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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

 

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

 

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

 

Moral of the story::: Never be Late.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

 

If I could lick my own balls, I would do all of those things and then some!

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A man is playing a round of golf with his buddies. As he is about to make his last putt, he happens to look up and notices a hearse drive by the golf course followed by a long procession of mourners. Immediately, the man hands his putter to his caddy, removes his cap and stands in respectful silence until the funeral procession passes out of sight. Well, his buddies are impressed by this display of respect for the deceased and mention this to him.

 

"Well," the old man says "It seemed proper to show the deceased some respect. After all, we were married for 30 years!"

 

 

---------------------------

 

A man buys a brand new sports car and decides to test it out on the road. He gets on the highway and accelerates to 100mph. Impressed with the performance, he keeps on cruising, windows rolled down, stereo cranked up and just enjoying life. Before long, he is speeding down the highway at 130mph, unaware that a police cruiser has been chasing him for the last few miles. After finally noticing the red and blue in the mirror, he pulls over. The sherriff says:

 

"Listen, pal. I've had a long day. In 15 minutes my shift is over and I don't really want to deal with the paperwork for this ticket. Now I've been a sherriff for over twenty years. If you can give me a reason for going that fast that I haven't heard before, I'll let you off without a ticket."

 

So the man thinks for a second and says "Well, officer, my wife left me last week. The relationship ended on a very bad note, and I was really very glad to be rid of her. I haven't heard from her since she left, and here I thought you'd found her and were trying to bring her back to me."

 

"Have a nice evening," said the sherriff.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

 

If I could lick my own balls, I would do all of those things and then some!

 

the only reason a dog licks his balls is cause he can't make a fist.

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an email from a travel agent: Dear Madam, in reference to your proposed flight to London, the flight you requested is completely full, but we will keep in contact and inform you immediately somebody falls out, as is often the case.

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Anger Management

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out

on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my

desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number

and dialled it.

 

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May

I please speak with Robin Carter?"

 

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude.

 

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had

transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with

her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!"

and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put

it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had

a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always

cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'

calling would have to stop.

 

So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the

Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the

Caller ID program?"

 

He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

 

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an

*******!"

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

spot.

 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for

the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car

window, so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had

his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too.

 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

"Yes, it is."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the

car's parked right out in front."

 

"What's your name?"

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home every evening after five."

 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don, you're an *******."

 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when

I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of

calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an

idea. I called ******* #1.

 

"Hello."

 

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

 

"Are you still there?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," I said.

 

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

 

"Make me," I screamed back.

 

"Who are you?" he demanded.

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

 

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street , *******! It's a yellow house, with

my black beemer parked in front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better

start saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

 

Then I called ******* #2.

 

"Hello?" he said.

 

"Hello, *******," I said...again, without hanging up.

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

 

"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.

 

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

 

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming Over right

now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay

lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going

down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th

street.

 

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front

of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

 

NOW, I feel better.

 

Anger management really works!

 

!

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And now for a lighter side ;)

 

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

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Ok, apart from numbers 8, 15, 33, 34 and the second half of 39. I'd delete those and add to the list, "Break free from the shackles of superstitious nonsense and take joy from living the life you have."

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An old Cheech and Chong joke...

 

 

So this American tourist is in Mexico and he realizes his watch has stopped. He sees a Mexican guy taking a siesta with his donkey standing next to him. He's sitting on the ground with his back against a wall and his sombrero pulled down over his eyes. "Excuse me Senior, could you tell me what time it is?"

 

The Mexican guy raises his head and without getting up he reaches between the legs of his donkey and lifts the donkeys balls up. He holds them in the palm of his hand for a few seconds, then he lowers the donkey's balls and says, "It's three o'clock senior."

 

The American is amazed, "How can you tell what time it is just by holding that donkey's balls?"

 

The Mexican guy raises the donkeys balls again and then points with his other hand, "You see that clock over there senior?"

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A man is walking a tightrope between the 85 floors of two adjacent skyscrapers.

 

Meanwhile, on the 40th floor another guy is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman with no teeth.

 

What have they got in common?

.

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.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They're both thinking "DON'T LOOK DOWN!"

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A Kiwi walks into the bedroom where his wife is laying in bed, carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

 

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

 

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 82-year-old man complained to the doctor about being tired. "How active are you?" He replied, "Well, Doc, Wednesday I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went to her place, and nailed her three times. Thursday, I picked up a 19-year-old waitress at a diner, took her to Lover's Rock, and made love four times. Friday, I went out with my granddaughter' s 18-year-old college friend and we ended up in the back seat of my car. Saturday, 21-year-old twins lured me into a motel..." The doctor interrupted, "That's astonishing! I hope you took proper precautions. " The geezer replied, "Sure I did! I gave 'em all a phony name!"

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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

 

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

 

"Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.

 

Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

 

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

 

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

 

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Seamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "And how are you feeling?"

 

"Now, what the **** would you have said?"

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One pussy lip ask the other "Why is it we dont spend as much time together anymore"

 

The other one replies: "Yeah it seems there is always some dick trying to cum between us"

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i may have posted this here before, but just came across it again and it deserves another go...

 

cheers

 

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... These are all

numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about

you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that

way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not

work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In Fact,

all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to

act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea

what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine,

really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

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TEN PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS

'1'

Blaming your farts on me....

not funny... not funny at all !!!

----------------------------------------------

'2'

Yelling at me for barking.

I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

--------------------------------------------------

'3'

Taking me for a walk, then

not letting me check stuff out.

Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

--------------------------------------------------

'4'

Any trick that involves balancing

food on my nose. Stop it!

--------------------------------------------------

'5'

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.

Now you know why we chew your stuff

up when you're not home.

--------------------------------------------------

'6'

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.

You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what

a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

--------------------------------------------------

'7'

Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting

surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

--------------------------------------------------

'8'

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.

Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

--------------------------------------------------

'9'

Dog sweaters. Hello ???

Haven't you noticed the fur?

--------------------------------------------------

'10'

How you act disgusted when I lick myself.

Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

--------------------------------------------------

Now lay off me on some of these things.

We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop, do you?

 

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10'

How you act disgusted when I lick myself.

Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

 

the only reason dog's use their tongue is cause they cant make a fist.

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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they

understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and

Gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

 

'NO!' the children answered.

 

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

 

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,

And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

 

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

 

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN' DEAD..........'

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The Italian Tomato Garden:

 

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

 

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

 

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

 

 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

 

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

 

:)

cheers,

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This is funny on so many levels here.

 

 

 

 

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

 

Grumpy leads the pack.

 

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

 

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

 

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..'

 

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

 

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

 

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

 

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

 

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

 

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

 

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

 

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

 

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

 

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie .

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want . '

So he tied her up and went golfing .

 

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house .

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags . I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said . 'Just get out . '

 

 

 

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband .

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license .

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test .

The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z . '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked .

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy . '

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something . We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent . '

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back . 'I'm so tired of chardonay . '

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband .

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen .

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once . TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter . Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them . You know you always forget to salt them . Use the! salt . USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him .

'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving . '

********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army .

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb .

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair .

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush .

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth .

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap .

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years .

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About Larry, the accountant.....

 

> Ok, you are asking

> who in the hell is 'Larry'?!

> Larry gets home late one night and, Jackie, his wife says, 'Where in the

> hell have you been?'

> Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

> 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

> 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly..

> 'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in

> disgust.

> 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on

> his privates?'

> "Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.

> Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

> Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

> And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here

> at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"

> Larry is currently recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

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Boudreaux was the part-time lay reader of the local Cajun Catholic Church and Thibodaux was the lay reader of the other Catholic Church across the road.

 

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read: 'Dem End is Near! Turn Yo'sef Roun' Now Before It Been Too Late, Yeah!'

 

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash.

 

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Mais, you t'ink maybe dem sign should jus'say.....'Bridge Out?'

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At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

 

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"

 

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

 

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

 

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

 

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

 

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

 

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

 

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

 

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

 

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

 

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

 

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

 

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

 

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

 

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!"

 

"Yes, Senor Rod."

 

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

 

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

 

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

 

"Your wife's, Senor Rod", she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club."

 

SILENCE . . . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . . .

 

 

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"

 

 

 

helps to have your priorities right... :lol:

 

cheers,

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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach..

 

 

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

 

 

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

 

 

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

 

 

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

 

 

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

 

 

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

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A Catholic guy goes into the confessional. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

 

Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

 

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

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Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

 

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the

raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

 

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an

increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

 

 

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

 

 

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

 

Wife: 'Oh.'

 

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

 

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

 

 

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

 

Wife: 'Oh.'

 

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

 

 

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

 

 

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

 

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

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two Irish poofs

 

 

Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald

An Irish lesbian couple:

 

 

 

Gaelics

 

 

two more shirtlifters..

 

Ben Dover & Phil McCaverty

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Dear Diary:

 

May 30th:

Just moved to Houston, TX... Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from the Reservoir lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

 

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun on the water everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

 

 

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

 

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20th:

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

 

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to stop by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 is the house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 

August 4th:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman urinated in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

 

August 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle him. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

 

August 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my rear was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried rear, and baked cat.

 

August 10th:

The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week!! Doesn't it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

 

August 15th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

 

 

 

 

If I had to guess, I would say this has to be a person from one of our lovely Northern states. A true Southerner would be sitting on the porch or veranda sipping on a tall, cool beverage under a ceiling fan. Just guessing..?? :)

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two Irish poofs

 

 

Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald

An Irish lesbian couple:

 

 

 

Gaelics

 

 

two more shirtlifters..

 

Ben Dover

You mean Dr. Ben Dover... he's my GP.

Phil McCaverty

He's the gastroenterologist who did my last colonoscopy.

 

Dr. Dick Hertz is a urologist. Specializes in sexually transmitted diseases. Fortunately I haven't needed him.

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two Irish poofs

 

 

Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald

An Irish lesbian couple:

 

 

 

Gaelics

 

 

two more shirtlifters..

 

Ben Dover

You mean Dr. Ben Dover... he's my GP.

Phil McCaverty

He's the gastroenterologist who did my last colonoscopy.

 

Dr. Dick Hertz is a urologist. Specializes in sexually transmitted diseases. Fortunately I haven't needed him.

 

I once dated the head nurse (and yes, she often had dirty knees)for a proctologist in Brisbane who was named Dr Phil McCracken :lol:

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Thibodeaux came back from a 28 day hitch offshore. He had made him a big check. So Thibodeaux decided to go to Gulotta's in New Iberia and buy himself a brand new pair of patent leather boots.

 

After buying the boots, Thibodeaux decided to go dancing at La Poussierre in Breaux Bridge to break in his new boots. At the dance Thibodeaux asked Marie if she want to waltz. She said, "Mais yea, Thibodeaux."

 

In the middle of dancing, Thibodeaux asked Marie, "You got some blue panties on?" Marie replied, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the reflection in my brand new patent leather boots."

 

Thibodeaux then asked Claudette if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "You got some red panties on?" Claudette said, "Yea, how you know dat?" Thibodeaux said, "Because I could see the relection in my brand new pair of patent leather boots."

 

Thibodeaux then asked Clotile if she wanted to dance. She agreed. In the middle of dancing Thibodeaux asked, "Clotile, you not wearing any panties, huh?" Clotile said, "Mais non, Thibodeaux." Thibodeaux caught his breath and said in relief, "Thank God, I thought I had a crack in my brand new pair of patent leather boots."

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Painting the Porch

 

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.."

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

 

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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--- HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

 

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

 

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique

pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on

this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family

for six generations"

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed

the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's

fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

 

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

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two Irish poofs

 

 

Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald

 

So what is Gerald Fitzgerald?

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A fly, resting on a leaf near a lake one hot summer day, thought, "If I go down just three inches, I could feel the mist from the water and be refreshed."

 

A fish below him thought, "If that fly goes down just three inches, I could eat him."

 

A bear on the shore thought, "If that fish jumps for that fly, I could eat him."

 

A hunter, preparing to eat a cheese sandwich, thought, "If that bear exposes himself just a little more, I could shoot him."

 

A mouse by the hunter's foot thought, "If that hunter shoots that bear, he'll drop his cheese sandwich."

 

A cat lurking in the bushes thought, "If that mouse grabs that cheese sandwich, then I can grab him."

 

The fly was so warm that he headed down for the cooling mist, the fish swallowed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse grabbed the cheese sandwich, and the cat jumped for the mouse. The mouse ducked and the cat fell into the water and drowned.

The moral of the story?

 

Anytime a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in danger!

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Anytime a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in danger!

 

Out behind the barn, there was a pitchfork stuck in to a fresh pile of manure. Sitting on the handle of the pitchfork were three flies. They couldn't believe their good fortune as they alternately basked in the warm sun on the handle and made trips down to gorge on the feast that the farmer had placed before them. They ate and ate and ate, and relaxed, and laughed and told jokes.

 

Pretty soon they got to boasting about their aerial prowess. The first fly took off, did a triple loop and came to a graceful stop on the tip of the handle.

 

"That's nothing" said the second fly, who took off, circled the handle right side up, upside down, flew between the tines of the pitchfork, came to an abrupt stop one inch above the handle, hovered for a moment, and alighted.

 

"Pffft. Amateurs!" snorted the third fly, who was the biggest of all and who had been stuffing himself at the manure pile for the longest. Lumbering to the end of the handle, he took off. But the load of manure in his gut was just too much for him: He tried to gain altitude but just couldn't. He turned back toward the handle, buzzing his wings like mad, but to no avail: he slowly descended until he crashed into a spider web, whose occupant promptly stung him and ate him.

 

Moral?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you're full of shit, don't fly off the handle.

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It is late November and the little song bird is finally heading south for the winter. A late start, but there was stuff that needed to be done and he just kept getting delayed.

 

Tired and cold, his wings finally gave out over central Pennsylvania and he fell to the ground in a pasture, shivering and almost frozen. One of the cows wandered along and dropped a nice warm cow patty over the little bird. As he warmed up, he felt better and started to sing. This attracted the attention of one of the barn cats, who promptly found the bird, killed and ate him.

 

Morals:

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

Not everyone who pulls you out of the shit is your friend

If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

 

 

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

 

 

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

 

 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

 

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

 

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

 

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

 

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

 

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

 

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?'

 

'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thuffocate!'

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# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 

# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

 

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy : "Eventually."

 

# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

 

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

 

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....

 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.*

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop,and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and was in the ICU.

 

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

 

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

 

Anyhow she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

 

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'

 

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

 

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

 

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"

 

"I didn't have to," Steve replied.

Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

 

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

 

So, Here I am!"

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN via telephone. The only question asked was:-

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

 

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what" honest" meant.

 

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

 

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

 

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

 

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

 

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

 

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

And ...........................

 

In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

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Bobby turned up school. the teacher asked him why he didn't come in the day before.

'My grandpa was burnt.'

'Gosh, I hope he didn't burn himself too badly.'

'Hey, those guys at the crematorium don't fuck around .'

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Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the

mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In

sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working

for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

 

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an

examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to

Barack, and told him to drink it all.

 

 

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull shit!'

 

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low."

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World's shortest fairy tale...

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went sailing, fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End

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A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

:lol: x 10

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IRISH LOVE STORY

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite scones.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

 

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon....

 

 

 

 

 

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

 

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

 

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

 

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

 

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

 

The cop asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'

 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..'

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A man is at home waiting for his wife to return from a visit to the doctor.

The phone rings and it’s the doctor. 'We have your wife's test results back but there is a problem. They were mixed up with another persons results and we are not sure if she has Dementia or Aids'.

'What should I do?' asks the man.

The doctor replies 'Well if she finds her way home, don't fuck her!'

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how do you get a clown off a swing-set?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hit him in the face with an axe!

 

 

 

kids say the darndest things.................... :blink:

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If the answers cock robin;whats the question?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHATS THIS UP MY BUM BATMAN ?

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LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1)

 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Harry..

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot..'

 

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

 

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

 

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

 

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)

 

 

Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

 

'Why'? asks the father.

 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

 

'But that's right' says his father.

 

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

 

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

 

'That's what I said' replied Harry.

 

 

LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

 

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

 

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR

 

Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'

 

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'

 

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

 

She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

 

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.

 

LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER

 

Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

 

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,

'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

 

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

 

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

 

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.

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Rugby Is A Thinking Man’s Game

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein."(Jono Gibbs Chiefs)

 

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Rodney

So'ialo   Hurricanes) on University

 

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in

groups of three, then line up in a circle."   (Colin Cooper Hurricanes

head coach)

 

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during

his visit to Egypt : "I can't really remember the names of the clubs

that we went to."

 

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of

what time it is."  Colin Cooper on Paul Tito.

 

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically

the same, just darker."

 

David Nucifora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him,

'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,

'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

 

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I

want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes

first."

 

"Andy Ellis  the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

 

"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)

 

"He scored that try after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of

play." (Murray Mexted)

 

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then

they scored." (Phil Waugh Waratahs)

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

(Jerry Collins)

 

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which

was identical." (Tony Brown)

 

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)

 

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby  but none of them

serious." (Doc Mayhew)

 

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same

thing again." (Anton Oliver)

 

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super

14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

 

Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"

Tana Umaga: "On what?"

 

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted)

 

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air

for even longer." (Murray Mexted)

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In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

 

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

 

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

 

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

 

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. he approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and franky, you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you anipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

 

She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradleysince he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.

 

The defense Attorney nearly died.

The Judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said:

 

"If any of you idiots aks if she knows me I'll send both of you to the electric chair."

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A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an  

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.  

 

It was addressed, 'Mum'

 

With the worst premonition, she opened the  

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

 

"Dear Mum.  

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to  

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene  

with Dad and you.  

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I  

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's , tattoos,  

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.  

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.  

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the  

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  

We share a dream of having many more children.  

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,  

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!  

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.  

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your  

many grandchildren.  

 

Love,

your son,

Nicholas.

 

 

 

" P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  

the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!  

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home

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It's 1969 and the world has stopped to watch the 1st man step foot on the moon. At mission control they are glued to their screens as Neil Armstrong climbs down the ladder. He says " One small step for man, One huge leap for man kind, and this one's for you Mr Brown!" At mission control, the director yells " What the fuck, thats not what we told him to say, cut that last bit out!" which they did and an amazed world never heard the bit about Mr Brown.

 

Apon their return to earth, they were taken to a room for the De-breif and the director says to Neil " We told you to say 'One small step for man, One huge leap for man kind.' What was that crap 'this one's for you, Mr Brown' all about?"

 

"Well" explained Neil " When I was a small boy we lived next door to a couple called the Browns. I was playing outside their bedroom window one day, and I heard Mrs Brown say ' I will suck that the day that Armstrong kid next door walks on the Moon!"

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Missed Putt

 

An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.

" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

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Mac was an avid golfer his entire life.

As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.

The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.

The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.

Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle!

Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.

On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.

He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"

To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."

Mac asked, "Where did it go? "

Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

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this could almost go in to political anarchy, but i'm not going in there without an armed guard. it may also be more relevant to all us aussies, but i expect the rest will appreciate it as well ;

 

Subject: Letter to the Treasurer

Dear Mr.Swan,

 

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australia's economy.

 

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the

Money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

 

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

 

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the

Following stipulations:

 

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed

 

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car

Industry fixed

 

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing

Crisis fixed

 

4) They MUST send their kids to school/TAFE/university - Crime rate fixed

 

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your

Money back in duty/tax etc

 

It can't get any easier than that!

 

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home (living away from home) allowances.

 

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

The Whole Country

 

 

cheers,

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Not all old men are senile!

 

 

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated 'By cheque.

 

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

 

:lol:

 

cheers,

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Did You Know This About Leather Dresses ?

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's because she smells like a new Ute.

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THE WORLD'S BEST ENGINE

 

 

Many years ago, a notable gynaecologist said,

 

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

 

 

It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 

 

 

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

 

 

 

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

 

 

 

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!"

 

 

 

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

 

 

 

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

 

 

 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

 

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

 

 

 

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

 

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

 

 

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing.

 

"I've got to ask them what their secret is."

 

 

 

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 

 

 

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Great joke derek!

 

 

 

You know why they do not have sex education and driver education on the same day in Mexico?

 

 

Too hard on the donkey.

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An oldie but a goodie

 

WOMAN'S DIARY

 

28 July 2007 Saturday

 

 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely..

 

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

 

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

 

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

 

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.

 

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.

 

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

 

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we

made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

 

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

 

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

MAN'S DIARY:

 

 

 

Saturday 28 July

 

 

australia lost the cricket.

 

Gutted..

 

Got a root though.

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An oldie but a goodie

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

MAN'S DIARY:

 

 

 

Saturday 28 July

 

 

australia lost the cricket.

 

Gutted..

 

Got a root though.

 

you're right. The joke that keeps on giving..!

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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

 

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

 

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"

 

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

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OK, so I've criticised people before for telling the same joke but I'm not going to trawl through 55 pages...

 

Seppos might need an Oz/Yank Dictionary ...

 

It was late afternoon in Mt Isa. An aboriginal fullah was leaning on his front verandah when the garbage truck pulls up.

 

"Hey mate!," calls the garbo from the window of the truck, "Where's ya bin?"

 

The black fullah looks around sheepishly. "Ah, I, um, ah... In Brisbane."

 

"Nah mate," says the garbo, "I mean, where's ya bin?"

 

"I told ya mate, I's bin in Brisbane."

 

"Nah, mate," says the garbo, "Fair suck of the sav, where's ya wheely bin?"

 

"Ah, fuck it," replies the fullah, "I's wheely bin in jail, but jus say I's bin in Brisbane."

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Guy goes to a bar tells the bartender "line me up 7 shots of your best whiskey"

 

"Ahh indeed" replies the bartender "what are we celebrating?"

 

The guy replies "First blow job"

 

Bartender says "Excellent! In that case I will buy you one as well"

 

 

 

The guy says "Nah, if these seven dont get the taste out of my mouth nothing will"

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1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching

down behind a tombstone. I said "morning". He said, "no just taking a shit".

 

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked him

to forgive me.

 

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out

"get this out of me? Give me the drugs". She looked at me and said, "You did

this to me you bastard,"! I casually replied, "If you would care to

remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said "it'll be too

painful."

 

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual

checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she

told me" Because I am trying to examine you."

 

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul

standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up

to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start."

 

6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me

and said "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all

fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all

over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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Last week I checked into a hotel in Nashville and was a bit lonely. I

thought...hmmmm....I think I'll call one of those girls you see

advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone

book and found an ad for a girl calling herself "Erogonique," a lovely

girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the

right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you

get the picture.

 

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

 

"Hello," the woman said. God, she sounded sexy.

 

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I

hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give

me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and

what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it

now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got

in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover

me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how

does that sound?"

 

"That sounds fantastic," she said, "but you need to press 9 for an outside

line."

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Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

 

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

 

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My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

 

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

 

I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

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Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

 

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

 

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

 

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Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

 

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

 

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A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

 

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Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

 

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

 

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

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