JOD

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A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

 

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

 

The clerk says, "Well, no."

 

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

 

" Well, I probably wouldn't."

 

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot." :blink:

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Friend 1 – Hey, how did you get that black eye?

 

Friend 2 – I called my wife a 2-bit hooker.

 

Friend 1 – And she hit you with her fist?

 

Friend 2 – No. She hit me with a sock full of quarters!

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Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".

"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"

"Are You sure Mick?"

"Yep, no worries mate"

"100 %?"

"YES!"

So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a gonner.

 

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective Nations chase women the hardest.

 

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates, trying to crack on the Sheila's!".

 

Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet eez us for sure".

 

Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting

from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTT!!!"

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Two Mac26 owners were walking thgough town one day when on the sidewalk ahead of them, they saw a big Doberman Pinscher licking it's balls.

 

The one Mac26 owner turns to the other and says "Man, I wish I could do that".

 

The other one says "Me too but, don't you think we should pet him first? He might be mean."

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A bear walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer and lays a twenty-dollar bill on the bar. The bartender brings him the beer and takes the twenty over to the cash register and says to the owner, "You won't believe this, but a bear just came in, ordered a beer and gave me this twenty!"

 

The owner, a miserly type, looks up, glances down the bar at the bear and says to the bartender, "Well, he's just a dumb animal. Shortchange him!"

 

The bartender grabs a ten-dollar bill from the register and takes it over to the bear. As he turns to walk away he hears a low, but steadily increasing growl behind him. He turns to face the now glowering grizzly and stammers, "You know, we don't see many bears in here!"

 

The bear shows his teeth and roars, "I don't wonder at ten bucks a beer!"

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After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in

good health. "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

 

"In fact I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the

first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with

her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears

to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to

discuss with me?"

 

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then

said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is

usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and

then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

 

"Oh that silly old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is

usually in August and the second time is in January".

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her

horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My

husband's home early!"

 

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"she replied.

"He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your

problems!"

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he

had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started

running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with

his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little

while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some

curiosity, jogged closer.

 

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

 

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

 

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?"

 

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed

right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you

always wear a condom when you run? "

 

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

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A penguin is driving into a small town and notices his engine is giving off blue smoke. He drives into a repair shop and the mechanic tells him it will be about an hour to check things over. The penguin decides to walk across the street to McDonald's for lunch.

 

Penguins' tastes being what they are, rather than a Big Mac, the penguin orders a fish sandwich, finishes it and heads back to the garage.

 

Seeing him coming, the mechanic solemnly shakes his head and observes, "Buddy, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

 

The penguin quickly wipes his beak with a flipper and replies, "No, that's just tartar sauce."

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10 year old boy is playing with his new train set in the living room. His mother listens to her son play from the kitchen while she does the dishes.

 

The boy runs his passenger train around the track and brings it to a stop at the train station.

 

The boy, playing the role of a P.A. system says, "Anyone getting off - get the fuck off. Anyone getting on - get the fuck on!"

 

Well, the mother goes balistic on her son. "How dare you use such language in this house!!! Go to your room for 2 hours and think about what you've done!"

 

So the boy, goes to room and sulks. After 2 hours, the boy comes downstairs, finds his mom and says, "Mom - you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I must have picked up that word in school. I know it's wrong and I promise to never say it again. Can I please play with my train again???"

 

Mom figures she's made her point and agrees.

 

The boy goes back to the living room and runs the train around the track. Upon bringing the train to a halt at the station, the boy gets back on the P.A. system.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, the train has come to a complete stop. Those passengers leaving the train - please do so now. Those boarding the train - please do so now. Those who wish to complain about the 2 hour delay - talk to the cunt in the kitchen!"

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Oldie but...a couple of funnies....

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a Tramp - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT Hooker - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE

DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY

HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL

INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has MALE SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants.....It's REAR

CLEAVAGE.

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To the USA, this is not actually a joke though Aussies and Brits might find it funny.

 

An Open Letter from the People of England

 

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume Monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following laws are to be introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

 

3. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

 

4. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

 

6. You should learn to distinguish the Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, Upper-class Twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be recast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

8. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

9. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like Nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girl's game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team uniform, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

10. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any Merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "."

 

11. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

12. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. The first Tuesday in November will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

13. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

15. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

16. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

17. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

 

18. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

19. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

20. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

:ph34r:

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To the USA, this is not actually a joke though Aussies and Brits might find it funny.

 

An Open Letter from the People of England

 

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume Monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

That did it! We're letting the krauts get you next time!

:P

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Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy, doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up....It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life? That might cause stress and turn it errr... orange"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have time for one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheezels"(cheetos for u americans)

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Hi everyone,

 

I could not get it up anymore, went to best docters, specialists and the like. No cure. Tried aspirin, viagra, beer but to no avail........

So I bumped into this old friend that had the same problem and recommended a tribal tribal witchdoctor

 

He listened to be , thrown the bones, drank some tribal juice and confirmed that my condition is serious, but he could fix it. The only problem with his cure he advice me, is that it will only work once a year, so I have to chose the right monent for sexual bliss very carefully.

 

Before he gave me his "muti" he said that when the time is right, all I have to do is whisper to little willie, 123, 123, 123. And when Im done I asked the great one? Easy, just say 1,2,3,4 and life will be normal again.

 

Off came a black mamba's head, chicken feathers, and some bugs, lions spit and a faggit's fart added to the brew, some magic spells and mumbo jumbo, and all this over my pride and joy.

 

About three months later I bumped into this angel from heaven, chafed her up and ended in the bedroom. Jeeswiss, I thought to myself, this is going to be nirvana in Africa.

After a few drinks we were naked and under the sheets. I lifted the sheet, peeked at willy and whispers 123, 123, 123 and low and behold, straight as a arrow, hard as steel and as long as my fore arm it goes....could'nt believe my eyes and luck.

 

With this, the blonde turns over to me and said.."darling, what's it with the 123 for

:angry::angry::angry:

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A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the

wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had

worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do

you remember this?"

 

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee

the night we were married."

 

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

 

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

 

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

 

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life

out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.'"

 

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's

50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you

have to say tonight?"

 

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Well, mission accomplished."

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show

in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through

his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her

chair.

 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a

person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you

who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and

from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind

continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women

in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

 

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the

blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little

smartmouth on your knee."

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A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him..."What'll you have?"

The grizzly bear responds..."I'll have a...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

beer."

The bartender replies..."OK, but whats the deal with the giant pause?"

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A blonde and a brunette are riding up an elevator. The brunette looks over and saya"theres a big cum stain on the wall"!!. The blond walks over and licks it and says "nobody in this building"!!!!! :huh:

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A blonde and a brunette were talking about their boyfriends and the blonde complained about her boyfriend's dandruff. She didn't know how to tell him without embarrassing him.

 

Her friend suggested, "Well, why don't you try giving him some Head & Shoulders."

 

"I already have done that", replied the blonde. "Wait a minute! How do you give shoulders?"

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

 

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

 

The man says, "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball."

 

Man - "That's nice."

 

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

 

Man - "No, thanks."

 

Boy - "My dad's outside."

 

Man - "OK, how much?"

 

Boy - "$250"

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

 

Boy - "Dark in here."

 

Man - "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

 

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

 

Boy -"$750

 

Man - "Fine."

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for? The boy replies, "$1,000". The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

 

The priest says, "Don't start that again...."

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A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him..."What'll you have?"

The grizzly bear responds..."I'll have a...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

beer."

The bartender replies..."OK, but whats the deal with the giant pause?"

Bear says, "I was born with 'em"

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A fellow comes to work one morning with a huge black eye.

 

"Whoa dude!" exclaims a buddy. "What happened to you?"

 

"Well," says the fellow. 'My wife didn't take it kindly when I called her a two-bit whore."

 

"Damn, what did she do hit you with frying pan?"

 

"Nah, she hit me with a sock full of quarters..."

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Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

 

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

 

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

 

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

 

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

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Darwin's a friendly town. Long way to anywhere, no locked doors, we pride ourselves on helping out in virtually any circumstance.

 

My mate as at home in the middle of a tropical storm on his 5 acre block near Humpty Doo, typically no power, 3.00 a.m. There's a knock at the door and old mate rolls out of bed and peers through the curtain. Guy at the door says, "Mate, I need a push, can you help me?"

 

Feller answers, "It's 3 in the morning, it's pissing rain, I'm asleep. Bugger OFF!" and heads back to bed.

 

His missus starts on about the bloke that helped him out and generally giving him the guilts. Feller gets out of bed again and goes to the door, looks around in the dark and calls "You still out there?"

 

"Yeah" comes the reply

 

"Do you still need a push?"

 

"Yeah"

 

"Where abouts are you, I can't see?"

 

 

"Over here, on the swing!"

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

 

Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

 

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

 

Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Darwin's a friendly town. Long way to anywhere, no locked doors, we pride ourselves on helping out in virtually any circumstance.

 

My mate as at home in the middle of a tropical storm on his 5 acre block near Humpty Doo, typically no power, 3.00 a.m. There's a knock at the door and old mate rolls out of bed and peers through the curtain. Guy at the door says, "Mate, I need a push, can you help me?"

 

Feller answers, "It's 3 in the morning, it's pissing rain, I'm asleep. Bugger OFF!" and heads back to bed.

 

His missus starts on about the bloke that helped him out and generally giving him the guilts. Feller gets out of bed again and goes to the door, looks around in the dark and calls "You still out there?"

 

"Yeah" comes the reply

 

"Do you still need a push?"

 

"Yeah"

 

"Where abouts are you, I can't see?"

 

 

"Over here, on the swing!"

GRUMPY...

 

"Darwin's a friendly town. Long way to anywhere, no locked doors, we pride ourselves on helping out in virtually any circumstance".. :blink: .

 

 

Two words mate:...The Tampa :lol:

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Guy walks into the doctors office and asks for birth control pills for his 12 year old daughter, the doctor says, "you mean that your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?" Guy says, "no, she just lays there like her mother"

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OK, this is gonna be difficult because it requires a Brooklyn accent, but....

 

A guy hosts a costume party in whch the guests have to dress as an emotion.

The first guest shows up dressed all in yellow. The host asks "What da hell are you supposed to be?" "I'm Feah, I'm yellow wit' feah." The next guest shows up and he's dressed all in green. "What da hell are you?" I'm Envy, I'm green wit' envy." The next guest shows up Butt Nekkid! His member is in a bowl of custard. The host says "What da hell is dis?" The guest replies..."I'm fuckin' dis custid!"

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Inspired by the Bio's.... :lol:

 

 

 

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her

 

new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and

 

Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new

 

but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night

 

together.

 

 

 

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the

 

expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens

 

and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as

 

one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go

 

to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom

 

door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".

 

 

 

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds

 

are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She

 

is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again,

 

rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

 

"action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to

 

leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at

 

your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less

 

than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great

 

lover, Morris."

 

 

 

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was

 

here already?"

 

 

 

The moral of the story:

 

Dont be afraid of getting old, Alzheimers has it's

 

advantages!

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a redneck family came to the the tall business building. While mom went shopping, father and son vondered arround till they approaching the elevators. They saw an old and wrinkled wonam entering the elevator, silver doors closed and the nimbers start lighting up, up up... stopping and then coming down.

The silver dors open and out came a gorgeus tall blonde in a short skirt.

Paw, what was that?

Boy, go git your momma...

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Real not jokes but funny anyway.

 

Whos your Daddy?

 

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see

why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section

for listing father's details.

 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

 

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken

unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

 

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

 

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

 

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that

would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.

 

7 Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

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The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

 

Major Technological Breakthrough

Back to the drawing board.

 

Developed after years of intensive research

It was discovered by accident.

 

The designs are well within allowable limits

We just made it, stretching a point or two.

 

Test results were extremely gratifying

It works, and are we surprised!

 

Customer satisfaction is believed assured

We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

 

Close project coordination

We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

 

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties

We are working on something else.

 

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period

We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

 

A number of different approaches are being tried

We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

 

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem

We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

 

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

 

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

 

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

 

Essentially complete.

Half done.

 

We predict...

We hope to God!

 

Drawing release is lagging.

Not a single drawing exists.

 

Risk is high, but acceptable.

100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we mayhave a 50/50 chance.

 

Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.

It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

 

Not well defined.

Nobody has thought about it.

 

Requires further analysis and management attention.

Totally out of control.

 

The project is designed for high availability.

Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

 

This project has low maintenance requirements.

We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

 

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.

The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

 

The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year.

This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

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Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at American University.

 

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

 

There is to be absolutely NO TALKING and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

 

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students

Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

----------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

 

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The

chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

 

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,???*?? he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em ! out of the sky!"

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My

writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of TEA??? Oh no, I'm suchan air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

Asshole.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Bitch.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

JACKASS.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Slut.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

Get f ----d.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Eat s---!

 

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

 

SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

 

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

 

Go drink some tea - whore.

 

**********************************************

(teacher)

 

A+ - I really liked this one.

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A man gats on his flight and sits next to a woman. Shortly

after takeoff the woman sneezes. For a short while after

she continues to shudder and moan. This occurs again several

times over the next half hour. Curious the man finally asks

 

"Are you alright? I mean, those sneezes and the moaning..."

 

To which she answers

 

"I have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

 

"Goodness" the man says "Are you taking anything for it?"

 

With a sniffle she replies "Pepper."

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There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:

''Starboard is right, port is left.''

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YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL

 

[A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

 

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

 

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"

the mother replied. "It's not polite."

 

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

 

"Now really," the mother says,

"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

 

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

 

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers'

license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

 

The mother is surprised and asks,

"How did you find that out?

 

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

 

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,

"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

 

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the

wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had

worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do

you remember this?"

 

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee

the night we were married."

 

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

 

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

 

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

 

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life

out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.'"

 

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's

50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you

have to say tonight?"

 

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Well, mission accomplished."

My life in a nutshell.

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An oldie. What was the last word to come out of Elvis Presley's mouth?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Corn?

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> The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the

 

> aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the

 

> other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter

 

> spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door

 

> closes, and the engines start up.

 

>

 

>

 

> The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign

 

> that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The

 

> plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in

 

> the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the

 

> edge of the airport territory.

 

>

 

>

 

> As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,

 

> panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts

 

> smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little

 

> sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the

 

> knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

 

>

 

>

 

> In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

 

> "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and

 

> we're all gonna die."

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So there are these two cats, an English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois. They are sitting around boasting about their swimming skills one day and agree to have a race swimming across the English Channel. Which cat wins the race?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The English cat won beacuse Un Deux Trois cat sank.

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So there are these two cats, an English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois. They are sitting around boasting about their swimming skills one day and agree to have a race swimming across the English Channel. Which cat wins the race?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The English cat won beacuse Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Poor, even for you.

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JACKSON JOKES!

 

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?

A: Because they aren't his!

 

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

A: Get out of my sun!

 

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?

A: Throw him a buoy!

 

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

 

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

 

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?

A: Several children have fingered him.

 

Q: Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?

A: He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

 

Q: What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?

A: One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small

children. The other is used to hold groceries.

 

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

 

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?

A: Michael Jackson's hand.

 

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams

every night?

A: Hanson.

 

Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

 

Q: Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?

A: Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

 

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?

A: I'll swap you a 10 for two fives

 

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?

A: Two 5 year olds.

 

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...

Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?

Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladdin?

Janet: No, just a pizza and video

 

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?

A: Michael Jackson

 

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

 

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?

A: Both are a pain in the a$$ to kids

 

FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house... They found class A drugs in

his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his

bedroom.

 

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby

son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can have

sex?"

"I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.

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The phases of a guy's life:

 

Three guys, ages 25, 45, and 65, are having a beer after work. The young guy says "Man, I had the best piece of ass last night." Forty-five says "Yeah, I had a really incredible steak last night". The old timer says "What a great dump I took last night".

 

What phase are YOU in?

 

wt

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Ooooo, a religious joke!!! Sure to piss somebody off!!! Insert names wherever it's appropriate for your tastes:

 

A dead guy has been good enough to get the invite upstairs, and St. Pete is showing him around. "You've been such a good man that you get to choose what area of heaven you'd like to spend eternity in" he says to the guy. So they walk down a hall and St. Pete opens the first door so the guy can take a look inside, where there's a potluck supper and fellowship going on.

"Who's that?" says the guy.

"Lutherans"

"Hmm...not bad, but show me around a bit more."

So St. Pete shows him behind the next door, where there's a bunch of people getting dunked in a river and praising the Lord.

"Baptists"

"Uh, let me think about it" says the guy.

As they approach the next door St. Pete tells the dead dude that they need to be very very quiet as they approach.

"But why?"

"Well you see, it's where the Catholics stay and they think they're the only ones up here."

 

wt

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>Rules For Bedroom Golf

>

> 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one

>club and two balls.

>

> 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

>

> 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and

>keep the balls out of the hole.

>

> 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course

>owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.

>

> 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club

>to avoid damage to the hole.

>

> 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary

>until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so

>may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.

>

> 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately

>upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time

>to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed

>bunkers.

>

> 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played

>or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset

>course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this

>reason.

>

> 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in

>case.

>

> 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been

>properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the

>first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they

>discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

>

> 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all

>times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is

>temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in

>this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play

>when this is the case.

>

> 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before

>attempting to play the back nine.

>

> 13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to

>proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's

>request.

>

> 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play

>the same hole several times in one match.

>

> 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

>*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at

>a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the

>rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to

>continue to play several different courses.

>

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Subject: The Science Exam

 

If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

These are real answers given by children.

 

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants

like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

 

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to

flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature

hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

 

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

 

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the

abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the

heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,

O, and U.

 

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

 

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

 

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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A woman goes into one of those open air meat markets, where they have the whole chickens packed in ice, and orders a Long Island duck. The butcher puts a dead duck on the counter. The woman picks the duck up by the tail, sticks a finger in the duck's ass, pull it out, smells it, squints and crunches her face up and shaking her head, says, "That's a Michigan duck." The butcher puts another duck on the counter. The woman sticks a finger in the duck's ass, smells it, shakes her head and says, "That's a Wisconsin duck." The butcher puts another duck on the counter. She sticks a finger in the duck's ass, smells it, and says "now THAT's a Long Island duck. You must be new, butcher." "Yes ma'am, I started yesterday," replied the butcher. "Where are you from," asked the woman. The butcher pulled down his pants, bent over and yelled "BITCH, YOU TELL ME!"

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The Redhead

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,

but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

towards the man.

 

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

“Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in

place.

 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest

dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to

her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

 

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

 

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

every guy you meet? "

 

"No, " she replies. . . . . . "

 

She says:

 

"You just happened to catch my eye."

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this goes back a way and is in VERY poor taste, so continue at your own risk.

 

What does R. Budd Dwyer have in common with Tom Selleck?

They both had a magnum go off in their mouth.

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1.Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.

 

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

 

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

 

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your daughter took them.

 

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks b! etter than you.

 

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

 

8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

 

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.

 

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money,all together

they came to a staggering 50 pence.

 

Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and

came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

 

Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't

worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered

two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know

how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!'

 

Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'

 

They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through

my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth'

 

Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

 

At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer

- I am pissed and my knees are killing me'

 

Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub!!

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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

 

His father says, "No...how old?"

 

He says, "I'm eleven!"

 

He goes into the kitchen and says to Michael Jackson, "Hey, Michael, know how old I am today?"

 

Michael says, "Come closer..."

 

Michael unzips the boy's jeans and reaches his thin, white arm down into the boy's underwear.

 

He fondles the boy's genitals for a few minutes and then says, "You're eleven."

 

The boy says, "How could you tell?"

 

Michael says, "I heard you tell your father."

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The Prince of Wales was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he accidentally ran over her most prized corgi dog.

 

The poor unfortunate dog was crushed to a pulp! The Prince got out of his car, sat down on the grass, and started crying. the whole world was already against him and now his mother would be furious.

 

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a genie appeared.

 

"You've freed the genie from the lamp from thousands and thousands of years of imprisonment, and for freeing me I will grant you one wish".

 

"WOW" !!!! said the prince, this could really save my neck. "Well I have all the money and material things that I need, but let me show you this dog". The Prince and the genie walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life", asked the Prince. The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head. "This body is far too gone for even me to bring him back to life, isn't there anything else you would like instead"?

 

The Prince thought for a moment, then reached into his pocket and pulled out two photographs.

 

"I used to be married to this beautiful woman called Diana", said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph, "but now I love this woman called Camilla, do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"?

 

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, "Let's have another look at that dog".

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It was the first day of school and a new student

named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican

restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some

American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give

me Death?' "

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who

had his hand up.

 

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

 

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. Now, who said,

"Government of the people, by the people, for the

people, shall not perish from the earth?"

 

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham

Lincoln, 1863."

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should

be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows

more about its' history than you do!"

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

 

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm

gonna puke."

 

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who

said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the

Japanese Prime Minister,

1991."

 

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? kiss

this!"

 

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and

shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica

Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You

little turd. If you say anything else, I'll strangle you!"

 

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,

"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

 

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered

around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh s**t,

we're in BIG trouble now!"

 

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

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>A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

 

>While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told

 

>them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here

 

>in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he

 

>would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you

 

>spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful

to

 

>be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

 

>The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and

three

 

>days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was

looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I

want something very special."

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

 

 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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A professor of medicine was addressing his class of medical students in a physical diagnosis class. The subject was "Marfan's Syndrome".

 

Professor:

Marfan's Syndrome is an inherited condition manifested by tall body habitus, long, slender arms and legs, and a weakness of the connective tissue that makes these patients prone to develop aortic aneurysms. As a matter of fact, these individuals often die of a ruptured aorta.

 

Because of his tall, gangly physique, many historians believe Abraham Lincoln was afflicted with Marfan's Syndrome.

 

Med Student:

Hey! How did Lincoln die?

 

 

 

 

True story

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A couple of these may be repeats, sorry. They're all disgustingly funny.

 

 

What's Michael Jackson's favorite dish?

Creamed shrimp.

 

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?

A Michael Jackson slumber party.

 

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":

"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

 

How did Michael get in trouble?

He was feeling a little Randy.

 

Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?

It comes in a little can.

 

Why does Michael like children so much?

He knows how they feel.

 

Why does Michael own a theme park?

He's always been into children's shit.

 

What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?

Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

 

How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?

Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

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Seen some of these before.........still funny though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".

 

Examples of those days are as follows:

 

Tuesday

 

Thursday

 

Thanksgiving

 

Today

 

Tomorrow

 

Thaturday

 

Thunday

 

_________________________________

 

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in

the middle of the night

 

5% said it was to get a glass of water

 

12% said it was to go to the toilet

 

83% said it was to go home

 

__________________________________

 

The perfect breakfast as a man sees it...

 

You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties,

your mistress is on the cover of Playboy

and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

 

__________________________________

 

(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?

 

(A) Nudity

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

 

(A) 45 lbs

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

 

(A) 45 minutes

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What's the difference between a husband and a new dog?

 

(A) After a year, the dog is still happy to see you.

 

__________________________________

 

(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"

 

(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

__________________________________

 

(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?

 

(A) A golden retriever

 

__________________________________

 

(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?

 

(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

 

__________________________________

 

(Q) What' s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 

(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

 

along with a recipe.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What's the Cuban national anthem?

 

(A) Row, row, row your boat.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

 

(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

 

(A) The guy who can carry two coffees in each hand and a dozen donuts.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

 

(A) The girl who eats the last donut.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) Why did God create alcohol?

 

(A) So ugly people can have sex too.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) How do you know when you are leading a sad life?

 

(A) When a nymphomaniac says, "Let's just be friends."

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What do a toilet, a clitoris and an anniversary have in common?

 

(A) Men miss them all.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What do you call a NZ farmer with a sheep under each arm?

 

(A) A pimp.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

 

(A) Because those men already have boyfriends

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

(A) The same thing that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

__________________________________

 

 

(Q) How are men and parking spaces alike?

 

(A) All the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

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Why do Canadian girls use hockey pucks instead of tampons?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hockey pucks will last for 3 periods.

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TIP OF THE WEEK

 

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

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Why do ethiopian women give the best head?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know their going to swallow

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the

woods.

 

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a

trap.

 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I

will grant you

three wishes."

 

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I

failed to

mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever

you wish for,

your husband will get times ten.

 

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she

wanted to be the

most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,

 

"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the

most handsome

man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

 

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most

beautiful woman

and he will have eyes only for me."

 

So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the

world.

 

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in

the world and

he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said, "That's

okay, because

what's mine is his and what's his is mine.

 

So, KAZAM! She's the richest woman in the world.

 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,

 

"I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

.....

 

.....

 

.....

 

.....

 

.....

 

.....

 

.....

ATTENTION ALL FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for

you.

 

 

Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

 

ATTENTION ALL MALE READERS: Please scroll down.

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're

 

really smart.

 

Let them continue to think that way. It's easier!

 

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only

 

goes to show that you women never listen!

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Mil. humor...

 

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a very good reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit." LTC (CENTCOM)

 

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

 

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

 

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

 

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

 

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

 

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult task.

 

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

 

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..." LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated

 

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!" GO/FO (CENTCOM)

 

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form

 

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."

LTC (CENTCOM)

 

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are; institutionalized scab picking."

 

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about .." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

 

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

 

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)

 

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

 

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

 

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

 

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit; it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM)

 

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned-butt dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

 

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

 

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

 

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

 

At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

 

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, .way too much...

 

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

 

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

 

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) develops and implements their strategies

 

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

 

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits.." LCDR (NAVEUR)

 

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

 

"It's not a lot of work unless you are the one who has to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

 

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

 

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

 

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

 

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer" MAJ (EUCOM)

 

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

 

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh_t, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away." Flag-level Executive A$$istant

 

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..." GS-14 (OSD)

 

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?" GS-14 (EUCOM)

 

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..." "This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

 

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."

 

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..." LTC (EUCOM)

 

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

 

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

 

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

Absolutely classic! I'm going to send that to all my buddies at US CENTCOM.

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Foredeck Shuffle's signature:

women = time x money

well known fact that "time is money" so:

women = money^2

additionally, well known fact that money is the root of evil:

money = sqrt(evil), or:

money^2 = evil, so:

women = money^2 = evil

women = evil

 

Hey FS, if your arithmatic is correct (and I think it is) then it follows, from

 

women = money^2

 

that women only become negative when the money is imaginary...

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On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her own wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected - grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually, they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you, with a face like that she HAD to be a virgin!'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said 'My God. That was even tighter!".

'That's my boy,' said the Duke of Edinburgh. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

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Probably need to come from Darwin to understand but......

 

 

Associated Press (AP) 20 April 2005, 07:32 (Palmerston, Australia)

 

Earthquake Rocks Palmerston.

 

 

 

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit

 

Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre

 

believed to be the North Katherine suburb of Palmerston.

 

 

 

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin 'ell"

 

and "Whadda carnt". The earthquake has completely decimated the area,

 

leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.

 

 

 

Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana

 

Appreciation Society and the Palmerston Progress Hall, were destroyed

 

in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

 

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

 

 

 

Darwin radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and

 

bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something

 

interesting had happened in the area.

 

 

 

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It

 

was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my

 

bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept

 

through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer

 

later in the morning".

 

 

 

The people of Palmerston are a resilient community and evidence of a

 

full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car

 

crime carrying on as normal.

 

 

 

The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross

 

has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help

 

the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the

 

rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which

 

include Centrelink booklets, Western Bulldogs shirts, Priceline

 

jewellery and fine bone china from Go-Lo.

 

 

 

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be

 

air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this

 

disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed

 

include baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts

 

(female); white sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually

 

sold in "Op" Shops.

 

 

 

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

 

Required foodstuffs include, Dagwood Dogs, doner kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,

 

ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop and Victoria

 

Bitter.

 

 

 

Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland

 

outlet. $0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms;

 

$5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a

 

family of nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a

 

lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

 

 

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected

 

suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the

 

neighbouring areas.

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Probably need to come from Darwin to understand but......

 

 

Associated Press (AP) 20 April 2005, 07:32 (Palmerston, Australia)

 

Earthquake Rocks Palmerston.

 

 

 

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit

 

Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre

 

believed to be the North Katherine suburb of Palmerston.

 

 

 

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin 'ell"

 

and "Whadda carnt". The earthquake has completely decimated the area,

 

leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.

 

 

 

Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana

 

Appreciation Society and the Palmerston Progress Hall, were destroyed

 

in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

 

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

 

 

 

Darwin radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and

 

bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something

 

interesting had happened in the area.

 

 

 

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It

 

was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my

 

bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept

 

through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer

 

later in the morning".

 

 

 

The people of Palmerston are a resilient community and evidence of a

 

full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car

 

crime carrying on as normal.

 

 

 

The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross

 

has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help

 

the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the

 

rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which

 

include Centrelink booklets, Western Bulldogs shirts, Priceline

 

jewellery and fine bone china from Go-Lo.

 

 

 

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be

 

air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this

 

disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed

 

include baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts

 

(female); white sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually

 

sold in "Op" Shops.

 

 

 

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

 

Required foodstuffs include, Dagwood Dogs, doner kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,

 

ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop and Victoria

 

Bitter.

 

 

 

Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland

 

outlet. $0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms;

 

$5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a

 

family of nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a

 

lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

 

 

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected

 

suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the

 

neighbouring areas.

Actually Grumpy old m8, one needs not come from Darwin to get that. Unfortunately, I see the same here in the states. The majority of it in the South...... :blink:

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Sort of down the road and up the way a bit! Shit this www stuff can muck with a blokes perception hey!

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There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

 

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

 

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

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