JOD

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

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OMG! For the first time in my life I'm speechless.

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Little Johnny.....

 

Little Johnny's teacher askes the class "who is a Hillary Clinton fan"? Everyone in class, wanting to please the teacher raises their hand except for little Johnny. Teacher is a bit confused by Johnny not raising his hand and questions him why he is not a fan. Little Johnny responds that his father is a Republican and his Mother is a Republican and they are not Hillary Clinton fans, so neither is he. Teacher responds with "if your Mom is a moron and your Dad is an idiot, what would that make you?" Without hesitation, Little Johnny responds "a Hillary Clinton fan!"

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A Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black,
responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

New keyboard required....

did not see this one coming at all.

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11831701_1487775208186538_76026107866565

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Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.

"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.

"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.

She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.

"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.

"Sure, all the time," her friend says.

"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.

"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!" :D

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, 'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable to the wife, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'
After the previous morning, the wife could not allow another silent response. She rolled over and grabbed her husband's floppy bit. With a death grip in place, she said, 'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!'

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

New keyboard required....

did not see this one coming at all.

 

Outfuckingstanding!

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite??? ...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

New keyboard required....did not see this one coming at all.
Outfuckingstanding!

and remember kiddies, your only gay if your balls touch.

 

nttawwt.

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So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

 

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

 

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

 

The clerk said, “Fuck off, get out and stay out!”

 

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a Muslim Book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

 

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

 

I imagine I didnt look like his normal clientele, so I asked, Do you have a copy of Donald Trumps book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?

 

The clerk said, Fuck off, get out and stay out!

 

I said, Yes, thats the one. Do you have it in paperback?

i can't stand Hillary but damn it if anyone can get Hillary to win the presidency it is Trump.

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11175028_10152739217012623_9125080621096

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This is the honest truth!

 

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,

then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

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Thibodeaux aks Boudreaux: "Mais, how come dem scuba divahs, dey always fall backwards off dey boats, huh?"

 

Boudreaux: "Kee-yaw, you a dumb coonass, you! If dem scuba divah fell fo'wards, he fall IN da boat, not out of it, no!"

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A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I really need to get myself a new boat" I thought to myself

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I just heard that some of the subscribers to AshleyMadison.com were actually single dudes looking for easy hookups. What cheaters they are!

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spl1107217-015.jpg

They'd have loved her in Greco-Roman times - Venus/Aphridite reborn. As-is I don't think she could drown, unless like cats and tris she floats bottom up and doesn't self-right...😛

 

Interesting topic - any naval architect here wanna attempt a righting curve on Kim?

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Two dirty beggars are sitting on a corner in Rome coin cups at thier feet.One has a large gold cross on chain at his neck. The other a"Star of David". The.first regularly empties his take in a hidden pocket. The other remains empty. The pope walks by sees the two. His eminence says.to the first " It is curious that in the very heart of the Christian world you wear the Jewish star. The pope tosses a handful of coins in the first cup and leaves. Matzi, the first turns to Joshua, the second beggar and say " Funny, the pope lecturing the Epstein brothers on marketing!

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The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “Toppy, I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said...
“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

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My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom.
I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby chemist.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KA PAER, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'Sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

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cheapchippyPeacemaker

Adelaide Other teams:Dallas Cowboys, San Diego PadresJoined:May 01Posts:12,792Location:Beetaloo Valley

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

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I have decided to buy a racehorse!

I'm going to call it "My Face".

I don't care if it doesn't win a race,

or doesn't make me any money.

I just wanna hear thousands of those

posh bitches @ Flemington shouting

"Come on My Face"

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I really need to get myself a new boat" I thought to myself

 

OMG - you so owe me a new laptop. FUUUUUUUCK!

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doc."

 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten

seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.

It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed tap

water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for Joe hurries back

to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,

pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. twins. They aren't yours. Get lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your

elbow will never get better. Thank you

for shopping at Aldi.

That made me laugh

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Understanding English hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

 

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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Two men are lost in the desert, and have been trudging through the sand for days.
The men are badly dehydrated and close to death when they spot a small market off in the distance.
"Oh thank God!" they cry, and run to the closest stall, where an arab is working.
"Please sir, do you have any water?" they ask.
"No my friend. We sell only jelly and custard." the man replies.
The two men wander further into the market and find an Indian man working in a small booth.
"Water, please. Do you have any water?" they cry.
"My apologies good sirs, but I have only jelly or custard for sale."
Becoming desperate, the men rush to every stall in the market but are met with the same reply each time.
"No water, only jelly and custard."
Eventually the men give up and trudge out of the market, downhearted.
As they make their way back into the desert one man says to the other:
"A market in the middle of the desert with no water, but loads of jelly and custard... That was pretty strange."
"Yes," his friend added. "It was a trifle bazaar."

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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground. "

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp. "

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous peenis, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle……… at ze beginning."

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

 

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

 

 

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

 

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

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My wife asked me if I had any fantasies.

I said "Yeah I've got this one where were complete strangers and we've never met".

 

"Ohhh" she said "And then you pick me up in a bar or something?"

 

 

 

 

"No" I replied "Just the first bit!"

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What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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One for the golfers.............Caddy responses!!!

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . .. We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .

An old favourite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . ..

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end

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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground. "

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp. "

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous peenis, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle……… at ze beginning."

 

OMG! :lol:

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot took his new girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre, and says,

"Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabsa bottle of Merlot and splashes it across her face.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" stammered the startled Marie

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles, and they start kissing.

 

Things heat up a little, and Marie asks

"Pierre, kiss me lower"

Pierre tore through her lacy blouse, and doused her breasts in Chardonnay.

"Pierre! What are you doing?"

"I am Pierre the fighter Pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

 

Things start to properly steam up at this point

Marie leans in breathlessly, and whispers

"Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre ripped off her underwear, pulled out a bottle of brandy and poured it liberally across her lap, before tossing the empty bottle away.

He pulls a box of matches, strikes one, tossing it onto her moist flesh. WoooF!

Marie stands up screaming, yelling

"Pierre, what in hell do you think you are doing?"

 

Defiantly he cried: "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground. "

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp. "

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous peenis, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle at ze beginning."

OMG! :lol:

Heard that one years ago about a guy doing his first jump in the 101st. Good then. I like it better Frenchified.

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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The German army prefers to march in the shade.

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This salesman walks into a fancy bar on the 60th floor of a new highrise, sits down and orders a drink. The guy sitting next to him is a bit tipsy, and he looks over and says "I bet you didn't know this but the winds this high up are so strong you can jump out the window and they'll blow you back in." The salesman looks doubtful, so the second guy hops off the barstool, runs and jumps through the window... falls for a bit and then wooooosh comes back in through the window, landing on his feet. The salesman says "holy shit that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen..." and so he runs and jumps through the window, falling to his death. The bartender looks up and says,

 

You're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman

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Sarcasm:

 

English teacher states that two positives cannot make a negative and gives an example: "I don't know nothing" therefore I must know something. Again states it is impossible in the English language for two positives to be a negative.

 

Guy in the back says, "yeah, right!'.

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Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY

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I'm very sad my pet Dalmatian has died, but at least now my house will be spotless.

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More For those who don't know the jokes in the punchline thread :

 

Every day all year Betsy brought a little box of raisins for her teacher

 

One day Betsy stopped.

After a week of no raisins the Teacher finally asked,"Why did you stop bringing raisins?"

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

My rabbit died.

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A man dies and goes straight to Hell. He is greeted by The Devil, who offers to show him around.

"What are you standing there looking so sad and frightened about, my friend? Don't believe that BS they teach you in church! Hell is f*** awesome! You can indulge in every sin and vice you want.....and there's never any consequences for you, because you're already dead! How great is that?! Do you drink?"

"Um..sure, yeah I drink", the man mutters nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays", the Devil responds. "From expensive French champagne to the most exotic spirits, whatever your fancy, on Mondays you can drink as much as you want. And you'll never get drunk or hungover, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, I smoke", the man says, a bit less nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Tuesdays. From the finest Cuban cigars to the old Sherlock Holmes pipe, on Tuesdays you can do nothing but smoke. And you'll never get lung cancer, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you do drugs?"

Feeling more confident now, the man confides "Well...in my youth, you know...I experimented a little"

"Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays. Uppers, downers, poppers, mind-benders. From cough syrup to Colombia's finest, on Wednesdays you can take as many drugs as you want. And you'll never get addicted or overdose, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like to party?"

The man is excited now, and declares 'Yeah! I love to party!"

"Well, you're gonna love Thursdays. From a calypso carnival to a nightclub rave, however you like to party, on Thursdays you can party all day and all night! And you'll never get tired or partying, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like women?"

The man is jumping out his skin now "F**k yeah!! I love women!!"

"Well you're gonna love Fridays. Three girls for every guy, young girls, old girls, white, Asian, black...any fantasy you want will be fulfilled on Fridays! And you'll never have to worry about protection or STDs, because you're already dead! How great is that! Are you gay? Do you like 12 inches taking you in the ass??"

Shocked, the man quickly says "NO! NO, absolutely not!!"

The Devil suddenly looks subdued and embarassed. "Oh......er.....well.......you're REALLY gonna hate Saturdays and Sundays......"

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Subject: DO YOU BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCE?

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

"What a coincidence" - said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me...I am celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

"What a coincidence." - said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome." said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster." he said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England rugby team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

fixed

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions England rugby football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

fixed

 

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An Englishman walks into a bar, alone. There's normally a Scotsman, Welshman, and Irishman, there as well, but they're still all at the rugby world cup..

 

(courtesy of FB..)

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What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

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A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The fighter pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The fighter pilot smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.

From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.

The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV. A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here."

He begins to have sex with her the whole night.

She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.

At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited. He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"

One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Old Maid Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

That's how I KNOW God is a woman. I know I am going to hell but I don't know why.

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A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

 

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He put the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

 

Holding the shot of Baileys in his mouth, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

 

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

 

...at two seconds the Baileys curdles...

 

...at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

 

This trigger his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his grilfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

 

 

 

She smiles widely and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'.

Without the salt its called a 'Cement Mixer'.

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

 

Funniest_Memes_a-day-may-come-when-men-u

 

women.jpg

 

9e80cc3945_Funny-Memes-----Women-should-

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We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the cashier to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without any hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashiers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old guy, named frank tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you”

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The IRS Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
 
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
 
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Butch, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years; he's the future.
I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. 

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. 

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Jamesons Whiskey and a dozen Budwiesers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
 
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
 
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?" :lol:

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
"Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man said "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

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A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

 

“So, you’re a politician…”

 

“Well, yes, is that a problem?”

 

“Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

 

“Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!” says the politician. “Those are the rules,” replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?

“Open your eyes!” says a voice. “C’mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!” Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. “Who are you??” The politician asks.

 

“Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. “Welcome to Hell!”

 

“Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks.

 

Satan throws him a wink. “Oh, we’ve been a bit misrepresented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…”

 

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

 

“It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question.

 

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

 

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… and is woken up by St Peter.

 

“So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” “No sir!” says the man. “So then,” says St Peter. “You can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on.”

 

“Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell,” says the politician. “Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

 

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. “What’s this??” He cries. “Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”

 

“Ah”, says Satan. “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.”

 

 

 

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The teacher asks the question of the class. "If there are three birds on a telephone pole and someone shoots one, how many are left?"

 

Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher says (with great agony) 'Yes, Johnny?"

 

Johnny says "No birds are left". The teacher say "No that's wrong, there are two birds left, why did you say there weren't any?"

 

John say "Because the gun shot scared the other two away"

 

The teacher says 'Well that's not right. But, I like the way you think"

 

Johnny becomes very thoughtful and say "Teacher, may I ask you a question?"

 

The teacher who at this point becomes rather afraid of what the question may be says yes anyways.

 

Johnny asks "if there are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles and one is biting her popsicle, one is licking her popsicle, and one is sucking on her popsicle. Which one is married?"

 

The teacher answers "The one sucking on the popsicle, of course"

 

Johnny replies "No it's the one with the wedding ring. But, I like the way you think"

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Translated from French, I hope my translation keeps the gist of it...

 

 

Please create your password​

carrot

Sorry, your password must have more than 8 characters

gi@ntcarrot

Sorry, your password must contain at least one digit

1gi@ntcarrot

Sorry, your password cannot contain special characters

50fuckinggiantcarrots

Sorry, your password must contain at least one uppercase letter

50FUCKINGgiantcarrots

Sorry, your password cannot contain successive uppercase letter

50FuckingGiantCarrotsThatIamGoingToShoveUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeImmediatelyAccess!!!

Sorry, your password cannot contain punctuation characters

BeCarefuleNowIamGoingToFindYouAndReallyShoveUpThose50GiantCarrotsUpYourAssIfYouContinue

Sorry, this password is already taken

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Teacher asks Little Johny; "If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"

 

 

Little Johny; "Five"

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The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships.......... 2 full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack

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AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

 

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

 

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

 

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

 

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

 

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

 

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

 

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

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A doctor says to his patient, "Bob, you've really got to quit masturbating."

The patient says, "Why Doc?"

The doctor replies, "So I can finish my examination of you."

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What's the best thing a about dating a homeless woman? Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere.

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A blonde became quite upset after her dog went missing. Her friend suggested placing an ad in the Lost and Found section of the newspaper. After one month nobody had responded to the ad.
"What did you write in the ad?" the friend asked.
The blonde replied, "Here boy!" :ph34r:

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After years of pain while having sex the last few times have been painless. Or maybe I've just become used to the pepper spray :ph34r::ph34r:

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Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.

So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

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A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.

"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."

"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.

"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."

"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.

This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.

The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a @#$% cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God

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Getting my second kid through college. Paying off the loans for the first. Yeah, $600,000 is more like it

 

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"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably s**t." -

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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in hospital, in agony.
He was in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring
every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating
each word and syllable.

"You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
And that my friend, is a positive attitude

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Bloke following a horse float late at night sees four legs pointing up & realises the horse has flipped over inside the trailer. After flashing his lights a few times the float pulls over & the bloke goes to see the driver to tell him his horse has flipped over, stunned the driver gets out with a torch shines it into the float & says to the bloke I'm an emu farmer.

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

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Credit to Pyefleet-/

 

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

Man-78-recounts-assault-by-6-youths-in-E

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