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On ‎8‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 5:47 AM, Shootist Jeff said:

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That right there is funny.....  I see what you did there.....

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A Blonde buys a bathtub, gets it home and after trying it, she decides she's not happy with it and takes it back.
She storms into the vendor in a rage and says she wants to return the bathtub because it doesn't hold any water!
The vendor says "Did you put the plug in?"
The Blonde says "I didn't realise it runs on electricity..."

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. 
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. 
License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

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 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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Did you hear about the Blonde who was in a spelling bee and was asked to spell Mississippi and the Blonde said, "Which one? The river or the state?"

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"Studies have shown that highly intelligent people swear more than stupid cocksucking motherfuckers."

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My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some role-play to spice things up.


So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.

 

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Butterfly wings.

Damn he was pretty to watch when he got the ball back then.

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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5 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

kinda sucks that Syria doesn't have any Walmarts...     Only Targets

The targets have all been replaced by Crater Joe's.

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A guy is sitting in a bar enjoying his run. A huge cockroach scurries up, grabs the guy in a choke hold, had the guy flopping around on the floor, then scurries off.

Next day the guy, bruised from the fight, again is enjoying his rum.  Huge cockroach scurries up and punches the guy in the face and scurries off.

Next day, bruised and a black eye, guy sips his rum through a split lip. Huge cockroach scurries up and stabs the guy in the back, five times!

They  rush the guy to the ER. Stabbed, bruised, beaten. He explains his injuries to the Doc. The Doc says "Ahh, I've heard there is a nasty bug going around".

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Guy walks into bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders his drink and sits down.

Monkey scurries around the floor picking up peanuts, chips and whatever, & eating them.

, scurries up on the pool table, and before anyone can react, grabs the 7 ball and eats it.

Pool players get angry cuz of a beer on the game.

Bartender gets angry about the 7 ball.

Guy apologizes for the monkey all around,

, buys a beer for each of the pool players, 

, pays the bartender for a new set of balls,

, grabs the monkey by the throat, stuffs it back on his shoulder, and leaves.

 

Couple weeks later same guy w/monkey comes back in.

Bartender says " ? are we gonna have any trouble with yer monkey ?? "

Guy sez ", don't think so".

Monkey scurries around the floor, finds a peanut, but reaches around and stuffs it up his ass before he eats it.

Pool players & bartender say;  :o WTF?!? :o

 

Guy sez,,

Kinda weird, , last coupla weeks, before he eats anything,

he measures it.

 

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Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder meet in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it    
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But—you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. 
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, 
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground 
and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, actually—I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. 
Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. 
When would you like to play?" 


Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

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A beautiful woman asks her doctor, "Doctor please will you give me a kiss?"
"Goodness no!" says the doctor. "That would be completely against my code of ethics."
"Oh please," begs the woman. "Just one kiss?"
"Certainly not," says the doctor. "Strictly speaking we shouldn't even be having sex."

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While golfing late one afternoon, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart.


A very attractive, young female golfer, who lived on her own in a villa on the course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?” "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, pulling himself out of the twisted cart.


She said, "Come up to my villa and rest a while. I’ll help you get the cart up later.” The old fella noticed that her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.


"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t really think my wife would like it.”


"Oh, come on now!" She was insistent, pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak, and pondered. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.


After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “Thank you. I do feel a lot better now. But you know, my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”


"Don’t be so silly!" she said with a smile, as her robe fell slightly more open. "Stay for a while,” she purred. Your wife won’t know anything. After all, where is she?”


He replied, “At a guess, I suppose she’ll still be under the cart."

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A man goes into a barbershop and asks for a shave. The barber starts shaving him and then after a few minutes produces a pair of small wooden balls and says, "Here, just pop these in your mouth to stretch your cheeks so I can give you a nice close shave."
The man puts the balls in his mouth between his cheeks and gums and the barber finishes the shave. At the end the man tells the barber, "That was the closest shave I've ever had. There's just one problem. I've accidentally swallowed one of your little wooden balls."
"That's okay," says the barber. "It's happened before. Just do what everyone else does. Bring it back tomorrow."

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Four avid golfers who like to gamble and never miss a game are playing in a foursome one Saturday. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $1000.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $1000, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

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A guy went golfing with his buddles and when he got home he was soaked in sweat, clothes were a mess etc.

His wife asked him what happened and he said "On the first hole I got a birdy, second hole I hit par, third hole another birdy - it went like that for the whole front nine - best round I ever played."

"Then on the ninth hole George dropped dead - we tried CPR but it was no use".

"Oh my God, that's terrible - is that why you're such a mess?"

"No, that happened later - the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."

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A widow is sitting at her husband's funeral,  

a young man steps up and asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

no go ahead, she replied..

the man stands back, clears his throat,  says PLETHORA, and sits back down...

Thanks she replied, "that means alot" 

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Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

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On 4/18/2018 at 10:51 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

A widow is sitting at her husband's funeral,  

a young man steps up and asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

no go ahead, she replied..

the man stands back, clears his throat,  says PLETHORA, and sits back down...

Thanks she replied, "that means alot" 

Boooooo  :P

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On 5/2/2018 at 6:29 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

adK1NvZ_460s.jpg

I actually LOL.  :lol:

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  For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.  His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job.  I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”
      The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.  So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.  Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.  And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no *#@$* bike.” 
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On 5/2/2018 at 2:57 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aPjmg3G_460s.jpg

Why did they put him in Jail?

Cos...

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Clew Bay Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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I was awakened at about 2am by a knock on the door.

A Policeman was standing there.

He said, 'I'm sorry to say this, sir - but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus'.

I said, 'Yeah, but she's good in bed, and great with the kids, what's up?'.

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On 5/6/2018 at 10:44 PM, Max Rockatansky said:

Past, Present and Future went into a bar. 

 

 

 

It was tense. 

A Boy Scout and a Girl Guide were caught fornicating. Apparently it was in tents.

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A woman was at her hairdresser … getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  
 
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” 
 
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!”  
 
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
 
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.”  
 
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
 
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
 
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” 
 
 
A month later, the woman again came back in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to First Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their Owner's Suite at no extra charge!”
 
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
 
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
 
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
 
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?”
 
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?" 
 
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By law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

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5 hours ago, Happy said:

By law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

Invoice 

1 Keyboard

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Call a woman beautiful 1000 times and she'll never notice

Call her fat once and she'll never forget it









That's because Elephants never forget

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An art collector is walking through the the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a pet store.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for $10.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you $50 for that cat.” And the pet shop owner says “Sold...”

The collector says “Hey, for another $10 could you throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used it and it’ll save me from having to get a new one "
And the owner says, “Sorry pal but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold 68 cats...

 

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The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

      A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father
in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming  to my
inauguration?"

       "I don't think so.  It's a long drive; your mom isn't  as young as
she used to be, we'll have the  dog with us, and my arthritis  is acting
up in my knee."

      "Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will
pick you up at your door," she  said.

      "I don't know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What  would your
mother wear?"

       "Oh, Dad," she replied,   "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

        "Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat  those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

         The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.   The entire
affair is going to be handled  by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll
ensure your meals are salt-free.  Dad, I really want you to  come."

       So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 24, 2024
arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United
States.

       The parents are seated in the front row.  The President's dad
sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers,

"You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible,

becoming President of the United States?

        The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

         Dad says proudly,  "Her brother plays football for  the Packers."

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I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You're kind’a cute.

You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "Good, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy...............who GAF?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a knee in the nuts, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares? ??

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7 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aLjAN85_460s.jpg

You really need to dive into the very worst of childrens programming to  smile at that ,  I did..........:(

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An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”
The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”
The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”
The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
“We throw them away, of course.”
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”
Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s

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A story about mateship.

Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.


Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

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A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...
Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?
Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?
Woman: Yes, I promise.
Man: I had sex with your sister.

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I've always wondered why women fuss so much about makeup and perfume.

My buddy reckons it's because they're ugly and they stink.

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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

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An armed Panda walks into a bar.  Eats shoots and leaves.

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An Atheist in the woods
 
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers ! 
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
 
 
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
 
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him 
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
 
He looked over his shoulder again, 
and the bear was even closer ....
 
 
and then ..... he tripped and fell.
 
 
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ... 
reaching towards him with its left paw ... 
and raising the right paw to strike ... 
 
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 
'Oh my God!'
 
Time stopped ... 
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....
 
A bright light shone upon the man, 
and a voice came out of the sky ...
 
"You deny my existence for all these years, 
you teach others I don't exist 
and even credit creation to cosmic accident .... 
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
 
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...  
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
 
... a pause ...   
"Very well," said the voice ...
 
 
The light went out. 
The sounds of the forest resumed ...
 
And the bear dropped his right arm .... 
brought both paws together .... 
bowed his head & spoke ...  
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive."
 
 
 
 

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A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him. “Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget. The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.” The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”
 

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