JOD

Joke

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Credit to Pyefleet-/

 

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

Man-78-recounts-assault-by-6-youths-in-E

_________________

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6587_bf87_390.jpeg

I am thankfully a complete neophyte in these matters but from what I have gleaned in the incredibly short time I have spent on the internet, it appears the wrong end of the goat may be represented in the image you posted, though I would strongly support any efforts to remove the dicks from the dicks you have indicated as the users of the goat.

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6587_bf87_390.jpeg

 

I think it's about time Susan Boyle put out another album.

Seems every time these Arabs get a look at an actual virgin, suicide bombings stop happening.

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Seen, carved on a desk, at my daughter high school:

 

I hate 3 things:

- lists

- vandalism

- irony

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The bartender at a local bar in Broken Hill was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops would win the money. Many people tried over the years . . . weightlifters, miners bikers, dock workers, etc., but nobody was able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar. He ordered a glassof draft and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said. "OK." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it . . . then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon . . . and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a trucker, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for The Australian Taxation Office."

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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

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Why do blondes have clear lunchboxes?

 

 

 

So they can tell whether they are on the way to work, or going home.

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken"

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA, He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I most admired.

 

I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

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A guy and a blonde are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and said, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

 

"What's that mean?" asked the woman.

 

"That," answered the guy, "is an authentic Irish toast."

 

"Oh, I see. Well, then, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

 

"What's that?" asked the guy.

 

The blonde said, "That's French toast."

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Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But oh no, not MY mum!

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Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

HA! :lol:

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You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But oh no, not MY mum!

Sen fucking sational !

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My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I packed her things and left.

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An old man lies on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son Bernie, I want you to take the houses on Main Street. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments at the east end of town. My son James, I want you to take the offices over in the city centre, and Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and the witnesses are blown away as they didn't realise the old man had such extensive holdings. As the old man slips away, the nurse says to the grieving wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "Property?Hell! He delivered the morning paper!"

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Clive: let's form a band!
Ulrika: what's shall we name it?
Neil: let's do what ABBA did!
Toni: bad idea

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a fly screen door in a cylone."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore."

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Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.

So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., "What's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doesn't matter, he can't come anyway!

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm gettin' it on with Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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What Deep Thinkers Retired Men Are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

 

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marlboro.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

because you take him out for a drag.

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A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..



When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.



The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.



The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.



The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.



While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.



The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.



The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."


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Two irishman were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One said to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest irishman asks his pal, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'
The second irishman replies......"No, but it shouldnt be long now, all her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

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Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?

 

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

 

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.

 

So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

OMG, I did not see that one coming. <_<

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Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?

 

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

 

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.

 

So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

OMG, I did not see that one coming. <_<

 

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HELGA’S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuit
short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter -
The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first
one - and I can't wait.
--------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
-----------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the
deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
-----------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner
with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar
and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told
him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought
me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to
visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did
not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship .... I was
shocked.
-----------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives…

Twice !

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Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday.

 

 

Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time.

 

 

 

 

He went fecking ballistic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us

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One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ass.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word 'ass in the classroom, it's rectum.'

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Warbird, that's terrible... made me laugh very hard at the awkwardness

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Celibacy can be a
choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a
Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It
is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each
other."

He then addressed
the men.

"Can you name and
describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over,
touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

"Gold Medal
-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began
Frank's life of celibacy.

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My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

 

 

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

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A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.

 

I want to make this a perfect shot."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

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TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS...

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

 

I have two female parrots,But they only know to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

 

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,Then he thought for a moment......

 

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.

 

I have two male talking parrots,which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

 

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

 

'Thank you,' the woman responded,'this may very well be the solution.'

 

The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

 

As he ushered her in,She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

 

Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

 

After a few minutes,The female parrots cried out in unison:

 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence...

 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says...

 

'Put the beads away, Frank,Our prayers have been answered !!!

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

 

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

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"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

 

No further testing is planned."

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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

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Little Janey comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean,Janey? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Janey.

 

"It's salty."

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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!"

 

 

The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."

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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

 

 

 

 

 

 

... but no one will do it.

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One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

 

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.

 

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

 

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ass.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word 'ass in the classroom, it's rectum.'

 

 

I see what you did there.

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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauted them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,"Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now..." and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

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Dating in the 60's

Pete and Jane were swell kids who had a crush on one another. Eventually, after a soda at the high school cafeteria with friends, Pete worked up the courage to ask Jane out on a date.

"Say, Jane, you're looking swell today," said Pete.

"Thanks Pete," said Jane, "you too."

After an awkward silence, Pete continued.

"Say Jane," he said, "I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything, aww, shucks don't worry about it..."

Pete began to walk off, but Jane stopped him.

"I'd love to..." She said, taking his arm.

Pete looked down at her arm in his then up at her face, then down at her arm again, in disbelief.

"Well," Jane continued, "you were going to ask me out, weren't you?"

"Was I!!" Replied Pete, "you bet!"

They both laughed, their friends laughed, the cafeteria staff in their crisp white uniforms all laughed. The principal came in and he laughed too. Then the bell went and everybody went back to class.

The next few days passed quickly as Pete and Jane waited excitedly for their big date. It was all the talk around the bleachers at school. Would he take her up to make out lane? Would they get to second base?

Saturday came and the sun was shining. Mr Brown was walking his dog early and waved hello to Pete who was returning from his paper route. Life was A-ok.

Pete spent an enjoyable day helping out at the local community hall as they prepared for the local town fair the next day. Several people remarked what a responsible young man he was becoming.

Eventually, day turned to evening and Pete readied himself for his date. He put on his best blue tuxedo with frilly shirt and asked Dad if he could borrow the car.

"You be careful son." his father replied.

At 7pm sharp Pete arrived to pick Jane up.

"Promise you'll have her back by 10:30," said Jane's father sternly.

"Daddy!" Said Jane.

"I will Mr Farelly." promised Pete.

An awkward silence befell them in the car as they drove to the movie house. Eventually, Pete got up the courage to break it.

"Aaw heck Jane!" he said, "We've known each what feels like forever, can we just relax and have a swell time?"

Jane smiled happily, her braces shining in the evening sun.

"I'd like that." She said

The rest of the car trip they laughed and joked with one another. Pete told Jane about how he'd made quarterback in the school team, Jane told Pete how she'd become head cheerleader.

They had a groovy time at the movie, they shared a popcorn and a Coke between them, the Coke with two straws.

After the movie Pete plucked up the courage to ask if Jane would like to go for a drive to make out lane. Blushing, she said she would.

Nerves jangling in their stomachs, Pete parked the car up at make out point and turned the music up a little. In the still of the night was playing.

Pete shuffled closer to Jane and put his arm around her shoulder. They both leaned in to one another nervously, ready to kiss. As they did, they were startled by a tap on the window. Immediately Pete began to panic. Was it the police? Was it Jane's father? Panicking, he quickly rolled down the window, and neither of them had any time to think about what was happening before they both HAD THEIR HEADS BLOWN OFF BY THE ZODIAC KILLER!!!

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Farmer Is Worried About His Brand New Rooster's Behavior, Until He Hears This
By Anonymous User

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.


The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the hen house, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times. The farmer is shocked.
Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset, Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive – animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”

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I don't get it. Where are you ment to keep yoghurt?

 

Well, I hear "throat yogurt" will keep for quite a while in its original container. But once you open it, its got a very short shelf life and is best swallowed right away. :lol:

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1463410_871336149678938_7805962513309729

 

Honestly, I really tried hard not to laugh......

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My wife phoned me and said "I'm so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits."

"Of course it fits," I replied "You were 9 months pregnant when we were married."

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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two nuns riding their bicycles on a cobblestone street

"i don't think i've come this way before"
"must be the cobbles"

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At a Convent in the mid-eighteenth century...

 

The Mother Superior called out to the dormitory floor: "Candles out, girls!"

 

*Pop!*

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Two nuns sneaking back into the convent late at night, over the wall, across, the lawn, up the drainpipe, across the roof, in the window.

 

"D'you know, Sister, I feel like a soldier!"

 

"So do I Sister, but where would we get one this late hour?"

 

(Boom Boom!)

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Two nuns in a bath...

 

nun 1 - "where's the soap?"

nun 2 - "yes, it does rather, doesn't it"

 

I have obviously not had enough coffee yet this am. I'm struggling with this one.....

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Two nuns in a bath...

 

nun 1 - "where's the soap?"

nun 2 - "yes, it does rather, doesn't it"

 

I have obviously not had enough coffee yet this am. I'm struggling with this one.....

 

 

Where's / wears

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Two nuns in a bath...

 

nun 1 - "where's the soap?"

nun 2 - "yes, it does rather, doesn't it"

 

I have obviously not had enough coffee yet this am. I'm struggling with this one.....

 

 

Where's / wears

 

 

:o

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I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.

"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my ipod.

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

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I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.

"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

 

"Except that." I replied.

My Mum thought she might pamper herself and book in for a nice facial.

Then she Googled it....

 

Then she thought it would be a good idea to have the whole family around for a Spit Roast...

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At a Convent in the mid-eighteenth century...

 

The Mother Superior called out to the dormitory floor: "Candles out, girls!"

 

*Pop!*

OK Sisters,

Candles out

Candles in

Candles out...

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The Ark story on the front page and the quote "people were smarter before the Flood" reminded me of an old Mark Twain story. An old money southern family was still hanging on in faded glory at the old plantation after the war, and had even hired back some of their former slaves. They were entertaining Northern guests over drinks with tales of glory that was the Old South, when apparently everything was better. One guest remarked on the beauty of the full moon, and the long-suffering maid had heard enough. "Lawd, suh, you shoulda seen dat moon befo de war!"

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EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING! AUSSIE STYLE

 

 

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

 

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

 

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

 

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

 

She didn't jump.........

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Grandpa The Gambler

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

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Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.

They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

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Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.

 

They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

 

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

 

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

 

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

 

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

 

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

 

That finally explains Mike Woof.

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If Trump wins the election........it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire has moved into public housing that has been vacated by a black family.

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

 

"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon."

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My internet is running so slow that by time this porn movie is downloaded, the girl in it will be legal

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Duck to Bartender: "Got any bread?"

 

Bartender to Duck: "No"

 

Duck: "Got any bread?"

 

Bartender "No."

 

Duck: "Got any bread?"

 

Bartender "No! and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your goddamn beak to the fucking bar!"

 

Duck: "Got any nails?"

 

Bartender: "No!"

 

Duck: "Got any bread?"

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A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

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My 7 year old son's favourite joke of the moment:

 

KNOCK KNOCK

 

WHO'S THERE?

 

INTERRUPTING COW

 

INTER....

 

MOO!

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Two women are sitting in a bar. The first woman says, “And where about in Ireland are ya from?”
The other woman answers, “I'm from Dublin , I am.”
The first one responds, “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?”
The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”
The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other woman answers, “Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.”The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”
Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

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Interrupting cow is good. next time try "interrupting starfish". When he starts to say "interrupting starfish who?" clamp your hand over his face.

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Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?

 

A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

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Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.

 

They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

 

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

 

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

 

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

 

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

 

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

 

That finally explains Mike Woof.

 

 

That's a Trump Joke jibs, try to keep up.

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Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

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