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A man walks up to a bar and asks "got any lamps?" The barman says "No. We're a bar, we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The next day the same man walks into the bar and asks the barman "got any lamps?" The barman says "no, I told you yesterday we are a bar and we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The man did this every day for a week until the barman said "Look! I'm getting really pissed off with you asking me if we sell lamps! We don't! If you ever ask me again I'm going to nail you to the wall!"

The next day the man walks into the bar and says "got any hammers?" The barman angrily shakes his head... "Good," the man says. "Got any lamps?"

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Sherrif: We're lookin' for a man wearing a paper shirt, paper pants, paper boots and a paper hat.
Deputy: What's he wanted for, boss?
Sherrif: Rustlin'.

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A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

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1 hour ago, warbird said:

I just finished downloading The Koran, does anyone want me to burn them a copy?
 

use the bible to get it going, though!

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang.' Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and TV. There's another guy sitting on the couch, watching the screen.

"So, is this heaven or hell?" he asks the guy on the couch.

"Well, there are no windows or doors, and no apparent way out," the man answers.

"So it's hell?"

"I don't know," says the other guy, without looking up. "They did give us this nice big TV."

"So maybe it's heaven."

"Maybe, but it has only one channel," the man counters.

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, the station it gets is pretty good - it's PBS."

"So maybe this is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for one thing," the other guy says sadly. "It's always pledge week."

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Why all the fuss over genetically modified food? I had a leg of salmon last night, it was delicious...

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A man applying for a job at a Yuma Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Pinto, a Beta video player, follow the Bears, and  supported the Democrat Party. Then I voted for Bernie, and then Hillary.

"How am I doing so far?":confused:

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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

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A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what...we didn't see a single bastard!"

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Colonel Wilson was being replaced in Her Majesty's remote outpost in Kenya by Colonel Jones-Smythe.  He gave the incoming commander the dime tour of the post, followed by gin and tonics, and some cucumber sandwiches. 

The new CO said, "you've done a very impressive job out here old chap... I see why they think highly of you in Whitehall.  Very impressive indeed." 

"Why that's nothing, Jonesy.  You haven't seen the best part of this station."

Jones-Smythe's curiosity was piqued.  "The best part?"

"Yes, my aide, Captain Smithers.  He's staying of course.  Fantastic chap, Smithers.  Brilliant soldier, anticipates every need, life of the party, and quick with his razor sharp wit!  A bit mouthy though." 

At that Wilson called for his Aide. "Smithers!" 

A moment later a hunchback staggered in, dragging a non-functioning leg.  A big chunk of his hair was missing, one eye had a huge growth coming out of the center, his teeth were snaggled and rotting, and he was shaking as if suffering from Parkinson's. 

"Smithers, tell Colonel Jones-Smythe about yourself." 

"Well sir, I attended Eaton, won a First in mathematics at Oxford, captained the rugby team in the Varsity Match, finished first in my class at Sandhurst, and represented England in the Olympics in Judo, plus I. . ."

"Enough, Smithers!" shouted Wilson.  "We know about all that... just tell Jonesy here about the day you told the witch doctor to 'fuck right off'." 

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6 hours ago, Lex Teredo said:

Colonel Wilson was being replaced in Her Majesty's remote outpost in Kenya by Colonel Jones-Smythe.  He gave the incoming commander the dime tour of the post, followed by gin and tonics, and some cucumber sandwiches. 

The new CO said, "you've done a very impressive job out here old chap... I see why they think highly of you in Whitehall.  Very impressive indeed." 

"Why that's nothing, Jonesy.  You haven't seen the best part of this station."

Jones-Smythe's curiosity was piqued.  "The best part?"

"Yes, my aide, Captain Smithers.  He's staying of course.  Fantastic chap, Smithers.  Brilliant soldier, anticipates every need, life of the party, and quick with his razor sharp wit!  A bit mouthy though." 

At that Wilson called for his Aide. "Smithers!" 

A moment later a hunchback staggered in, dragging a non-functioning leg.  A big chunk of his hair was missing, one eye had a huge growth coming out of the center, his teeth were snaggled and rotting, and he was shaking as if suffering from Parkinson's. 

"Smithers, tell Colonel Jones-Smythe about yourself." 

"Well sir, I attended Eaton, won a First in mathematics at Oxford, captained the rugby team in the Varsity Match, finished first in my class at Sandhurst, and represented England in the Olympics in Judo, plus I. . ."

"Enough, Smithers!" shouted Wilson.  "We know about all that... just tell Jonesy here about the day you told the witch doctor to 'fuck right off'." 

:lol:

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I dread to think where I d be now if my daughter hadn't found that lump on my testicle?

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14 hours ago, warbird said:

I dread to think where I d be now if my daughter hadn't found that lump on my testicle?

That reminds me of the infamous ...

How do you know your dad is gay?

.

.

.

When his dick tastes like shit.

 

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Is this the future of our privacy????

 

The Telephone is dialled for Gordon's Pizza --------- Brrrrrrr Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

 

“Hello, - is this Gordon's Pizza?”

 

“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”

 

“I must have dialled a wrong number.  Sorry.”

 

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”

 

“Oh!  Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”

 

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

 

“My usual?  You know me?”

 

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.*

 

“Right! That's just what I want.”

 

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

 

“What?  I detest vegetables!”

 

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

 

“How the hell do you know that?”

 

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

 

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

 

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

 

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

 

“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”

 

“I paid in cash.”

 

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

 

“I have other sources of cash.”

 

“That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,   which is against the law.”

 

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

 

“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

 

“Enough!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!!  I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – someplace where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!” 

 

“I understand, sir.  But do you know that you need to renew your passport first?  It expired 6 weeks ago.”

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That's not funny - that's the near future.

 

1984.jpg

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A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.


"I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, dessert, and a cigar until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."

The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."

The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 5-Star Italian restaurant.

They both eat like kings and, just as before, right at 2 am, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay.

The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening."

And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

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Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

 

He replied in a

 

raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 

He replied, "No money in the bank."

 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

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A winters night and the tight fisted Scotsman is dressing to go out. He tells his wife to to fetch her coat and hat. She says hopefully " Jocko, will ye be takin me to the pub wit you?"

He replies, "Nae lassie, I'll be shuttin off the heat!"

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So John is proofreading the Revelation that God dictated to him. He is reading it back to God to make sure he got it right.

John: "At the end times, the angels with flaming swords will cut down the harlots and the unbelievers. Their blood will run up to the horses bridle.
You will know the end is near because of the sound of the trumpets."

God: "Pretty close but the end is near because of Trump / Pence."

John: "That's what I said trumpets."

God: "Close enough they will figure it out."

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Why did the Greek rugby player dislike it whenever a scrum broke up?

He hated leaving his teammate's behind.

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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but, whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

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On 11/22/2017 at 7:08 PM, SloopJonB said:

So John is proofreading the Revelation that God dictated to him. He is reading it back to God to make sure he got it right.

John: "At the end times, the angels with flaming swords will cut down the harlots and the unbelievers. Their blood will run up to the horses bridle.
You will know the end is near because of the sound of the trumpets."

God: "Pretty close but the end is near because of Trump / Pence."

John: "That's what I said trumpets."

God: "Close enough they will figure it out."

How many times are you gonna post that lame joke?

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First time I've seen it. I actually think it's clever and funny. And I'm a die hard right-winger.  Unlike most on the left, I can enjoy a good joke at the expense of my political side.

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6 hours ago, PuffyJman said:

How many times are you gonna post that lame joke?

I think about 7 more times over the coming 18 months.

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady Two asked, "What's that?"
Lady One replied, "A condom."
Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"
Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

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A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "the Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.

He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!


The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

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9 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.

He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!


The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

 

golf clap...

 

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On 3/1/2004 at 4:36 PM, Pedro said:

A piece of string walks in to a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here! Get Out!"

 

As the string slinks out he sees another piece of string going in.

 

"Don't bother. They don't want us here."

 

Second piece of string ties himself into a figure eight and slaps himself against the wall, walks in, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Bartender says "Hey! You look like string! We don't serve string in here! Are you string?"

 

Second string says "Nope. Frayed knot."

Dammit.  I HATE that joke.

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2 minutes ago, Frayed Knot Arts said:

Dammit.  I HATE that joke.

OK, Ille hatte it to!                 :)

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An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Fine fine you win, Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of shit!"

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Not laughing.

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Might have been amusing 50 years ago.

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Sure, every other joke in this thread is ancient but you guys give me shit?

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6 minutes ago, bmiller said:

Sure, every other joke in this thread is ancient but you guys give me shit?

My nonna usse to saye "Dointe lette the bastirds waerre you dowe"    Chin up, an give a smille.                       :)

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29 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

My nonna usse to saye "Dointe lette the bastirds waerre you dowe"    Chin up, an give a smille.                       :)

OK, thanks, I'll settle down. Here's one for the asshats.

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

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You're really not doing well.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home early from a friend’s house, hears, and hides in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

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Sixteen-year-old daughter from a very proper family is allowed out unsupervised at night with her friends for the first time.

Mom tells her she must be home by 11:00pm and no drinking.

Girl comes home at 10:50, sober. Mom says she's proud of her.

Mom notices daughter's hair is full of rice.

"Gosh, you didn't say you were going to a wedding, sweetie?"

"It wasn't a wedding Mom. I was giving head to a Chinaman and he vomited on my head."

 

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7 hours ago, bmiller said:

OK, thanks, I'll settle down. Here's one for the asshats.

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

Millar do you have any jokes that make you laugh that are not taking the piss out of natives or gays?

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20 minutes ago, floating dutchman said:

What do you mean by "natives"

Those born in a certain country or something else?

This is a joke thread.  Start another one if you want to discuss it.

Edit: I was asking for other jokes.

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7 hours ago, bmiller said:

OK, thanks, I'll settle down. Here's one for the asshats.

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

I thought it was

Hi, can I bum a fag?

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Poofter Astronaut.  Couldn't get into orbit so he got into Herbert.

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Poofter cowboy.  He rode into town and shot up the sheriff.  But they couldn;t arrest him because he was well within the Law.

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Poofter Indian, kept stalking his mates.

 

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8 hours ago, random said:

Millar do you have any jokes that make you laugh?

FIFY

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Couple of poofters are in a hotel room. Next room over is a newlywed couple. The fire alarm goes off, who get out first?

 

 

 

 

The poofters, their shit's already packed.

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

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On 1/6/2018 at 8:41 PM, random said:

Poofter Indian, kept stalking his mates.

 

Poofter Marine. Never leaves his mates behind.

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On 1/6/2018 at 11:56 AM, Snaggletooth said:

My nonna usse to saye "Dointe lette the bastirds waerre you dowe"    Chin up, an give a smille.                       :)

The official Latin version is: Nil Bastardus Carborundum

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10 minutes ago, Last Post said:

The official Latin version is: Nil Bastardus Carborundum

Thack you.                       :)

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On 11/1/2017 at 9:40 PM, warbird said:

Sherrif: We're lookin' for a man wearing a paper shirt, paper pants, paper boots and a paper hat.
Deputy: What's he wanted for, boss?
Sherrif: Rustlin'.

groan :lol:

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6 hours ago, Last Post said:

The official Latin version is: Nil Bastardus Carborundum

Nil Illegitimii Carborundum

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Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of Yorkshire lads who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

He continued "She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”

Joe was flabbergasted when the old woman decked him with a right cross.o_O

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"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big feckin knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."

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I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual.

"Stop!" I said. "Don't even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You're moving in with Bob".

"How could you do such a terrible thing?" she whined. "Wasn't easy" I said. "You don't normally fold with four aces"

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What's it mean when you've got a girl on all fours and cum dripping out both corners of her mouth and her rear end???

















Floor's Level

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The Irish Wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' 

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. 

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. 

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream,:eek: then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. 

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' 

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' 

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about 
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. 

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for 
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male 
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a 
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. 

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. 

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" 

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" 

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. 
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite 
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still 
pretty narrow." 

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull 
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was 
extremely exciting to the woman. 

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate 
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went 
off together. 

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" 

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" 

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the 
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

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Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again and appears before the Magistrate court... 
 The Magistrate asks; “ Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"
Paddy answers: “I think it’s my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork.......

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In New York a new shop where women can choose and buy a Husband, has just been opened.
On the board at the shop entrance, women must first read the rules of how the shop operates:
You can visit the shop ONLY ONCE.
The are 6 floors and the characteristics of the men improve as you go up.
You can choose any man on the floor you are on or you can move up to the following floor.
You cannot never return back to the lower floor.
A woman decides to go and have a look at the Husband Shop as she wants to find a husband.

1st floor: "These men have a Job". Up she goes.

2nd floor: "These men have a job and love children". Up she goes.

3rd floor: "These men have a job, love children and are extremely handsome". Wow thinks the woman, but then up she goes again.

4th floor: "These men have a job, love children, are extremely handsome and help with the house cleaning". Incredible, thinks the woman, I can't hardly resist, but that said, decides once again to move up.

5th floor: "These men have a job, love children are extremely handsome, help with the house cleaning and are lovingly romantic". The woman, at this point, is tempted to enter and choose one...but up she goes.

6th floor: "You are Visitor N?. 31,456,112 of this floor. There are no men here. This floor exists only to demonstrate that it is impossible to satisfy a woman! Thank you for visiting our Shop."


In front of the Husband Shop, a Wife Shop has been recently opened.

On the first floor: "Women that love sex".

On the second floor: "Women that love sex, keep quiet and don't break your balls".


Floors 3 to 6 have never been visited.

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Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. 

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. 

Coroner:" Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" 

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct." 

Coroner: "I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt." 

Verne: " Was it a Titleist 3 ?" 

Coroner: "Yes, it was." 

Verne: "That was my mulligan."

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A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. 

He hears a priest come in: 

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". 

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

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  • Anarchist
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  • Sol Rosenberg
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

 

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

 

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

 

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

 

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

 

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

 

Reposted because it was worth it.

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Now that's what I call plagiarism!

Well done.

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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

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On 1/9/2018 at 1:03 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

there was a fire at a cheese factory in paris this morning

no one was hurt, but there was de-brie everywhere..

Groan^_^

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A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.” 

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A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!” 

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!” 

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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,

“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied,

“Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

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The county fair was coming to town and there was to be a contest at the fair for fattest pig and talented animals.
Three brother farmers were excited and decided to enter their prize pig, but he needed fattening up. They had 3 weeks before the contest, the first week they gave her extra food morning noon and night and she added 10 pounds, which was fantastic. The second week, they gave her twice as much food as the week before and she gained another 15 pounds. The brothers were delighted, but felt they could have done better getting her to gain weight for the contest. The three at around brain stormimg ideas on how to get her fatter. One said, "maybe, we can feed her some lead pellets. That will makher heavier." Another said, " how about we stick a cork in her ass?" The third agreed that was a great idea. They drew straws to see who would get the dirty job. After the cork was inserted and secured, they agreeed they should feed her as much food as she could eat in a week. This work extremely well the brothers thought. She gained so much weight she could barely be lifted into the truck.
Time for the contest arrived and the county fair opened and people came from all over to enter their prize pigs. The 3 brothers were 7th in line for registration. They finally registered and got their booth number. They spent the next 30 minutes looking for the booth andwhen they found it, they set up and unloaded their prize winner. About 10 minutes later, a gentleman with amonkey shows up and occupies the booth next to the brothers. The brothers introduced themselves and said they were here for the fattest pig contest. asked what he was there for? Thegentleman answered, " i am here toshow off how talented my monkey is", and proceeded to set up his booth. 
The judging was about to begin and the brothers looked worried and hoped they would be judged soon. They judgesmoved their way through the rows of booths and the contestants. They made their way to the gentleman with the monkey next to the brothers. Thejudges asked what the monkey's talent was and the gentleman answered, my monkey can remove corks from wine bottles! The brothers looked at each other and began to squirm a little. The man went to pull a few corked bottles from his case and the monkey got away from him. The monkey ran directlyto the pig and removed the cork the brothershad placed in the pigs ass.
About 35 minutes later when the police were talking with the 3 brothers to get their statement....
They asked the first brother, "what did you see?" 
The brother answered, "nothing but Shit!”
They asked the second brother, "what did you see?"
The second brother answered, " Nothing but Shit!”
The police then asked the third brother, "what did you see?" 
Third brother answers, "all i saw wasthat poor fucking monkey trying to put that cork back in!"

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