JOD

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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

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I'm pretty sure I found this here first. Nevertheless, here we go again!

 

https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

 

Won't embed. Not sure why

 

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Q: How does old king Wenceslaus like his pizza?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: "Deep pan crisp, and even."

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Reminds me of my dad's favorite carol:

"No well, no well, no well, no well,

Where there's no water,

There is no well"

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For any Brits.  Watch out, you might get a Curly Wurly...


Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

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6 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

 

The names of the sports teams in the German city across the river from us are named the "Red Cocks' because a red rooster is the official symbol of the city.

Image result for frankfurt oder red cocks

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6 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

The names of the sports teams in the German city across the river from us are named the "Red Cocks' because a red rooster is the official symbol of the city.

Image result for frankfurt oder red cocks

moron college down the highway are called the gamecocks..

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Elderly couple decides to have a baby.

They go in to see the Doc, who is surprised by their request, buts says "lets run some tests and see"

At the end of all the testing the Doc hands the little old man a cup and says "go home, do whatever you need to do, but bring me in a semen sample tomorrow and we will sit down with the both of you to discuss the options.

The next day the little old man comes back in alone. He appears very embarrassed. 

"Doc", he says, "I don't know what to say". I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand" "My wife tried it with her left hand and tried it with her right hand"

"Hell Doc, she tried it with her teeth in, she tried it with her teeth out"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"We just can't get the lid off this damn cup!!!!"

 

 

WL2

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I have to be better at gift giving this year

last year I gave my wife a bracelet which I told her belonged to my grandmother 

 

she asked me why it said do not resuscitate 

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On 12/19/2019 at 11:29 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

moron college down the highway are called the gamecocks..

 

Hey!!  Our kids live in Charleston.  They said the young people down there,  just love screaming "GO COCKS!!", at their games......

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.
https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MpFW02JYYOU/UcDuQ9VzWOI/AAAAAAAALw4/g4iQKBJqaiY/s400/Shoes.jpg
Each day he stops and looks in the window 
to admire the Armani leather shoes.
 
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, 
$300, and purchases them.
 
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance 
in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity 
to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XdNNHU30zZ4/UcDwAvvn5pI/AAAAAAAALxM/WbuaKSxzlPI/s640/sexy-dress1.jpg
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi, I do wear 
red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
 
Luigi answers,' I see the reflection in my new 
$300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
 
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dtHk0If1i3s/UcDw_Uu2RpI/AAAAAAAALxc/Y1nrbmb2C8o/s640/sexy-dress3.jpg
 Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
 
Luigi dances with many young ladies this evening and the same question is asked and answered by a very surprised
young lady each time.
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Aud0WIBnzYk/UcDyeP2kAgI/AAAAAAAALx8/7OlRgLvPLXw/s640/sexy-dress2.gif
 
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CAk4SBVEp98/UcDyboyrs2I/AAAAAAAALxs/oYJ3SR5m-0o/s640/sexy-dress4.jpg
 
https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zFof63jUo6o/UcDyeGWhjUI/AAAAAAAALx0/Ey6Rqu6aTn4/s640/sexy-dress5.jpg
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, please tell me you wear no panties tonight.
https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1KW3Xh819cU/UcDzBl0yfbI/AAAAAAAALyE/JLOuOP5Flz4/s640/sexy-dress6.jpg
 Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi, 
I wear no panties tonight...'
 
Luigi gasps, “Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes.”


 

 

 

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My mate had twin daughters last week.

He called the first one Kate.

The second he called DupliKate.

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6 hours ago, mccroc said:

My mate had twin daughters last week.

He called the first one Kate.

The second he called DupliKate.

Had a girlfriend who named her girls: Peat and Repeat.

 

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I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet and as I walked past the bedroom window, I noticed that a swarthy guy, who looked like a Syrian refugee, was sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden!

Suddenly my neighbour came out of nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly... Then, as I stood transfixed, he dug a grave, dragged the body into it and filled it in.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're shaking, what happened, are you alright..?" "You're never gonna believe what I've just seen" I said. 'That prick next door still has my shovel!"

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A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions, “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the 'coup de grace', the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".

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The Pantheon. :lol:

Can't even get jokes right.

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29 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

The Pantheon. :lol:

Can't even get jokes right.

Meh, ancient Rome, ancient Greece, they're all old and they both wore togas, right?

At least they didn't turn the Parthenon into a Christian church.

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Yeah - they turned it into an ammo dump. :D

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On 12/27/2019 at 12:35 AM, SloopJonB said:

Yeah - they turned it into an ammo dump. :D

That didn't end well.

This is why we can't have nice things.

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7 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:
On ‎12‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 6:35 PM, SloopJonB said:

Yeah - they turned it into an ammo dump. :D

That didn't end well.

This is why we can't have nice things.

War 'trumps' evereythinge.                               :)

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It seems some whack job got tired of Trump and took a few pot shots at him with his AR-15.  Didn't even come close to the intended target.  So he ended up in court for attempted murder and some other things because you know, president.  The judge handed down the sentence.  75 years in prison.  One year for attempted murder, and the other stuff.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

74 years for missing.

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What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 cent with Nickleback 
 

 

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34 minutes ago, dacapo said:

What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 cent with Nickleback 
 

 

Groan!! :-)

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Sometimes I pretend I'm Julia Child when I cook and vocalize everything I'm doing in her silly accent.

Shut up, it's fun.

But if you think that's funny, you oughta see the dress I wear!

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Why is sailing like sex? When it's good, it's really, really good. And when it's bad.....it's still pretty good.

 

 


***  I would clarify that my personal experience differs somewhat from the above...  for either pursuit.

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An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.

Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?

First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”

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6 minutes ago, Windward said:

Why is sailing like sex? When it's good, it's really, really good. And when it's bad.....it's still pretty good.

 

 


***  I would clarify that my personal experience differs somewhat from the above...  for either pursuit.

And it's often done single handed.

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7 hours ago, Windward said:

Why is sailing like sex? When it's good, it's really, really good. And when it's bad.....it's still pretty good.


***  I would clarify that my personal experience differs somewhat from the above...  for either pursuit.

Say it properly, if you're going to say it.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aEgoVnM_460swp.webp

 

After 35 years of marriage, I  finally declare that it's always my fault, even if it's not.  At least I try to remember to do that, as it makes life a lot easier........

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10 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

 

After 35 years of marriage, I  finally declare that it's always my fault, even if it's not.  At least I try to remember to do that, as it makes life a lot easier........

yup   and there are times when i'm not even around and it's my fault..

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39 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

 

After 35 years of marriage, I  finally declare that it's always my fault, even if it's not.  At least I try to remember to do that, as it makes life a lot easier........

It took you 35 years of marriage to realize that?

I knew it before I got married. -_- Maybe that's why we've lasted 40 years.

Everything is the mans fault. Just don't worry about it.

And always remember this;

Why It's Good To Be A Man
 
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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53 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aDgZEyN_460swp.webp

I woude gette Prime Accounte and odere evereythinge online.                              :)

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3 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

I woude gette Prime Accounte and odere evereythinge online.                              :)

 

Perfect location for drone delivery!!!

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I just had a new cocktail.  "The Donald."

It's a White Russian, but they added some orange peel.

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On 1/2/2020 at 2:34 PM, Snaggletooth said:

I woude gette Prime Accounte and odere evereythinge online.                              :)

i left your packages at the bottom of the steps..

Dammit   !

 

 

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9 hours ago, Knut Grotzki said:

by the way, who is she?

Stinky?

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INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh

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On 12/30/2019 at 11:48 PM, billy backstay said:

 

After 35 years of marriage, I  finally declare that it's always my fault, even if it's not.  At least I try to remember to do that, as it makes life a lot easier........

And when you forget?  That's your fault too.

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On 12/17/2019 at 10:38 PM, d'ranger said:

It's a classic and worth embedding.  Not that I am trying to fix anything......

right up there with the magic coffee table

 

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On 12/27/2019 at 12:13 AM, Ed Lada said:

Meh, ancient Rome, ancient Greece, they're all old and they both wore togas, right?

At least they didn't turn the Parthenon into a Christian church.

they did.....

from wikipedia...

.... In the final decade of the 6th century AD, the Parthenon was converted into a Christian church dedicated to the Virgin Mary....

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2 minutes ago, Derek Grebe said:

they did.....

from wikipedia...

.... In the final decade of the 6th century AD, the Parthenon was converted into a Christian church dedicated to the Virgin Mary....

Damn, I should have known!  Frickin' Catholics.

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3 hours ago, Derek Grebe said:
On 12/17/2019 at 10:38 AM, d'ranger said:

It's a classic and worth embedding.

I see what you did there.

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1 hour ago, SloopJonB said:

I see what you did there.

Oooo... Golf clap indeed...  well done.

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Bobby Joe got busted for bestiality. Local farmer caught him having sex with a goat, reported him to the Sheriff and insisted he be charged.

Bobby Joe needed a lawyer, asked his buddy for advice. Buddy told him: "There's two lawyers in town. There's Mr. Rogers, who's very respected and very expensive, or there's Joe Fuckin' Smith, who's a drunken shithead who works real cheap. He's a crap lawyer, but he's a genius at jury selection."

Bobby goes with Joe because he's broke. The jury selection is finished, Joe's drunk and nodding off. The prosecutor calls the farmer as the main witness. "Now just tell us exactly what you saw, sir."

"I saw that sumbitch having carnal knowledge of one of my goats. And when he'd reached his unholy climax and pulled out, the goat turned around and licked his dick clean!"

The jury foreman looks at the rest of the jurors and says: "A good goat will do that, every time", and they all start nodding and agreeing.

Case dismissed.........

 

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On 1/7/2020 at 6:22 AM, Derek Grebe said:

right up there with the magic coffee table

 

 

 

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Guest
On 1/6/2020 at 8:58 PM, mccroc said:

INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh

OMG, living over in little India.....  I almost shat myself laughing.  I literally have tears in my eyes.  :lol:

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On 1/7/2020 at 3:22 PM, Derek Grebe said:

right up there with the magic coffee table

That was pretty funny once I turned on the English subtitles so I could understand what they were saying.

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So i was walking my dog near the lake when my dog ran and jumped into the freezing water..

my dog was having a hard time, when all of a sudden this guy jumps in and pulls out the dog..

turns out he was a german tourist.. "here is ze dog, dry him uff, and kip him warm, and he vill be fine"

i asked him if he was a vet

he replied:     "Vet?".....  I'm soaked to the skin!

 

 

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9 hours ago, Shootist Jeff said:

IMG_2895.PNG

always compliment a woman on her shoes, if they're nice shoes, they usually spent an hour picking them out and it indicates you're just not staring at her tits..

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On 1/9/2020 at 5:54 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

So i was walking my dog near the lake when my dog ran and jumped into the freezing water..

my dog was having a hard time, when all of a sudden this guy jumps in and pulls out the dog..

turns out he was a german tourist.. "here is ze dog, dry him uff, and kip him warm, and he vill be fine"

i asked him if he was a vet

he replied:     "Vet?".....  I'm soaked to the skin!

 

 

 

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18 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

always compliment a woman on her shoes, if they're nice shoes, they usually spent an hour picking them out and it indicates you're just not staring at her tits..

I'm sorry, what?  I keep staring at the picture.  Did you say something?

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4 hours ago, Grrr... said:

I'm sorry, what?  I keep staring at the picture.  Did you say something?

Without scrolling up, What colour are her eyes?

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23 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

always compliment a woman on her shoes, if they're nice shoes, they usually spent an hour picking them out and it indicates you're just not staring at her tits..

Jeffie's idea of a compliment to a woman is along the lines of, "Shit, you don't sweat much for a fat cunt."

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