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    • UnderDawg

      A Few Simple Rules   05/22/2017

      Sailing Anarchy is a very lightly moderated site. This is by design, to afford a more free atmosphere for discussion. There are plenty of sailing forums you can go to where swearing isn't allowed, confrontation is squelched and, and you can have a moderator finger-wag at you for your attitude. SA tries to avoid that and allow for more adult behavior without moderators editing your posts and whacking knuckles with rulers. We don't have a long list of published "thou shalt nots" either, and this is by design. Too many absolute rules paints us into too many corners. So check the Terms of Service - there IS language there about certain types of behavior that is not permitted. We interpret that lightly and permit a lot of latitude, but we DO reserve the right to take action when something is too extreme to tolerate (too racist, graphic, violent, misogynistic, etc.). Yes, that is subjective, but it allows us discretion. Avoiding a laundry list of rules allows for freedom; don't abuse it. However there ARE a few basic rules that will earn you a suspension, and apparently a brief refresher is in order. 1) Allegations of pedophilia - there is no tolerance for this. So if you make allegations, jokes, innuendo or suggestions about child molestation, child pornography, abuse or inappropriate behavior with minors etc. about someone on this board you will get a time out. This is pretty much automatic; this behavior can have real world effect and is not acceptable. Obviously the subject is not banned when discussion of it is apropos, e.g. talking about an item in the news for instance. But allegations or references directed at or about another poster is verboten. 2) Outing people - providing real world identifiable information about users on the forums who prefer to remain anonymous. Yes, some of us post with our real names - not a problem to use them. However many do NOT, and if you find out someone's name keep it to yourself, first or last. This also goes for other identifying information too - employer information etc. You don't need too many pieces of data to figure out who someone really is these days. Depending on severity you might get anything from a scolding to a suspension - so don't do it. I know it can be confusing sometimes for newcomers, as SA has been around almost twenty years and there are some people that throw their real names around and their current Display Name may not match the name they have out in the public. But if in doubt, you don't want to accidentally out some one so use caution, even if it's a personal friend of yours in real life. 3) Posting While Suspended - If you've earned a timeout (these are fairly rare and hard to get), please observe the suspension. If you create a new account (a "Sock Puppet") and return to the forums to post with it before your suspension is up you WILL get more time added to your original suspension and lose your Socks. This behavior may result a permanent ban, since it shows you have zero respect for the few rules we have and the moderating team that is tasked with supporting them. Check the Terms of Service you agreed to; they apply to the individual agreeing, not the account you created, so don't try to Sea Lawyer us if you get caught. Just don't do it. Those are the three that will almost certainly get you into some trouble. IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DO ONE OF THESE THINGS, please do the following: Refrain from quoting the offending text, it makes the thread cleanup a pain in the rear Press the Report button; it is by far the best way to notify Admins as we will get e-mails. Calling out for Admins in the middle of threads, sending us PM's, etc. - there is no guarantee we will get those in a timely fashion. There are multiple Moderators in multiple time zones around the world, and anyone one of us can handle the Report and all of us will be notified about it. But if you PM one Mod directly and he's off line, the problem will get dealt with much more slowly. Other behaviors that you might want to think twice before doing include: Intentionally disrupting threads and discussions repeatedly. Off topic/content free trolling in threads to disrupt dialog Stalking users around the forums with the intent to disrupt content and discussion Repeated posting of overly graphic or scatological porn content. There are plenty web sites for you to get your freak on, don't do it here. And a brief note to Newbies... No, we will not ban people or censor them for dropping F-bombs on you, using foul language, etc. so please don't report it when one of our members gives you a greeting you may find shocking. We do our best not to censor content here and playing swearword police is not in our job descriptions. Sailing Anarchy is more like a bar than a classroom, so handle it like you would meeting someone a little coarse - don't look for the teacher. Thanks.
JOD

Joke

5,098 posts in this topic

Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all.

When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. "Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is," he demanded.

The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The godfather pulls out a gun and puts it to Paul's head and tells the interpreter, "Ask him again!"

The interpret asks again, signing "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Paul signs back, "Alright, alright! The money is in a brown suitcase behind the shed of my estate in Queens!"

The interpreter says nothing. After a few seconds, the godfather asks, "Well, what'd he say?" The interpreter smiles and says " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

 

 

 

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

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My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what?

She couldn't do either!

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clicking on page one of this thread is a trip back in history to a less civilized and cultural SA. Some funny shit from long departed Anarchists.

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

ah, number 27

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

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Little Johnny was just a head, born without arms, legs or a torso.
He just sits on the mantelpiece all day.

Today's his birthday, and his mum and dad come in and give him a present.

Johnny looks down at them from the mantelpiece and say's, "Not another F##### hat??"

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Boobs are like the sun...

Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.

Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

 

==============================================================

 

 

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at the chest; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

 

http://forums.sailinganarchy.com/index.php?showtopic=1776&view=findpost&p=940909

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This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

 

You asked for the old times of SA

 

A poll was conducted recently asking why men like blow jobs'

10% liked the sensation

12% enjoy the feeling of dominance

78% appreciate the 10 minutes of silence

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.


We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?


'What's that?' I asked.


'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.


As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'


We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'


We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

 

 

 

hey maybe she's only 74

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Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

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Nicola Sturgeon (The First Minister of Scotland) is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'"

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Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

 

HA!!! :lol:

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Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

 

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

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Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

Remember the 78% appreciate silence?

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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? - Because you could fit another pair of tits in there..

 

not at your age!!!!

 

Bastard :P

Why do so many men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

 

NO! It's that they have to run back to the bloody pub to brag to their mates about what happened BEFORE THEY FALL ASLEEP!

 

Absolutely a-MAAZ-in to me the capacity of the Female to be amused by the sleep-reflex inflicted on the Male by The Rut! Feckin' Elk DIE of it, Tigers (male and female) like a siesta after, Giraffes (male) have to be careful not to step on "'Is Majesty" afterwards, as he doesn'a shrink quick-like, Bluidy anyone as knows what the Sperm Whale endures,

 

Fook.

 

....................................................................................................................................................

 

So. There's this Pastor (Pastor Pusey) in Louisiana as is goin' down the road when he sees one of his parishoners on the side of the road with a car that's smokin' but not movin'.

He stops and asks what the matter may be and the parishoner (female) says the car just started smokin' and stopped goin'. LAWD Awmighty!

 

The Pastor removes his coat and shimmies under the car to see what the problem may be, but while under the car, a LOOZIANA State Pa-atrol car pulls up and the Occo-pant, be get out and survey the sicchiation.

 

He walk over and tap the Pastores foot.... "Yo! Get you ass out from undah de cah!"

 

"Offisah, you doa'n unnerstan! I IS Pastor Pusey!"

 

 

"I doan' be give a shit you halfway up her ass! You BES' git' yo' ass out heah NOW!!

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Well, racisim. Y'know? Racisim.

 

"Does you believe in Integration?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"OK. Does you believe in SEGREGATION?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"Den WHUT do de prospective juror believe in?"

 

"Ah is believe in slavery, Suh".

 

""Scoose me? Did y'all say SLAVERY?"

 

"Yassuh. Dem blackies b'longs mah fields and NOT in no voting booth."

 

 

You don't think so?

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OK

 

Who was offended by the previous two posts?

 

Why? (Seriously)

 

..............................................................................................

 

If you were offended, start a second thread and expound your reasoning, WITHOUT the Trumpistic solopisms.

 

.............................................................................................

 

 

If not offended, perhaps you need to re-examine your ethical foundations ?

 

...........................................................................................

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Maybe you need to advance 60 years or so - into the third millennium

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Like a fart in church....

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if i spent all day in a shed tying knots, i'd come up with better jokes, i'd like to think..

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It was said that frayed knot is gouvernails new screen name which explains the idiotic nature of his posts.

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The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently HD was the wrong answer.

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I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied.

"But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

I said "Because you have nice tits."

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^ one never knows; she just might appreciate his honesty, over some trite pickup line.

 

 

 

_________________________________

 

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

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REPOST???

 

 

 

A MALE FAIRY TALE

 

Once upon a time, a handsome Dude asked a beautiful Blonde, "Will you marry me?"

The Blonde immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Dude lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End.

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17796751_10155178653769231_4228540727134

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The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

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The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

 

 

I'm going to burn in hell for laughing at that! :lol::lol:

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The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

 

 

I'm going to burn in hell for laughing at that! :lol::lol:

 

Youlle haive plenney of companey. :)

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A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money

> for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started

> canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

>

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.

 

"How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

>

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

>

A few > hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

>

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

>

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

>

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

 

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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The three shortest books ever written:

 

Italian War Heroes

 

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

 

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

More shortest books:

 

Retirement investment strategies for suicide bombers

 

R E S P E C T: A man's guide to healthy relations with women - By Donald J Trump (with a foreword by Bill O'reilly)

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The three shortest books ever written:

 

Italian War Heroes

 

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

 

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

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The three shortest books ever written:

Italian War Heroes

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

You wish it was 1959. This is the Trump decade. Still clinging to PC? Sad.

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I despise PC and always have.

 

Almost as much as I despise ignorant stupidity.

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I despise PC and always have.

 

Almost as much as I despise ignorant stupidity.

I thouht wase orthere waye aronde?

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Now those who needed to quote to joke should delete their posts. And the joke was way better when it was told right. Left out one book and screwed up the title on the last one. Some people.

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Looks like Al Paka is a deranged cunt. I wish he would keep his politcal tripe in PA.

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"Dad, I lost my virginity."

 

"Hey, son, great news - that's my boy!. Let's sit down and have a beer to celebrate."

 

"I can't sit down, Dad. It kinda hurts."

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United Airlines new ad campaign,

 

Number 1 in Chinese take out!

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United Airlines new ad campaign,

 

Number 1 in Chinese take out!

 

HA!

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Are you calling me a stupid racist fuck?

 

It was a joke, based on news reports. That's all. Lighten up.

 

Speaking of stupid let's get back on track

 

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint

 

 

 

 

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.......

 

 

 

 

 

What's red and bad for your teeth?

 

A brick

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Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

He also lost his license to practice medicine for trading sex with young men for pills. He's a piece of crap no matter his nationality.

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It's probably safe to say that the vast majority of these "victims" of "police brutality" are lowlifes or at least belligerent drunks.

 

I'm sure there are some thuggish cops out there who get off on beating on people but they are a tiny, tiny minority.

 

Chris Rock nailed it IMO.

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Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

Dao!

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Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

Mao!

 

fixte

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Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

He also lost his license to practice medicine for trading sex with young men for pills. He's a piece of crap no matter his nationality.

 

Therefore even more important to get it right - why offend the Chinese?

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Recent survey of Chicago Bears fans suggested 82% said they didn't mind sex in the shower.

18% said they have never been to Prison before.


I recently broke up with my girlfriend after she gained a bit of weight.

Or, "got pregnant" as she puts it.

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A blonde goes to the hospital.

"I think I have postage stamps stuck in my vagina"

Doc looks "Nah, they're Chiquita stickers"


My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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Just got an iPhone 7 for my wife ... it was a good trade

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Apologies to Hobot. He had posted this same statement with a different image in his great 'random images' thread and I about fell out of my chair when I saw it. I liked it so much I went and made myself a cocktail for sundown. 15 minutes later I had a look here in the Joke thread and remembered where I had seen the meme so googled it and found this one to post. So it must be true, drinking may cause memory loss or even worse... As the sign on the street says at the bottom, 'Worth sharing!'

 

deschutes-brewery-warning-drinking-cause

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Warbird! Man! You got it, with that one!

Cheers,

Jim :lol:

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson


"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Larry's whore"


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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

 

:lol:

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why dont cowboys like reverse cowgirl?

 

 

 

Because you dont turn your back on family.

 

 

 

 

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian - so i broke up with her.

 

I've only known her since she was Christine.

 

 

 

 

I was attacked by a mime gang

 

They did unspeakable things to me.

 

 

I caught my wife on a porn site this morning

 

I'm going to ask her about it when she gets home.

 

 

 

Doctor: i understand you're having hearing problems, can you describe the symptoms?

Well homer is far, and marge has blue hair.

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I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

 

Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

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just because we played a good gig last night :

 

what did the banjo player get on his IQ test?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

drool

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WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButt!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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I have absolute proof that the world isn't flat.  If it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

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15 hours ago, P_Wop said:

I have absolute proof that the world isn't flat.  If it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

 

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So while walking to the store today I can across a baby who was locked in a hot car.....so....it was a good day...

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Harlequin Novel - 2017 Update
 
 
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.    "Just relax."
       Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
       I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage.
       And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
       Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
       Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought - A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay, ma'am, you can board your flight now."

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I'm not going to have sex with women any more.

 

I'm starting to think the bitches like it................

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iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

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3 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

.....you mean the one the skipper of a J29 (Govt. Lawyer) said "We don't like that kind of joke on this boat" .......

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3 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

Search function just too difficult for ya, is it?

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Went to Amsterdam. Had sex, got stoned.

Went to Saudi Arabia. Had sex, got stoned.

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5 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

...we can tell blonde jokes again?....

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How high do you have to be to adopt a mouse and name it Stewart?

 

 

A Little , I guess

 

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What's the difference between Kinky & Perverted?

 

 

 

 

Kinky, you use a feather.

 

 

 

 

Perverted, you use the whole bird.

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1 hour ago, Fat Point Jack said:

What's the difference between Kinky & Perverted?

 

 

 

 

Kinky, you use a feather.

 

 

 

 

Perverted, you use the whole bird.

 

Well you learn something every day.

I thought it was "kinky" when it was her idea and perverted when its my idea.

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14 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

My mother was a holocaust denier... for years she wouldn't accept it happened, one night we sat down and showed her countless hours of documentary and historical evidence... she still doesn't believe it happened.....

 

 

 

just the one time.     

 

 

 

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20 minutes ago, USA190520 said:

My mother was a holocaust denier...

Please no holocaust jokes. Painful memories. My grandfather died in the holocaust. He was a prison camp guard. Got really drunk and fell out of the tower.

Oh, and the perverted bird joke above...disgusting...so reminds me to watch Pink Flamingo again.

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She wasn't gorgeous, but I would throw her out of bed for eating Crackers......

(Groucho Marx voice) Ain't that right, Crackers?

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On 6/23/2005 at 9:04 PM, GRUMPY said:

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at

a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.

 

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

 

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in

your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on

you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning

bill."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even

more drunk.

 

Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts

to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and

you've puked all over yourself! My gosh, you're

disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha chew

think. I only had a cupla d rrrinks.. But thiss other guy

got ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss couldin

hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me

twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

 

She looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this

is forty bucks."

 

"Oh, yeah....I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Thanks Grumpy.   12 years later and just as funny.  Almost made beer come out of my nose

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I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar. 

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

I said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. 

I believe in all religions now......

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16 hours ago, bmiller said:

It was too soon. You guys could delete your responses to make it completely go away.

Done, thanks.

FB

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After a few weeks, the new hire secretary at the Zenith TV factory noticed that all of the other girls in the office had name plaques on their desks.  A few days later she walked into the boss's office and asked him how she could get one.

He stood up and walked over and closed the door and walked back to her as he unzipped his pants and pulled it out and responded, "This is Quality and Quality goes in before the name goes on".

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