JOD

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My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. ...



What sort of sick woman puts chloroform on her dirty knickers!

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*THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST* I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car !

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Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 18 years. Every morning he gets dressed, gets in his fancy car, and gets driven off to hang out with his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with girls young enough to be his granddaughters. He's told me so himself. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive liquor day and night. We have separate bedrooms because he says he knows I'm a lesbian, and my fat behind and varicose veins turn him off.  Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just leave him?

Sincerely, Mad as Hell.

 

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and leave ASAP. Don't resort to violence and keep it dignified. Remember, you were once nearly elected President of the United States.

Sincerely, Abby.

 

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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem"?

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues"!

"How does he drive you crazy"?

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else"?

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public"!

"Hmm, anything else"?

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control"!

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now".

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you".

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem"?

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else".

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".

"What did he say"?

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes"!

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry".

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay".

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public".

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean".

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity".

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking".

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing".

"What did he say"?

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up"!'

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A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex"?

"Well, yes, I did once".

"Well, how did he look"?

"Very angry".

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time"?

"Well he was looking through the window at us".

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A certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when toward nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name: The Even Steven.

Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night. He registered, listing his occupation as a bookmaker, and decided to satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie, appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boyfriends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even, and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted.

Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and gotten rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I've got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered that I'm a professional bookmaker: I only lay Odds."

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One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

"Throw me my 7-iron," Jim shouts back. "I just realized you can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

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One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual and that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in one of the plates.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. He said he`d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the front. The pastor told her how wonderful her gift was and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I`ll take him and him and him".

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The prostate doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the prostate doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the prostate doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that the prostate doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The prostate doctor flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT"!

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God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year". God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was s**t, no atmosphere and too dusty".

"What about Pluto" suggests another? "No way" God mutters! "I went there 10,000 years ago. F***ing freezing it was too".

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again".

"I've got it", says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation"?

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it".

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking"?

"Just water", says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine"?

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again"!

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles -- terminal blue balls.

He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions".

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite and uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions"?

The room immediately stilled.

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one".

After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition"?

The Pope replied, "Big tits"!

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on Fridays after work for a drink...

One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"...

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some of us guys out all together".

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On 9/5/2018 at 7:55 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aR3nMVA_460s.jpg

FUCK YOU!  I almost choked on my GnT!  :lol::lol:

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Two old guys from Florida, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies'.

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread'?

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'.

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me'.

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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts separately with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman, now much older, stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.

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Lil' Johnny And Lil' Suzie Were Walking home from school one day.

 

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?


Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!

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a lumberjack walks into a magical forest to chop down a tree

he arrives before a large oak and just before he swings his axe the tree shouts ..  

"Wait I'm a talking tree.."

lumberjack responds   "then you will dialogue "

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6 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a lumberjack walks into a magical forest to chop down a tree

he arrives before a large oak and just before he swings his axe the tree shouts ..  

"Wait I'm a talking tree.."

lumberjack responds   "then you will dialogue "

BOOOOOOOO!

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Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds.

He decided to climb it.

After climbing up to the 1st cloud he met a very attractive fit red headed woman who said,

“Jack, have sex with me or climb the ladder to success !”

This wasn’t a hard choice for Jack and he quickly ran up the ladder to see what the next opportunity was.

At the 2nd cloud he met a very attractive brunette, with a fantastic set of legs & a heart shaped arse who said,

“Jack, make passionate love to me all night long, or climb the ladder to success !”

Figuring things could only get better, Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the 3rd cloud he met an absolutely stunning blonde with the most voluptuous lips and the greatest rack Jack had ever seen !

She said to him,

“Jack, have hardcore sex with me or climb the ladder to success”.

Since things were getting better and better the higher he got, Jack chose once again to climb the ladder.

At the 4th cloud he met the most gorgeous Brazilian beauty to ever grace the earth – She was the epitome of everything feminine in the female form.

She looked at him seductively and begged,

“Jack, please have sex with me and satisfy my every sexual desire, or climb the ladder to success”.

Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring things could only get better, he chose to climb the ladder one last time.

Arriving at the 5th cloud, Jack was startled when a handsome naked man grabbed him.

Jack screamed, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ?!!”

The man looked Jack straight in the eyes and said (in a deep voice),

“Hi…I’m Cess !!!”

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Greed - it'll get you every time.

 

A department store opened in New York City that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.
At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.
The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor.
The sign reads:
· Men with jobs.
She moves on to the second floor:
· Men with jobs that adore children.
She moves on the the third floor where the sign reads:
· Wealthy men that adore children and are very handsome.
She thinks to herself, "that's a very good deal" yet moves on to the fourth floor:
· Wealthy men that adore children, are very handsome and help with the household chores.
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving:
· Wealthy men that adore childern, are very handsome, help with the household chores and are very romantic.
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor.
There the sign reads:
· You are visitor number 31,456,012 on this floor.
· There are no men here.
· This floor exists as proof that it is impossible to please women.

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.


The waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqu and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
  

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A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So, he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So, he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

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Whats the difference  between  Lentils and Chickpea?

 

 

 

 

You wouldn't  want Lentils on your face....

 

 

 

 

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Just now, Headntac said:

Whats the difference  between  Lentils and Chickpea?

 

 

 

 

You wouldn't  want Lentils on your face....

thast a hotte messe                             :)

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine.


"No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. '


But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up

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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh Tom!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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Went to a Chinese restaurant last night. Waiter brought the food, and I looked into my bowl. Under the noodles I saw two eyes looking back at me. I called the waiter back, and asked what was going on. He replied, “didn’t you order the Peking Duck?”

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Bloke at the caravan park asked me how come I was fighting with the guy in the caravan next to me this morning. I said " Would you like to be camped next to someone that walks around nude,touches himself constantly, and ogles your wife.
He said. "I wouldn't like that"
I said "No, well neither did he"

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? "

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it. "

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!

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52 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

current satellite photo of canada

 

a4Q40Ep_460s.jpg

Not quite.  The government is handling sales and Canada Post is delivering so we have clear blue skies in Ontario.

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"Dear Dr. Phil, I'm a 13-year-old girl in Nebraska, and I'm still not pregnant.  Do you think my brother might be gay?"

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a2ZPxOD_460s.jpg

She definitely got his P.O.E.

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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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Wife walks into the kitchen and see hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

Hunting flies.

Any luck?

Yep, 2 females and 3 males...

How do you know that?

Three on the beer can and two on the phone.

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 An engaged couple shortly before their wedding were tragically killed in an auto accident..

  upon reaching the pearly gates, they ran into St Peter.  after the obligatory small talk the woman told him that they were soon to be married before their untimely demise.

and if there was a way be wed in heaven?

  "hmm, he muttered, 'i don't recall ever being asked that,  hang on and i'll find out.'

  After a while, St Peter returned, somewhat disheveled and out of breath he said that 'yes'  they could work out the arrangement to marry them. 

   The woman was elated and looked to her fiance who had a more concerned look on his face.

  The man turned to St Peter and said ' ya know, we're gonna be up hear for a long time, and , well these marriages don't always work out, ya know. So, um, 

 can you check and see if it's possible to get a divorce as well?

  With a stern look, St Peter replied,  ' common now,  it took me nearly five hours to find a priest up here,  i'm never gonna find a lawyer!!

  

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As I was crawling into bed last night she said. "You're drunk."

"What, me? How do you know?"

"You live next door."

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