JOD

Joke

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A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
 
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,  then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
 
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
 
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
 
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of  the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take  the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
 
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the  game's over!" 

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Actual notice posted in a church hall.

"Bible Study group meets Sunday after regular services. Refreshments will be served when the B.S. is over".

"Low Self Esteem support group meets Wednesday evening. Please enter by the back door".

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On 6/19/2017 at 10:55 PM, warbird said:

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday?

Don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

 

Probably another watch

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More likely a hat.

Or socks.

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Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister..'

When she returned, she said,

"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

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My daughter and her family were at a Caribbean cooking festival in Southampton recently.

It was called The Jerk Festival and there was a big banner up promoting the big finale The Jerk Off

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This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
 
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
 
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
 
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
 
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

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3 hours ago, Rasputin22 said:

Sloop,

     Did they have any of this at the cooking fest? No joke.

Image result for jamaican cock sauce

OR maybe this 

Image result for jamaican cock sauce

 

:lol: Does it sell at all to straight guys?

Be fun to have some around just to startle dinner guests with.

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We were on a boat delivery and stopped in Jamaica. While on an Island tour we bought the soup packs and tucked them deep into the bottom of the two crew girls duffel bags. Wish I could have been there when they got home and Mom dug in the bag to do the laundry.

 

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51 minutes ago, bmiller said:

son-dad-did-you-know-that-in-some-countries-you-7107111.png

 

A man marries a woman believing that she will never change.

 

A woman marries a man believing that she can change him.

 

Sadly, they are both wrong, most of the time~  !!

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My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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On 7/22/2017 at 9:18 PM, Rasputin22 said:

Sloop,

     Did they have any of this at the cooking fest? No joke.

Image result for jamaican cock sauce

OR maybe this 

Image result for jamaican cock sauce

 

Those belong in the LONQR thread.

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On 7/23/2017 at 9:20 AM, billy backstay said:

 

A man marries a woman believing that she will never change.

 

A woman marries a man believing that she can change him.

 

Sadly, they are both wrong, most of the time~  !!

The bride arrives at the Church. She walks down the aisle towards the altar while the congregation sings a hymn.

And that's where she gets her inspiration: I'll Alter Him.

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A reminder to all married men:  If you promised your wife you will love her 24/7....

Today is 24/7

And therefore off the hook the rest of the year.

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On 7/24/2017 at 2:21 AM, Flatbag said:

The bride arrives at the Church. She walks down the aisle towards the altar while the congregation sings a hymn.

And that's where she gets her inspiration: I'll Alter Him.

Little Johnie is sitting in the church with his mom. It is his older cousin's wedding. She is radiant in her beautiful gown. Johnny asks his mom, "Why do brides wear white?" His mom, not ready for THAT discussion, explains "White is a symbol of happiness, this is your cousins happiest day".

Little Johnie asks, "Then why is the groom's tuxedo black?"

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On 7/25/2017 at 2:22 AM, dreaded said:

ever wonder why Swedish ships have a barcode on their side?

 

 

 

It's so when the ship returns to port they can scandinavian.

groan.....:P

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I took my dog to the vet today as he wasn't feeling very well.

"I'm going to have to take his temperature," she said, lifting up his tail. "I don't think he's going to like this."

"Oh, he does," I replied

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A girl wearing Chicago Bears gear enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says, "I'll take that red one."
The man replies, "That's a fire extinguisher."

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On 2017-07-25 at 10:15 AM, warbird said:

Little Johnie is sitting in the church with his mom. It is his older cousin's wedding. She is radiant in her beautiful gown. Johnny asks his mom, "Why do brides wear white?" His mom, not ready for THAT discussion, explains "White is a symbol of happiness, this is your cousins happiest day".

Little Johnie asks, "Then why is the groom's tuxedo black?"

Think about it... the joke works even if Johnny's Mom gives him the correct explanation....

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I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?"
"Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think."
"So what is it then?" she asked.
I said, "A Samsung Galaxy."

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A lady gets married, on their honeymoon she says to her husband, "You know, you're my fourth husband."

"Oh, really!"

"Yeah, my first husband died by eating poisonous mushrooms.." replies the lady.

"That's awful, what happened to your second husband?" asked the man.

"He died by eating poisonous mushrooms.." she said casually.

"I'm so sorry, do you mind if I ask what happened to your third husband" said the man.

"Broken neck" says the lady.

"Broken neck?" the man inquires. "How?"

"Oh him? he wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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22 hours ago, dreaded said:

You know, with the oncoming of automated cars, it won't be too long before we have a country song about his truck leaving him too...

Brilliant!  :P

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An Aussie drover walks into a country bar with his pet crocodile. He puts the croc on the bar

and makes the following challenge to the mob. ‘I’ll make you a deal, I’ll open this croc’s mouth

and place my manhood inside. The croc will close his mouth for a minute then open it and I’ll

remove my unit unscathed. In return each of you will buy me a drink.’

The crowd considered the deal for a minute then murmured it’s approval.

The drover then stood on the bar, dropped his strides and placed his Johnson & parts in the

croc’s mouth. The croc closed his mouth amid gasps from the crowd.

After a min. the drover grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the head. The croc

opened his mouth and removed his genitals unscathed amid much cheering.

After his first free drink the drover made another challenge, ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing

to give it a go.’

A hush fell over the crowd and after a while a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blond woman timidly spoke up. ‘I’ll give it a try – just don’t hit me so hard with the bottle’.

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No joke.

I was at the eye doc office getting a frame adjusted. Office gal is on the phone talking to someone about an appt. She said they couldn't get right away as the doc was out of the country, he's in Alaska.

 

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5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up at the house next door to build an extension.

She takes an interest, and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts of gold, adopt her as a site mascot.

After a week, they present her with a pink hard hat & gloves. They even gave her $5 in a wage packet.

"Goodness" says Mum, smiling. "Are you working next week, too?"

"I think so, Mummy, as long as those wankers at Travis Perkins deliver the fucking bricks."

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19 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Thast awefulle and funney.  Ima gonna paye somdaye             :)

5l1WP3.jpg

 

Stolen from the LOTNQR Thread.

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Ho LEE Fuk, that's funny.  I'm still giggling....

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This is the joke thread, not the statement of fact thread.

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My favourite. Hard to believe people were 'offended' by it - humourless assholes.

 

7301cover_l.jpg

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26 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

My favourite. Hard to believe people were 'offended' by it - humourless assholes.

 

7301cover_l.jpg

Imagine the snowflakes who who seek to ban that cover today. 

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On ‎8‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 11:30 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

I know , me too

I am running "dense" , hints?

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On ‎8‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 9:34 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

see post 5141

Is it Bombs to be delivered?

 

Sorry, dense on this one,,,,,,

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7 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

Do you remebber 'Mine Sweepere" game/

free-minesweeper-thumbnail.png

:)

rings a bell, but we played it with paper (OK , by candle light)

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3 hours ago, Grrr... said:

I suppose we all played minesweeper a little differently.

f1Fpb9D.jpg

I'm still giggling about this one.....  :lol:

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Yep, I picked you as a giggler.  Spot on.

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Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

Him: "I didn't know it was still a requirement!"

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

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A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fuck do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, "JETSTAR".

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22 hours ago, atoyot said:

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fuck do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, "JETSTAR".

Sad, but true

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My wife and I have been married for13 years.

Having sex with only one person for 13 years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

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Women wake up yawning.

Men wake up with am erection.

Coincidence? I don't think so...

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Off to the clinic tomorrow with the wife for the 18 week ultrasound.

Can't wait to see if we're having a boy or an abortion.

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WonderWomen doesn't actually have a cape, they just turned her apron arround...

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Blond and brunette walking past flower shop.  Brunette sees her boyfriend inside buying flowers and says "I guess I'm going to have to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." Blond says " Don't you have a vase?"

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Did you hear that Ukraine is opening Chernobyl up for tourism?  They are going to clean the place up a bit, put in some attractions, tours and rides. Kind of like Disney World, except the 6 foot tall mouse is real. 

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I bought an empty wooden box from Chernobyl. 

 

 

Cheepest eat microwave I could find ...

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The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic.
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches
 
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
 
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
 
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
 
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
 
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
 
"No, it's turned black!

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On 6/2/2017 at 6:26 PM, Gouvernail said:

IMG_2834.JPG

My fucking genie was hard of hearing.  I ended up with a 12" pianist, that's a little better I guess.

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Three idiots find an old lamp on the beach. Out pops a genie, "Three wishes, that's one each schmucks."

First idiot: "I wish I had an island in the Pacific, endless money, and lots of whiskey and girls."   POOOOF!! And it was so.

Second idiot: "I wish I was there on that island."  POOOF!! And it was so.

Third idiot: "It's gone awful quiet, I wish those two were back here............................    

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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:
 
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2.FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE, WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
 
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 

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:lol:

I've got a brass plaque that is supposedly a real antique from a Scottish golf club.

 

Gentlemen golfers are requested to only wash their balls in the sinks provided and not elsewhere.

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My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.

I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh.

"No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".

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Mary had a little skirt, With slits right up the sides, And every time she crossed her legs, The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt, With a slit right up the front....She never wore that one.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
I won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved over 2600 lives.

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Old one but it was the first laugh I had today

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the 
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

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So Freddie, who was a bit thick, got a new job that required him to have his own transportation.  Freddie had never owned a car before, and went directly to the used car lot on Main Street, just down the block from his favorite diner.

Freddie, who was a bit thick, didn't have much money but figured he could maybe spend about $500 for a car.  At the used car lot on Main Street, right down from his favorite diner, he found a car that had a large $500 sign stuck in the windshield.  So Freddie, who was a bit thick, asked the used car salesman how much for the car.  The salesman says "Freddie, you must be a bit thick, cause the sign right in the windshield says $500.  But I tell you what, Freddie.  You bring me cash and I'll discount the price by 5%". 

Freddie leaves to go home to get his money, but being a bit thick, couldn't finger out how much the car would actually cost after a 5% discount.  So he goes into his favorite diner, which was right down the block there on Main Street.  He sits down and has an idea, which doesn't happen often because he knows he's a bit thick.  But he looks at Doris, his favorite waitress at his favorite diner on Mainstreet, and asks "Doris?  If I gave you a $500 tip and you discounted it by 5%, how much would you take off?"

Doris looks at Freddie, who is usually a bit thick, and replies "Honey, you give me $500 and I'll take off everything but my earings."

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Three young blokes having a beer at the pub.

An old bloke walks up, points at one of them, says "Your Mom likes it long and deep and rough" and wanders off. Young bloke's mates are upset, he calms them down.

Old bloke comes back, points at same kid, says "Your Mom squeals like a pig when I  give it to her" and wanders off. His mates get angry, he calms them down.

Old bloke comes over again, says "Your Mom likes it up the ass when she's drunk".

Young bloke says "That's not funny Dad, just fuck off home."

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An oldie but a goodie.....

Why is a woman's asshole just like a 9V battery?

You know you shouldn't put your tongue there, but you're going to anyway.

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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her nicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me...:)

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The missus said last nite “hey let's go upstairs for a shag“. I said "ok luv, after the ball game“.

She said “u do realise u can record it“. I said "niiice, get the camcorder & wait upstairs, I'll be up after the game”

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A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,”  said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

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"Daddy why do people hang horses ?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses darling " I consoled her "who told you that people hang horses ?".
"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse".

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My buddy was eating at a fast food place. This teenage girl in a wheelchair comes in with her parents and has a total fit. They're trying to order and the girl's just being a nasty by screaming, rolling all over her parents, and just being plain rude to the employees. So, this old guy with these super thick glasses walks over and politely tries to calm the girl down by saying how everyone is doing their best and stuff, and the girl just yells at him too. The guy says he's just trying to give his two cents and leaves the girl to be.

The girl and her parents get their food. As they're on their way out, the girl rolls over to the old man and says sarcastically, "Nice glasses." Without even straying from his calm demeanor the old man says, "Nice legs."

(from https://www.knowable.com/a/people-share-the-greatest-i-don-t-give-a-damn-moments-they-ve-witnessed-in-pub/p-4 )

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On 8/4/2017 at 3:10 PM, bmiller said:

No joke.

I was at the eye doc office getting a frame adjusted. Office gal is on the phone talking to someone about an appt. She said they couldn't get right away as the doc was out of the country, he's in Alaska.

 

He might be an optical Aleutian

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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A guy gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The guy looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the guy, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The guy of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some luminous powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The guy decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the guy walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The guy agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the guy finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the guy from the bus! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?  All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'  All the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'  Half the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'  Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.';)

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Eventually an embarrassed husband went to the doctor and told him he had trouble getting an erection, & that it was causing problems with his wife.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and other vitals, all seemed fine. After a thorough examination he said he wanted to check with the wife.

When she arrived, he took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed.

He then told her to raise her arms above her head and turn around again. He than asked her to bend right over, try to touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "OK, good thanks. You can get dressed now please”.

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either."

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On 10/25/2017 at 11:51 AM, John Bailey said:
On 8/4/2017 at 7:10 AM, bmiller said:

No joke.

I was at the eye doc office getting a frame adjusted. Office gal is on the phone talking to someone about an appt. She said they couldn't get right away as the doc was out of the country, he's in Alaska.

 

He might be an optical Aleutian

Golf clap

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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

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