JOD

Joke

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A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother. " The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). 'Anything? 'he asked. 'Yes, yes, anything.' the blonde promised. 'Well then, just follow me, 'said the man as he walked towards the next room

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

'Come in and close the door " the man said.

She did..... He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.'"Now take down my zipper". She did.

'"Now go ahead, take it out"....he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then

paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well then............ go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said.......... "Hello Mum........ Can you hear me?'

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Sooo bad it's almost funny:

 

"Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is

absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his

new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

 

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and

shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a Jazz chord !".

 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied

career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then

goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

 

The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

 

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really

tears the place apart.

 

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

 

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

 

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage

 

"OK smart ass! You get up here and do it!"

 

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ...

 

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

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Jacko......FACK!!....OK, payback!

 

Dumb fuck duplication, please ignore

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Fack! The one thread I follow.... and I still find room to fuck up! Oh well , I guess worse things'll happen as life goes by. I'll piss it off b4 OPD spots it though....

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Good kiwi joke :lol:

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

 

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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Fack! The one thread I follow.... and I still find room to fuck up! Oh well , I guess worse things'll happen as life goes by. I'll piss it off b4 OPD spots it though....

Your lucky Grumpy , I was winding up the seppo's in PA for shits and giggles, you got away with it this time ;)

 

 

So what did I miss please <_<

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If you have ever hired anyone you will relate.

 

Job evaluations:

 

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

 

 

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

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a guy see this latter and decides to climb up it

on the first stop he see this hot chic and she says "you can stay here and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or go up to succes"

the man says a succes is more important so he goes up

on the next stop he sees an even hotter chic and she says"you can have all the food and drinks you want and never get hungry and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or you can go up to succes"

the man says a job is more important so he goes up

on the next stop he sees the hottest chic hes ever seen and she says" you can have millions of dollars, all the food and drinks you want and never get hungry and have amazing sex with me for the rest of your life or you can go up to succes"

the man says he will make money when he get succes so he goes up

he reaches the next stop and there is an ugly old fat guy with a shirt that says Ces on it

 

what kinda man would do that , he must be gay or somin?!?! :P

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This guy walks into a bar. The barman notices that he has frog sitting on his head. So the barman says: "Hey buddy, I think you've got a problem there"

And the frog says: "Yeah, and it started as a pimple on my bum".

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Why is bubble wrap better than a woman.

 

Because when you pop it, it makes and pleasant sound and then it stops.

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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, "Hey, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents

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Beer Consumption

 

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

 

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

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A Kiwi and an Aussie were walking home from the pub, and came across a sheep with her head stuck in a barbed wire fence. the Kiwi looked about, and seeing nobody around sauntered over and had his way with the sheep. After he's done, he walks back over and says to the Aussie "OK mate, your turn now!"

So the Aussie goes over and sticks his head in the fence.....

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A Kiwi and an Aussie were walking home from the pub, and came across a sheep with her head stuck in a barbed wire fence. the Kiwi looked about, and seeing nobody around sauntered over and had his way with the sheep. After he's done, he walks back over and says to the Aussie "OK mate, your turn now!"

So the Aussie goes over and sticks his head in the fence.....

Geezus Phats...you didn't say you had a brother m8 :lol::lol:

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A Kiwi and an Aussie were walking home from the pub, and came across a sheep with her head stuck in a barbed wire fence. the Kiwi looked about, and seeing nobody around sauntered over and had his way with the sheep. After he's done, he walks back over and says to the Aussie "OK mate, your turn now!"

So the Aussie goes over and sticks his head in the fence.....

Geezus Phats...you didn't say you had a brother m8 :lol::lol:

Yeah close kept family secret.....why do you want to meet him or something? :unsure::unsure::lol::lol:

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A Kiwi and an Aussie were walking home from the pub, and came across a sheep with her head stuck in a barbed wire fence. the Kiwi looked about, and seeing nobody around sauntered over and had his way with the sheep. After he's done, he walks back over and says to the Aussie "OK mate, your turn now!"

So the Aussie goes over and sticks his head in the fence.....

Geezus Phats...you didn't say you had a brother m8 :lol::lol:

Yeah close kept family secret.....why do you want to meet him or something? :unsure::unsure::lol::lol:

Nahh m8...thanks anyway....more than one in a room at any time is more chips than silicon valley. :blink::P:):D

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You may be a sailing bum if...

 

1. you think a Rhodes Scholar is someone who knows all about a famous boat designer...

2. any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine...

3. you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear...

4. your doctor reports your injuries to Abuse Authorities...

5. you think rum is the official state drink..

6. your best shoes are Topsiders...

7. your car's hood ornament is the top off of a sailing trophy...

8.your idol is Jimmy Buffet...

9. your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices...

10. you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight...

11.your underwear has a North Sails logo...

12. your bar tab equals your paycheck...

13.you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast...

14.you use a marlin spike to break sunburn blisters...

15. you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times...

16.you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room...

17.you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer...

18.you have a Jell-O mold in the shape of a J/22...

19. your vacation plans center around championship regattas...

20.you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart..

21. you think of duct tape as a long term investment..

22. you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie...

23. you wear a sailing cap to church..

24. people are afraid to touch your foul weather gear...

25.you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift...

26.you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin...

27.your wind instruments cost $2,000, and you have a bucket for a head...

28.the local boat yard's phone number is number one on your speed dialer...

29. you'll marry a girl just to keep a good fore deck person...

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Two, not too bright, sailors sank their boat and ended up in the life raft. After three days (one without water, two without food and three without beer) they felt something bouncing up against the raft. When they looked, they found an oil lamp. After deciding that it probably wasn't a genie, they decided to try anyway. Sure enough, out pops a genie with an attitude. "I know your types, three wishes and back in the bottle. So I will only grant you one wish and I will be gone." The genius of the two blurts out " I want all the beer we could ever drink in a lifetime." The genie replies "So be it" disappears and turns the entire ocean to beer. The other genius slaps his buddy upside the head and says "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the raft"

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A West Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely

professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of

professionalism.

The old bronc-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot

of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and

$3,000 a month living expenses."

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18.you have a Jell-O mold in the shape of a J/22...

Shit! Where do I get one?

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You may be a sailing bum if...

 

29. you'll marry a girl just to keep a good fore deck person...

That's EXACTLY what I did. Happily ever after...

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SENSITIVE AUSSIE MEN

 

 

 

Three Aussie guys were working on a high‑rise building project Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

 

 

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

 

 

 

Bill says, "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it."

 

 

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a Slab of Beer.

 

 

 

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

 

 

 

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

 

 

 

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you his beer?"

 

 

 

Bill says, "Well not exactly, when she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Steve's widow".

 

 

 

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

 

 

 

And I said....., "Wanna bet me a slab?"

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A fellow touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

 

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

 

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

 

The fellow, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

 

The next morning, the fellow returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and after inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...

 

"These are delicious, but they’re much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders, and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

 

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[imagine that!]

 

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]

 

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

 

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

 

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

 

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

 

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

[i can see where it might have that effect!]

 

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]

 

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

 

 

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

 

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

 

 

And the winner is....

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that sign right?]

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NOW AT FORT KNOX BOOTH CAMP

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the ARMY beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your loving daughter,

Carol

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

 

The Americans were incredulous.

 

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

 

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

 

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

 

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

 

 

 

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

 

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

 

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the ****** thing about half an hour ago."

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Grumps,

 

It was funnier the first time. :lol:

 

Ayes

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Male Face Study:

 

 

 

A study conducted by University of Arizona Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of MALE FACE a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

 

For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

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Grumps,

 

It was funnier the first time. :lol:

 

Ayes

I've been drinking too much....

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Grumps,

 

It was funnier the first time.  :lol:

 

Ayes

I've been drinking too much....

shame on you, and never let those words utterr past your lips.....you can never drink to much ;)

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Hard yards in the swamps of Borneo cuz. We have a trade delegation from the Aust. & N.T. Government here for an expo, bastards landed yesterday. They may be public servants but they carry a heavy enternaiment account. Christ, I feel crook....

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Q. How do we know that the tooth brush was invented in Louisana?

 

 

A. Invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teeth brush"

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This young bloke walks into a pharmacy, and sneaks up to the counter, and leans over an whispers: "Hey man, have you got any of that, Spanish Fly?"

 

The pharmacist is taken aback, "Whoa, Spanish Fly? That is a very strong aphrodesiac. Just a small amount, and it will send you libido higher than the moon!".

 

The bloke says: "Yeah , I know I have these 3 horny chicks coming over for the weekend. Man I need some of that Spanish Fly, you know?"

 

The pharmacist thinks to himself , "Lucky bloke", and says: "OK, I have some under the counter, $200 for a 1/2 gram".

 

The bloke pays and leaves.

 

Then the next Monday, the pharmacist sees the bloke stagger into the shop, cluching his groin, barely able to walk. The bloke limps to the bar and says: "Hey man have you got any linament?"

 

The pharmacist noticing the way the bloke was limping says" "come into the back office and let me look at that" So they go into the back office and the bloke drops his trousers. The Pharmacists sees his "old fella" is shredded and bleeding, and he says: "I can't prescribe linament for that!".

 

And the bloke says: " Oh no man, the linament isn't for my dick, it's for my wrist - the chicks didn't turn up".

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Why is having sex in a canoe like drinking American Beer?

 

Coz there both fucking close to water.

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector:

 

"First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

 

"Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

 

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning."

 

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

 

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

 

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

 

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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why does the builder keep a tampon behind his ear?

 

To remind him of the cunt that stole his pencil

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A truck driver doing a delivery from sydney to perth goes to the warehouse to pick up his load of goods. He is loaded up and asks the guy what he is hauling and the bloke explains there is a new bowling alley opening over in perth so he is carrying 10ton of bowling balls. So off he goes and gets to the first weigh station and his load is checked and sure enough he is carrying 10ton so he gets the green light and off he goes across the nullabour plains on his way to perth. Late that night he is getting hungry and needs to take a break so he pulls into a road stop for a feed, notices a couple of abbo's having a couple of flagons by the side of the road and it looks like one had fallen off his push bike all bruised and dusty. So he goes in and has a good feed and a bit of a rest. The abbos decide to hitch a lift to perth so they get into the back of the truck. After he has rested the trucky takes off again and he is driving all night and day till he gets to the border of western australia where is directed to the weigh station, he drives in and a young bloke in uniform comes to the window and asks for his documents, this young fella obviously in training goes back to the supervisor and shows him the documents and they have a few words, the supervisor tell the young guy to go and talk to the driver cause he load is over weight. the truck driver can't understand it he was fine at the last check, the supervisor comes over to the driver cause he thinks there is a chance of scoring some free "off the back of a truck" goods so he tells the driver you can pay the fine or we can have a little look in the back and work something out so the truck driver agrees and waits talking to the young guy while the inspector goes to the back of the truck and surveys what’s for the taking, there is a clunk as the door opens and then a hard whack as the door is slammed shut, the supervisor yells at the truck driver to get the fuck out of here right now.. the young bloke doesn’t understand they got no free goods and no fine was paid so he asks the supervisor what’s wrong, he looks him dead in the eyes and with a face as white as a ghost he tells him, that truck was carrying a load of abbo eggs, two of them had hatched and they had already stolen two push bikes.

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said ""This bull mated 50 times last year."

 

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.

 

"The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow."

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Am so sorry if this has been doen before - i couldnt be assed reading all the jokes (tho i think i read most!)

 

Anyhoo...

 

An Australian is walking along a road in NZ and sees what he thinks is a guy rooting a sheep. He goes up the hill and says to the guy "What are you doing mate?"

 

Kiwi: "what does it look like i'm doing?"

 

Aussie: "Geeez in Australia we shear our sheep"

 

Kiwi: "Well get F&*%ed, I'm not shearing it with anyone!"

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A poll was conducted recently asking why men like blow jobs'

 

10% liked the sensation

 

12% enjoy the feeling of dominance

 

78% appreciate the 10 minutes of silence

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over to Paul and asks him what's wrong. "Well, you know that girl that I really want to ask out, but every time I see her I get an erection?" "Yes." Jeff says. Paul shrugs himself upright "Well I finally got the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff "When are you going out?"

 

"I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I would get an erection again. So I got some duct tape to tape my penis to my leg, that way if I got erection she wouldn't notice." "Sensible." say's Jeff. "So I ring her doorbell," Paul continues "She answers the door in the sheerest, tiniest dress you've ever seen. Then I kicked her in the face."

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

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what do you call a protitute with her hand up her skirt?

 

 

self employed ! :P

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INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON AMERICAN LIFE WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

 

 

 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

 

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

 

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

 

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

 

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

 

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

 

 

 

 

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

 

 

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

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OK Sardonic!

 

 

Q. Why do French women have small tits with big nipples?

 

 

A. Because French men have small hands and big mouths!

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A bunch of mates are in a bar, and start boasting about how many kids they have.

 

The first says: "I have 5 sons, I have a basketball team."

Another says: "I have 9 sons, I have a baseball team."

Yet another says: "I have 11 sons, I have a cricket team."

and then another says: "I have 13 sons, I have a league team."

 

Then big Joe at the end of the bar stands up, and say. "That's nothing, I have 15 sons, I have rugby union team". Everyone is in awe, until someone says.: "Hey Bill has a few kids, where is he?" Bill emerges from behind the jukebox, and sheepishly says:

 

"Well I have 18 daughters, I s'pose I have a golf course"

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A bunch of mates are in a bar, and start boasting about how many kids they have.

 

The first says: "I have 5 sons, I have a basketball team."

Another says: "I have 9 sons, I have a baseball team."

Yet another says: "I have 11 sons, I have a cricket team."

and then another says: "I have 13 sons, I have a league team."

 

Then big Joe at the end of the bar stands up, and say. "That's nothing, I have 15 sons, I have rugby union team". Everyone is in awe, until someone says.: "Hey Bill has a few kids, where is he?" Bill emerges from behind the jukebox, and sheepishly says:

 

"Well I have 18 daughters, I s'pose I have a golf course"

Grumpy, you reminded me of this one:

 

Q: "How do French women hold their liquor"

A: "By the ears".

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The old ones GnT? OK den...

 

Q.what do French girls put behind their ears to make them more attractive to Blokes?

 

 

A.Their ankles.

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Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at

a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.

 

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

 

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in

your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on

you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning

bill."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even

more drunk.

 

Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts

to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and

you've puked all over yourself! My gosh, you're

disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha chew

think. I only had a cupla d rrrinks.. But thiss other guy

got ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss couldin

hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me

twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

 

She looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this

is forty bucks."

 

"Oh, yeah....I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

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Joe goes to the doctor complaining of chronic headaches.

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the

hospital,he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but

he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked

down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He

could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing

store and thought, "That's what I need... A New suit."

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The

elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60

years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit..it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

New shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2

neck."Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the

business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe

walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about

some new underwear?"

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's

see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34

since I was 18 years old."The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a

size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of

your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am

putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all

their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

 

However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the

best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put

it back under the bed.

 

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

 

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened

by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

 

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made

their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you

have all that money in the box?"

 

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

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Top Ten shortest books

10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

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Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

 

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

 

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

 

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

 

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

 

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated

woman.

 

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

 

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

 

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

 

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

 

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

 

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

 

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

 

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

 

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!

 

 

THEY WANT TO!!

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And some from the other side of the relationship:

 

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

 

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you could take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

 

WIFE V. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion has led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," replied the wife, "in-laws."

 

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION (My personal favourite)

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me; God made me so stupid so that I would be attracted to you!"

 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him is she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, opened up the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"

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Dave works hard at the hospital and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 

"Oh no," says Dave."He's on my basketball team.

 

"When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly

uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms round Dave, and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"

 

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight"

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of

coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

 

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

 

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

 

"Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues...

 

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

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So Mss. Johnson is handing out exams that she's just marked which was on the femal reproductive system. As these two dudes get their exams back they see that one got a D and the other guy got an F.

 

The one guy says to the other... "Man this is complete shit... We should get back at her for this"

 

The other says "Ya man, I'm guna kick her right in the fucking nuts!"

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Quick question for Phats, Tuggie, Flynn or Co

 

 

What's a hindu????

Righto Ill taek the bait.. ;)

 

 

I dunno .Whats a hindu???

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A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

A young, female nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.

 

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

 

He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"

 

Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown.

She grips his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other

hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's

nothing wrong with them!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was

nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back

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An old man brings his new young blonde hair, big boobed girlfriend to the jewelry store.

 

The man says to the store manager, "Show me something special for this beautiful g/f of mine."

 

So the store manager brings out a big beautiful diamond ring.

 

The man asks the store manager, "How much is this ring?"

 

The store manager replies, "It's $5,000."

 

The old man says, "No! No! No!""I said show me something special."

 

"Ah, ok!" so the store manager goes to the back of the store and opens up the vault and brings out his special collection of jewelry. He brings out the ring with the biggest diamond. The blonde girl eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

 

The old man says, "How much is this ring?"

 

The store manager says, "It's $50,000"

 

All right, I'll take this one.

 

The store manager asks, "How will you be paying for this ring?"

 

The old man says, "I'll write you a cheque."

 

"Since I'm writing such a big cheque I know that it'll take a few days for it to clear.""So, I'll be coming back Monday to pick up the ring."

 

The store manager replies, "That's fine."

 

Monday morning comes and there's a phone call for the old man. He picks up the phone and on the other line is an angry tone of voice.

 

This is the manager from the jewelry store and the bank called me this morning stating that the cheque you wrote is NSF.

 

The old man replies, "I know that, but can you imagine the weekend I had!!!"

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Quick question for Phats, Tuggie, Flynn or Co

 

 

What's a hindu????

Righto Ill taek the bait.. ;)

 

 

I dunno .Whats a hindu???

Got one!!!!

 

 

Right now reel him in nice and gentle......

 

 

 

What's a hindu????

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lay eggs!!!!

 

boom tish :ph34r:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry........

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Quick question for Phats, Tuggie, Flynn or Co

 

 

What's a hindu????

Righto Ill taek the bait.. ;)

 

 

I dunno .Whats a hindu???

Got one!!!!

 

 

Right now reel him in nice and gentle......

 

 

 

What's a hindu????

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lay eggs!!!!

 

boom tish :ph34r:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry........

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Fak... Take a virtual ear slapping jacko....

 

:lol:

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Survival Guide for taking a POO at work. We've all been there but don't

like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our seats and suddenly felt

something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves

otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work,

following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

CROP DUSTING-When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't

know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until

the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY-The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and

check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend

 

it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK. When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just

occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits

the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up

the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable

moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to

pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of

the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER. A colleague who poos at work and is proud of

it..

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the

office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom..

 

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band

together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet

Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering

the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle

and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this

occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way

you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or

to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in

conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the

cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

 

WATERMELON. A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water.

This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming

on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET. A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes

in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE VINCE. A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the

pot. An Uncle Vince makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as

you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

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Some advice that a kind soul offered me a long time ago, in relation to the prior post:

 

Never break a sweat on company time...and never EVER take a shit on your own time!

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Top Ten shortest books

10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

I always thought # 1 was - "French Military Victories"

 

SS

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What did one cloned sheep say tho the other?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm ewe!!

 

 

Thanks, tip your waitresses, I'll be here all week.

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makes me glad not to be an aussie:

 

Aussie Aussie Aussie...

 

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

 

 

First, there's Victoria, named after queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

 

 

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

 

 

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

 

 

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

 

 

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

 

 

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.

 

 

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

 

 

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

 

 

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leapin joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party

albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

 

 

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.

 

 

Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

 

 

Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian!

 

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!

No other country has this distinction!

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A Catholic priest & a Rabbi were walking together when the priest spotted a 12 year old boy. The priest said "let's screw him!" The Rabbi replied "outa vot?"

 

.....sorry

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What does caviar and Micheal Jackson have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both come on little white crackers :P

 

 

 

 

Tip your bartenders and waitresses, try the veal.

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BLACK BOX RECORDERS IN 4x4 VEHICLES

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

 

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last

words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh , SHIT!"

 

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

 

 

 

 

"Hold my beer and watch this."

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fo' Drizzle"

 

 

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his socks?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ble-actch!"

 

 

:P

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

 

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

 

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

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Dear Alcohol:

 

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

 

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

 

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

 

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

 

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

 

Thank you,

 

Your biggest fan

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In view of the latest terrorist incidents, the French have increased their Security Status from

"Run Away" to

"Hide"

 

To illustrate how serious this is, they only have two higher values...

 

"Surrender" and

"Collaborate"

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Potentially vs. realistically

 

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is

the difference between potentially and realistically?" The

father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother

if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then

ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt

for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from

that."

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep

with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course

I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house

and send you kids to a great University!"

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are

you nuts?! !?!?"

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you

sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother

replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

 

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went

back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the

difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied,

 

 

"Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million

Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're

living with two Sluts and a Queer.

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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his

hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could

dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he

would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate

the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that

killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if

they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded

him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it

for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and

declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him

another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit

longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was

right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again,

every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk

out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in

the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I

know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and

not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily

replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my

panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk,

killed with an axe." :ph34r:

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FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen

 

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss.

Amen

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York.  One sat in the window seat and

>the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on

>and took the aisle seat.  After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off,

>wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,

>"I think I'll get up and get a beer."

>"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."

>

>While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat

>in it.  When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks

>good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to

>get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and

>spat in it.  When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and

>enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the American slipped his

>feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

>

>He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way?

>How long must this go on?  This fighting between our nations?  This hatred?

>This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

the joke needs a little work.... Arabia is not a Nation and Muslims don't drink beer.

Yeah...right...

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subject: words for the life challenged!!

 

1. save the whales. collect the whole set.

 

2. a day without sunshine is like, night.

 

3. on the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

4. i just got lost in thought. it wasn't familiar territory.

 

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

7. i feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

8. honk if you love peace and quiet.

 

9. remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

10. he who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

11. depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

12. the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

13. i drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

14. support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.

 

15. monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

 

16. a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

17. change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

 

18. get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!

 

19. plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

20. always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

 

21. if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

22. how many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand.

 

23. ok, so what's the speed of dark?

 

24. how do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

25. if everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

26. when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

27. hard work pays off in the future. laziness pays off now.

 

28. everyone has a photographic memory. some just do not have film.

29. if barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

30. how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

31. eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.

 

32. what happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

33. i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

34. i couldn't repair your brakes, so i made your hornlouder.

 

35. why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

36. inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

 

37. just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

 

38. light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'

pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an

S) by maintenance engineers.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

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A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 

His buddy asks, "how will I recognize him?"

 

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

 

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

 

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

 

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

 

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

 

Totally mad as hell at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him in and out a few times and body slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and say's,

 

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

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Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

 

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply

to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you

raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue

with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps

more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the

Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred

to such documents.

 

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of

crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to

the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the

other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their

being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant

gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the

toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common

with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters

do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".

More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a

responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

 

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth

in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the

canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's

rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the

government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"

yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of

the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little

off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for

Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have

accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a

university system."

 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do

with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with

nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even

if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer

medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way

wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out

that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and

live in India" you would still owe us the money.

 

Please forward it by Friday.

 

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relation

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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

 

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

 

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

 

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

 

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?"

 

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

 

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".

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