JOD

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It's not well known, but thousands of years ago Egyptian royalty often enjoyed cocaine. While they never shared with the servants, late at night the palace cognoscenti would often have...

a toot in common.

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Leroy, a slender African-American, and Charlie, a burly mix of French-Canadian and Irish, are pipefitters. They've been work buddies in New York's high rise projects for years.

 

One morning, Leroy is hanging out in the office waiting to clock in, and Charlie comes in with a big grin.

 

"Hey, Smiley! What' you so happy about?" he asks.

 

"Well, if you must know, my wife and I made love last night."

 

"My wife don't give me none, even on the weekend. How you get her to put out for you on a school night?"

 

"So you're looking for sex advice from ME, my melatonin enriched friend?"

 

"I can owe you one. How you do it?"

 

Charlie lowers his voice to a whisper and says "The secret, my friend, is poetry"

 

"Poetry? What you mean?"

 

"Well, last night for example. I took my wife in my arms and looked her in the eyes and said:

My lovely wife with eyes like a dove

Come with me to bed

And I'll make to you sweet love.

And she melted and the rest is history."

 

Leroy thinks for a second and says "I'm gonna try dat."

 

The next day, Leroy is late. When he finally does step off the construction elevator, he is a mess. One eye is swollen shut, his face is scratched, his lip is split open, and he walks with the of bow-legged limp of a man who's been recently kicked hard in the nuts.

 

Charlie sees him, and runs over with concern. "Hey Bro, what happened to you?"

 

"My wife, she don't like poetry."

 

"Well, what happened?"

 

"Last night, we was watching the game, and the hootchie-kootchie girls come out and start shaking their booty. So after a few minutes I start getting horny, and I remembers what you told me and I slide my arm around her and I says:

Brillo head, Brillo head

Eyes like a frog

Get you' fat ass to bed

So's I can fuck you like a dog

 

And man, she hit me! I ain't tellin' her no more poetry."

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An Aussie bloke walks into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "No!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, and an Indian spin bowler."

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I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

 

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

 

Disabled toilets:

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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What's the difference between Tiger's driver and his Escalade?

 

 

 

 

 

The driver can go 250 yards without hitting a tree.

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:blink: THE WRONG THING TO SAY!

 

The wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the chesterfield.

At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs ... enough times until her husband says,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chesterfield."

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A woman visits her gynecologist for a checkup.

 

"Madam, you have the largest vagina I have ever seen." Says the doctor.

 

Intrigued, she goes home to examine it for herself.

She takes the full-length mirror off the wall and places it on the floor, strips naked, and stands over it.

Just then her husband walks in and finds her naked.

 

"What on earth are you doing?" He asks.

 

"I'm exercising." She says, thinking quickly.

 

"Okay, then, just be careful not to fall through that hole in the floor."

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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

 

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today.”

 

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart

and will answer the question.”

 

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream‘?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b***hes would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

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lady walks into a bar, she has a dog on a leash. a guy drinking at the bar looks at her then looks at the dog and says, "why did you bring that pig in here'? offended, the lady replies, "I'll have you know this is a $2500 French Poodle, and better bred than you I might add". The guy looks away from the dog and back at the lady and says, "I was talking to the dog".

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For the girls...

The Twelve Days of Christmas

 

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me... Feel free to sing this loudly with your girlfriends after too much eggnog, and men please feel free to change the words to suit yourselves.

 

Some time at a day spa away from the family

 

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time at a day spa away from the family

 

On third day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time at a day spa away from the family

 

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time at a day spa away from the family

 

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time at a day spa away from the family

 

One the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Eight maids a-cleaning

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Nine packs of Tim Tams

 

Eight maids a-cleaning

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Ten books for reading

 

Nine packs of Tim Tams

 

Eight maids a-cleaning

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Eleven gifts-with-purchase

 

Ten books for reading

 

Nine packs of Tim Tams

 

Eight maids a-cleaning

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:

 

Twelve bottles of Moet

 

Eleven gifts with purchase

 

Ten books for reading

 

Nine packs of Tim Tams

 

Eight maids a-cleaning

 

Seven nights with Colin

 

Six back massages

 

Five gold rings (with 1.5 carat diamonds)

 

Four gin and tonics

 

Three French men

 

Two DJ's vouchers – (BIG finish here, girls)

 

And some time in a day spa away from the family.

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A woman visits her gynecologist for a checkup.

 

"Madam, you have the largest vagina I have ever seen." Says the doctor.

 

Intrigued, she goes home to examine it for herself.

She takes the full-length mirror off the wall and places it on the floor, strips naked, and stands over it.

Just then her husband walks in and finds her naked.

 

"What on earth are you doing?" He asks.

 

"I'm exercising." She says, thinking quickly.

 

"Okay, then, just be careful not to fall through that hole in the floor."

 

Reminds me of the one where the lady went to her doctor to have hers checked because her husband had said that it was unusually large.

 

The doctor puts her in the stirrups and gets in there to look around. After a bit he says "Your husband was right, that's the largest vagina I've ever seen. That's the largest vagina I've ever seen."

 

She says "You didn't have to say it twice.

 

The doc says "I didn't".

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Bruce, Robbo and his missus were playing poker one evening. Bruce accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Robbo's wife Sheila's map of Tassie as she wasn't wearing any undies under her dress! Shocked by this, Bruce upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Bruce went to the kitchen to get more beer. Robbo's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by the boldness, Bruce courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bruce confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Robbo works Friday arvos and Bruce doesn't, Bruce should be at her house around 2:00p.m. When Friday rolled around, Bruce showed up at Robbo's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sheila the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and had a root and Bruce paid as agreed. Bruce quickly dressed and left. As usual, Robbo came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked Sheila abruptly. "Did Bruce come by the house this afternoon? Sheila answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,"And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500," Robbo, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good on him, I was hoping he did. Bruce came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

 

cheers,

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An old Mafia don is dying & called his grandson to his bedside..........

 

Don- I want you to have my custom made Sig Sauer pistol so you will have something to remember me.

Grandson- But grandpa, you know I don't like guns, I'd rather have your Rolex.

Don- What if you come home & find your wife in bed w/ another man? What are you going to do then.......point to your Rolex & say "time's up"?

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Seven nights with Colin

Sounds like fun. PM me for pricing details. Group discounts available.

 

win.

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Seven nights with Colin

Sounds like fun. PM me for pricing details. Group discounts available.

 

win.

F-ing boat better have a shower and a downwind place to hang the shoes.

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Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

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Sol, run for cover.

Indeed. Multiple offenses in one joke. Bad form indeed...but it made me laugh. So who do you reckon will get more cheesed off over this, Aussies or women? Ok, Aussie women.

 

Don't make me post the Chopper Reid video.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex..

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

 

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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Sol, run for cover.

Indeed. Multiple offenses in one joke. Bad form indeed...but it made me laugh. So who do you reckon will get more cheesed off over this, Aussies or women? Ok, Aussie women.

 

Don't make me post the Chopper Reid video.

:o charming - what'd we do! :lol:

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What's the difference between the Carrbridge Freight Train Crash and Prime Minister Gordon Brown?

 

Engineers were able to put the freight train back on the rails.

 

 

 

(typically the fully privatised british railways doesn't operate because of the "wrong type of leaves, snow, fastening bolts, on the track and faulty overhead signalling. In the above incident, an axle or 2 sheared off.

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Sol, run for cover.

Indeed. Multiple offenses in one joke. Bad form indeed...but it made me laugh. So who do you reckon will get more cheesed off over this, Aussies or women? Ok, Aussie women.

 

Don't make me post the Chopper Reid video.

:o charming - what'd we do! :lol:

Apologies. Just a geographic anomaly...so to speak.

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Todays emails contained...

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Liverpool '

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

 

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

 

 

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

 

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

 

 

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

 

 

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

 

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.

 

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

 

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

 

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

 

Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

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MY LIVING WILL

 

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to

him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle.

 

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

 

He's such a bastard......

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

 

 

 

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

 

 

 

"I couldn't do that," he whispered: "Your husband is my best friend!"

 

 

 

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."

 

 

 

"I can't believe that," Charlie said: "If I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?

 

 

 

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him."

 

 

 

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's ass hairs.

 

 

 

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

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San Francisco Love Story

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

 

"Why do you love doing that?" Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

 

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

 

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

 

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

 

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

 

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

 

Turns out it's about golf. Damn waste of money.

 

Pass this on so others don't get scammed

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One rainy spring night in Glasgow, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

 

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

 

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

 

'"Where to?" he stammered.

 

" Vale Road ," answered the woman.

 

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

 

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"

 

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

 

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

 

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

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Hi,

 

We've harldy hit the Winter yet far less a rainy Spring night in Glasgow. It's total glass-over conditions and it's handy to have a bit of salt to toss about.

 

Yours,

 

Rob McA

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Hi,

 

We've harldy hit the Winter yet far less a rainy Spring night in Glasgow. It's total glass-over conditions and it's handy to have a bit of salt to toss about.

 

Yours,

 

Rob McA

 

 

 

Are you stoned??

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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206... Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Recently, RCMP King's Det in Nova Scotia, ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."

 

One of the civilian email participants posed the following question,

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it."

 

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side), Cst Sandy Horsnell, obviously a cop with a sense of humor, replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy.. In the Annapolis Valley, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.

 

The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day-to-day innocents. And, at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5 000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

 

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

 

PHONE:

People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.

 

Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

 

CARS:

We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes, you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

 

RUNNERS:

Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

 

STATUTES:

When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the statute, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.

 

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

 

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." *It's one of our favorites.*

 

Kinda reminds you of the Ponoka Police Blotter don't it? :)

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE:

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

 

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

 

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

 

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

 

Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

 

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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In Washington , D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

 

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

 

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

 

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

 

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

 

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."

 

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

 

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

 

Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

 

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

 

"Amen", said Obama.

 

"Amen", said Pelosi.

 

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

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A old man lay on his deathbed. The parish priest had come to administer the Last Rites. The priest approached the old man's bed, but as he did, the old man went into a sort of fit. His eyes bugged out and he began choking and convulsing. He tried to speak several times, but could not. Finally, he gestured for something to write with. The priest knew the man was in his death throes, and thought that he wanted to make one last wish. He grabbed a pad of paper and pen from the nearby nightstand and gave it to the old man, who scribbled something frantically, and then promptly died. Out of respect for the man's (most likely) personal request, the priest took the piece of paper, folded it and tucked it into an envelope.

 

At the funeral, the priest approached the pulpit, and said some words about the old man's long and distinguished life of service and devotion to his family and community. He concluded his speech announcing that just before he died, the old man wrote a last request that he would now share with the friends and family gathered. He pulled out the envelope, opened it, and read:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're standing on my breathing tube!"

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

 

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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WOMEN EH?

 

 

 

Boob-jobs

 

Nose-jobs

 

Teeth bleaching

 

Tummy tucks

 

Liposuction

 

Colonic irrigation

 

Botox

 

Pierced ears

 

Pierced nipples

 

 

 

Pierced bellies

 

Pierced clits

 

Eyebrows plucked

 

Child birth

 

Bikini waxing

 

Armpits shaved

 

Legs waxed

 

Lips tattooed

 

Tits tattooed

 

 

 

Arms tattooed

 

Legs tattooed

 

Lengthy diets

 

Strenuous exercise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Then .

 

They won't take it up the ass, becuase it hurts!

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Two blondes were at the perfume counter. One sprayed a sample on her wrist, smelled it, and said, "Do you like this one, Tracy?"

 

Tracy sniffed and said, "Yeah, what's it called,

 

Sharon ?" "Viens a moi."

Tracy asked, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

The clerk answered, "Viens a moi is French for 'come to me.' "

 

Sharon took another sniff. "It doesn't smell like come to me. Tracy , does it smell like come to you?"

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WOMEN EH?

 

Boob-jobs

Nose-jobs

Teeth bleaching

Tummy tucks

Liposuction

Colonic irrigation

Botox

Pierced ears

Pierced nipples

Pierced bellies

Pierced clits

Eyebrows plucked

Child birth

Bikini waxing

Armpits shaved

Legs waxed

Lips tattooed

Tits tattooed

Arms tattooed

Legs tattooed

Lengthy diets

Strenuous exercise

 

And Then .

 

They won't take it up the ass, becuase it hurts!

 

you forgot anal bleaching http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relati.../anal-bleaching

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Kachidza was at a local beerhall when a beautiful woman walked in. The beerhall was full and there was only one one place to sit: next to him! Kachidza, always a friendly guy, decided to strike up a conversation with his pretty new neighbor. But as soon as he said "Hello, Miss..." she turned to him and screamed at the top of her lungs, "WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM, YOU PERVERT!"

 

This caught him very off guard, as all of his friends in the beerhall were glaring at him for trying to molest this newcomer. He slouched down as far as he could on his stool, and looked at what he knew would be his last drink here in a long time.

 

After a few minutes the lady said to him, "I'm sorry if I scared or embarrassed you. I'm a Psychology student and I'm doing a study on what happens to an innocent person when they are falsely accused of something in public. Please don't take it personally. We're friends, right? Shake hands?"

 

Kachidza looked at her, her hand stretched out, her eyes imploring and yelled out, "A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR A NIGHT!!! ARE YOU CRAZY??"

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Art

 

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who like to swim?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob

 

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to waterski?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skip

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stew

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who likes to have sex?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lolli

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What do you call a bullfighter with no arms and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gord.

 

 

 

 

What do you call a couple of guys with no arms and no legs hangin' above your window?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kurt and Rod.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Russel.

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in the parking lot at a bar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ralph.

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................so my twelve yr old comes home from school the other day and say "hey dad, wanna hear a joke?" Im thinking another exhausted version of why the chicken crossed the road.....so I say "sure?" He goes "great!" "there was this husband and wife and they find a magic lamp. the husband rubs it and a genie comes out and says you get three wishes, but what ever you ask for your wife gets double! So the husband asks for a million dollers........which he gets and his wife gets two million. he thinks about and then asks for a mansion....which he gets and his wife gets two mansions. the husband thinks about his last wish and smiles.......he then asks to be beaten half to death..............."

 

 

 

I was a little shocked. I did laugh though......and yes he likes sailing :D

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What do you call a girl with no legs and no arms lying on a BBQ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a BBQ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frank

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a group of musicians with no arms and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stump the band.

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Who's The Guy With No Arms and No Legs Stuck In A Forest Fire?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernie

 

 

Who's The Guy With No Arms and No Legs Under The Car?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack

 

 

 

Who's The Girl With No Arms and No Legs Resting On The Beach?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sandy

 

 

Who's The Girl With One Leg Shorter Than The Other?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eileen

 

 

 

Who's The Guy With No Feet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neil

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What do you call a bullfighter with no arms and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gord.

 

 

 

 

What do you call a couple of guys with no arms and no legs hangin' above your window?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kurt and Rod.

 

 

 

 

This one reminds me of the Scotish gay couple,

 

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

 

 

 

and the other Scotish gay couple,

 

Ben Dover and Phil McCavity

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What do you call a girl with no arms or legs at the edge of your roof?

 

 

Eve

 

 

 

 

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

 

 

Irene

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A guy is visiting his buddy who mans the counter at an adult toy store. Soon after he arrived his buddy asks him to man the counter for a while while he gets some lunch. The visitor is a little unsure about this until he's told that all he needs to know is, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

Reluctantly the visitor accepts the task and the store guy gos to lunch. I few minutes later a woman walks in and asks about the prices and guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25." The woman buys the little white dildo.

 

Another few minutes go by and another woman comes in and asks the prices and new guys says the same thing as before. The woman buys a black dildo.

 

I third woman comes up to the counter and says, "How much for the little white dildo?", The guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

The woman then asks, "Well....how much for that plaid dildo over there?"

 

After some thought the guys says, "Well, ma'am, the plaid one is $100."

 

The woman says, "I'll take it." The guys rings her up and she leaves in a hurry.

 

The store guy comes back a little later with his lunch and asks his buddy how it went. His buddy is excited and says,

 

"Well, I sold one white one for $25 and one black one for $50 and I'll be damned if I didn't sell your Thermos for $100."

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The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.‘

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.‘ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.‘

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see … size 44 long‘

 

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘

 

‘Been in the business 60 years!‘ the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?‘

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.‘

 

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘

 

‘Been in the business 60 years.‘

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?‘

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.‘

 

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see…size 36.’

 

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.‘

 

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.‘

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

 

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

 

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

 

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

 

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

 

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

 

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

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What is the definition of eternity in NYC? The time it takes from when your done banging her until the time she leaves.

 

What is the definition of a split second in Los Angeles? The time it takes from when the light turns green until the asshole behind you honks his horn.

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So a lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, and they pass a troop of Boy Scouts.

 

"Man, I'd love to screw a couple of those boys," said the priest.

 

"Maybe I can help," said the lawyer. "Screw them out of what?"

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> Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the

> economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers

> of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs

> and reducing unemployment.

>

> This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

>

> Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered

> for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

>

> Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the

> SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

>

> A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times

> as Congress deems appropriate.

>

> Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for

> Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel

> Early Severance).

>

> Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or

> SCREWED any further by Congress.

>

> Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much

> SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has

> always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

>

> Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring

> this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to

> give you all the SHIT you can handle.

>

> Sincerely,

> The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

>

> PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,

> gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the

> End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

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MISSING WIFE

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

 

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

 

The Mounties looked at each other, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."

 

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

 

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

 

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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A husband and wife are watching a television program about psychology and explaining mixed emotions. Husband says to wife, "honey, that's all a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She replies, "out of all of your friends, you have the largest penis."

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Did you hear about the new Haitian boy band?

 

New Blocks on the Kid

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A little thought for the first full moon of the year.....

 

Every man knows that there are days when all he has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every bloke

 

 

DANGEROUS - What's for dinner?

SAFER - Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST - Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine.

 

DANGEROUS - Are you wearing that?

SAFER - You sure look good in brown!

SAFEST - WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What are you so worked up about?

SAFER - Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST - Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

DANGEROUS - Should you be eating that?

SAFER - You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST - Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What did you DO all day?

SAFER - I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST - I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

13 Things PMS Stands For

 

1. Pass My Shotgun

 

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

 

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

 

4. Puffy Mid-Section

 

5. People Make me Sick

 

6. Provide Me Sweets

 

7. Pardon My Sobbing

 

8. Pimples May Surface

 

9. Pass My Sweatpants

 

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

 

11. Plainly; Men Suck

 

12. Pack My Stuff

 

and my favorite one:

 

13. Potential Murder Suspect

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A little thought for the first full moon of the year.....

 

Every man knows that there are days when all he has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every bloke

 

 

DANGEROUS - What's for dinner?

SAFER - Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST - Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine.

 

DANGEROUS - Are you wearing that?

SAFER - You sure look good in brown!

SAFEST - WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What are you so worked up about?

SAFER - Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST - Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

DANGEROUS - Should you be eating that?

SAFER - You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST - Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What did you DO all day?

SAFER - I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST - I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

13 Things PMS Stands For

 

1. Pass My Shotgun

 

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

 

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

 

4. Puffy Mid-Section

 

5. People Make me Sick

 

6. Provide Me Sweets

 

7. Pardon My Sobbing

 

8. Pimples May Surface

 

9. Pass My Sweatpants

 

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

 

11. Plainly; Men Suck

 

12. Pack My Stuff

 

and my favorite one:

 

13. Potential Murder Suspect

14. Punish My Spouse

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The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

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MISSING WIFE

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

 

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

 

The Mounties looked at each other, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."

 

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

 

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

 

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: thats aweful! :lol::lol:

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A man was trying to enjoy a drink at the bar but couldn't because two women were arguing loudly beside him. One said, "If a guy sleeps with a bunch of different girls he's a legend, but if a girl sleeps with a bunch of different guys, she's a slut." The man interjected, "If a key opens lots of locks it's a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a crappy lock." They got mad and left and he got two free beers!

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Chap walks into Specsavers and up to the counter. He stands there for a while, gazing at the wall above and behind the assistant. She asks can she help him with something, whereupon he replies,

 

 

 

"I'll have a fresh cod and chips please."

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Similar to:

 

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

 

Top 5 reasons boats are better than women:

 

5. Boats don't expect you to call the day after you use them.

4. A boat will let you drop anchor whereever you want to.

3. Boats don't care if you drink while you are on them.

2. Boats don't mind if you board other boats.

1. You can use tie downs on your boat.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant. The waiter took the wine to her and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender.

 

She stared at the wine for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a note back to him.

 

The waiter, lingering nearby for a response, took the note and gave it to the man.

 

It read: 'For me to accept this wine, you need a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

 

After reading the note, the man composed his own in return, folded it, handed it to the waiter, and had him deliver it to the lady.

 

It read: 'Things aren't always as they appear: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over $200 million in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off 3 inches....Just send the wine back.....

 

Tiger

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SAD BUT TRUE

 

 

 

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

 

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now."

 

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother.

 

"He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.

 

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

 

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21."

 

"Oh, I remember him" says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."

 

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

 

"Oh, gracious me!" says the other

 

"And this is my third son, my beautiful baby Ahmed. He would have been 18" she whispers.

 

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."

 

"He's a martyr also" says mum with tears in her eyes.

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says……………

 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI

 

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

 

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

 

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

 

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

 

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

 

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

 

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

 

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

 

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

 

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

 

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

 

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

 

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

 

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

 

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

 

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

 

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

 

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

 

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

 

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

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here's a good joke,

 

33rd Americas Cup

That's the most depressing joke I've ever heard.

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The Americas Cup had to be postponed due to lack of wind.

 

Apparently the competitors used it all up in the courtroom.

 

TOG

 

Badum-pum

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A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney

Along the way. The flight attendant explained that

There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted

To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board

In 50 minutes.

 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was

Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and

Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide

Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her

Throughout the entire flight.

 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before

Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by

Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost

An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would

Like to stretch his legs.'

 

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

 

People scattered.

 

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change

airlines!

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.

 

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

 

 

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.. "Because I am not an American."

 

 

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".

 

 

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

 

 

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

 

 

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.

 

 

The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

 

 

 

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

 

 

All in fun my friends. :)

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You gotta love the punch line.

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my

other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand

dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he

agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he

could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about

it!'

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0y-Qjjd-1U

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A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter, do you keep wittow wabbits?"

 

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a wittow white wabbit,

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute wittow

bwown wabbit over there?"

 

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weawwy givth a thit."

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It hardly qualifies as classic literature but found this in my travels around the interweb recently:

 

Eating out and chowing down,

Only tonight I'm not on the town.

Tonight I've been served a seafood dish,

Well it smells and tastes a lot like fish.

The time has come to ignore my fears,

As she drags me down there by my ears,

I feast upon her hot hairy pie,

While thick black pubes jab me in the eye,

She lies back and then softly sighs,

When all I can think of is scampi & fries.

Don't lick too low, move up a bit,

Got to be careful or I'll be in the shit,

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,

The things blokes do just for a poke.

Up and down and right a bit,

Where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it in here like this,

When a fanny's designed just to take a piss.

To find my way around her twat,

I'll need a torch or a miners hat.

I feel like my tongue is failing me,

Oh shit, I hope she doesn't pee.

I feel like I've been licking for years,

I wish I could breathe through both my ears,

I hope to fuck that she comes quick,

I can feel my neck developing a crick.

I'm starting to sweat like I've got a fever,

Under the covers, eating this beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,

Cos' her screams are gaining volume real fast,

Her thighs clamp down tight around my head,

Her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed,

She's coming at last and making a racket,

Her thighs crushing my head like an empty fag packet.

I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,

That my mouth's full of matted, fish flavoured hair.

And my face is all smothered in fanny batter,

And juices that taste like a seafood platter.

But she thinks it's funny and starts taking the piss,

But she soon stops her laughing when I move in for a kiss.

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