JOD

Joke

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On 8/28/2019 at 11:56 AM, Rasputin22 said:

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

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He see's the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

Ya tell this one to your bro and he comes back with: 

A golfer shanks one into a patch of Buttercups.  He carefully spreads the plants apart and just hits the ball hard enough  to reach the fairway and not hurt the Buttercups.  He then carefully rearranges the Buttercups till they look like he was never there. 

Mother Nature then pops up and thanks him for his attention to her Buttercups and announces, "As a reward, I am giving you all the butter you need for the rest of your life.

He responds, "Where the hell were you when I hit the ball into the Pussy Willows.

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On 9/1/2019 at 3:18 PM, SloopJohnB said:

 THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the opening All Blacks v Wallabies match. 

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Test opener, the biggest sporting event of the rugby calendar and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Test match we haven't been to together since we got married."


"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"   
The man shakes his head...


....."No. They're all at the funeral."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." 

 

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A useful curse word from the Viz Profanisaurus this week.

FuSBAC!

A handy concatenation of Fuck Shit Bugger Arse and Cunt - when you don't have the time or breath to utter the whole string.

It's in my repertoire now.

You've been warned.

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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That's awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I'd be dead right now!”

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A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus.  Not only is it useless, but it's useless.

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That's ^^ more LONQR than joke.  :o

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? 

Philippe Foloppe.

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Ten years ago, I was dating a gal with a twin.  My friends asked how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple.

Sarah had long curly hair, Bob had a cock.

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58 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

so alle asses haive a dowen side?

Seems a prerequisite. 

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It was a dark and stormy night.....

A deserted country road through the woods, driving rain, howling wind, and a lost hippie trying to hitch-hike to the coast. The hippie is getting scared. He hasn't seen a light or a sign of life for hours, he's not sure where he is, and the storm is getting heavier and heavier.

Suddenly he sees a pair of headlights approaching slowly. The car slows down a bit more and he jumps in, overjoyed to be out of the dark and the rain and the wind. The car rolls on picking up a bit of speed, he looks across and there's nobody at the wheel, and the engine's not running. Just the open driver's window and the blackness outside.

The hippie freaks out. Then there's a sharp bend in the headlights, with a sheer drop on the outside. The hippie starts screaming thinking he's about to die...……..and suddenly a hand appears out of the darkness, reaches in, turns the wheel, and disappears into the night. The car goes round the bend and rolls on.

The hippie spots lights up ahead, a little roadside country pub. He leaps out of the rolling car and flings himself into the pub. Hysterical with fear, he screams out about the haunted car that abducted him, the hand of god that steered the car and saved his life, the devil in the shape of a vehicle.

Pub door opens, two very wet and exhausted guys drag themselves in. They stop and stare, one says: "There's that fuckin' hippie that jumped in while we were pushing the car!"

 

 

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem, He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said:

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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i though wood doesn't float..

Quote

Premier League footballer was blackmailed after being filmed in a hotel room with a woman who was not his partner, a court has heard.

The player, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had previously met  Natalie Wood on two occasions after sending her a message on social media.

 

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13 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i though wood doesn't float..

 

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I see what you did there:lol:

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i was asked to be a sperm donor for some friends..

i went to the nurse and she asked  "if i could masturbate in the cup"

I told her:  "i'm pretty good, but i don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet"

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In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem
 
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
 
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.  They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
 
But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
 
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
WL
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If you were from South Texas, you would know this is not racist. All of my Mexican friends think it's hilarious....and true...

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3 minutes ago, On The Hard said:

If you were from South Texas, you would know this is not racist. All of my Mexican friends think it's hilarious....and true...

Haha. Same as here in the Philippines. Very funny. Wakes are highly anticipated because of the free food, moonshine and gambling (raises a bit of money for the surviviors).

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A bloke was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor.

"Well Sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

 "What's the bad news ?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a Plastic Surgeon ?"

"Not exactly," answered the Doctor. "She's a flute player in the Australian Symphony Orchestra.

 She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye

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Just look at the Cleavage thread if you doubt it.

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5 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Thet dogge shoude play hockey!                                     :)

 

i like the way he wags his tail afterwards...   "gotcha bitch ":

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How in Hell do they get 152 students into a Malibu?

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29 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

How in Hell do they get 152 students into a Malibu?

Crisco?

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Heard on the VHF:

”Why do gay fellas wear ribbed condoms?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

”To get traction in the mud.”

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A rehash of an old theme, but still kinda funny

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.  

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?” “I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol‘ lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!” 

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Have you ever fallen down and didn't know what to do?

 

Call Trip Advisor.

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Reminds of a Bill Cosby (sorry) routine on "200 MPH".

"The kids in them Chevy's with the big wheels about the size of airplane wheels and the kids always driving downhill"

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Well, at least when they hit something that anchor will fly over the child and hit the moron driver's head.

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