JOD

Joke

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

 

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

 

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron

all day long?"

 

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started."

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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

 

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

 

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

 

"No" she replies, " I'm your son's English Teacher"

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This is not PC, I'll apologise now if anyone takes offence as that is not my intent OK.

 

2 Iraqi women are sitting in the shade enjoying a cold cup of goat milk and having a chat. The first woman says "It's so long since I've seen you, how is you son Achmed?"

 

"Ah, alas poor Achmed he has died, he became a martyr"

 

"And Abdhul?"

 

"Abdhul? Yes he to became a martyr?"

 

"Oh that's terrible! And what of your youngest son, Jalil?"

 

"Oh Jalil, he would be 18 this year if he had survived (sniff) Jalil too chose the holy road to matyrdom"

 

The first lady shaking her head says "Tsk, tsk, tsk....kids nowadays....they blow up so quickly!"

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A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That' s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a bull with a sign saying "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says " That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says.... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

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Not a joke per se, but it made me laugh....

 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so

we decided to get married.

 

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my

girlfriend? She was a dream!

 

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one

thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty

years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would

regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view

of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she

was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered

to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires

for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I

got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead

with it just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned.

 

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she

reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the

stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight

to the front door.

 

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

 

I walked straight towards my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he

hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little

test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

 

 

 

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take

any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible

smell. It never happens when I am on my own" This quite intrigued

the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the

problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the

wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the

street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran

several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that

terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

 

"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".

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>A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather

> >dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

> >

> >He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

> >although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says

> >"Sorry, do you know me?"

> >

> >She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one

> >of my children!"

> >

> >His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

> >

> >"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged

> >on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me

> >with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

> >

> >"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

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>The Silent Treatment

>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

>each

>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the

>next day,

>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning

>business flight.

>Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he

>wrote on a piece of paper,

>"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find

>it.

>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

>and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

>see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of

>paper by

>the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the

>classes.

>

>They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their

>meanings.

>

>The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion

>on the word "tragedy", so the illustrious leader asked the class for an

>example of a "tragedy".

>

>One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a

>farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,

>that would be a tragedy.

>

>"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident".

>

>A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children

>drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

>

>"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a

>great loss".

>

>The room went silent. No other children volunteered and Mr Bush searched

>the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a

>tragedy?"

>

>Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his

>hand..............

>

>In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush,

>was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that

>would be a tragedy."

>

>"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell us why

>that would be a tragedy?"

>

>"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

>wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident

>either!"

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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

 

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT

 

MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE

 

PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR

 

ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY

 

BIRTHDAY."

 

 

 

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL

 

REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN

 

I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING

PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT

 

DESPONDENT.

 

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,

 

BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE

 

HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCKAND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON

 

MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND

 

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

 

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

 

LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD

 

GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE

HAD

 

TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY

 

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A

 

BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

 

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

 

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

 

 

 

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS,

 

IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL

 

BE RIGHT BACK."

 

 

 

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

 

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE

CAME

 

OUT

 

CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND

 

DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

 

 

 

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

 

ON THE COUCH...

 

 

 

NAKED.

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A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather

dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to

him.

 

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he

says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you

might be the father of one of my children !"

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

 

"My goodness he says, are you the stripogram on my stag night that I

bonked on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate

whipped me with some wet celery!?"

 

 

 

No she replies coldly, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"...

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Paddy,

look up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it was funnier the first time.

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George W is out on his morning jog and he trips , stumbles and falls over the railing of a bridge and lands in the creek below.

 

Before the secret service blokes can run down 3 kids that were fishing have dragged the Pres out of the creek. He was so grateful he offered the kids anything they wanted.

 

The first kid says"I want to go to Disneyland"

 

"No problem" says George " I'll even fly you there in Air force 1"

 

The 2nd kid says "I want a new pair of Air Jordans"

 

George says" I'll get them for and I'll even have Michael sign them"

 

The 3rd kid says "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and a stereo headset"

 

George is a bit perplexed and says "But you dont look like your handicapped"

 

The kid replies "Yeah, but I will be when my Dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!"

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Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls

Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

 

They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they whiz

behind a headstone.

 

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought

She'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

 

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and

didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon

from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the

ribbon.

 

After finishing, they then made off for home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and

said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came

home last night without her panties."

 

"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a

card stuck to her ass that said,

 

'FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

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George Carlin in one his rare politically incorrect performances:

 

ring ring...ring ring.....

Hello?........HELLO?

 

Caller: Er...helloo ... is this... er....George? :unsure:

 

Yes. This is he. Who's that?

 

Caller: This is Jane

 

"Jane? Jane who?

 

Caller: You know Jane........you met me at a party a couple of weeks ago and said.........well you said I was a good sport. :rolleyes:

 

OH JANE !! Yeh I remember you! HOW THE HELL ARE YA?

 

Caller: I'M PREGNANT.....AND I'M GOING TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW !! :(

 

HEY.....you ARE a good sport!

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Two cops in Michigan sitting in their patrol car by the side of the road having coffee and doughnuts when.......

 

clip clop clip clop....clip clop clip clop

 

bu..bump....bu..bump

 

clip clop...clip clop

 

bu..bump....bu..bump

 

clip clop clip clop....clip clop clip clop

 

Hey ...did you see that??

No...What?

 

An Amish hit and run !

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Young Muslim Girl in a bag shop trying on a backpack turns around to her friend and says " Does my bomb look big in this?"

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

 

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

 

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

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Q. Whats the difrence between a gay bloke and a microwave

 

 

 

 

 

A: The microwave doesnt brown your meat

or a refrigerator:

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

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There's these 2 antennas sitting on a roof. One day they decided to get married.

 

The wedding wasn't much but the reception was fantastic!

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There's these 2 antennas sitting on a roof. One day they decided to get married.

 

The wedding wasn't much but the reception was fantastic!

That is a shocker Grumpy

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Got home last night and my wife wanted to go out "someplace expensive".

 

So we went to the gas station.

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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

 

 

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of is wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

 

 

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

 

 

Again,the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

 

 

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

 

 

She answered,

 

 

“I'm waiting for The teeth."

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Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

 

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

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Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by.

 

One stops his putt and as two hearses slowly drive by he puts his hand on his heart and bows his head.

 

The hearses are followed by a man walking a pitbull on a leash with behind them 100 men in a line.

 

At this the first golfer kneels down and prostrates himself on the ground before getting up and finishing his putt.

 

2nd golfer says "I can't believe the way you paid your respects to the departed.

 

1st golfer: Well, that was my wife and my mother in law in the hearses.

 

2nd golder: Shit what happened.

 

1st golfer: That was also my pitbull, it killed both of them.

 

2nd golfer : Where do you get a dog like that.

 

1st golfer : Join the queue.

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

 

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

 

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

 

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

 

Then Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage t hrough my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this.

I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

 

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

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Another version of the joke scribe just told:

 

Avid golfer, never missed a weekend game with his buddies, is getting ready to sink a birdie putt. He's just about at the end of his backswing when a funeral procession goes by . He stops mid stroke, takes off his hat, holds it over his heart and stands silent until the last car in the processsion drives by. Then he then goes back to his putt as if nothing happened.

 

His buddies are flabbergasted... John says "Ed, I never knew you could be so respectful to the dead. I didn't think anything could distract you from your golf game". Ed says "Well, its the least I could do... I've been married to the old bag for 25 years!"

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After having their 11th child, a Scottish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The husband said to the doctor, Crikey, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and South Australia.

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Recently I received a warning about the use of the above politically incorrect term.

 

Please Note:

 

We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts, our religion, our freedom and our way of life in general and want to kill all of us for the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called "Towel Heads".

 

This is because the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.

 

Therefore, from this point forward you should only refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

 

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

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 A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she

>wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in

>the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be

>kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

>

>Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three

>roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

>

>Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked

>you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

>

>The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality

>and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went

>through this all by yourself."

>

>"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery

>and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time

>ago."

>

>"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

>

>"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank

>you for his new ears. :unsure:

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had

the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well,

we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The

Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end

the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian

replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to

women!"

 

 

:P:D:lol:

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History Lesson

 

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

 

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

 

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

 

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

 

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

 

 

 

You ready? Here we go.

 

 

 

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

 

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

 

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

 

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

 

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

 

 

 

Now hang on to your seat.

 

 

 

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'

Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

 

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

 

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

 

 

 

And here's the kicker...

 

 

 

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

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No research on my part. Cut & paste brother!

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the story would be even better if Teddy Kennedy had run off the bridge in a Lincoln while crossing a Fjord while trying to Dodge a Plymoth rock while his gf was having a Fiat drinking a Magnum of something. Then when landing on the Corvette steaming under the bridge......

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grumps, whether the joke works out perfect or not, its still fucking hilarious.

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BLONDES

Ya Gotta Love 'Em!

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

 

******************

 

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators

for over four hours.

 

****************

 

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

 

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while

covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which

that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see

through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

 

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

 

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting

glasses."

 

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

 

****************

 

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

 

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?

 

"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, " she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

 

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

 

****************

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,

and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled

blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Guest chucktheskiffie

Two arab families come to Australia to make a new home. The two men of the family get together and decide that they will do their very best to assimilate into Australian culture, and become Australian in every way.

 

2 months after the move, they see each other on the street. The first arab says

 

"We are going really well, my son is playing a game of aussie rules right now, my daughter is off at the girl guides, i ate a pie for lunch, and i'm on my way to buy a slab of beer."

 

The second Arab looks at the first and says "Fuck off towel-head."

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SLANG TERMS. (Some probably posted before)

 

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box’.

 

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

 

BEAVER LEAVER

A homosexual.

 

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

 

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

 

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

 

BONE OF CONTENTION

A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

 

BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

 

BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG

The female erection.

 

DOUBLE BASS A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

 

DRINK- LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

 

ETCH-A-SKETCH

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

 

FLOGGING ON

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

 

FRIGMAROLE

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

 

FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT

The sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.

 

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

 

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

 

MUMBLER

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

 

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.

 

PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

 

SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

 

SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM

A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

 

STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT

A homosexual.

 

TART FUEL or BITCH PISS

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

 

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

 

TODGER DODGER

A lesbian.

 

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

 

VAGINA DECLINER

A homosexual.

 

X-PILES

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

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FUCK YOU Leaf Movement - I just spit up rum and coke all over my keyboard! ROTFLMFAO!!! :lol:

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FUCK YOU Leaf Movement - I just spit up rum and coke all over my keyboard! ROTFLMFAO!!! :lol:

Send some of that rum my way.... I'd like to make the office more interesting.

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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

 

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

 

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

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There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

 

 

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

 

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

 

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

 

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

 

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

 

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

 

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

 

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

 

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

 

4 For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your

veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the

snooze button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

 

8.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

9.Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

(And some for Sol)

 

10 Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 

11.If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

 

12.And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

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OK, I'm going to try to translate this from Spanish, so I don't know if it will come out right:

 

 

This two guys are having a drink and one tells the other:

 

"Man, I'm having some trouble with my wife, she's is becoming less interested in sex lately, and I think she doesn't get all the satisfaction she should, I don't know, she seems to loose attention when we are having sex"

 

So his friend tells him not to worry:

 

"It's alright, used to happen to me, just do as I did, when you are in bed with her, if you notice she's getting bored, just pull out a gun and shoot in the air. That'll scare and excite her..."

 

 

So they meet some time later, and the friend asks the guy: How did it go? Did it work?

 

 

"Work? you son of a bitch!!!!

 

 

We were doing a 69, and I noticed she was getting bored, so I pulled out the gun and shoot the air... she shitted herself on my face, bit my dick off, and a big black motherf***r came out of the closet hands up!!!!""

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the

counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really

much rather have an honest job."

 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your

clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be

expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to

satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the

garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

 

The guy says, "You're bull-****tin' me!"

 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

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Words with two Meanings

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

 

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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The following is an actual question given on a

>>>>University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by

>>>>one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with

>>>>colleagues, via the Internet, which is why we now have the

>>>>pleasure of enjoying it as well.

>>>> >

>>>> > The "Bonus Question" on the exam: Is Hell exothermic

>>>>(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

>>>> >

>>>> > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using

>>>>Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is

>>>>compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the

>>>>following:

>>>> >

>>>> > First, we need to know how the

>>>>mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at

>>>>which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are

>>>>leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

>>>>to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

>>>> >

>>>> > As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at

>>>>the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of

>>>>these religions state that if you are not a member of their

>>>>religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of

>>>>these religions and since people do not belong to more than one

>>>>religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

>>>> >

>>>> > With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect

>>>>the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we

>>>>look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's

>>>>Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell

>>>>to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

>>>>proportionately as souls are added.

>>>> >

>>>> > This gives two possibilities:

>>>> >

>>>> > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate

>>>>at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in

>>>>Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

>>>> >

>>>> > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

>>>>increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will

>>>>drop until Hell freezes over.

>>>> >

>>>> > So which is it?

>>>> >

>>>> > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a

>>>>girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a

>>>>cold day in

>>>>Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that

>>>>I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus

>>>>I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

>>>>The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,

>>>>it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is

>>>>therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the

>>>>existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

>>>>Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

>>>> >

>>>> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A.

>>>>

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Oh the shame of it all!

 

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were recently found in his South of France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

 

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap - all of which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

 

Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be okay in France. We were very surprised to learn that no one uses them here. If these are violations they are totally innocent."

 

Based upon their discovery of the foregoing banned substances, French authorities also conducted a full body search of Armstrong, discovering various unexpected body parts that generally are not seen in France which may explain Armstrong's unprecedented successes, including a backbone and a pair of testicles.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

 

The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

 

The rabbit looks up at the bear and says "No".

 

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the

 

husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was

 

ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,while they were

 

in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,she turned on the lights. She looked down.

 

and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful

 

and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

 

 

She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain

 

yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you

 

explain the kids."

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Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

 

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

 

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

 

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

 

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the hookers eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five quid!!?"

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why do they call womens period pain PMS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cause mad cow disease was taken

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Based upon their discovery of the foregoing banned substances, French authorities also conducted a full body search of Armstrong, discovering various unexpected body parts that generally are not seen in France which may explain Armstrong's unprecedented successes, including a backbone and a pair of testicles.

Are you sure they found the testicles on Armstrong and not Crowe?

 

G

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The Godfather hires a deaf accoutant so he can keep the books...the boys can talk and the accountant will be none the wiser in case of prosecution.

One day the Godfather realises that the books are 10 million short and it can only be at the hand of the deaf accountant.

He takes his lawyer, who is fluent in sign language, around to see the deaf accoutant. The Godfather instructs his lawyer to sign the question "Where is my money...I know you took it!"

With a great flurry of hands back and forth the lawyer and the accountant sign each other.

"What did he say?" asks the Godfather.

"He says he didn't take it. He doesn't know what your talking about!" says the lawyer.

Not accepting this the Godfather pulls his gun and sticks it into the accountants ear.

"Ask him again" says the godfather.

Again the lawyer signs the accountant. This time the accountant relents and signs back to the lawyer that the money is in a brown paper bag buried under the oak tree in his cousin Giovanni's backyard.

"What did he say this time?" the Godfather asks.

The lawyer answers "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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Mum walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed.

 

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

 

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

 

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

 

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy

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A police officer was following a car that was swerving all over the road. The office pulled it over and asked the driver, a guy, to submit to a Random Breath Test; he asked him to blow in the bag. The guys says he can't and pulls out a card saying he's an asthmatic. The police officer says that he'll have to accompany the officer to the station for a blood sample, to which the he says he can't and pulls out a card saying he's a haemopheliac and can't give blood. The officer, frustrated at this says that it will have to be a urine sample. Again the guys says he can't and pulls out an AFL Umpires card signed by Andrew Demetriou and Jeff Gieschen indicating he is an AFL Umpire and no-one can take the piss...

 

Later the constable reports back to his Seargant and explains the situation and how they had pulled over this guy driving all over the road, but had had to let him go. The Seargant goes berserk... "An AFL Umpire??!?!? He wasn't driving drunk, he's fucking BLIND!"

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the London Underground next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised." I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

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A little boy from Adelaide had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Pope mobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "Don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Crows jumper and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you."

 

So, they're in the crowd, but the Pope mobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Port Power jumper. The lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "Don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Port jumper and then he's bound to see you."

 

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Port jumper. The Pope mobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday!"

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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of

friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was

a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

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What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, the rooster wakes up and clucks defiance.

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----- Original Message ----- > Subject: Love Poems, especially for the boys

>

> > > >>THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A

> RHYME

> > > >> WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND

> >LINE:

> > >

> > > >> Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

> > > >> But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

> > > >>

> > > >> I thought that I could love no other

> > > >> Until, that is, I met your brother.

> > > >>

> > > >> Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

> > > >> But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

>> > empty and so is your head.

> > >

> > > >> Of loving beauty you float with grace

> > > >> If only you could hide your face.

> > > >>

> > > >> Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

> > > >> This describes everything you are not.

> > > >>

> > > >> I want to feel your sweet embrace

> > > >> But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

> > > >>

> > > >> I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

> > > >> Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

> > > >>

> > > >> My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

> > > >> Marrying you screwed up my life.

> > >

> > > >> I see your face when I am dreaming.

> > > >> That's why I always wake up screaming.

> > > >>

> > > >> My love, you take my breath away.

> > > >> What have you stepped in to smell this way?

> > > >>

> > > >> My feelings for you no words can tell

> > > >> Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

> > > >>

> > > >> What inspired this amorous rhyme?

> > > >> Two parts vodka, one part lime

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Blonde sitting on the train reading the newspaper. Headline blazes

 

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed!"

 

She says to the bloke sitting alongside, "Isn't that terrible! How many is a Brazilian?"

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Blonde sitting on the train reading the newspaper. Headline blazes

 

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed!"

 

She says to the bloke sitting alongside, "Isn't that terrible! How many is a Brazilian?"

That took me a while Grumps.... <_<

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A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets aroused.

 

The woman notices his "interest," comes over to him and says, "Did you call

for me?"

 

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

 

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if

you get an erection it implies you called for me."

 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies him down on a

towel, eagerly pulls him to her and lets him have his way with her. The man

is ecstatic; he can't believe his good fortune.

 

He continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as

he sits down, he farts.

 

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

"Did you call for me?!" asks the hairy man.

 

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

 

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you break wind,

it implies that you called for me."

 

The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with

him.

 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony's office, where he is greeted by

the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

 

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you

can keep the £500 membership fee."

 

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't

had the chance to see all our facilities."

 

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once

a month, but I fart 20 times a day!

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The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

 

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

His wife replied, "The f*^#ing funeral director would be my guess !!! "

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,

 

"What's the camel for?".

 

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

 

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

 

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

 

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

 

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women. ...

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An American petroleum engineer is transferred to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to take care of a dire emergency at an American Oil Company's Well #19 in the middle of nowhere. He arrives at the oil company's office only to find out that the company helicopter is broken down, for days maybe, and that he will have to ride a camel out to Well #19. He is given a voucher and sent to Abdul's Camel Lot down the street.

 

Abdul fixes the engineer up with a camel and tells him, "You have a seven day trek ahead of you across a vast and waterless sea of sand. No matter what you do, make SURE the camel is filled up with water before you go. Your life depends on it."

 

The American engineer walks the camel over to a nearby water trough and watches the camel drink, what is to him, a prodigious amount of water. Not wanting to take any chances though, the engineer shoves the camel's head back down in the trough, whereupon the camel drinks even MORE water. Amazed but ever cautions, the engineer shoves the camel's head back down in the trough yet another time, upon which the camel drinks even more water.

 

Thinking that this surely must be enough water, the engineer sets off across the trackless desert. Four days later the engineer crawls back into Riyadh, more dead than alive from dehydration and exposure. His camel has died of thirst only four days out, and he has made it back to civilization by the Grace of Allah alone. After a short recovery, and with the company helicopter still down for lack of parts, he's given another voucher and sent back to Abdul's Camel Lot.

 

This time he makes Abdul himself water the camel. As before, the camel drinks the trough half dry. Also as before, Abdul shoves the camel's head back into the trough not twice but three times, the camel drinking ever more water, much to the amazement of the petroleum engineer.

 

Then Abdul picks up two nearby mud bricks and, shoving the camel's head down into the trough one more time, walks behind the camel and with perfect accuracy, smashes the two bricks together on the camel's balls, whereupon the camel gasps hugely and sucks up every last drop of water in the trough.

 

Looking at the engineer triumphantly, Abdul says, "Now THAT's how you fill up a camel with water." Whereupon the horrified engineer replies, "MY GOD, doesn't that HURT?"

 

"Not at all," replies Abdul, illustrating once more the move with the bricks, "As long as you keep your thumbs out of the way."

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

 

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

 

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

 

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

 

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

 

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

 

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

SHOPPING MATH

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

HAPPINESS

 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

LONGEVITY

 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

 

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: " TENJEWBERRYMUDS "

 

 

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

 

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

 

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

 

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

 

RS: "Ow July den?"

 

G: "What??"

 

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

 

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

 

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

 

G: "Crisp will be fine."

 

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

 

G: "What?"

 

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

 

G: "I don't think so."

 

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

 

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

 

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

 

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

 

RS: "We bodder?"

 

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

 

RS: "Wad?"

 

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

 

RS: "Copy?"

 

G: "Excuse me?"

 

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

 

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

 

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

 

G: "Whatever you say."

 

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

 

G : "You're very welcome."

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Irish humour

 

John O'Doyle hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Blonde warning!!!!

 

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying

 

the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

 

when he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the

whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

 

 

 

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.

 

 

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her

 

lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the

 

bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed

 

him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the

 

cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

 

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today

would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. So I asked him what to give you".

 

He said, "F*** him, give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

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A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a dollar and the second half of his round trip airline ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a taxi waiting. He got into the cab and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, offered him credit card numbers, his driver's license number, and his home address. The cabby said, "If you don't have $15 for the fare get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport. He barely made his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling good about himself he went outside the casino looking for a cab back to the airport. Guess who he saw at the end of a long line of cabs? His old 'buddy' who refused him a ride to the airport when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got into the first cab in line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," the cab driver said. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" the businessman inquired. "What?!? Get the hell out of my cab!!" screamed the cabby.

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked each cab driver the same question. Every driver gave the businessman a similar response.

 

When he got to his old 'friend' in the back of the line of cabs the

businessman got into the cab and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and they drove off. As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver.

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop so he could investigate the situation.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man, he said, "You come with us, too."

 

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

 

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered.

They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all

of us with you."

 

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it! You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

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A guy sitting in Danny's Bar at Singapore's Changi Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.

 

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?

 

 

 

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

 

 

 

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta".

 

 

 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

 

 

 

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

 

 

 

This time the woman turned on him "What the f XXk do you want?"

 

 

 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said,

 

 

 

"Ahhhhh, QANTAS!!!"

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How bloody true is that! fack, they can be really arrogant bitches some times!