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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband paused; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued; "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too." she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

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The mythical Norse gods and friends threw a helluva party.

It went on day and night with much drinking, carousing, and coupling.

The next morning, the god Thor awoke much the worse for wear. He felt terrible.

He was still in bed when a stunning young goddess walked in.

He didn't remember her from the party but manfully got up to introduce himself.

"Good morning, I am Mighty Thor!" he said.

She snorted disdainfully and exclaimed, "You're mighty Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

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A man walks into a bar in Argentina and sees Hitler sitting all alone at a table in the corner.

The man asks the bartender, "Is that really Adolph Hitler?"

"Yes, it is," the bartender replies.

"I've always wanted to ask him something."

"You can't ask Hitler a question unless you buy him a drink."

So the man buys Hitler a drink, and the Fuhrer nods at him to come over.

"I've always wanted to ask you a question," says the man hesitantly.

"Well you bought the beer," replies Hitler. "Ask away."

"I've always been curious... how many people did you actually kill during that whole Holocaust thing."

Hitler sits back and thinks. "Six million Jews and about a half a dozen circus clowns."

"Half a dozen circus clowns?" cries the man. "Why the hell did you kill a half a dozen circus clowns???"

Hitler looks him straight in the eye and says, "See! Nobody really cares about the Jews!"

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, and then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son-in-law!"

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One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry his entire purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.

The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes.

While walking, he meets a young girl. She tells him she is lost, and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."

The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

Farmer Bob says, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The girl thinks for a moment then replies, "Well, you could set the goose down, put the bucket over it, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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The circus is in town and it has advertised for a lion tamer.

All the hopefuls are lined up in the Big Top for try-outs.

The first guy goes in and manages to avoid being eaten by the ferocious lion - the circus owner tells him "Don't call us, etc!"

The second guy is a little better, but not much!

The third contender is a beautiful, statuesque blonde who, once she is inside the cage, hurls away her red coat to reveal herself totally naked.

The lion circles her a couple of times then walks up to her and licks her all over.

As she retrieves her coat, the circus owner says to the next guy in line "Now that was impressive - do you think you can do that?"

"Easy peasy!" says the guy, "But get the bloody lion out!"

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I went shopping today. When I came out of the mall, there was an officer writing a ticket for an expired meter.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving me a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I said, "Is this Nazi Germany or something?"

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for parking too far from the curb!

I told him he was a fucking wanker.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket for parking outside the bay!

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" says one.

 

"Oh, nothing special!" was the reply, "I'm having Social Security sex."

 

"Social Security sex?"

 

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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A man was charged with bestiality, having been reported as having had sex with a goat.

He didn't have enough money to hire the best lawyer in town, so he hired another lawyer who was famous for being able to select a sympathetic jury.

During the trial, the defendant's next-door neighbour was recounting how she saw him having sexual relations with the goat under the light of a full moon. She recounted that when the man had finished, the goat turned around and gave the man a big kiss right on the mouth.

At this testimony, the man and his lawyer turned to look at the jury to see their reaction.

Just at that moment, one of the jurors turned to one of the other jurors and said, "A good goat will do that."

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as their project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars. The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the five dollars pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless bloody cocksuckers at the timber yard ever deliver the fuckin' fibro we ordered!" replied the little girl.

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Seany Simpson hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the

rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the

top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told

his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She

said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Sean said, Here's to

spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Oh, that is

very nice indeed, Sean!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Sean's drinking buddies on the

street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Sean won the prize the

other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and

the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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An old cowboy dressed in some old beat up boots and hat with worn Levi's and a sun tanned craggy face sat down at the bar and ordered a double shot straight up with a beer chaser. As he sat sipping his drink, a pretty young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the old cowpoke and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life riding fences, breaking horses, punchin' and brandin' cows, going to rodeos, fixing gates and tanks, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring critters, cleaning stalls and barns, fixing flats, working on tractors, shootin' varmints and cattle rustlers and feeding my huntin' dogs, so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a businessman sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Hell!" he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I may be a lesbian."

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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" says one.

 

"Oh, nothing special!" was the reply, "I'm having Social Security sex."

 

"Social Security sex?"

 

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Reminds me of a great line from John Mortimer who wrote Rumpole of the Bailey amoungst other things....

 

JM - "My wife and I are of the age where now all we ever do is have Plumber Sex"

interviewer - "Plumber sex???"

JM - "Yes, that's where you stay in all day and no-one ever comes"

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Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.

 

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

 

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.

 

She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

 

But the door still didn't close.

 

Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

 

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

 

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

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A new young monk arrives at the monastery.

 

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

 

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

 

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

 

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."

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A cardiac specialist died.

 

At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

 

When the pastor finished with the sermon & eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened , the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed

 

Just then one of the mourners burst out laughing.

 

The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?"

 

"I was thinking about my own funeral" he said

 

"So what's funny?"

 

"I'm a gynecologist"

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A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were

asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.

 

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the

comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.

 

The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

 

 

* This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

* Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like

my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

* Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

* I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

* My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

* If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all

round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

* I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

* A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.(Billy age

8)

* My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie

 

age 6)

* When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.

 

Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the

wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William

age 7)

 

* I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do

mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

* I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming

and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just

got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

 

* Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you

a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to

 

plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

* My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

* When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy

small. (Kevin age 6)

* When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in

the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend.It was

 

fun. (Lauren age 7)

 

* A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen

inside. (Emma age 5)

* When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of

sailors (Valerie age 6)

* Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go

down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

* On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very

 

fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie

 

age 7).

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A bloke goes into the CES (government employment) office in Melbourne for a

look through the job vacancies. Which doesn't take him very long, of

course. Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots

something.

 

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors.

$800 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

 

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the

reference number and fronts up at the counter.

 

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number

E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

 

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "It's a model agency right here is

Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply

girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk

they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are

showing.

 

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of

travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you

have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

 

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like

to apply for the job."

 

The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail

ticket to Ballarat".

 

"Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke. "Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to

Ballarat for?"

 

"Well", says the CES clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the

moment."

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A bloke goes into the CES (government employment) office in Melbourne for a

look through the job vacancies. Which doesn't take him very long, of

course. Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots

something.

 

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors.

$800 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

 

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the

reference number and fronts up at the counter.

 

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number

E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

 

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "It's a model agency right here is

Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply

girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk

they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are

showing.

 

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of

travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you

have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

 

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like

to apply for the job."

 

The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail

ticket to Ballarat".

 

"Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke. "Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to

Ballarat for?"

 

"Well", says the CES clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the

moment."

Grumpy, that's f**kin' brilliant. I laughed out loud and got the kids (junior staff) wondering is it time i was locked up.

 

An example of why I visit this place.

 

Thanks, and keep them coming.

 

Feargal

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a Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything"

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This is best told by the most innocent looking girl in the group.

Or the one with the sweetest, lilting voice!

 

Knock! Knock!

 

Who's there?

 

Avon calling - your doorbell's Fucked!

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An old cowboy dressed in some old beat up boots and hat with worn Levi's and a sun tanned craggy face sat down at the bar and ordered a double shot straight up with a beer chaser. As he sat sipping his drink, a pretty young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the old cowpoke and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life riding fences, breaking horses, punchin' and brandin' cows, going to rodeos, fixing gates and tanks, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring critters, cleaning stalls and barns, fixing flats, working on tractors, shootin' varmints and cattle rustlers and feeding my huntin' dogs, so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a businessman sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Hell!" he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I may be a lesbian."

LOL

 

Some of these last jokes are out of this world with good humour! LOL

 

LOL

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Two Jehova's witnesses were going door to door.

 

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

 

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.

 

She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

 

But the door still didn't close.

 

Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

 

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

 

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Excellent!

 

I hate cats :lol:

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Parachuting

 

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He

went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

 

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the

plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About

a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.

He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

 

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the

door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.

He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father."

Well, a little.... at first."

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INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting

Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

 

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions

to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two

judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that

spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted.

 

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________

 

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

 

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

 

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

__________________________________________

 

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

 

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.

___________________________________________

 

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

 

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

 

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,

get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now

my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced

from all the beer.

____________________________________________

 

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar

maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is

starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is

curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

 

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

___________________________________________

 

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

 

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my

lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

_____________________________________________

 

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried

about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the

world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered

with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too

painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,

I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

____________________________________________

 

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have

reacted to a really hot curry?

 

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Little Johnny runs into the farm-house where his mum and

grandma are Shelling peas Little Johnny runs in and yells

"Mum, Mum,the bull's fucking the cow !!"

Grandma gasps and clutches her chest in horror!!!

Mum drags little Johnny outside by the scruff of his neck and

says "Now listen here Johnny, you can't go around saying rude

words like that!! u have to think up another word to use......

how about the bull is SURPRISING the cow ??"

So little Johnny is a bit confused, but he shrugs and runs off

outside to play again.

Five minutes later he runs back inside and shouts "Mum, Mum the

Bull is SURPRISING ALL the cows now!!!!"

Mum sighs and says to Johnny "No, Johnny, he can't be

SURPRISING all the cows!"

"Yes he is!!!" yells little Johnny "He's SURPRISING all the

cows......

he's fucking the horse!!!"

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1 star hangover *

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and side of fries.

 

 

 

2 star hangover * *

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

 

 

 

3 star hangover * * *

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

 

 

 

4 star hangover * * * *

 

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -

 

Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

 

 

 

5 star hangover * * * * *

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe......very gently.

 

 

 

6 star hangover * * * * * *

 

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

 

 

 

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

 

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

 

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.

 

 

 

She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

 

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

:wacko:

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man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to

her,draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells

nice.

 

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.

She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a

sexual

harassment suit against him.

 

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach,

and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you

your

hair smells nice?" the woman replies,

 

 

 

 

 

It's Keith, the dwarf!"

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A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

 

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He put the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

 

Holding the shot of Baileys in his mouth, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

 

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

 

...at two seconds the Baileys curdles...

 

...at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

 

This trigger his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his grilfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

 

 

 

She smiles widely and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'.

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Ok this one is obviously outdated (by a few months) given the passing of one of the characters, but here it is anyway:

 

What did Ronald Reagan say to OJ Simpson?

I hear you and Nicole are having trouble.

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> The Man Who Orders Three Beers

 

>

> An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County

>Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender

>raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly

>at a table, alone.

>

> An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

>This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks

>three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering

>about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

>

> Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the

>town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you

>always order three beers."

>

> "'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and

>one went to America, and! the other to Australia. We promised each other

>that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of

>keeping up the family bond."

>

> The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon

>the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride

>to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch

>him drink.

>

> Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender

>pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening --

>he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for

>the soul of one of the brothers.

>

> The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first

>of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You

>know -- the two beers and all..."

>

> The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear

>that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, ! meself, have

>decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

 

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

 

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

 

She smiles and they start kissing.

 

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

 

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

 

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

 

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

 

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

 

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

 

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE %&^% DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

 

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Tazer

 

Dear Friends,

 

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this s**t!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.

 

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY S**T! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-B**CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

 

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

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a proctolgist stops by the market on his way home one night. standing in the checkout lane, he pulls his checkbook out and waits for the total. upon hearing the total from the checkout lady, he reaches in his breast pocket for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer...

 

"oh crap. would you be a dear and allow me to use your pen? it would appear that some asshole has taken mine"

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There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! You are a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

___________

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

_____________

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

-------

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

 

"Look," said one to the other, "let’s be honest with each other."

 

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

 

That was the end of the discussion.

__________________________

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

_________________________

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

__________________

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".

_______________

 

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

 

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

___________________________

 

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:

 

The Judge: Are you the defendant?

 

Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

__________________

 

A 35 year old attorney died of a heart attack and challenged St Peter "why now?".

"Well" said St Peter, "we looked at the bills you have sent your clients and reckoned you must have been at least 90 to have charged that many billable hours".

--------------------------------

Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should fuck her?", and the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?".

---------------------------------

A young couple, very much in love, are both killed in a car crash on

the day before their wedding.

 

They go to heaven, and decide that they want more than anything else to

be married there. So they ask St. Peter if it's possible. St. Peter

strokes his beard for a bit, and says that it will be difficult, but

he'll try.

 

Several months pass. In the meantime, the couple start to have doubts,

and wonder what will happen if it doesn't work out. Finally, St. Peter

calls them and tells them that yes, they can be married in heaven.

 

The woman asks, timidly, if it's possible to get a divorce in heaven.

St. Peter regards her sternly and says "Do you know it took me three

months to find a priest up here? Where am I going to find two lawyers?"

---------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and yells at the top of his voice "all lawyers are assholes". Then sits down and orders a beer. About half way through his beer a dude taps him on the shoulder and tells him "I don't like what you said when you came in here! The guy asks "Why? You a fuckin lawyer"? The dude answers... "No... I'm an asshole!

 

 

----------------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor and says "I have an embarrassing personal

question. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, and

have been experimenting in bed. The other night he asked me for anal

sex. I'm a little afraid of that, and want your advice."

 

The doctor says "Well, I can tell you some things you should know.

First, if you do it, you will find it painful for the first few times.

Tell him to go slow and use lots of lubricant. Second, sexually

transmitted diseases are easily transmitted by anal sex. I strongly

recommend you use latex condoms. And finally, if you don't practice safe

sex, at least practice birth control."

 

The woman is aghast and asks "But... I thought you can't get pregnant from anal sex?"

 

"Where do you think lawyers come from?"

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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

 

Age. Seduction lines.

17 My parents are away for the weekend.

25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.

48 My wife is away for the weekend.

66 My second wife is dead.

 

Age. Favorite sport.

17 Sex.

25 Sex.

35 Sex.

48 Sex.

66 Napping.

 

Age. Definition of a successful date.

17 Tongue.

25 Breakfast.

35 She didn't set back my therapy.

48 I didn't have to meet her kids.

66 Got home alive.

 

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

 

Age. Favorite fantasy.

17 Tall, dark and handsome.

25 Tall, dark and handsome with money.

35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain.

48 A man with hair.

66 A man.

 

Age. Ideal date.

17 He offers to pay.

25 He pays.

35 He cooks breakfast next morning.

48 He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids.

66 He can chew his breakfast.

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need

to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

 

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,"Hello?"

 

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe

that anyone could be so rude.

 

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I hadtransposed the last two digits of her phone number).

 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole! and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

 

It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

 

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

 

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

 

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

 

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

"Yes it is."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

 

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home every evening after five."

 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

 

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it

used to be.

 

So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

 

"Hello"

 

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

 

"Are you still there?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," I said.

 

"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said.

 

"Who are you?" he asked.

 

"My name is Don Hansen."

 

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer our front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

 

Then I called asshole # 2:

 

"Hello?" he said.

 

"Hello Asshole," I said.

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

 

"You'll what?" I said.

 

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

 

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

 

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

 

Now, I feel better.

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Dear Terri,

 

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

 

The day you left, l swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking, and you took away my Lightning.

 

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. l guess my pride

needed that.

 

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.

 

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. l don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...

 

"There's no one like you, Terri."

 

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

 

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and a butt like a tortoise shell.

 

Every man's dream, right?

 

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this co-ed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean?

 

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.

 

But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

 

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"

 

It wasn't just her flawless technique or her unending shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so

incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch.

 

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

 

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I

wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're kissing in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us.

 

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can

watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor?

 

We've had this old vanity for, what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What

happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself.

 

That's the saddest part of all for me.

 

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the

restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during

this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

 

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times.

 

Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

 

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it. And how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby.

 

In your heart you know it.

 

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

 

Because I love you, God help me but I do.

 

Yours,

Bill

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LETTER FOUND IN A "PERSONAL PROBLEMS" ADVICE COLUMN From Gavin of

Wellington, New Zealand.

 

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the Suburb of

Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to

an Australian.

 

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling

marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes

in Auckland.

 

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence

in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland,for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,

the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of

incest with his three children.

 

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives

in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel,

however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an

STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible, i.e. when she turns 16 and are

currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my

fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although

I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them

off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this:

 

I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of

course I want to be totally honest with her.

 

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Australian?

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Subject: The Horse, The Chicken and a Harley

 

THE HORSE, THE CHICKEN AND THE HARLEY

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

 

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

 

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised,but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

 

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!..... read on...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up

Chicks!"

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A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the

marketplace looking at the goods

and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the

shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into

my humble shop."

 

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some

special sandals I tink you would

be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex

God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a

sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

 

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and

tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild

look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the

blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a

table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm

hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

 

The Jamaican then began screaming..........

 

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

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OK Grumpy...

 

Same guy on vacation in Jamacia. He loves his wife so much that he had her name, Wendy, tattooed on his male member.

OK, so they're vacationing away in Jamacia - on the beach, drinking umbrella drinks. The guy has to take a leak so he heads off for the restroom. In the restroom he's standing next to this rather large local Jamacian gentleman and he notices that he also has "Wendy" tattooed on his male member. Well, he just can't resist and says "Hey, my wife is named Wendy and we both have that name tattooed on our members. What are the odds of that???" To which the Jamacian responds "No mon, you got it wrong." As he proceedes to stroke his member and it grows longer and longer, larger and larger it becomes apparent that it in fact says...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"WELCOME TO JAMACIA MON, HAVE A NICE DAY"

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A young nurse in the hospital says to her older nurse pal, did you see what that guy in Room 101 has "SWAN" tattooed on his penis?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You dumb girl says the older nurse, it's SASKATCHEWAN

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So i was talking with this old man,

 

and he points to a pier and says do ya see that pier over there, i build it with me own two hands, and do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!

 

and he points to a schoolhouse, he says, do ya see that schoolhouse over there, i build it with me own two hands, and do they call me MacGregor the schoohouse builder? NO!

 

and he points to a hospital, he says do ya see that hospital over there, i build it with me own two hands, and do they call me MacGregor the Hospital builder? NO!

 

. . . But, if you fuck one goat

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What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

 

 

 

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

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A WOMAN dropped in unannounced at her recently married son's house.

 

She rang the doorbell, walked in, and was shocked to see her

 

daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was

 

playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

 

daughter-in-law answered.

 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

 

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites

 

him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes

 

romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

 

The mother-in-law left.

 

When she got home, she stripped, showered, put on her best perfume,

 

dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch

 

waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally, her husband came home.

 

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

 

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

 

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly"

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A dear elderly woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

 

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on sale.

 

Suddenly, the frail looking woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!” The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.

 

The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what is wrong?"

 

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

 

Once again, the dainty little woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!” and doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

 

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

 

In a huff, the woman says, BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING FUCKED!!

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What's forty feet long, and smells like piss?

 

 

 

 

The conga line at an old folks home?

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Three aspiring psychiatrists from three leading universities were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

 

"Just to establish some parameters, " said the professor, to a student from Texas Tech, "What is the opposite of JOY?"

 

"SADNESS!" said the student.

 

"And the opposite of DEPRESSION?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.

 

"ELATION!" she said.

 

"And you sir," he said to a man from A&M University, "How about the opposite of WOE?"

 

The A&M student said, " I believe, Sir, that would be 'GIDDY UP'."

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If you do not wish to read a very sick joke, stop reading now.

 

A guy is screwing his girl doggy style, when he pulls out and starts to give it to her in the butt.

 

She says "That is awfully presumptuous of you, don't you think?"

 

He says "'Presumptuous' is an awfully big word for a five year old, don't you think?"

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in

my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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Three Ministers

 

St. Peter was checking people into the pearly gates when three ministers and

their wives showed up.

 

He looked at the Presbyterian minister and shook his head sadly and said, "I

can't let you in.You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You

loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

 

St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.

 

Then came the Methodist minister. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint

Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food

too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

 

Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists.

 

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't

looking good, Fanny."

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A cardiac specialist died.

 

At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

 

When the pastor finished with the sermon & eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened , the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed

 

Just then one of the mourners burst out laughing.

 

The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?"

 

"I was thinking about my own funeral" he said

 

"So what's funny?"

 

"I'm a gynecologist"

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Mickey Mouse is in divorce court listening to the judge who says "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, I can't grant a divorce on grounds of insanity.

Mickey throws up his hands, totally exasperated at the whole thing and shouts

"For the last time, I never said she was insane. I said she's Fucking Goofy!"

 

I'll be here all week, be sure to tip your waitress.

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

 

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

 

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

 

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

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A professor at the University of North Georgia gave a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands

 

Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raised their hands.

 

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

 

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

 

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...

 

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

 

 

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his

way up to the podium. When he is at the front of the room, the professor

asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied:

 

"Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, Goats."

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A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Chapstick.

Pharmacist: Will that be cash?

Duck: No, put it on my bill.

 

The duck comes back the next day and asks for a box of condoms.

Pharmacist: Want me to put those on your bill too?

Duck: What are you some kind of pervert?

 

G

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Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

 

'Cause if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.

 

(currently seeking professional help)

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Wait, this one's better,

 

How do you catch a unique duck?................

..................................Unique up on it!

 

How do you catch a tame duck?.............................

..................................The tame way!

 

 

 

(for a small fee I'll stop!)

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A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge She went down to the Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

 

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

 

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.

 

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

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Also in Sydney:

 

Bruce was driving his "Ute" across Sydnet Harbour Bridge one day, when he sees his girlfriend Sheila standing on the guardrail at the edge, poised to jump. He screeches to a halt and leans out the window.

 

"Ah g'day Sheila, whatcha doin there?"

 

" Oh Bruce, I just found out I'm pregnant, and I know what that would mean to you, so I decided to kill myself"

 

Bruce wipes a tear from his eye, and before driving away, says:

 

"That's what I always liked about about you, Sheila. You're not just a good shag, You're a good sport as well"

 

F

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John Kerry is on cruise ship relaxing and trying put his election defeat behind him when disaster strikes. A ferocious storm hits and the cruise ship goes down. John wakes up dazed on the beach of a desert island along with a pig and a dog. A few weeks go by and John has managed to build himself a shelter and is quite comfortable. He begins to get horny and decides that the pig is starting to look pretty good. He drops his pants grabs the pig from behid when all a sudden the dog goes crazy and starts barking snarling and biting. Startled, John drops the pig and it runs away. This happens several times over the next few days. A while later another storm hits the island and a beautiful women washes up on the beach. She is in bad shape, but John nurses her back to health. One day she tells him how she feels so grateful to him for saving her life, and that she will do anything to thank him. John thinks for a minute and asks do you really mean ANYTHING? She says Yes I mean anything. Ok, well can you please take the dog for a walk?

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An older man, disappointed with his sex life, goes to a therapist for help. He explained that he’d tried everything to get his wife in the mood. “I’ve tried romantic dinners, dancing, gifts, and even doing the house work, but it results in the same night time routine; she goes to the bathroom, changes into her nitie, removes her hearing aids, brushes her teeth, goes to bed and immediately falls to sleep."

 

Therapist suggests that he take her on a cruise and being desperate, the man quickly secures a passage on a luxury cruise ship. First day on the cruise goes great. They relax watching the ocean, have a great meal with wine and dance until late in the evening. They eventually return to the cabin and the husband, anticipating some nooky, prepares the lower bunk (because it was last minute, nothing but bunk bed cabins were available). However, to the man’s dismay, the wife goes into her routine again. She goes to the bathroom, changes into her night gown, removes hearing aids, and brushes her teeth.

 

The man, now angry, folds down the top bunk and asks his wife, “Up or down?” To which the woman quickly rips off her night gown and gives her husband a night of sex that he hadn’t had since their honeymoon.

 

Not wanting to change anything, the husband goes though the same routine on each succeeding day of the cruise. The wife goes through her routine, he then drops the upper bunk and asks “Up or down?” She immediately strips and screws like a jack rabbit. This continues for the remainder of the cruise.

 

A few days after the cruise is completed, the sex has stopped and the husband is confounded. He repeats the dinner, wine, and dancing but to no avail. Finally he confides in his wife. “I’ve done everything just like it was on the cruise and yet you are never in the mood for sex. The only difference is that I would ask which bunk you want, “Up or down”?

 

UP OR DOWN, the wife screams, I thought you said “FUCK or DROWN”!!

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John Kerry is on cruise ship relaxing and trying put his election defeat behind him when disaster strikes. A ferocious storm hits and the cruise ship goes down. John wakes up dazed on the beach of a desert island along with a pig and a dog. A few weeks go by and John has managed to build himself a shelter and is quite comfortable. He begins to get horny and decides that the pig is starting to look pretty good. He drops his pants grabs the pig from behid when all a sudden the dog goes crazy and starts barking snarling and biting. Startled, John drops the pig and it runs away. This happens several times over the next few days. A while later another storm hits the island and a beautiful women washes up on the beach. She is in bad shape, but John nurses her back to health. One day she tells him how she feels so grateful to him for saving her life, and that she will do anything to thank him. John thinks for a minute and asks do you really mean ANYTHING? She says Yes I mean anything. Ok, well can you please take the dog for a walk?

Tell 'em like they were built

 

Nov 23 2004, 02:33 PM

 

 

Anarchist

 

 

Group: Members

Posts: 2158

Member No.: 1320

Joined: 2-March 04

 

 

 

A New Zealand man, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible

shipwreck.

 

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a

while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the

New Zealander.

 

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

 

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.

 

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

 

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again.

 

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ...

 

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks

past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The

monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

 

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a

few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is

going to get a drink from the river.

 

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the

river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him

to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

 

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a

joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into

the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,

finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he

looks up and says "Hey you!"

 

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water

did you drink?!!"

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Poor female accident victim comatozed for the last six months.

 

One day, the nurse was bathing her netherregions when the heart monitor jumped a few beats. Since this was something new, nurse immediately informed the doctor who then insisted that the husband be alerted.

 

Husband arrives at the hospital and the doctor suggests he stimulate his wife to provoke further reactions. Since she had been under for so long, doctor recommends oral sex might do the trick.

 

Doctor and nurse retreat to the nursing station to watch the monitors...

 

beep......beep....beep.beep..beep.beep....beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

 

Both rush into the victim's room and look to the husband for clarification.

 

"guess she choked"

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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

 

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

 

His friend asked, "Well what d'ye mean by that?"

 

Pat said, "It's like dis, ... I saw a feller who I t’ought was Mulligan, and Mulligan, he saw a chap that he t’ought was me; but when we got up to one another ... it was neither of us."

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Ian Paisley dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he knocks long and hard on the door until, eventually, St. Peter comes out and asks his name.

 

“YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY!” he roars at St. Peter.

 

St. Peter looks at his list and cannot find the name.

 

“Sorry!” says St. Peter, “You’re just not on the list.”

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM?”

 

“As a matter of fact I do!” says St. Peter, “But nevertheless, your name is not on the list!”

 

“THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST.” roars Paisley.

 

St. Peter tries to explain that it’s not easy to get into heaven, and that usually you have to be a Catholic to get in without checking.

 

When Paisley hears this he starts to complain even more, so St. Peter says that had he been good to Catholics he might have some chance.

 

“WELL!” roars Paisley, “I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS! WHY, ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND; AND TWO WEEKS BEFORE THAT I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I GAVE HIM A POUND TOO, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER?

 

St. Peter takes a few notes and tells Paisley to wait while he consults with God.

 

Five minutes later St. Peter comes out, hands Paisley a slim envelope and says, “God says to tell you: 'Here’s your two quid back, Paisley! Now FUCK OFF!'”

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A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

 

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

 

Man: "Yes, I know."

 

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

 

Man: "The light was on..."

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A man moves into a new apartment, and he decides to go and check his mailbox.

 

A beautiful young woman is already there in the foyer with mail in her hand; she has a robe on and it falls open and the man notices she has nothing on underneath.

 

He tries to keep eye contact with the girl while she engages him in conversation.

 

All of a sudden she says, “I hear someone coming, let's go into my apartment.

 

When they get in to her apartment, she lets her robe fall to the ground and asks the man, “Which part of my body do you admire the most?”

 

The guy replies immediately, “Your ears!”

 

She gets mad and asks, “Why my ears? Look at this body! It's perfect! Look at these breasts -- they're real and they're mine! Look at this butt - it's hard and firm! So why my ears?”

 

The guy says, “Well, because the person you heard coming was me!”

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A guy enters a clock and watch shop.

 

While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

 

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, drags out the old LD and drops it on the counter.

 

"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks in horrified tone, "This is a clock shop!!"

 

He replied, "I know it is and I would like you to put two hands and a face on this, please!"

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Jack is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, "Can you grant me one last wish?"

 

She says, "Anything you want."

 

He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"

 

She says, "I suppose so; but I thought you hated Larry."

 

With his last breath, Jack says, "I do!"

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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

 

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

 

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

 

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

 

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

 

...so I told her to fuck off!

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I do believe mike has cut some stuff out of the one about the man moving into the new apartment.. here is the full version:

 

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive

young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she

had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain

eye contact. She seemed keen to talk but after a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears"

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and

solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me. "

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Almost identical joke, different punchline...

 

A guy enters a chiropodist surgery

 

While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

 

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, drags out the old LD and drops it on the counter.

 

"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks in horrified tone, "This is a chiropidist. That's not a foot"

 

He replied, "I know , but it's a good 6 inches!"

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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her

boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

 

Now THAT, is a poker player.....

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A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.

 

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

 

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts!"

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Four old timers were together sailing their monthly winter race at GLYC, when one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and, without an argument from his wife, go directly to the yacht club, meet his mates and go for a quiet cruise with a few beers.

 

His mates all agreed and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they all are on the boat ready to push off.

 

The first bloke says, "Boy this cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

 

The second bloke says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the Pacific cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

 

Number three says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

 

They all turn to the last in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

 

"I can't believe you all went to such expense to get here this morning; I just whispered in my wife's ear and said, 'Well honey, is it sex or sailing?' and she opened one eye, looked out the window and said, 'It looks a bit cool out, dear, you’d better take a sweater!'”

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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a bundy......................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

.............................................................

.......... and coke."

 

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"

 

The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."

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Why don’t Southern Baptists make love standing up?

 

‘cos someone might think they were dancing.

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People with all sorts of afflictions flocked to the all-healing lake!

 

The blind man swam in the lake! He came out and could see.

 

The deaf man swam in the lake! He came out and could hear.

 

The wheelchair bound man was pushed into the lake in his chair! When he came out,

 

……. the chair had a new set of tyres!

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Why did the Siamese twins move from the US to England?

 

The one on the right wanted to drive!!