JOD

Joke

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I wrote two articles about the names some famous, or not so famous folks I've run into sailing through the years -

 

http://www.chicagonow.com/sail-lake-michigan/2013/08/the-rich-and-the-famous/

http://www.chicagonow.com/sail-lake-michigan/2013/09/the-rich-and-famous-part-2/

Is it me or has everyone else missed the punch line in this one?

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David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue".

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in the USA and got over 100 caps for England, is that enough?".

The driver says: "No you thick clod, where do you want to go?"

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
the barrel.


He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...

What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

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Today's Explanation


Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as ‘Luvs’ and ‘Huggies,’ while undergarments for old people are called ‘Depends:


You see, when babies crap their pants, people are still gonna Luv ‘em and Hug ‘em.


However, when old people crap their pants, it ‘Dependson who's in the will.


Glad to get that straightened out.


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"Twenty bucks," she whispered.

Yoseph had never been with a hooker , but he thought, "What the hell!? it's only twenty bucks."

So they hid in the bushes and started going at it.

 

Suddenly a police officer shines his flashlight on the couple and asks, "What's going on here people? "

 

Yoseph answers, sounding quite annoyed "I'm making love to my wife."

"Oh! I'm sorry!" says the cop, "I didn't 't know."

 

"Well..." Says Yoseph, " I didn't know either till you shined the damned flashlight on her . "

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Penis Study

 

The American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's

Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they

concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was

to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the U.S. published the study, the French decided to do their

own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that

the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman

more pleasure during sex.

 

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they

concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting

himself in the forehead.

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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

 

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

 

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

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Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on
I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they
stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk
her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss
this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me,

an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

 

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.

 

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Why does a dog lick his nuts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'cuz he can' t make a fist!

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Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up

my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every

function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I

heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

 

 

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.


Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys .

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If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old. - Lord Chesterfield

 

 

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

 

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

 

The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

 

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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*Onions & Christmas Trees*

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many

kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there

are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and

firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a

bit. After 60, they are like onions'.

 

'Onions?'

 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many

kinds of 'willies' are there?.

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through

three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his

60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

 

'A Christmas tree?'

 

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!

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An American and a Newfie go into a pastry shop.

 

The American guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed & the baker doesn't notice.

 

The American guy says to the newfie: "You see how clever we are? You newfies can never beat that!"

 

The newfie says to the American guy: "Watch this, any newfie is smarter than a roundhead, and I'll prove it to ya."

 

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

 

The baker gives him the cookie, which newfie promptly eats.

 

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

 

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

 

He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

 

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

 

The newfie eats this one too.

 

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "OK ... And now where is your famous magic trick?"

 

The newfie says,.... "Look in the American guys pocket!"

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Hinckley Prison Release

 

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:

 

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

 

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

 

 

 

 

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

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Had to forward that one to all my friends ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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What do you do if you see a boat thief with half a face ???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

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.

 

 

.

 

 

Stop laughing and reload !!!

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With the holiday season upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

 

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

 

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when i did something that I have never done before - I took a taxi home.

 

Sure enough on the way home there were police roadside checking drivers, but since it was a cab they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident.

 

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before. To this day I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

 

(For the record, I am adamantly opposed to any notion of drinking and driving. I just thought the punch line in this was funny.)

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With the holiday season upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

 

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

 

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when i did something that I have never done before - I took a taxi home.

 

Sure enough on the way home there were police roadside checking drivers, but since it was a cab they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident.

 

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before. To this day I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

 

(For the record, I am adamantly opposed to any notion of drinking and driving. I just thought the punch line in this was funny.)

 

George was pulled over by the State Patrol and the trooper, suspecting that George had been drinking, had George doing several roadside sobriety tests when a semi traveling in the other direction across the divided highway median struck a smaller car and sent it wheeling off the far side of the highway in a cloud of dust and debris. The truck, now skidding sideways down the highway in a full jackknife, lost its trailer and ended up on its side, blocking all lanes beyond the median. The trooper looked at George and said "You don't move! I'll be back for you once we get some help for these people!" and sprinted across the grassy median toward the accident.

 

After nearly ten minutes, George said to hell with this and drove home. He told his surprised wife "If the cops come knocking, you tell them I'm sick and in bed - and I've been sick and in bed all day!" - and disappeared into the bedroom.

 

Sure enough, some hours later a strong knock came to the door and George's wife went to answer it. A few minutes later, she came into the bedroom - "You were right! A trooper is here and he's demanding to see you! I told them you were sick in bed and had been here all day just like you said - but he's really insisting to talk to you!"

 

George came to the door wrapped in a blanket and with his best impression of deep sickness - "what can I do for you, officer?"

 

"It's Trooper, not officer, and I believe that I pulled you over earlier tonight." - to which George answered that no, he was sick and had been in bed all day - and his wife would verify so.

 

When the trooper demanded to inspect George's vehicle, George offered no resistance "Certainly, sir. It's in the garage." The two of them proceeded to the driveway, where George pressed the button on his garage door opener.....

 

And there, in the garage, was the State Patrol car.

 

:D:D:D

 

WWing

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Text to mom: "Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I

get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

 

Text from mom to daughter: “It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out.

I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

 

Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.........sorry, I meant to spell gum."

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Text to mom: "Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I

get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

 

Text from mom to daughter: “It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out.

I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

 

Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.........sorry, I meant to spell gum."

 

 

That is my all time favorite post in FUautocorrect.com

 

Lots of funny shit there.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.


When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.


One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved sailing all our lives, and we

raced against eachother on Saturdays and cruised with eachother for so many years. Please do me

one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if

there's sailing there."


Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best

friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for

you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.


At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound

sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to

Him, "Mike--Mike."


"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"


"Mike--it's me, Joe."


"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"


"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."


"Joe! Where are you?"


"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little

bad news."


"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.


"The good news," Joe says," is that there's sailing in heaven. Better

yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better

than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time

and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and

pretty as ever! And best of all, we can race all we want, and

RC always sets a square line and our sails never blow out of shape or get shredded!"


That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's

the bad news?


"You're foredeck this Saturday".

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An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "They're Carols".

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She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

 

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

 

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

 

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

 

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

 

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

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Re ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

True story, or so my parents have told me.

 

A local oil man and famous philanderer was having his way with a cutie on the floor of a hotel room when his wife walked in.

 

Without skipping a beat he says to her, "Now honey who are you going to believe? Your adoring husband or those tired old eyes of yours?"

 

She wasn't amused and promptly filed for divorce but it still ranks as one of the best spontaneous one liners in history.

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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How is a 9V battery like a womans anus?

 

 

 

You know it's wrong, but sooner or later you stick your tongue on it.

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This is for your kids or grandkids.

 

 

Riddle:

 

Your galloping along on a horse. To your left there's an elephant running at the same speed, to your right is a rhino at the same speed, behind you is a tiger running at you. Up ahead you see a sharp curve and a cliff.

 

What do you do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round

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This is for your kids or grandkids.

 

 

Riddle:

 

Your galloping along on a horse. To your left there's an elephant running at the same speed, to your right is a rhino at the same speed, behind you is a tiger running at you. Up ahead you see a sharp curve and a cliff.

 

What do you do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round

I am 35.

 

What is a merry-go-round?

 

seriously they were pretty much gone by the time I was in high school in 1992. even regular carousels are very few and far between I think I have seen 3 not at a fair grounds/midway.

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1513230_672135362839250_1332186470_n.jpg

😄

Love it!

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The other day I was in luck and was able to buy two sixers of beer

I placed the beer on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"

Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."

The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"

Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."

The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"

The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"

"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive and naked native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica with a note saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling…” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so we can make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let me see you play that fucking harmonica.”

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This is for your kids or grandkids.

 

 

Riddle:

 

Your galloping along on a horse. To your left there's an elephant running at the same speed, to your right is a rhino at the same speed, behind you is a tiger running at you. Up ahead you see a sharp curve and a cliff.

 

What do you do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round

I am 35.

 

What is a merry-go-round?

 

seriously they were pretty much gone by the time I was in high school in 1992. even regular carousels are very few and far between I think I have seen 3 not at a fair grounds/midway.

You had to wait until high school before you could ride a merry-go-round? That's a fucked up childhood.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

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a recent poll suggests one third of Americans do not accept Evolution.

now THAT's a joke!

Derek, I saw that too and the joke is that the third that do not believe have not evolved. They have always been that way. Great education system we have eh?

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Man is in the drug store, when I very attractive woman walks up to him and says, "Hi, are you Mr. Johnson, I think I have one of your kids?"

 

He thinks back to the one time he was unfaithful. It was a bachelor party and he banged a stripper on the pool table in front of all of his mates.

 

Then he says; "Oh my God, were you the dancer at Jacks bachelor party?"

Her face turns down as she replies; "No, I meant one of my third grade kids in the class I teach."

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

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A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

 

She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

 

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

 

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said,

"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face

suffocates me!

 

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

 

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

 

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

 

"What are those?" he asked.

 

"Viagra," she replied.

 

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked

as a pain killer."

 

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

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AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT ‘TWAS ME.

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this.

It's not our age, it's that damn door !!!

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AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT ‘TWAS ME.

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this.

It's not our age, it's that damn door !!!

Reminds me of the story of a man who was asked by his wife to go the video store to rent the movie "The Scent of a Woman" and came back with "A fish called Wanda"

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So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback...

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

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Read that one last week 'cept it was Liverpool Football Club. fkn good but!

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PARAPROSDOKIANS-Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

 

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

 

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

 

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

 

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

 

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

 

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam eight hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and a gourmet dinner.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

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This just in:


A&E is canceling Duck Dynasty and replacing it with a new reality show about life in the White House.

It will be called 'Duck Responsibility.'

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

 

The guy left but did not return that day.

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

 

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

 

The guy left and again, did not return that day.

 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

 

The guy left.

 

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes.

 

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

 

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

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GETTING OLDER

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

 

"Is it true, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

 

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription bottle is marked

'NO REFILLS'...”

 

***********************

 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery

and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,

and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come and

live with you and your wife...."

 

(I LOVE IT!)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

---------------------------------

 

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

---------------------------------

 

 

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

 

-------------------------------

 

````````````````

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

 

What does your wife look like?'

 

To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,

--- let's look for yours."

 

********************

 

(And this final one especially for me,)

 

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder

and Your hand over my mouth!"

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

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SNARKY HumoUr from the Brits

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

 

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@kthe pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

 

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

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The Chicago Bears football team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

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The Chicago Bears football team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

 

Next year...

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The Chicago Bears NSW State of Origin football team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

 

An Aussie version for you!!! :rolleyes:

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The Chicago Bears NSW State of Origin football team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

An Aussie version for you!!! :rolleyes:

Yer givin away my most excellent source laddie!

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

 

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

Little Johnny shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.

Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man.

So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

 

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

 

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

 

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

 

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

 

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

 

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

 

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

 

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

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Jewish Pregnancy

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.


Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account...


"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."


"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest......?


At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll @#$% her again!"clear.png

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Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, man you look tired.

The buddy says "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do!"

A fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit...!!!"

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The Phone Call

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'





'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,


Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.


'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.


'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'





'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'


A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'





Long Pause







Longer Pause







Even Longer Pause






Then Daddy says,






'Swimming pool? ...........






Is this 486-5731?'

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Q: How many Broncos does it take to change a tire?
A: One. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up.

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How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

Just one if it is a.guy.

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The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place.

The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place.

So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine."

God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona

 

Dear Diary:

 

August 2: Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country. I love it here!

 

October 14: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise!

 

November 11: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here!

 

December 2: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.

 

December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold!

 

December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow!

 

December 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the fucking street, the Asshole!

 

December 25: "White Christmas" my busted ass! More fucking snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid bastard. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.

 

December 28: Guess what? More white shit fell last night. Been inside since Christmas fucking day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white shit 10" is?

 

January 1: Happy Fucking New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white shit this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the shithead driver had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white shit he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his God damned head.

 

January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a God damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the fucker. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer shit-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the fucking hunters had killed them all last November.

 

May 3: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that fucking salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of shit!

 

July 1: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone on their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.

 

July 2: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty". Why do people live anywhere but here?

 

July 3: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state!

 

July 4: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.

 

July 5: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

 

July 7: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.

 

July 10: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.

 

July 15: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20: I missed Tabby our cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat.

 

July 25: Dry Fucking Heat my Ass. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.

 

July 30: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 fucking dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 

August 4: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid ass Mexican repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fucking state.

 

August 8: If another shithead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today", I'm going to tear his fucking throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted fucking Garfield.

 

August 10: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to fuck for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert!

 

August 19: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The Mexican installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

 

August 30: Hottest day of the God damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the fucking pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of fucking needles and every fucking time I fucking attempt to clean the fucking cactus needles out of the fucking pool filter I shred my fucking hands.

That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!!

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Stopped by the chandlery today and the salesman was frantically washing mace out of his eyes!

I asked, "Are you Ok? Were you robbed? Should I call the police?"

 

He muttered something about the woman who just left saying she would be calling the cops.

 

"She came in and said, 'I need I need service. I want rode and something that will go down and hold the bottom.'

"I hardly began to undress her when she used her mace and strolled back out the door."

"

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I would start a list of penis jokes but mine is too long

that's funny I knew a girl that said your list was too short, and couldn't make her giggle.

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I would start a list of penis jokes but mine is too long

that's funny I knew a girl that said your list was too short, and couldn't make her giggle.

I remember that one well. My first case of E.D.

Fortunately I WAS thinking with my penis and the one eyed pant worm went limp at the sight of all those scabs, lesions, warts, and the little crabs.

 

Is she still fooling around with every guy she can find or, since she started her woman to man sex change, has your wife settled down ??

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I would start a list of penis jokes but mine is too long

that's funny I knew a girl that said your list was too short, and couldn't make her giggle.

I remember that one well. My first case of E.D.

Fortunately I WAS thinking with my penis and the one eyed pant worm went limp at the sight of all those scabs, lesions, warts, and the little crabs.

 

Is she still fooling around with every guy she can find or, since she started her woman to man sex change, has your wife settled down ??

She ran off with all my money, and the car too. at least I still have the sailboat so i consider it well worth it.

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They say:

 

If you miss your ex wife you should take more careful aim before firing again

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A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.


The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.