JOD

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

 

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your

day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother --

540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the

drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made...and

it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would've even made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk

swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball

still clutched in his paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, "because as the hawk

started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the

hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of

his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

 

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to

exchange yen for dollars.

 

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

 

"Why it change? Yesterday,I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied ... I'm with Revenue Canada .'

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied ... I'm a divorce lawyer."I'm with Revenue Canada .'

 

there ---- fixed it for you.

 

WWing

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An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets:

 

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

 

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

 

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

 

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

 

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

 

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

 

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

 

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

 

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

 

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

 

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

 

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.

 

Does this help to clarify?

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Her Diary:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet

at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I

thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment on it.

 

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so

we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was

wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was

upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not

to worry about it.

 

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept

driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I

love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,

and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15

minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,

and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts

were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm

almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

 

His Diary:

 

I found a crack in my Melges 24 rudder this morning, but at least I got laid.

 

 

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

 

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and she looks reborn and fresh again.

 

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

 

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

 

 

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Hung Chow calls into work and says,

 

"Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss John says,

 

"You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

 

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

 

"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........

 

Oh, and by way, you got vewy nice house......"

 

 

 

 

Ok, thats it for now.

 

dubz

 

 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

 

He lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

 

 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

 

He lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

 

I heard that one somewhere before.

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Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.

 

Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!”

Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home...”

 

Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away.

 

Next, it’s Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: “Lee Myung Man, jump!” Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window. Putin hugs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: “Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you’ll die! This is the 20th floor!” Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin’s embrace and jump out the window: “President Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!”

 

There's a bunch more complied from North Korean defectors - http://www.rfa.org/english/news/korea/koreanjokes-09102008183510.html

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"Why don't more blind people skydive?"

"It scares the shit out of the dog"

 

And

 

"How do they know they're close to the ground?"

"The leash goes slack"

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide.

The librarian replies; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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Why is the sex speed limit 68?

Because if you go 69 you flip over and eat it.

How are girls like squaring numbers?

If they're under 13, you just do them in your head.

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An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets:

 

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

 

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

 

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

 

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

 

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

 

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

 

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

 

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

 

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

 

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

 

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

 

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.

 

Does this help to clarify?

 

Sadly that's not a joke. That's reality. Probably better to have posted that in PA

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sometimes the funniest jokes are in fact based in reality, sadly.

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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making

love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How

dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can

tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the

last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,

and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out

and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I

made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid

you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was

doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw

them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have

had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her t he underwear that was your anniversary present, which

you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't

wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the

expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the

same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for

my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to

me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else

that your wife doesn't use?' :unsure::huh::P

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Flatbag's Guide to Life: :D

 

1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

11. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

14. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

15. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

16. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

20. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

21. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

22. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

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some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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A baby seal waddles into a pub and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal says, "Whiskey."

 

The bartender asks "What sort?"

 

The seal says "Anything but Canadian Club..."

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some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

20) The law of telecom thermo-dynamics.

 

At the instant a plate bearing hot food contacts the surface of a dining table, the telephone will ring :angry:

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Was this posted before?

 

My buddy Brad told me he was having a hot affair with a pair of twins!

I asked him, "How do you tell them apart?"

So he told me, "Jennifer has long blonde hair and Jeff has a moustache"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

 

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

 

The crowd murmured their approval.

 

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

 

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

20) The law of telecom thermo-dynamics.

 

At the instant a plate bearing hot food contacts the surface of a dining table, the telephone will ring :angry:

 

Sailing Law of Relativity.

 

The wind speed will increase in direct relation to the speed of your hand trying to save your hat.

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

 

 

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

 

P. Niss

 

The Response

 

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace

carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely,

 

V. Gina

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I almost won a pub trivia night last night. It all came down to the last question, which i got wrong.

 

The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

 

Seems the answer is "Fiji"...

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He Said To Me!

 

 

 

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

 

 

 

 

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

 

 

 

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him ... . They don't have time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

 

 

 

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.

 

 

 

 

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

 

Groan...... :D

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1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

 

2nd woman: Hi! Lakeisha. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

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Bacon Tree

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

 

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

 

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

 

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush...."

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Two women are talking about their husbands.

 

"My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

 

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

 

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond"

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock

cuz Jill is a fucking tranny.

 

 

 

10 Signs you're trailer trash

 

1. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan

 

2. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws

 

3. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there are lawas against it

 

4. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

 

5. Your toilet paper has page #s on it

 

6. Somebody hollers "hoe down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor

 

7. If a tornado hits your house & causes $10,000 worth of improvements

 

8. Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey y'all, watch this!"

 

9. You think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss

 

10. You think a woman who is "out of this league" bowls on a different night

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A maniac escaped from the Lunatic asylum, raped two women in a laundromat and then fled.

 

The headline in the Daily Astonisher the next day read...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

 

 

...I'll get my hat, See ya

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To my darling husband,

 

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

 

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

 

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality that you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

 

I am enclosing a picture for you.

 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 

 

Your loving wife,

 

 

XXX

crash.jpg

 

PS: your girlfriend called.

 

 

 

:D

 

WWing

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A maniac escaped from the Lunatic asylum, raped two women in a laundromat and then fled.

 

The headline in the Daily Astonisher the next day read...

 

 

...

 

 

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

 

 

...I'll get my hat, See ya

noice! :lol:

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A Scot, An Englishman and a Yank are taken prisoner in Afghanistan.

They are locked up for five years with a choice of taking one item with them.

The Scot takes as much whisky as he can fit into the cell.

The Englishman takes as many young women as can fit in his cell.

The Yank (Big Country) Takes as many packs of cigarettes as will fit in his cell.

Five years later the Scot staggers out clutching a bottle,,,

the Englishman is carried out with inflamed balls,,,,

and the Yank steps out and asks for a light.

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“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.

I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”

 

“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my

expensive jewelery.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His

mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture

of a cat.

“That’s a pussy,” she said.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.

Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her

son a picture of a dog.

But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and

asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,

opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.

“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”

Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad

replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

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So then the Buddhist goes to pay with a fiver, and the vendor tries to give him three back... The Buddhist said "No, my son. Change must come from within."

 

Got a long ride tomorrow, need some fodder. Here's one:

 

Zen Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand. "Make me one with everything."

 

more?

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A guy is visiting his buddy who mans the counter at an adult toy store. Soon after he arrived his buddy asks him to man the counter for a while while he gets some lunch. The visitor is a little unsure about this until he's told that all he needs to know is, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

Reluctantly the visitor accepts the task and the store guy gos to lunch. I few minutes later a woman walks in and asks about the prices and guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25." The woman buys the little white dildo.

 

Another few minutes go by and another woman comes in and asks the prices and new guys says the same thing as before. The woman buys a black dildo.

 

I third woman comes up to the counter and says, "How much for the little white dildo?", The guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

The woman then asks, "Well....how much for that plaid dildo over there?"

 

After some thought the guys says, "Well, ma'am, the plaid one is $100."

 

The woman says, "I'll take it." The guys rings her up and she leaves in a hurry.

 

The store guy comes back a little later with his lunch and asks his buddy how it went. His buddy is excited and says,

 

"Well, I sold one white one for $25 and one black one for $50 and I'll be damned if I didn't sell your Thermos for $100."

 

OK, that's the best laugh I've had since I found this thread!

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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

 

 

 

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear

and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

 

 

 

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

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SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

 

 

 

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

 

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

 

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

 

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

 

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

 

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

 

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

 

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

 

20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

 

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

 

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

 

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

 

 

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

 

1957 - Ants die.

 

2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

 

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

 

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

 

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

 

Think about it!

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Phil, may i remind you that this is a "joke" thread? unfortunately, that post was far too close to the truth to be a joke....

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The husband had just finished reading

a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From

now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and

my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a

sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go

upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I

want.

 

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my

robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then

tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

 

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife

replied, 'The fuckin funeral director would be my first

guess.'

 

 

 

 

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Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

 

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

 

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

 

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

 

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

 

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

 

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

 

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

 

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

 

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

 

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

 

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

 

 

Just starting to read through these. THis one made me laugh hard. Thanks

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

Is that a joke? Or what happened to LB15 last week?

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

Is that a joke? Or what happened to LB15 last week?

 

 

Droll, very farking droll. You're posting again. Is your 5 day long summer over?

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Now that i have been married a whole 14 weeks I'm getting included in all sorts of emails i didn't get previously (not an anti-men phase) here comes another one...

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

 

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

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Now that i have been married a whole 14 weeks I'm getting included in all sorts of emails i didn't get previously (not an anti-men phase) here comes another one...

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

 

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

 

Good luck with the last one. He is a lawyer remember.

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Now that i have been married a whole 14 weeks I'm getting included in all sorts of emails i didn't get previously (not an anti-men phase) here comes another one...

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

 

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

 

Good luck with the last one. He is a lawyer remember.

 

Lawyers don't mind being wrong, because being wrong leads to appeals, which leads to the ability to bill even more.

 

LB, how many of those courses did you fail spectacularly?

 

And our five day summer is nearly over. I'd think about moving to Aus but you folk can't seem to decide who is going to run your country...

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Never hold farts in.

They travel up your spine, into your brain,

And that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

 

 

Q: Why is it that women don't fart?

 

A: They don't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Never hold farts in.

They travel up your spine, into your brain,

And that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

 

 

Q: Why is it that women don't fart?

 

A: They don't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

:lol: Outstanding!

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Lawyers don't mind being wrong, because being wrong leads to appeals, which leads to the ability to bill even more.

 

You admit to being wrong sometimes!!!!! WTF Stef you need a new job.

 

LB, how many of those courses did you fail spectacularly?

The only thing I have ever past is wind.... and your contender.

 

And our five day summer is nearly over. I'd think about moving to Aus but you folk can't seem to decide who is going to run your country...

 

Yep looks like it's............anarchy!

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WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HOLD REGULAR JOBS

 

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win The Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like

men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at West Virginia University : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful.)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out Smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounts what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

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SLIGHTLY CHAUVINIST ADULT EDUCATION PROGRAMME

APPLICATIONS FOR PLACES IN THE FOLLOWING COURSES

ARE INVITED FROM FEMALES WITH FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY

Gardening & Lawn Mowing

A fulfilling activity when your man is at the footy!

 

Overcoming Inadequacy

How to get your mate to teach you to:

A: program the video.

B: program the washing machine.

C: program the dishwasher.

D: program the oven & microwave.

E: load the CD magazine.

without appearing to be an absolute DORK!

 

Competent Drinkwaiting –

1. Basic:

A: Beer is served COLD!

B: How to wash beer glasses !

C: Red wine is NOT served chilled!

 

Competent Drinkwaiting –

2. Advanced:

A: Pouring a GOOD beer!

B: How to wash beer glasses PROPERLY!

C: Drawing a mean cork!

 

Skill Enhancement for Homemakers

A: responding to beery breath and groping at 4:00 AM.

B: adjusting to lipstick on collars.

C: coping with finding lacy underwear in gloveboxes.

 

Shopping Without Dropping

How to carry those two slabs of beer to the car in one trip.

 

You - The Weaker Sex and Why

Reconciling your ego with how God sees you!

 

Back Seat Driving

How to avoid backhanders (however well deserved).

 

Excuses & Receipt Thereof

Accepting obvious bloody lies without upsetting your mate.

 

Purchasing with Partners in mind

How to buy sexy clothes that come off quickly.

 

Washing Male Underwear Without Nausea

Three easy techniques in diaphragm control.

 

Coping with Expletives

Listening without noticing or commenting.

 

Car Washing Without Tears or Fear

Washing your mate's 4WD without missing bits.

 

Getting Meals on Time

No matter when!

 

Bringing up Baby

Without need for input from partner.

 

Dumb Blondes & Why Men Like Them

A tip or two from those who know.

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The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says,

Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in

this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display,

but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day

and rejoice!

 

Pelosi replied, I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your

hand? Show me!

 

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

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A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'About 90 students raise their hands.

 

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

 

Three students raise their hands.

 

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

 

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made

love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

 

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

 

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

 

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

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After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic

surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory,

because her 'bomb doors' were dangling a bit too low and looked like a

ripped out fireplace.

 

Time and childbirth had taken its toll, and she reckoned that, with six

children now being the limit, she'd tidy things up with a nip here and a tuck

there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

 

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses

at the end of her bed.

 

Who are these from? she asked the nurse, they're very nice but I'm bit confused

as to why I've received them.

 

Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well

and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

Ahhh, that's really nice said Jane.

 

The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success

that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's 'touched the

sides' for years and he's very excited about the prospect!.

Brilliant! said Jane. And the third?

 

That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no

lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the

horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and

rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm

grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides

down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly

impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the

horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become

entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding

hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from

unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Frank, the Walmart greeter,

sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

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Guy goes into a gunshop and asks to look at a pistol then spends a few minutes holding it in various positions like muzzle under the chin, in his ear, under his ear and on his forehead. He then tells the clerk "I'll take this and one bullet". Clerk rings it up and the guy hands him a credit card. The clerk looks it over and says "For a transaction like this we're gonna need cash". The guy looks really put out and reaches for his wallet and says

 

"OK, but now I want 2 bullets"

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Goodbye Daddy

 

A father put his three years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

 

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy; it just seemed like the thing to do.'

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..'

 

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy mackerel!' thought the father. This kid is in contact with the other side.

 

Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured that, if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home, his sleeping wife awoke and said, 'I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?'

 

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

 

She said, 'You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

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A barman walks into a stable, and the horse says,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why the short penis?"

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One day , Bullgator has a heart-attack and dies.

 

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

Bullgator thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

 

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in Hell.

 

"No," Bullgator said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

 

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

 

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bullgator.

 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Bullgator saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Bullgator looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

 

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

Bullgator "Sweet!"

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Interesting piece of history

In 1872 the muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

 

His pants fit like a glove.

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A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

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Thought for the week:

 

Let's face it,

after Monday and Tuesday,

even the calendar says ,

W T F.

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ETHEL AND THE NURSING HOME

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

 

and loved to charge around the nursing home,

 

taking corners on one wheel and getting up to

 

maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich

 

short of a picnic the other residents tolerated

 

her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor

 

when a door opened and Kooky Clarence

 

stepped out with his arm outstretched.

 

"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you

 

got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished

 

around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat

 

wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said,

 

and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on

 

one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of

 

her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of

 

insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled

 

out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold

 

nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel

 

neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped

 

out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his

 

"You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn

 

Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Tri-Nations Rugby match and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor.

 

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

 

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

 

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

 

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

 

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

 

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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New Rule: Don't keep the super glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and - yes, she super glued her eyes shut. And, after seeing what had happened, her husband of many years took the superglue and moved it next to the toothpaste. -

 

:ph34r:

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A young Arab asks his father:

 

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

 

- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

 

- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

Tell me, papa...Yes, my son?

Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

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The Movie Test

 

 

 

Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

 

Try this test and find out what movie you most relate to. This amazing math s quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

 

Don't ask me how, but it really works! Just give it a go....

 

 

Movie Test:

 

Pick a number from 1-9.

 

Multiply by 3.

 

Add 3.

 

Multiply by 3 again.

 

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie List:

 

 

 

1. Gone With The Wind

 

2. E.T.

 

3. Beverly Hills Cop

 

4. Star Wars

 

5. Forrest Gump

 

6. Grease

 

7. Jaws

 

8. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

 

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

 

10. Pirates of the Caribbean

 

11. Jurassic Park

 

12. Shrek

 

13. Casablanca

 

14. Titanic

 

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

 

16. Home Alone

 

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

 

18. Toy Story

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