JOD

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Tiger explanation??

 

Mr Woods is trying to me more like Alex Rodriguez.

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Joe Paternos answer...

 

 

 

Because I didn't care if children were being raped.

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The Farmer's Wife
-----------------

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,
Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the very attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.

He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the

door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived.

Father answered the door and the lad said,

"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said,

"My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"

Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.

 

The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

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Chinese Farmer's Daughter

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship, the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem; the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, and use to curse the clever parrot but couldn't do anything else, it was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night out in the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning everybody on board, except the magician who luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean and as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said..
...


"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

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I don't know if anyone remembers Pam Ayres but here it is:

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

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When you're over Sixty who gives a shit?
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your Girlfriends over there instead of you."

*********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

*********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " When you're over sixty, who gives a shit?

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Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown massacre?


The punch lines are too long

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20 Clever Words Definition

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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When I came home from sailing today, the wife left a note on the fridge:
It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother.
I can't take it anymore.
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

 

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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.










A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.










The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"










He replied, "They had avocados."










If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.










My work is done here.










------------------------------------------------------










Water in the carburetor










WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."










HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "










WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."










HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?










WIFE: "In the pool"










===========================================










THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.










25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.










That's scary.










It means 75% are running around untreated.










------------------------------------------------------------------------------










A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.










Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.










The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.










"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"










Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."










"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.










"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"










-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=










HE MUST PAY










Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."










Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.










-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=










Today's Short Reading from the Bible...










From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."










Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!






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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its featuresMeg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phoneMeg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

I don't get it :unsure:

Think back to when cell phones were new and the way most people called someone was to call the place they were. Not the best joke in the list. Took me a minute to figure out, too.

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its featuresMeg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phoneMeg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

I don't get it :unsure:

Think back to when cell phones were new and the way most people called someone was to call the place they were. Not the best joke in the list. Took me a minute to figure out, too.

key word "blonde".

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

I don't get it :unsure:

ummm...are you blonde by any chance ?

 

cheers,

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A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Windsor to Branson. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver was beginning to think he had a bus load of old wackos. Who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested. The bus driver decides that he'd had better investigate, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..."

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A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man.

His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah.

Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love.

All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret.

Princess Leah is Luke's sister! Luke was obviously distraught!

Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke said to him, "Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!"

Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, "Luke, use divorce."

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my new doctor

 

Q : Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A : Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain....good!

Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A : You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q : Is swimming good for your figure?
A : If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q : Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey! 'Round' is shape!

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Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

 

 

 

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Hits all the wrong spots here

 

> In a recent nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a

> mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I’m

> circumcised!

>

> Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my

> driver’s license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being

> very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

>

> But it’s a wheelchair!

>

> That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I’m also disabled!

> I said to myself, aloud, “This is impossible! It’s impossible that I

> should be black and Jewish and disabled!”

>

> “It’s the pure and holy truth,” whispers someone from behind me.

>

> I turn around, and it’s my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a

> homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

>

> Oh, my God ..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend,

> drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

>

> Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo

> ....I’m bald!!!

>

> The telephone rings. It’s my brother. He is saying, “Since mom and dad

> died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day

> doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!”

>

> Mom? Dad? Nooooo ..... Now I’m also an unemployed orphan!

>

> I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are

> black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict,

> HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn’t get it.

>

> Frustrated, I hang up. It’s then I realize I only have one hand!!!

>

> With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a

> shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

> Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker...Pacemaker??

>

> Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a

> drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one

> hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

>

> At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, “Sweetie pie

> amigo, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are

> going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?”

>

> Say it isn’t so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed,

> drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald,

> orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but

> please.....

>

 

 

 

 

 

> Oh dear God, please don’t tell me I’m a Democrat!”

 

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"I think my latest girlfriend is a bit too weird for me," I told my mate. "Last night she asked me if I wanted to try a 'different' hole."

"Mate!" He cried, "What's weird about that?"

"Well, when I said yes... she took her glass eye out

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I got fired from my job working on the rape victims helpline.

I thought that's why they gave me a hands free head set.

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Here was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

 

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

SEX IN THE SHOWER...thought for the day.

 

 

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

 

 

The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

 

 

The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.

 

 

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

 

 

Sort of brings tears to your eyes...

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Warning!!! Clean joke!!!!!

 

 

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

 

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

 

They moused.

 

They faxed.

 

They e-mailed.

 

They e-mailed with attachments.

 

They downloaded.

 

They did spreadsheets!

 

They wrote reports.

 

They created labels and cards.

 

They created charts and graphs.

 

They did some genealogy reports.

 

They did every job known to man.

 

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.

 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

 

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

 

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

 

God just shrugged and said,

 

 

JESUS SAVES

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Where would you find a quadraplegic?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wherever you left him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

...closing door...

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A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

 

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

 

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off bananas"

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

 

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Credit should go to the original author- John Cleese.

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For those who haven't heard, CALIFORNIA just passed both laws-
Allowing Gay marriage and legalizing use of marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
Makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We obviously just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

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U.S. CONDOM FACTORY FIRE
The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

 

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some condoms in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:
MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

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HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

 



Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...



A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."



Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

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LEXIPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THESE TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:



























































































· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.












· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.










· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.








· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.










· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes



was on shaky ground.












· The batteries were given out free of charge.












· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth



and nail.










· A will is a dead giveaway.










· If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.












· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.












· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show



you A-flat miner.










· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.








· Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.














· A boiled egg is hard to beat.










· When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a







mall.










· Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old







was resisting a rest.










· Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was



cut off? He's all right now.










· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog



your memory.










· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.








· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,







it's your Count that votes.










· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.










· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was



fully recovered.










· He had a photographic memory which was never



developed.










· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed



in the end.










· When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought



she'd dye.










· Acupuncture: a jab well done.



























































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Two golfers were on the first tee. The first golfer teed off with a great shot onto the fairway, but the second golfer dithered around quite a bit, constantly shifting his feet and lining up his club.
The first golfer finally lost his patience and said "Aw for farks sake, just hit the @#$% ball!!" angry%209.gif
The second golfer replies: "I'm trying to hit the perfect shot, .....my wife is watching from the clubhouse."

"Forget it!" Said the first golfer, "You'll never hit her from here!" clear.png



2 blokes are playing golf. The pair in front are slowing them up and taking for ever. One of the men walks the 150m up to them to ask to play through before turning abruptly just before them and walking back to the tee. After being asked what the matter is the man states:

"You wouldn't believe it but one of the women is my wife and the other my mistress."
The second man walks over but also returns to the tee remarking:
"Small world"

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"He looks just like his grandfather," Is a typically cute thing said about a new baby in most of the world.

In Kentucky, it's more of an accusation.

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A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.


The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

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An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few k's further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masterbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said:

"What sort of country is this! A few K's down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masterbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, " You heartless b@#!$*&, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo."

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

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"G'day mate. Aussie helpline. What's the problem, cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!"

"Thanks, mate. I hadn't thought of that. G'bye."

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan Uni
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

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Ollie vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ollie and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ollie said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"


Ollie says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

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Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred .'

Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Fred .

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

" Fred , wake up! You've shit the bed!"


Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

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GOTTA PEE

 

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

 

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

 

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'"

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A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on
their cell phones.? The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day
that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having
coffee with a friend.? She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

 

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet.? Please advise.

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Scots or Greeks...




The wit of the Scots



A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the


superior culture.



Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and


arched his eyebrows.



The Scotsman replies, "well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and


Winter Solstices."



The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."



The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."



And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.


With a flourish of finality he says, "the Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"



The Scotsman replies, "aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to


women!

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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

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An old man who worked at the same factory with me while I was in college liked to tell us that when he and his wife wanted some privacy, he would toss thirty or forty pennies, a couple dimes and a few nickels out in the grass and tell the kids to keep looking until they found the entire dollar's worth.

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I hate it when women turn the light off before having sex.

It makes it awfully difficult for me to see them through the window

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Barbara Walters, an American TV journalist, years before the then Afghan conflict reported on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan. She noted women walking about five paces behind their husbands. She later returned to Kabul and saw the women still walked behind the men. Despite the overthrow of the Taliban regime, it appeared the women persevered with the same.


Walters asked one of the women: "Why do it if you are not happy with walking behind the men?" The woman looked Walters in the eyes and said:

"Landmines."

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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.


The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
...

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."





The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

 

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail.

 

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

 

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

 

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

 

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

 

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

 

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

 

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

 

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Been a while since I read this one....utterly classic

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Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

 

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to break wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my efforts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. It was then that I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my ipod.

 

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

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On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."

 

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

 

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

 

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

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This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.



The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.


With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a Frenchman, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a few glasses of single malt afterwards.


Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to an Alcotest and asks the Englishman if he knows why he has just been arrested.



With humour, the Englishman answers:


And do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is driving... on the right side???

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Old but Gold

 

Punography:

·I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro - what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


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Interesting Facts

 

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Sine, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy .

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.




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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?

 

How important does a person have to be before they're "assassinated" instead of "murdered"?

 

How is it we put a man on the moon before we worked out putting wheels on luggage?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Why does someone believe you when you tell them there are 4 billion stars, but if you tell them paint is wet they'll touch it.

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 

Whose idea idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?

 

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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A Blonde goes to WalMart to buy curtains.

 

She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains'.

 

The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her 'what size curtains do you need'?

 

She promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches'.

 

'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for !?'

 

The Blonde says, 'They aren't for a

room, they are for my new computer monitor'.

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains'!

 

The Blonde says: 'Helloooooo .... mine has Windows.....!!!

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A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.

The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'

The customer says, 'Female.'

The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'

The customer replies, 'White.'

The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

 

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

 

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

 

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

 

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

 

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?

 

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

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This really isn't a joke and is not funny. Actually very sad. Don't know where else to put it.

 

Devastating Liquor Store Shelf Collapse Caught on Camera

 

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=0e9_1381141481

Something's fishy. Camera is jiggling around so not a regular security cam. Methinks someone sabotaged the shelves and wanted the u-tube hit?

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This really isn't a joke and is not funny. Actually very sad. Don't know where else to put it.

 

Devastating Liquor Store Shelf Collapse Caught on Camera

 

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=0e9_1381141481

Something's fishy. Camera is jiggling around so not a regular security cam. Methinks someone sabotaged the shelves and wanted the u-tube hit?

The date on the top is wiggling as well. Filmed with a smartphone off the security cam screen because the guy did not know how to transfer the security video directly to youtube...

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The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he

occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be

one of those occasions.

 

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a

picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

 

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy

the reputation of the Church!"...

 

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially

secure for life with these photos!"

 

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and

after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of

$2,000,000.

 

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,

"That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did

it cost you?"

 

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."

 

"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen

you coming!"

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First non partisan thing I have seen about the US Government shutdown.

 

Apparently the only way to see Mt Rushmore is from the Canadian Side

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mt-rushmore-from-the-canadian-side.jpg

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A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

 

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

 

The plane took off and, once it had levelled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this’. He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

 

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

 

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

 

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again

 

I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

 

‘I like it!’, said his seat mate.

 

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place.

 

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’

 

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb!’

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Apologies if this has been psted before:

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown
Savannah night before last.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry
jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you
pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our
lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your
pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The
evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely
from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had
just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for
it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't
it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your
shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you
from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us
again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you
had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well
as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your
credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink
"pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke
the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's
side of the car.


Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening

phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
nice long chat...


(I guess while he traced your number

etc.)


In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not

killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far
more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish
you well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next
time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

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doesnt make any sense. who;s to say that was the thief's wallet that the supposed hero was parading around - could have been a prior victim whose life he just destroyed...

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And what did the poor Cadillac do to him either? Offensive paint job?

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Guys, it was a joke. Not a very good joke I admit.

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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

 

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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