JOD

Joke

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My doctor told me that she was going to give me a digital prostate exam. I expressed relief that the medical profession had finally caught up with the times and computerized that unpleasant process. Then I heard the glove snap.

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Good one Sol! Reminds me of the one where the doc does the 'digit' probe and then tells the patient that he has prostate issues. The patient accepts this but then says that he would like to get a second opinion so the good doc lubes up the middle and index fingers and obliges the guy immediately...

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So, a fireman was busy cleaning the fire engine when he noticed a kid playing "fire truck" with his wagon.

This kid had his dog attached to the wagon by a string and the dog would pull the wagon.

He also had his cat sitting on the wagon but a second string was tied around the cat’s testicles.

The fireman told the kid that, if he put the second string around the cat’s neck and put him out front…his firetruck would go faster.

The kid thought about it for a second and said: “That’s a good idea but, if I did that, I wouldn’t have a siren.”

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10009284_496403570464259_1612743192_n.jp

OMG, I'm dying! :lol::lol:

It's a lucky guy indeed, who doesn't have someone instantly come to mind when seeing that.

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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around - in fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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A blonde female was speeding down the highway in her little red sportscar when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, who happened to be blonde too.

The blonde cop asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was becoming more and more agiteted.

"What does it look like?" the blonde driver asked the blonde cop.

the police woman replied "it's square and has your picture on it"

The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, said "here it is" then gave it to the blonde cop.

The blonde officer looked at it, handed it back to her and said " OK. You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"

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A blonde female was speeding down the highway in her little red sportscar when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, who happened to be blonde too.

The blonde cop asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was becoming more and more agiteted.

"What does it look like?" the blonde driver asked the blonde cop.

the police woman replied "it's square and has your picture on it"

The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, said "here it is" then gave it to the blonde cop.

The blonde officer looked at it, handed it back to her and said " OK. You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"

 

:lol::lol:

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 





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This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

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Daddy , how was I born?

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!

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This may well be a true story, I would not be suprised. But its still funny to read people can be this stupid. We live in a would that is crazy beyond belief!

 

BOY OH BOY, HOW INCOMPETENT AND INEFFICIENT ARE THE YOUNGER GENERATION THESE DAYS. WHO DO WE HAVE TO BLAME FOR THIS – OURSELVES – THE PARENTS !!!!

 

 

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!


Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless

and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!


A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and

March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and

Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had

been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.


A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:


Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'


ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'


Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'


ANZ:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'


Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'


ANZ:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to

the credit bureau, maybe both!'


Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'


ANZ:

'Excuse me?'


Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her

being dead?'


ANZ:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'


ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'


Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'


ANZ:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'


Family Member:

'No, I'm her great nephew.'

(Lawyer info given)


ANZ:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'


Family Member:

'Sure.'

(
fax number is given
)


After they get the fax:


ANZ:

'Our system just isn't set up for death.. I don't know what more I

can do to help.'


Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing

her. I don't think she will care..'


ANZ:

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'


Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'


ANZ:

'That might help.'


Family Member:

' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number

1049.'


ANZ:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'


Family Member:

'Well, what the #*+##* do you do with dead people on your planet?'

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And equally offensive....

 

10006971_631567753575805_2075250287_n.jp

 

HOLY CRAP!!!! WOW, LOVE IT!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

 

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

 

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

 

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

 

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

 

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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Broussard was getting up in age, with the usual cynicism for younger people.

 

One night, Broussard was woken up with chest pains. "Mais, Mama," he said to his wife, "me, I feel lak somethin' done set on mah ches'."

 

Madame Broussard replied, "Mais Ah'm gonna call da doctah."

 

Broussard: "No, don' call dem doctah, damn kid don'know nuthin. Damn my ches' hurts."

 

Madame, being smarter than Broussard, called Dr Boudreaux, who only lived a couple houses down. Dr Boudreaux was shortly at the Broussard house, black bag in hand.

 

Dr Boudreaux: "Mr Broussard, please tell me where it hurts."

 

Broussard: "You da doctah, you suppose' ta know, you."

 

Dr Boudreaux: "Mr Broussard, I'm trying to help you, but you have to tell me what's wrong."

 

Broussard: "You da doctah, you suppose' ta know, you."

 

Dr Boudreaux: "Okay, Ah'm gonna call Dr Melançon, maybe he can help."

 

Broussard: "Dr Melançon? But him da vet, dat one."

 

Dr Boudreaux: "Yeah, but him da only doctah in town who can look a jackass in da eye and know what's wrong wid'im."

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Three logicians walk into a bar.

 

The bartender asks "Does everyone want beer".

 

"I don't know" says the first logician.

"I don't know" says the second logician.

 

"Yes" says the third logician.

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.

"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

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I am pleased ms mainsheetsister has recently crossed path with and found enjoyment in that old standard very clever classic joke.

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I am pleased ms mainsheetsister has recently crossed path with and found enjoyment in that old standard very clever classic joke.

 

I assumed that it had already been posted here before...

 

Saw it elsewhere recently, and it got a laugh from the 15 year-old son.

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Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoke filled room.

 

The chief says, "what are you doing?"

 

"Sir, this man is suffering from smoke inhalation"

 

"Then give him mouth-to-mouth"

 

"I did. How do you think this shit got started?"

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This guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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How do you kill a circus?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

go for the juggler...

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why do jewish men get circumcised?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off!

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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana").

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means:

"Maybe the job will be done tomorrow;

Maybe the next day;

Maybe the day after that;

Or perhaps next week;

Next month;

Next year.

Who really cares?"

The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (aboriginal) who was also on the show.

She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

"Eh" he replied, "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

 

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Lost Wife

 

A husband went to the police station to report his wife missing:

Husband : - Ive lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : - What is her height ?

Husband: - I really never noticed.

Sergeant : - Build?

Husband: - Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : - Color of eyes?

Husband : - Never noticed.

Sergeant : - Color of hair?

Husband : - Changes according to season.

Sergeant : - What was she wearing?

Husband: Dress/suit/ I dont remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : - yes.

Sergeant : - What kind of car was it?

Husband : - Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.. at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant: - Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

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A true story but funny nonetheless.

 

A friend of mine works in office close to an undertaker's premises and he uses their staff car park. One morning during a mild winter, he's walking from his car in company with the owner of the undertaker firm and by way of conversation asks how business is.

 

The undertaker replies, with a straight face,

 

"Not great, we could do with a decent cold snap."

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When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "some may be repeats but who has time to look through 45 pages?

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a guy sees a lovey lady at a bar and starts up a conversation. He asks her her name and she replies "Carmen". he says, "Carmen, nice name. Are you of Spanish decent??" "No." she replies, "I gave myself that name. It's a combination of the two things i love the most. Cars and Men." "oh" replies the man. "My name is John Titsandbeer "

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Bob and Rose are on vacation in Jamaica, and they are having a great time.

One night, at the restaurant, Bob excuses himself and goes to the restroom.

A big tall Jamaican comes to the urinal next to him.

Without malicious intentions, Bob glances at him and notice that his neighbor has a tattoo on his sex.

 

Bob is intrigued; he has a tattoo as well on his sex! Curiosity takes over and he has to ask the Jamaican.

 

"I hope you do not mind, but I just noticed that you had a tattoo on your sex... and I do too!

You see, mine reads "RE", but actually, when I am in full erection, it reads the name of my wife,

 

ROSE

 

I saw that yours was "WY", I bet it is the name of your girlfriend or your wife...

Don't tell me! Don't tell me, let me guess.....

WENDY?"

 

"Oh no, mine was paid for by the Jamaican Tourism Office."

 

"Jamaican Tourism Office???" asked Bob.

 

"Yes! And when I have an erection, it reads:

WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY

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Am no sure if our sceptic bruthers will git thees. Tha needs ta understand thee ax sent. Especially wit 18 carat.

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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MISSING WIFE
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door......................and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

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Pretty sure I've seen this one here before, but just in case

 

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

 

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.

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Holy shit! I just realised that the S A Joke thread is actually older than Facebook!

 

And probably a better read too. Thanks for nothing Mr Fuckerberg, you owe me a whole lotta time.

 

And what ever happened to the O/P "JOD"? - haven't seen anything from him here for a loooong time

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That look says " I'll never live long enough to work long enough to pay for 4 college educations _and_ 4 weddings. Doubt he'll have any trouble marrying them off - very attractive family.

 

the look on that guy's face..

 

1394591019473161.jpg

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Has to be here:

 

 

That's hilarious...

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looks like Pat Goss from Goss' Garage..

 

 

Imagine the look on his face every 27-29 days when all the ladies are on the same cycle....

 

no thanks I'll just die...



the look on that guy's face..

1394591019473161.jpg

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Wife looks quite fukable though

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Wife looks quite fukable though

She is a ginger. You don't want to go there.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, maybe once or twice.

 

 

 

But use a fake ID and leave town after.

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So the Germans decided to make football more palatable to USA residents by scoring a touchdown against 11 Brazillion defenders. The Home team kept trying to play soccer

 

Meanwhile, folks all over the USA were fascinated anyone could scorecard touchdown against those 11 Brazillion defenders. How many are cygnets in a Brazillion anyway??

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Wife looks quite fukable though

She is a ginger. You don't want to go there.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, maybe once or twice.

 

 

 

But use a fake ID and leave town after.

if you are that afraid of a ginger then you should get in one more. They are always fun. just very emotional. Riding the waves of their emotions is like sailing down wind in swells. You just have to keep your eyes up and pray you don't broach.

 

besides that man deserves free beer. look at that family. damn.

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Wife looks quite fukable though

She is a ginger. You don't want to go there.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, maybe once or twice.

 

 

 

But use a fake ID and leave town after.

if you are that afraid of a ginger then you should get in one more. They are always fun. just very emotional. Riding the waves of their emotions is like sailing down wind in swells. You just have to keep your eyes up and pray you don't broach.

 

besides that man deserves free beer. look at that family. damn.

He does deserve several beers.

 

As to gingers. Been there. Done that. Not without drama and offers to join me overnight after I dropped off the lady I was with that night and then stalking me for a few months, including 4:00 AM calls. As you say, always fun but watch that broach!

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As to gingers. Been there. Done that. Not without drama and offers to join me overnight after I dropped off the lady I was with that night and then stalking me for a few months, including 4:00 AM calls. As you say, always fun but watch that broach BITCH!

Fixed. Damn skank showed up on our doorstep Sunday afternoon. Jeeze, crazy doesn't begin to describe her then and now.

 

TOG

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i got stopped by the cops the other night and they asked if i had been drinking. i said, why...are there two big fat chicks in the back seat?

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A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."



"You shouldn't say that over the radio." replies the operator. "You have to use politically correct terminology.”



"OK" he says, "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

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Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

 

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

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A nursed walked into the bank this afternoon, grabbed a deposit ticket, pulled a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tried to write.

 

"Damnit!! Some asshole's got my pen!"

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Give a person head and make that person happy for now

 

Teach that person to masturbate and the person can self pleasure forever

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Sensitivity test for men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss NFL Insider.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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If there really was a glass ceiling in the workplace,

I'm pretty sure we'd let all the women work above us

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My German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten,when we have sex.Last night for instance,i rammed my cock right up her arse,and she yelled "Nien Nien"...Thats my best score yet!

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There’s three blokes at a BA meeting - Bestiality Anonymous

The group leader asked the first bloke, “how’s it been going Bob?

Bob replies” I’m going well, as you know I had a fetish with goats, I haven’t had sex with a goat for six months.

That’s very good says the group leader.

“OK what about you Trevor?”

NZer Trevor replied “Going really well, He bru, I haven’t had the urge to have 'six' with a 'ship' for 12 months.

“Fantastic Trevor.”

“And Dan how are you going….”

Dan looks real happy with himself.

He said well since our last meeting I’ve been f***ing that frozen bird every night. And it seems to be going well.

The other blokes are all shocked.

The group leader said "Oh no Dan, that’s terrible, what happened?"

Dan said, "It’s not my fault, you’re the one at the last meeting who told me to try cold turkey."

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I was reading an article in the paper the other day about a midget getting robbed. How could someone stoop that low?

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

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A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

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A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.

Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”

“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

The psychiatrist replied, "Well that's fine for home, but what happens when you sleep at a hotel or at your girlfriends house?"

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And

 

 

A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

The psychiatrist replied, "Well that's fine for home, but what happens when you sleep at a hotel or at your girlfriends house?"

And his reply was: " I never travel without a saw these days!"

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Didja hear about the new standard feature on Chevy pickups? Heated bumpers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So your hands don't get cold when you have to push in the winter

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Didja hear about the new standard feature on Chevy pickups? Heated bumpers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So your hands don't get cold when you have to push in the winter

 

Why would you reach down to the bumper? Why not push on the rear screen and use the rear window demister to keep your hands warm like they do with Lada's?

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

the wierdo who photobombs on the left, girl far left is like '"get him off me.. NOW"

 

 

 

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

woud haft to saye yes....... :)

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

they look like twins to me.

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tumblr_nc0dvu8DaP1rt4n3no1_500.jpg

I wonder if they leave the engine running while it is in the hanger?

 

The hangar? I'm confused. You mean, like, landing short of the runway?

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Murphy, the Newfie, drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls buttered side down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir…."

"But wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen in Newfoundland , quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle" because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!

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You are going to have to do more than post a YouTube link. I've sworn off clicking void-ho bombs.

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