JOD

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who's on first?

 

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On 12/15/2018 at 7:10 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

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Galileo, Galileo.......

Edit:  I see cal20 is a bit slow today.

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2 hours ago, Shootist Jeff said:

Galileo, Galileo.......

Edit:  I see cal20 is a bit slow today.

And yet, you're still gay.  Jeff, I read the report and know why you left the AF.  

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The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal tigers running loose, that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of game.

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On 12/11/2018 at 5:08 PM, blunderfull said:

Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either!

Yeah, but it's true. If it fucks, flies or floats, it's cheaper to rent...

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12 hours ago, Remodel said:

Yeah, but it's true. If it fucks, flies or floats, it's cheaper to rent...

Better still, get paid to service the rich mans toy. 

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It is the first Christmas, and the crêche scene is organizing. Mary and Joseph are gazing lovingly on the babe, the sheep and donkeys are looking on, the shepherds are amazed. 

Soon, the three Wise Men arrive, and as one of them walks into the stable, he steps on a rake, and the handle swings up, whacking him in the forehead. “Jesus Christ!’ he exclaims. 

Mary turns to Joseph, and in a thick Yiddish accent, says, “Ya know, Joe...? I like det name bettah den Oiving!”

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On 12/17/2018 at 11:55 AM, Bump-n-Grind said:

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I was sure the punchline was gonna be 'I'll keep an eye out for ya!'

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So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent.

 He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?"....

 The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!".

 The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"......

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21 minutes ago, Mrleft8 said:

So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent.

 He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?"....

 The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!".

 The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"......

An oldie but a goodie. :D

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On 12/20/2018 at 4:34 PM, Chris in Santa Cruz, CA said:

There once was a man from bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay,

But the heat from his prick turned the cunt to a brick and

He rubbed all his foreskin away

There once was a lady named Rhoda

Who kept an immoral Pagoda

The walls of the halls

were festooned with the balls

from the tools of the fools that bestrode her

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Two nuns are seated at a restaurant next to two truck drivers, who decide to get the nuns a little upset.

One guy says to the other “You know something? My parents were never married! And my Dad left when I was 6.” The other guy says “Is that so?! I never met my Dad and there was always a man around but they were only interested in my mom because she was a whore!”

After a moment of silence, one of the nuns turned to the truckers and said “Could we bother you bastards to please pass the salt?”

 

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WAGE AUDIT BY IRS


The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to—the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"

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Dear Santa                 

I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind,

I’ll buy my own stuff.

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Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year and always down the chimney.

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7 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a6OOxQ2_460s.jpg

 

Miranda bears something of a resemblance, for sure!

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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" 

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." 

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." 

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

 

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On 12/22/2018 at 4:51 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

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A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant.  It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party".

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Joe Walsh (Eagles) story as told by Dean Delray:

’ We’re backstage eating a deli tray when Joe (headling the bill) sees us and heads over.

(Joe’s life’s in the shitter post-Eagles and boozing big time.   Manager warns him that if he cancels just one date the whole tour is over.)

‘Joe:  you guys shouldn’t eat that crappy stuff.  I got violent food poisoning from a deli tray right before a show and almost blew the gig.  

Manager:   Yea, he had the shits so bad I had someone go out and get some hip waders for him   Only way he could do the show.  Those days he was wearing all kinds weird shit so no one noticed.

Only problem was as the shit heated up in the boots from stage lights he got bad acid burns on his legs.  Finished the show tho.’

 

F’king rock n’ roll Joe Walsh.

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On ‎12‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 1:02 AM, valis said:

A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant.  It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party".

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

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3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

....best when it's a party of four or more....

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On 12/31/2018 at 6:45 AM, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

Lemon would work too..... 

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  With the recent flurry of space travel planned for 2019,  The Polish Space Agency, in effort to really raise the bar, has made a bold announcement.

   They plan to launch two Plastronauts for a round trip journey to the Sun and back, including a brief landing on the surface!

   This news has rippled through the global space agencies, with obvious concern.

    In a recent news conference, the head of the PSA made statements to allay the fears and questions facing this monumental effort.

    In addition to mention of standard safety protocol and high tech engineering of the craft and plastronauts suits, he pulled an Ace out of his hand

when stating they would be landing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  AT NIGHT!!! 

  

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A guy on his honeymoon died in a shark attack.

He didn't suffer long, he was only married 6 days.

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On 12/21/2018 at 9:33 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aVY3yqP_460s.jpg

The guy on the right looks a like Joe Pesci. Would that make those the three wise guys?

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25 minutes ago, blunderfull said:

Men are boys with cooler toys:

Brian Shul.  Such a good man. 

He was here doing his speech to a sell-out crowd at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos CA just a couple of weeks ago and I took a couple of buddies.  Same speech, same SR-71 speed check story.  

He spent hours signing his big books, "Sled Driver" and "The Untouchables".  A good man - covered with burn scar tissue from his fiery fighter crash into the jungle in Vietnam, and a wildlife photographer now.  As he said, "I don't shoot bad people now.  I shoot butterflies."

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10 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aZL0y8V_460s.jpg

 

Okay, I'll bite; what's an IG account?

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34 minutes ago, Laurent said:

And who is Alexa?

 

Amazons "Smart Speaker"

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18 minutes ago, Laurent said:

Billy, Billy, Billy,

 

 

That was a joke...

 

Laurent, Laurent, Laurent,

 

You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!!

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9 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!!

No, he juste gotte you.                           :)

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11 hours ago, Laurent said:

Billy, Billy, Billy,

 

 

That was a joke...

Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was.  and I had to google IG account....

I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me,

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I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you".

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2 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you".

As you should. I guess we are not far from the moment where they will start to appreciate it...

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3 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was.  and I had to google IG account....

I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me,

Not being tech savvy is not a bad place to be. 

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18 hours ago, Laurent said:

And who is Alexa?

A device used by people who are too lazy to turn off the lights that is spying on you in order to sell shit to you.

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5 hours ago, bmiller said:

A device used by people who are too lazy to turn off the lights that is spying on you in order to sell shit to you.

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

I gifted one to MrsWarBird. She is not tech savvy. Pandora confuses her. She can ask for weather, her radio station, 50s rock and roll, and gets what she wants. She has it on only when she wants it. 

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PONDERISMS
 

  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously
. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
 
Life is sexually transmitted .

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 


 
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
 
 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 
 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 


  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 
 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 

 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

 
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'
 
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 
 
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?  

 

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T0 MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching cricket, rugby, etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe...!

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6 hours ago, SloopJohnB said:

22 times you had a headache

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

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27 minutes ago, peejay said:

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

My girlfriend used to boast about her ability to multitask.  So I told her to sit down and shut up.  She couldn't do either one, let alone at the same time.

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On 1/18/2019 at 10:57 AM, peejay said:

If women are so good at multitasking why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?

i had a girlfriend who said sex helped  cure her headaches.. I always played thrash metal real loud..

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Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

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4 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Too soon after that nutcase raped that woman in a coma (who just had a baby).   That guy is truly a sick person.   

 

Not you Glenn... the male nurse.

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3 hours ago, Windward said:

Too soon after that nutcase raped that woman in a coma (who just had a baby).   That guy is truly a sick person.   

 

Not you Glenn... the male nurse.

i guess you didn't read to the end....    what part of veterinarian do you not find funny?

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i guess you didn't read to the end....    what part of veterinarian do you not find funny?

Who caires abote anny specialle diette the guye is on.  Hese a nutte!

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37 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

Who caires abote anny specialle diette the guye is on.  Hese a nutte!

Where's The Beef he asked sheepishly. 

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:47 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

what, you think you're phone isn't doing that anyway? 

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