next

> alley."

>

>

> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that

> would make a hooker blush.

>

>

> But when they get back on the road, the cab

> driver starts crying.

>

>

> "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you

> crying?"

>

>

> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I

> must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

>

>

> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin

> and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Tube of Vaseline..........$3.00

Pack of Condums.........$12.00

2 Gay Porn magazines..$21.00

 

 

 

 

Fooling your parents into thinking your brother is gay........Priceless

 

In gaytor's case - I don't think his parents were fooled.

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

 

~~~

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

 

~~~

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....

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A man is talking a walk with his mother-in-law, and they find a lamp. They both rub it and the genie pops out, and tells them he can only grant one wish. An argument breaks out over who should get the one wish. With no end of the argument in sight, the genie offers a solution to diffuse the situation: He says who ever gets the wish, the other will get double what the first gets. The mother-in-law, seeing the opportunity to make a pretty good gain, insists her son-in-law should get his wish.

 

He thinks for a minute and says: "I want you to give me a million dollars and beat me until I'm half dead."

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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

 

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

 

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

 

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

 

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

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Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

 

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

 

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

 

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

 

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

 

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

 

Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

 

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

 

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

 

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

 

The teacher fainted.

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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHOIR BOYS AND QUEERS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NONE REALLY. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ONLY IN THE WAY THEY SAY AMEN

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When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

 

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

 

After a few days...

 

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

 

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

 

Just an Asshole.

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A WOMAN'S POEM

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

 

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

 

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

 

One who loves to listen long,

 

One who thinks before he speaks,

 

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

 

I pray he's gainfully employed,

 

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

 

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

 

Massages my back and begs to do more.

 

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

 

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

 

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

 

And always be my very best friend.

 

 

A MAN'S POEM:

 

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

 

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

 

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

 

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

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If men ruled the world:

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier…A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Garbage would take itself out.

4. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

5. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

6. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Two words "Ally McNaked."

9. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop:"You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

14. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're#1!".

15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

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A solution to all of your drinking troubles

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

 

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

 

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

 

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

 

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

 

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

 

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

 

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Pan

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You know you're Australian if....

 

You know the meaning of 'girt'

 

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or

drunk

 

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister

called Kevin

 

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired

petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

 

You've made a bong out of your garden hose

rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

 

When you hear that an American 'roots for his

team'

you wonder how often and with whom

 

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women

wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

 

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

 

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

 

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is

optional

 

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca

Dacca on the way to Maccas'

 

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation

to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

 

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but

someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

 

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

 

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

 

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

 

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

 

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

 

You know that certain words must, by law, be

shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna

See Your Face Again'

 

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

 

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

 

You wear ugh boots outside the house

 

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

 

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

 

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

 

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

 

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

 

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

 

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

 

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

 

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

 

When returning home from overseas, you expect to

be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to

sneak in fruit

 

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to

a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

 

You understand that all train timetables are

works of fiction

 

When working at a bar, you understand male

customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order

low-alcohol beer

 

You get choked up with emotion by the first

verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the

second

 

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the

facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

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You know you're Australian if....

 

You know the meaning of 'girt'

 

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or

drunk

 

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister

called Kevin

 

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired

petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

 

You've made a bong out of your garden hose

rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

 

When you hear that an American 'roots for his

team'

you wonder how often and with whom

 

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women

wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

 

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

 

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

 

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is

optional

 

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca

Dacca on the way to Maccas'

 

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation

to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

 

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but

someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

 

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

 

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

 

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

 

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

 

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

 

You know that certain words must, by law, be

shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna

See Your Face Again'

 

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

 

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

 

You wear ugh boots outside the house

 

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

 

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

 

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

 

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

 

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

 

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

 

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

 

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

 

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

 

When returning home from overseas, you expect to

be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to

sneak in fruit

 

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to

a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

 

You understand that all train timetables are

works of fiction

 

When working at a bar, you understand male

customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order

low-alcohol beer

 

You get choked up with emotion by the first

verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the

second

 

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the

facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

 

nice!...onya

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this might help some of you

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

 

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

 

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

 

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

 

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

 

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

 

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

 

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

 

"The coffee machine is broken..."

 

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

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How They Have Sex

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

 

ACTORS do it on cue.

 

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

 

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

 

ANSI does it in the standard way

 

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

 

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

 

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

 

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

 

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

 

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

 

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

 

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

 

BAILIFFS always come to order.

 

BAKERS knead it daily.

 

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

 

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

 

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

 

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

 

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

 

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

 

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

 

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

 

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

 

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

 

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

 

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

 

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

 

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

 

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

 

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

 

BUTCHERS have better meat.

 

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

 

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

 

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

 

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

 

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

 

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

 

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

 

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

 

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

 

COACHES whistle while they work.

 

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

 

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

 

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

 

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

 

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

 

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

 

COPS have bigger guns.

 

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

 

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

 

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

 

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

 

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

 

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

 

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

 

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

 

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

 

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

 

DIETICIANS eat better.

 

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

 

DIVERS do it deeper.

 

DOCTORS do it with patience.

 

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

 

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

 

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

 

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

 

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

 

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

 

FARMERS spread it around.

 

FIREMEN are always in heat.

 

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

 

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

 

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

 

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

 

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

 

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

 

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

 

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

 

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

 

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

 

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

 

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

 

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

 

HANDYMEN like good screws.

 

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

 

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

 

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

 

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

 

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

 

INVENTORS find a way.

 

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

 

JEWELERS mount real gems.

 

JOGGERS do it on the run.

 

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

 

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

 

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

 

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

 

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

 

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

 

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

 

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

 

MANAGERS supervise others.

 

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

 

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

 

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

 

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

 

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

 

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

 

MODELS do it in any position.

 

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

 

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

 

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

 

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

 

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

 

NURSES call the shots.

 

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

 

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

 

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

 

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

 

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

 

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

 

PILOTS keep it up longer.

 

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

 

POLICEMEN like big busts.

 

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

 

POSTMEN come slower.

 

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

 

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

 

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

 

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

 

RACERS like to come in first.

 

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

 

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

 

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

 

RECYCLERS use it again.

 

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

 

REPORTERS do it daily.

 

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

 

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

 

ROOFERS do it on top.

 

RUNNERS get into more pants.

 

SAILORS like to be blown.

 

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

 

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

 

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

 

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

 

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

 

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

 

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

 

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

 

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

 

STUDENTS use their heads.

 

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

 

TAILORS make it fit.

 

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

 

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

 

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

 

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

 

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

 

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

 

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

 

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

 

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

 

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

 

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

 

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

 

WELDERS have hotter rods.

 

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

 

WRITERS have novel ways.

 

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

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Engineers do it with mass and acceleration

 

 

 

 

(from F=MA, one of the memorized equations you need to graduate, for those who are not of the fraternity)

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"She was only a road-mender's daughter, but she did like her asphalt."

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