• Announcements

    • Zapata

      Abbreviated rules   07/28/2017

      Underdawg did an excellent job of explaining the rules.  Here's the simplified version: Don't insinuate Pedo.  Warning and or timeout for a first offense.  PermaFlick for any subsequent offenses Don't out members.  See above for penalties.  Caveat:  if you have ever used your own real name or personal information here on the forums since, like, ever - it doesn't count and you are fair game. If you see spam posts, report it to the mods.  We do not hang out in every thread 24/7 If you see any of the above, report it to the mods by hitting the Report button in the offending post.   We do not take action for foul language, off-subject content, or abusive behavior unless it escalates to persistent stalking.  There may be times that we might warn someone or flick someone for something particularly egregious.  There is no standard, we will know it when we see it.  If you continually report things that do not fall into rules #1 or 2 above, you may very well get a timeout yourself for annoying the Mods with repeated whining.  Use your best judgement. Warnings, timeouts, suspensions and flicks are arbitrary and capricious.  Deal with it.  Welcome to anarchy.   If you are a newbie, there are unwritten rules to adhere to.  They will be explained to you soon enough.  
JOD

Joke

Recommended Posts

clicking on page one of this thread is a trip back in history to a less civilized and cultural SA. Some funny shit from long departed Anarchists.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

ah, number 27

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Johnny was just a head, born without arms, legs or a torso.
He just sits on the mantelpiece all day.

Today's his birthday, and his mum and dad come in and give him a present.

Johnny looks down at them from the mantelpiece and say's, "Not another F##### hat??"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Boobs are like the sun...

Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.

Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

 

==============================================================

 

 

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at the chest; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

 

http://forums.sailinganarchy.com/index.php?showtopic=1776&view=findpost&p=940909

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

 

You asked for the old times of SA

 

A poll was conducted recently asking why men like blow jobs'

10% liked the sensation

12% enjoy the feeling of dominance

78% appreciate the 10 minutes of silence

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.


We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?


'What's that?' I asked.


'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.


As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'


We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'


We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

 

 

 

hey maybe she's only 74

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nicola Sturgeon (The First Minister of Scotland) is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

 

HA!!! :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

 

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

Remember the 78% appreciate silence?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? - Because you could fit another pair of tits in there..

 

not at your age!!!!

 

Bastard :P

Why do so many men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

 

NO! It's that they have to run back to the bloody pub to brag to their mates about what happened BEFORE THEY FALL ASLEEP!

 

Absolutely a-MAAZ-in to me the capacity of the Female to be amused by the sleep-reflex inflicted on the Male by The Rut! Feckin' Elk DIE of it, Tigers (male and female) like a siesta after, Giraffes (male) have to be careful not to step on "'Is Majesty" afterwards, as he doesn'a shrink quick-like, Bluidy anyone as knows what the Sperm Whale endures,

 

Fook.

 

....................................................................................................................................................

 

So. There's this Pastor (Pastor Pusey) in Louisiana as is goin' down the road when he sees one of his parishoners on the side of the road with a car that's smokin' but not movin'.

He stops and asks what the matter may be and the parishoner (female) says the car just started smokin' and stopped goin'. LAWD Awmighty!

 

The Pastor removes his coat and shimmies under the car to see what the problem may be, but while under the car, a LOOZIANA State Pa-atrol car pulls up and the Occo-pant, be get out and survey the sicchiation.

 

He walk over and tap the Pastores foot.... "Yo! Get you ass out from undah de cah!"

 

"Offisah, you doa'n unnerstan! I IS Pastor Pusey!"

 

 

"I doan' be give a shit you halfway up her ass! You BES' git' yo' ass out heah NOW!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, racisim. Y'know? Racisim.

 

"Does you believe in Integration?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"OK. Does you believe in SEGREGATION?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"Den WHUT do de prospective juror believe in?"

 

"Ah is believe in slavery, Suh".

 

""Scoose me? Did y'all say SLAVERY?"

 

"Yassuh. Dem blackies b'longs mah fields and NOT in no voting booth."

 

 

You don't think so?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK

 

Who was offended by the previous two posts?

 

Why? (Seriously)

 

..............................................................................................

 

If you were offended, start a second thread and expound your reasoning, WITHOUT the Trumpistic solopisms.

 

.............................................................................................

 

 

If not offended, perhaps you need to re-examine your ethical foundations ?

 

...........................................................................................

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe you need to advance 60 years or so - into the third millennium

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It was said that frayed knot is gouvernails new screen name which explains the idiotic nature of his posts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently HD was the wrong answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied.

"But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

I said "Because you have nice tits."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ one never knows; she just might appreciate his honesty, over some trite pickup line.

 

 

 

_________________________________

 

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

REPOST???

 

 

 

A MALE FAIRY TALE

 

Once upon a time, a handsome Dude asked a beautiful Blonde, "Will you marry me?"

The Blonde immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Dude lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

17796751_10155178653769231_4228540727134

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

 

 

I'm going to burn in hell for laughing at that! :lol::lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

 

 

I'm going to burn in hell for laughing at that! :lol::lol:

 

Youlle haive plenney of companey. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money

> for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started

> canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

>

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.

 

"How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

>

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

>

A few > hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

>

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

>

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

>

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

 

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The three shortest books ever written:

 

Italian War Heroes

 

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

 

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

More shortest books:

 

Retirement investment strategies for suicide bombers

 

R E S P E C T: A man's guide to healthy relations with women - By Donald J Trump (with a foreword by Bill O'reilly)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The three shortest books ever written:

 

Italian War Heroes

 

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

 

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The three shortest books ever written:

Italian War Heroes

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

You wish it was 1959. This is the Trump decade. Still clinging to PC? Sad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I despise PC and always have.

 

Almost as much as I despise ignorant stupidity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Now those who needed to quote to joke should delete their posts. And the joke was way better when it was told right. Left out one book and screwed up the title on the last one. Some people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Looks like Al Paka is a deranged cunt. I wish he would keep his politcal tripe in PA.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Dad, I lost my virginity."

 

"Hey, son, great news - that's my boy!. Let's sit down and have a beer to celebrate."

 

"I can't sit down, Dad. It kinda hurts."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

United Airlines new ad campaign,

 

Number 1 in Chinese take out!

 

HA!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you calling me a stupid racist fuck?

 

It was a joke, based on news reports. That's all. Lighten up.

 

Speaking of stupid let's get back on track

 

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?

 

Blue paint

 

 

 

 

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.......

 

 

 

 

 

What's red and bad for your teeth?

 

A brick

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

He also lost his license to practice medicine for trading sex with young men for pills. He's a piece of crap no matter his nationality.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's probably safe to say that the vast majority of these "victims" of "police brutality" are lowlifes or at least belligerent drunks.

 

I'm sure there are some thuggish cops out there who get off on beating on people but they are a tiny, tiny minority.

 

Chris Rock nailed it IMO.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Stupid racist fucks: today's memo: Dao is Vietnamese, dumb asses

He also lost his license to practice medicine for trading sex with young men for pills. He's a piece of crap no matter his nationality.

 

Therefore even more important to get it right - why offend the Chinese?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Recent survey of Chicago Bears fans suggested 82% said they didn't mind sex in the shower.

18% said they have never been to Prison before.


I recently broke up with my girlfriend after she gained a bit of weight.

Or, "got pregnant" as she puts it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A blonde goes to the hospital.

"I think I have postage stamps stuck in my vagina"

Doc looks "Nah, they're Chiquita stickers"


My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Apologies to Hobot. He had posted this same statement with a different image in his great 'random images' thread and I about fell out of my chair when I saw it. I liked it so much I went and made myself a cocktail for sundown. 15 minutes later I had a look here in the Joke thread and remembered where I had seen the meme so googled it and found this one to post. So it must be true, drinking may cause memory loss or even worse... As the sign on the street says at the bottom, 'Worth sharing!'

 

deschutes-brewery-warning-drinking-cause

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Warbird! Man! You got it, with that one!

Cheers,

Jim :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson


"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Larry's whore"


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

 

:lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

why dont cowboys like reverse cowgirl?

 

 

 

Because you dont turn your back on family.

 

 

 

 

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian - so i broke up with her.

 

I've only known her since she was Christine.

 

 

 

 

I was attacked by a mime gang

 

They did unspeakable things to me.

 

 

I caught my wife on a porn site this morning

 

I'm going to ask her about it when she gets home.

 

 

 

Doctor: i understand you're having hearing problems, can you describe the symptoms?

Well homer is far, and marge has blue hair.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

 

Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

just because we played a good gig last night :

 

what did the banjo player get on his IQ test?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

drool

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButt!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have absolute proof that the world isn't flat.  If it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So while walking to the store today I can across a baby who was locked in a hot car.....so....it was a good day...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Harlequin Novel - 2017 Update
 
 
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.    "Just relax."
       Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
       I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage.
       And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
       Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
       Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought - A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay, ma'am, you can board your flight now."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not going to have sex with women any more.

 

I'm starting to think the bitches like it................

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

.....you mean the one the skipper of a J29 (Govt. Lawyer) said "We don't like that kind of joke on this boat" .......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

Search function just too difficult for ya, is it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to Amsterdam. Had sex, got stoned.

Went to Saudi Arabia. Had sex, got stoned.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

...we can tell blonde jokes again?....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Fat Point Jack said:

What's the difference between Kinky & Perverted?

 

 

 

 

Kinky, you use a feather.

 

 

 

 

Perverted, you use the whole bird.

 

Well you learn something every day.

I thought it was "kinky" when it was her idea and perverted when its my idea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Happy said:

iJust a suggestion:

As this forum allows just about anything, how about the  most offensive, non-PC, racist, sexist, horribille-est, most disgusting joke you've ever heard (and remembered.)

Hopefully the mods will alow some latitude.

And the whiners will shut up and stay out of it..................

 

 

My mother was a holocaust denier... for years she wouldn't accept it happened, one night we sat down and showed her countless hours of documentary and historical evidence... she still doesn't believe it happened.....

 

 

 

just the one time.     

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, USA190520 said:

My mother was a holocaust denier...

Please no holocaust jokes. Painful memories. My grandfather died in the holocaust. He was a prison camp guard. Got really drunk and fell out of the tower.

Oh, and the perverted bird joke above...disgusting...so reminds me to watch Pink Flamingo again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She wasn't gorgeous, but I would throw her out of bed for eating Crackers......

(Groucho Marx voice) Ain't that right, Crackers?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/23/2005 at 9:04 PM, GRUMPY said:

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at

a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.

 

"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

 

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in

your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on

you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning

bill."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even

more drunk.

 

Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts

to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and

you've puked all over yourself! My gosh, you're

disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha chew

think. I only had a cupla d rrrinks.. But thiss other guy

got ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss couldin

hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me

twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

 

She looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this

is forty bucks."

 

"Oh, yeah....I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Thanks Grumpy.   12 years later and just as funny.  Almost made beer come out of my nose

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar. 

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."

I said "Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. 

I believe in all religions now......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, bmiller said:

It was too soon. You guys could delete your responses to make it completely go away.

Done, thanks.

FB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After a few weeks, the new hire secretary at the Zenith TV factory noticed that all of the other girls in the office had name plaques on their desks.  A few days later she walked into the boss's office and asked him how she could get one.

He stood up and walked over and closed the door and walked back to her as he unzipped his pants and pulled it out and responded, "This is Quality and Quality goes in before the name goes on".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 A man was fishing.
 He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 kg snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just  scored his first ever Pearl Perch when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realised he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip.
He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
 
He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far.
He was jubilant....Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU.
It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
40 minutes ago, random said:

 A man was fishing.

 

MAN-NODDING-OFF.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites