JOD

Joke

Recommended Posts

Mother in law.....almost everybody has one.

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son?.

 

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said

 

"I don't mean to be rude either... but this is a pussy....not a fucking photo-copier."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire , England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour.... Here it is......

 

Shortest Essay:

 

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

 

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism 5) Homosexuality

 

The prize-winner wrote:

 

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: HOODY'S

 

 

 

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two men wearing hoodies arrived.

 

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

 

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

 

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.

 

Go back and let them in!"

 

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

 

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

 

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

 

 

"No. The Pearly Gates."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.

 

Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''

 

Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

 

*click* .. *BANG*

 

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What next?''

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant..

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet
me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

 

 

He said: "Who in the HELL screwed up your hair?"

 

<BR clear=all>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Senior Wedding

 

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

"Are you the owner?"

 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

 

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

 

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

 

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

 

Pharmacist: "Sure."

 

Jacob: "We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Last Nickel

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word..

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Parking Officer's Funeral

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

 

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

 

cheers,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

 

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas

rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor

and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White

House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

 

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a

post turtle was.

 

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and

you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post

turtle."

 

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he

continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't

belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you

just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."

 

I always like Bush, for the most part anyway, but still thought this was a wonderfully clever joke. Now that we're almost 4 years into the next administration I have to wonder if Obama keeps Eric Holder around so he won't appear to be the most incompetent (and corrupt) man in Washington

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a thread for posting jokes, not a political one.

 

Politics IS a joke.

 

Not necessarily funny, but a joke nevertheless :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yet, if you look at the date of the OP political jokes and rebuttals and comments have being posted on this topic since 2004. I was going through some of the earlier pages looking for some material to recycle via emails to friends. Just thought it was interesting in hindsight. As a general statement, though, I agree with you and would prefer to keep politics out of this thread (unless it's a really, really good joke)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

 

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

 

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

 

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during theService as all the doctors from the hospital

sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,

sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him,

he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.

 

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice."Have you got a license for that thing?"

 

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

 

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.

 

William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable {for his age} erection in his hand.

 

 

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

 

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

 

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

 

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during theService as all the doctors from the hospital

sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,

sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him,

he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

 

 

And another mourner appeared shaken, he was a proctologist!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Joke above reminds me...

 

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

 

 

 

 

Shaky hands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket

counter line at a train station.

 

The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies

bought just one ticket.

 

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of

the Albertans.

 

'Be watchin and learnin,' answered one of the Newfies.

 

 

 

All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three

Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

 

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect

tickets.

 

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

 

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on..

 

The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

 

Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and

save some money.

 

 

 

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single

ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the

three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!

 

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan.

 

'Be watchin and learnin,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison.

 

When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a

toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way.

 

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet

and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding.

 

The Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'................

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1) NUDITY

 

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

 

2) OPINIONS

 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

 

3) KETCHUP

 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

 

4) MORE NUDITY

 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

 

5) POLICE

 

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

 

6) POLICE # 2

 

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

 

'It sure is,' I replied.

 

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 

7) ELDERLY

 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

 

8) DRESS-UP

 

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

 

'And why not, darling?'

 

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 

9) DEATH

 

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

 

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

 

10) SCHOOL

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

 

11) BIBLE

 

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

 

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

 

'What have you got there, dear?'

 

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nursing Home sex

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night afterdinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"She asks, "What?''"Sex." he replies.Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!""I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.""Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A few old one-liners. Hold the groans... :lol:

 

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington, D.C., is obviously the government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Canadian Drunks have the best sense of humor EH !!!!!

 

 

A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.

The Mountie asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.

About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's willyhanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

London Bingo

 

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright

lights of London. She comes home six months later and steps out of a taxi

wearing a full-length mink coat.

 

"Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother.

'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive .

Where did ye get that?"

 

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the

bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London ?"

 

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights; but she's back

to visit her Mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of

the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large

diamond ring . Same exchange with Mum...same ,"won it at bingo !"

 

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months

later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and

diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her

mother a thousand pounds and explains that she won it all in

bingo.

Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When

Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in

the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with

the hot water after being handed so much money, calls downstairs,

"Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch

of water in the tub!”

 

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mum. "But we don't want ye

getting yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

 

You can never fool Mum!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In bed with the wife watching "Who wants to be a Millionaire".

Me: "Do you want to have sex?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Is that your final answer?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the trouble started.............

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

 

Shocked, she asked, 'What in the world are you doing?'

 

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

 

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

 

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

 

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?”

 

The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.”

 

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?”

 

Bush says, “We’re planning World War III.”

 

The guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

 

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits..”

 

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits?”

 

“Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

 

Bush turns to Cheney and says, “See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.”

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

Dear Gloria,

You're a pretentious cunt. All about you are people who are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Your sister for instance. I'd admit to being useless and inferior but your sister seems to think I'm God as she's been calling out "oh my god!" all afternoon. I may have ruined her for other men as well. For any other women I yearn, for you I have no feelings. When we're apart I can bang your sister forever, will you pack you shit and GTFO?

 

Yours,

John

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

th7sz95tr7.jpg

 

y3j68gpgfa.jpg

 

slpw7rfzn0.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

 

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

 

As a graduate of the University of Michigan, I love this joke!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

Dear Gloria,

You're a pretentious cunt. All about you are people who are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Your sister for instance. I'd admit to being useless and inferior but your sister seems to think I'm God as she's been calling out "oh my god!" all afternoon. I may have ruined her for other men as well. For any other women I yearn, for you I have no feelings. When we're apart I can bang your sister forever, will you pack you shit and GTFO?

 

Yours,

John

 

 

Priceless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

 

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

 

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."

 

 

********************************************8

 

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "We're going to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Robben Island Ferry."

 

 

 

 

***********************************************

 

A mobo-er meets an old salt in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the aging skipper's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The mobo-er asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

 

The raggie replies "We were caught in a huge storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

 

"Blimey!" said the mobo-er . "What about the hook"?

 

"Ahhhh...", mused the old salt, "We were in a bar in Casablanca and a little disagreement ensued over a woman. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

 

"Blimey!" remarked the mobo-er. "And how about the eye patch"?

 

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the abashed raggie.

 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the questioner asked incredulously.

 

"Well..." said the old salt - " it was me first day with the hook."

 

 

 

 

************************************************

 

 

 

Nervous first timer to skipper. "Do yachts like this sink very often?".

"No, usually it's only once!"

 

 

 

*************************************************

 

 

 

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

 

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

 

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!" __________________

 

 

 

 

For the Limeys>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole

 

-In Dorset?

 

-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

 

 

 

**********************

 

 

An old sailor was having a beer in a bar when he started chatting to the young lass who was sitting beside him. After a while he asked her, "What do you do?"

She replied "I am a lesbian."

Looking a bit puzzled, he asked "What does a lesbian do".

"When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think of is beautiful women. Then all day all I think of is beautiful women. And the last thing I think of at night is beautiful women", she replied.

He was quiet for a few minutes as he sat there thinking about this. So she asked him, "And what do you do?"

"I used to think I was a sailor," he replied. "But now I find out I am a lesbian."

 

 

 

*******************************************

 

 

 

My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.

 

Jamaica?

 

No, she wanted to

 

 

 

************************************

 

 

 

Two guys have just finished three hours of racing round the cans in their clubs keelboats. They retire for a shower before going to the bar. As they are dressing one sees the other putting on a black lacy bra,panties suspender belt and stockings. "Good grief George- how long have you been wearing those!" "Ever since Mary found them under the chart table" George replied.

 

 

 

**************************************

 

 

 

Why do divers always roll backwards into the water? Otherwise they would fall into the boat.

 

 

 

*****************************************************

 

Why is it always "women and children first"? The sharks won't be hungry anymore.

 

 

 

**************************************************************

 

Where can you find a sailor's bathroom?

On the poop deck.

 

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?

Its timbers were shivering.

 

What do sailor's use to blow their noses?

Anchor-chiefs.

 

What do Sea Monsters love to eat?

Fish and Ships.

 

 

 

*********************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Irish crew of a sailing boat were tasked with burying their mate Murphy who wanted to be buried at sea.

 

 

 

 

Pat and Mick had rowed out a little when Pat got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water,

 

 

 

We need to go out further says Pat,

 

 

 

so they row out another fifty yards then Pat jumps out and the water reaches his chin,

 

 

 

 

 

We need to go out further says he, so they row another 100 yards.

 

 

 

 

Pat jumps out again and dissapears under water, after 5 min he reapears and after a little coughing and spluttering

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

says to Mick, "Thats far enough give me out the shovel.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What sits at the the bottom of the sea and shivers?

 

:- A nervous wreck.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A California Love Story

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because" ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine."

 

I told you it was a California Love Story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.

 

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.

 

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

That's no way to speak about your aunt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

 

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Bill y Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and

may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

 

2.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..

-- Camille, age 10

 

 

3.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

 

 

4.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

 

 

5.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

--Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)

 

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

 

 

6.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7
( Love her )

 

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

 

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

 

 

7.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9
(bless you child )

 

 

8.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

 

And the #1 Favorite is .......

 

 

9.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

A: Christopher reeve after a house fire.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LET'S JUST OFFEND EVERYBODY

 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

 

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'

 

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

 

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'

 

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...Well, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 and nothing was moving.

 

Suddenly, a man knocked on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament,

and they're asking for a £100 million ransom otherwise they are going to

douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car

collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

 

Artery: The study of paintings

 

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

 

Barium: What doctors do when patients die

 

Benign: What you be, after you be eight

 

Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome

 

Cat scan: Searching for Kitty

 

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

 

Colic: A sheep dog

 

Coma: A punctuation mark

 

Dilate: To live long

 

Enema: Not a friend

 

Fester: Quicker than someone else

 

Fibula: A small lie

 

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

 

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work

 

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane

 

Morbid: A higher offer

 

Nitrates: Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

 

Node: I knew it

 

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

 

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis

 

Post Operative: A letter carrier

 

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery

 

Rectum: Nearly killed him

 

Secretion: Hiding something

 

Seizure: Roman Emperor

 

Tablet: A small table

 

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

 

Tumor: One plus one more

 

Urine: Opposite of you're out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But my wife won't like it...

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

 

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the

golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

 

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

 

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

 

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

 

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

 

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

 

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Under the cart!"

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife says she's going to a fancy dress party as a witch with a hairy wart on her nose.

 

She could at least make an effort.

 

=======================================

 

Auto-correct on iPhone drives me mad .

 

It's so hard to write a dirty joke when it won't let me swear..

 

Tucking pile of shot.

 

=====================================

 

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,

an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

...Walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.........

"You can't come in here without a Thai.”

 

=================================

 

MEN!!!!!

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?</SPAN>

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

 

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...

 

………….Then He made the earth round.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Scott whose side are you on?!? I don't find those men jokes funny at all. :-/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

 

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

 

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

 

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

 

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

 

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

 

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

 

'You're joking!' was the response.

 

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

 

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

 

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

 

Fuming, he turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

 

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

 

'Can you do two for me now?'

 

'Sure, what do you want?'

 

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

 

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few

minutes.

 

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

 

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. "We don´t allow Higgs Bosons in here!" shouted the priest. The particle replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. "We don´t allow Higgs Bosons in here!" shouted the priest. The particle replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

 

 

 

well, that didn't take long..... well done!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

 

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

the girl smiled.

 

At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

 

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

 

Mom fainted...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you turn a duck into a singer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

how is the fedora similar to a dog's tail?

 

 

 

 

 

there's an asshole under every one of em.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

 

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip places you above the rest of us. Look at me.... I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.. What do you say to that ?"

 

The Englishman gave him a knowing little smile and replied,

 

"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

 

 

 

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and

without missing a beat, she says:

 

"Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Arab man was sitting in his hotel in London when there was a knock on his door. "Room service sir" said a voice. The Arab guy opens the door. "Here are the Pringles you asked for sir" said the man. The Arab guy looks at it for 5 minutes and then says (in his deep Arabic accent) "What the fuck is this??? I said "Bring girls".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop

 

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

 

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

 

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the

shop, put out his hand and said "350"...

The girl panicked, ran outside and 'phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

 

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

 

"Yes !" she screamed " He's got one hanging there"....

 

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 - he's the bloody window cleaner!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not a joke - more of a test.....

 

"A good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

 

 

And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7H15 M3554G3

 

53RV35 7O PR0V3

 

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

 

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

 

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

 

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

 

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

 

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

 

Y0UR M1ND 1S

 

R34D1NG 17

 

4U70M471C4LLY

 

W17H 0U7 3V3N

 

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

 

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

 

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

 

R3AD 7H15.

 

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

 

U C4N R34D 7H15.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not a joke - more of a test.....

 

"A good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

 

 

And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7H15 M3554G3

THIS MESSAGE

53RV35 7O PR0V3

SERVES TO PROVE

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

HOW OUR MINDS CAN

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

DO AMAZING THINGS

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

IMPRESSIVE THINGS

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

IN THE BEGINNING

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

IT WAS HARD BUT

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

NOW ON THIS LINE

Y0UR M1ND 1S

YOUR MIND IS

R34D1NG 17

READING IT

4U70M471C4LLY

AUTOMATICALLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

WITH OUT EVEN

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

THINKING ABOUT IT

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

BE PROUD! ONLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN

R3AD 7H15.

READ THIS.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

PLEASE FORWARD IF

U C4N R34D 7H15.

U CAN READ THIS.

 

Its pretty easy if you look at the shapes of the numbers, and the letter they most closely resemble.

It make for some interesting cryptic number plates here in Oz...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While I sat in the recepti

ly said, "Well, she's there."

 

 

 

Are they the best jokes your getting in you inbox???

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

 

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

 

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

 

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

 

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 

The lawyer sued and WON!

 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

 

ONLY IN AMERICA ...!

 

The roots of that story are from 1965.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three guys, a Canadian,Osama bin Laden and uncle sam were out walking together one day, they came across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it

 

"I will give you each one wish, thats 3 wishes in total said the genie"

 

The Canadian says I am a farmer ,my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm,I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With the blink of an eye the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming

 

Osama bin laden was amazed so he said - I want a wall around Afghanistan,so that no infidels,Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.

With the blink of an eye the Genie created a huge wall around Afghanistan.

 

Uncle Sam (former engineer) asks -I am very curious please tell me more about this wall, the genie explains "Well its about 25,000 ft high and 500 ft thick and completely surrounds the country nothing can get in or out it is impenetrable"

Uncle Sam said - "Fill it with water"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

 

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

Thats it, back into the corner for you PATHETIC

 

EDIT And whats even more PATHETIC is he edited his joke to get it in one font...

 

Actually JBSF you have given me a good laugh, thanks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Getout of this house!" she ordered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die aslow and painful death!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me tostay?"

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

 

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young 7 year old boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

 

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

 

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

 

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

 

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

 

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

 

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

 

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The wife left a note on the fridge:

 

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no

idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works

fine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

The case came up in court.

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

 

'CASE DISMISSED'

 

cheers,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites