JOD

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3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

....best when it's a party of four or more....

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On 12/31/2018 at 6:45 AM, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

Lemon would work too..... 

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  With the recent flurry of space travel planned for 2019,  The Polish Space Agency, in effort to really raise the bar, has made a bold announcement.

   They plan to launch two Plastronauts for a round trip journey to the Sun and back, including a brief landing on the surface!

   This news has rippled through the global space agencies, with obvious concern.

    In a recent news conference, the head of the PSA made statements to allay the fears and questions facing this monumental effort.

    In addition to mention of standard safety protocol and high tech engineering of the craft and plastronauts suits, he pulled an Ace out of his hand

when stating they would be landing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  AT NIGHT!!! 

  

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A guy on his honeymoon died in a shark attack.

He didn't suffer long, he was only married 6 days.

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On 12/21/2018 at 9:33 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aVY3yqP_460s.jpg

The guy on the right looks a like Joe Pesci. Would that make those the three wise guys?

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25 minutes ago, blunderfull said:

Men are boys with cooler toys:

Brian Shul.  Such a good man. 

He was here doing his speech to a sell-out crowd at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos CA just a couple of weeks ago and I took a couple of buddies.  Same speech, same SR-71 speed check story.  

He spent hours signing his big books, "Sled Driver" and "The Untouchables".  A good man - covered with burn scar tissue from his fiery fighter crash into the jungle in Vietnam, and a wildlife photographer now.  As he said, "I don't shoot bad people now.  I shoot butterflies."

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10 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aZL0y8V_460s.jpg

 

Okay, I'll bite; what's an IG account?

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34 minutes ago, Laurent said:

And who is Alexa?

 

Amazons "Smart Speaker"

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18 minutes ago, Laurent said:

Billy, Billy, Billy,

 

 

That was a joke...

 

Laurent, Laurent, Laurent,

 

You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!!

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9 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!!

No, he juste gotte you.                           :)

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11 hours ago, Laurent said:

Billy, Billy, Billy,

 

 

That was a joke...

Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was.  and I had to google IG account....

I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me,

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I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you".

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2 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you".

As you should. I guess we are not far from the moment where they will start to appreciate it...

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3 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was.  and I had to google IG account....

I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me,

Not being tech savvy is not a bad place to be. 

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18 hours ago, Laurent said:

And who is Alexa?

A device used by people who are too lazy to turn off the lights that is spying on you in order to sell shit to you.

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5 hours ago, bmiller said:

A device used by people who are too lazy to turn off the lights that is spying on you in order to sell shit to you.

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

I gifted one to MrsWarBird. She is not tech savvy. Pandora confuses her. She can ask for weather, her radio station, 50s rock and roll, and gets what she wants. She has it on only when she wants it. 

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PONDERISMS
 

  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously
. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
 
Life is sexually transmitted .

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 


 
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
 
 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 
 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 


  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 
 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 

 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

 
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'
 
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 
 
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?  

 

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T0 MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching cricket, rugby, etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe...!

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6 hours ago, SloopJohnB said:

22 times you had a headache

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

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27 minutes ago, peejay said:

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

My girlfriend used to boast about her ability to multitask.  So I told her to sit down and shut up.  She couldn't do either one, let alone at the same time.

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On 1/18/2019 at 10:57 AM, peejay said:

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

i had a girlfriend who said sex helped  cure her headaches.. I always played thrash metal real loud..

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Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

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4 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Too soon after that nutcase raped that woman in a coma (who just had a baby).   That guy is truly a sick person.   

 

Not you Glenn... the male nurse.

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3 hours ago, Windward said:

Too soon after that nutcase raped that woman in a coma (who just had a baby).   That guy is truly a sick person.   

 

Not you Glenn... the male nurse.

i guess you didn't read to the end....    what part of veterinarian do you not find funny?

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i guess you didn't read to the end....    what part of veterinarian do you not find funny?

Who caires abote anny specialle diette the guye is on.  Hese a nutte!

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37 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

Who caires abote anny specialle diette the guye is on.  Hese a nutte!

Where's The Beef he asked sheepishly. 

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:47 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

what, you think you're phone isn't doing that anyway? 

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image.png.9d08f793ef8c7fca7d3267f9445930dd.png

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Friend of mine went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand..."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

his turban....

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3 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:
1 hour ago, warbird said:

his turban....

DOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!        

yup, shoulda ascertained ahead of time whether it was the turban kind or the casino kind...  ambiguity can bite pretty hard... :)

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1 hour ago, mainsheetsister said:

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas. 

It was motherfucking gold.

Great joke! and just for the record, I always get a wistful smile when I read those quotes from your sister, particularly the last one....

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Another old joke but still makes me smile

A truck loaded with a thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, shedding it's load across the highway.

You should've seen it, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed!

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7 hours ago, d'ranger said:

Another old joke but still makes me smile

A truck loaded with a thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, shedding it's load across the highway.

You should've seen it, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed!

 

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13 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a0Qen3X_460swp.webp

Looks like the same guy I photographed at Denver International Airport back in July!

 

37920007_10209836052978195_714014767949283328_o.jpg

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I keep having sexual fantasies about a girl I met when I was at school, even though I'm a happily married man



Am I a bad husband?
 

 

 

 

 

 




Or just a bad teacher?

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WHY did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper all retire from the music scene at the same time on February 3rd, 1959?

Their vocal chords were damaged in an accident.

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Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.   
 
Here's how the scam works;   Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but 

instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. 
 

You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. 
 
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. 
 

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant. 
 

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. 
 

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart. 
 

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

WL

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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month-anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a small box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you. I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too. However, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball..."

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It's not so easy as you think to donate a kidney.

They ask all sorts of awkward questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"
 

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
 
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."
 
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
 
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole.  Do you understand all that?"
 
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
 
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
 
"No, coach."
 
"Good", said the coach.  "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

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 Sensitivity?!?

 

 

Outback Mobile Phone Tower

 Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Bruce, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Bruce says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

 Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer, Bruce?"

 "Coot's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies.

 "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

 "Well, not exactly," Bruce says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

 Aussies are so good at handling the sensitive stuff.

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43 minutes ago, SloopJohnB said:

 Sensitivity?!?

 

 

Outback Mobile Phone Tower

 Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Bruce, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Bruce says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

 Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer, Bruce?"

 "Coot's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies.

 "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

 "Well, not exactly," Bruce says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

 Aussies are so good at handling the sensitive stuff.

:D

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Irish Divorce


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. 


"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 


"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?  Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ; 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. 

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.  

 

She never got your email!"

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17 minutes ago, SloopJohnB said:

Irish Divorce


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. 


"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 


"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?  Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ; 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. 

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.  

 

She never got your email!"

 

Good one!!

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