JOD

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On 8/28/2019 at 11:56 AM, Rasputin22 said:

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.

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He see's the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

Ya tell this one to your bro and he comes back with: 

A golfer shanks one into a patch of Buttercups.  He carefully spreads the plants apart and just hits the ball hard enough  to reach the fairway and not hurt the Buttercups.  He then carefully rearranges the Buttercups till they look like he was never there. 

Mother Nature then pops up and thanks him for his attention to her Buttercups and announces, "As a reward, I am giving you all the butter you need for the rest of your life.

He responds, "Where the hell were you when I hit the ball into the Pussy Willows.

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On 9/1/2019 at 3:18 PM, SloopJohnB said:

 THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the opening All Blacks v Wallabies match. 

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Test opener, the biggest sporting event of the rugby calendar and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Test match we haven't been to together since we got married."


"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"   
The man shakes his head...


....."No. They're all at the funeral."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." 

 

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A useful curse word from the Viz Profanisaurus this week.

FuSBAC!

A handy concatenation of Fuck Shit Bugger Arse and Cunt - when you don't have the time or breath to utter the whole string.

It's in my repertoire now.

You've been warned.

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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That's awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I'd be dead right now!”

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A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus.  Not only is it useless, but it's useless.

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That's ^^ more LONQR than joke.  :o

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Ten years ago, I was dating a gal with a twin.  My friends asked how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple.

Sarah had long curly hair, Bob had a cock.

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It was a dark and stormy night.....

A deserted country road through the woods, driving rain, howling wind, and a lost hippie trying to hitch-hike to the coast. The hippie is getting scared. He hasn't seen a light or a sign of life for hours, he's not sure where he is, and the storm is getting heavier and heavier.

Suddenly he sees a pair of headlights approaching slowly. The car slows down a bit more and he jumps in, overjoyed to be out of the dark and the rain and the wind. The car rolls on picking up a bit of speed, he looks across and there's nobody at the wheel, and the engine's not running. Just the open driver's window and the blackness outside.

The hippie freaks out. Then there's a sharp bend in the headlights, with a sheer drop on the outside. The hippie starts screaming thinking he's about to die...……..and suddenly a hand appears out of the darkness, reaches in, turns the wheel, and disappears into the night. The car goes round the bend and rolls on.

The hippie spots lights up ahead, a little roadside country pub. He leaps out of the rolling car and flings himself into the pub. Hysterical with fear, he screams out about the haunted car that abducted him, the hand of god that steered the car and saved his life, the devil in the shape of a vehicle.

Pub door opens, two very wet and exhausted guys drag themselves in. They stop and stare, one says: "There's that fuckin' hippie that jumped in while we were pushing the car!"

 

 

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem, He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said:

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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i though wood doesn't float..

Quote

Premier League footballer was blackmailed after being filmed in a hotel room with a woman who was not his partner, a court has heard.

The player, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had previously met  Natalie Wood on two occasions after sending her a message on social media.

 

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13 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i though wood doesn't float..

 

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I see what you did there:lol:

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i was asked to be a sperm donor for some friends..

i went to the nurse and she asked  "if i could masturbate in the cup"

I told her:  "i'm pretty good, but i don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet"

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In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem
 
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
 
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.  They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
 
But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
 
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 
WL
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If you were from South Texas, you would know this is not racist. All of my Mexican friends think it's hilarious....and true...

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3 minutes ago, On The Hard said:

If you were from South Texas, you would know this is not racist. All of my Mexican friends think it's hilarious....and true...

Haha. Same as here in the Philippines. Very funny. Wakes are highly anticipated because of the free food, moonshine and gambling (raises a bit of money for the surviviors).

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A bloke was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor.

"Well Sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

 "What's the bad news ?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a Plastic Surgeon ?"

"Not exactly," answered the Doctor. "She's a flute player in the Australian Symphony Orchestra.

 She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye

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Just look at the Cleavage thread if you doubt it.

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5 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Thet dogge shoude play hockey!                                     :)

 

i like the way he wags his tail afterwards...   "gotcha bitch ":

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How in Hell do they get 152 students into a Malibu?

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29 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

How in Hell do they get 152 students into a Malibu?

Crisco?

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A rehash of an old theme, but still kinda funny

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.  

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?” “I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol‘ lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!” 

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Have you ever fallen down and didn't know what to do?

 

Call Trip Advisor.

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Reminds of a Bill Cosby (sorry) routine on "200 MPH".

"The kids in them Chevy's with the big wheels about the size of airplane wheels and the kids always driving downhill"

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Well, at least when they hit something that anchor will fly over the child and hit the moron driver's head.

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my wife just found out she was adopted ,

she's devastated.. "why didn't the want me"

 i comforted her for a long while and after she had done crying she asked me to make love to her

which led to a lot more tears..   I guess banging her from behind and screaming "who's your daddy!  wasn't appropriate

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On 10/7/2019 at 3:48 AM, SloopJonB said:

How in Hell do they get 152 students into a Malibu?

76 in the back, 74 in the front, 2 in the ashtray?

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Life in the Australian Army.

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march'- geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

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6 hours ago, dorydude said:

Your loving daughter,

Susan

My frends sistere ist licke that, I allwayed behaived when she wase aronde.                                             :)

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"Darling, is there a natural way to make my tits bigger?"

"Sure there is.  Just rub some pieces of toilet paper between them every morning."

"Would that work?"

"Well, it worked for your ass."

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4 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

"Darling, is there a natural way to make my tits bigger?"

"Sure there is.  Just rub some pieces of toilet paper between them every morning."

"Would that work?"

"Well, it worked for your ass."

I think that one would be more suited to the 'Famous Last Words' thread.

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Other Truism

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 


Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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A rather drunk guest at an elegant cocktail party asks the hostess: 
"Exkyoooze me, but do lemonsh have legsh...?"
"No, they don't."
"Oh, shit. I just schqueezed your canary into my gin."

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After eating out his girlfriend, a guy was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

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A HORSE, A CHICKEN AND A HARLEY

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.  One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.  Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.  Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!  Happy  and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.  A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'hangy-down' thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.  The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,  saving his life........

 

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

Scroll  down  ......










 

 

 

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

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A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

 

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

 

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

 

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"


"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.


"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

 

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."

 

"You're kidding!" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

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On 10/18/2019 at 7:06 PM, Snaggletooth said:
On 10/18/2019 at 12:42 PM, dorydude said:

Your loving daughter,

Susan

My frends sistere ist licke that, I allwayed behaived when she wase aronde.       

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, " said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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On 10/19/2019 at 10:09 PM, P_Wop said:

"Darling, is there a natural way to make my tits bigger?"

"Sure there is.  Just rub some pieces of toilet paper between them every morning."

"Would that work?"

"Well, it worked for your ass."

And that's when the fight started.

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On 10/28/2019 at 4:02 AM, SloopJohnB said:

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Grooooan!

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My best friend is really pissed off at me, he caught me sniffing his sister's panties.

I don't know whether it's because she was wearing them at the time, or because her whole family was there, but it made the rest of her funeral really awkward for me.

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My barber asked, "how do you want it cut?"

I replied "a little longer on the left, a few spots spiked out here and here. Shorter on the right with spikes sticking out there. Cut some really short spots on top and just zig zag across the back."

My barber said"I dont know if I can do it that way".

I said sure you can, you did it last month.... 

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What’s the difference between a woman’s clitoris and a Taco Bell?

 

Men have no trouble finding a Taco Bell in the dark when drunk.

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                    Sex AND religion – but no politics this time……

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

  

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

  

“Georgina Georgina ?”

  

"Is that you, Stu ?”

  

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

  

“That's wonderful!  What's it like?”

  

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  After supper, it's back to the golf course.  Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

  

"Oh, Stu!  Are you in Heaven?"

  

“No, … I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.

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Seismic Phenomenon.....  or maybe more properly a sink hole.

 

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Pub toilet, two urinals. There's a bloke pissing, and a really short guy with red hair and a green shirt comes in and hits the adjoining urinal.

Bloke looks over and HOLY SHIT!  He can't help himself: "How the hell did a little guy like you end up with that monster dick?!"

"Ah, I wished it for myself, to be sure, as I'm a leprechaun."

The bloke asks if the leprechaun can grant him a wish, and give him a monster dick too. Little man says "Yes I can do that, but what will you give me? I have bags of gold, I don't want money. I would like to fuck you up the arse, though."

Bloke decides he'll take the pain just this once, really wants to have a huge dick himself. The leprechaun starts giving it to him hard with the monster, asks him: "So what's yer name, boyo?"

"B-B-Bobby ooww!"

"And how old would you be, B-B-Bobby?"

"Oww shit t--t--t--twenty-three oww!"

"Little old to believe in leprechauns aren't ya mate?"

 

 

 

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For all of us over 60 crowd.  Sung to the tune of "Truckin'", by the Grateful Dead. 

Instead of, "Living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine"

"Living on credit, Viagra, Cialais, and Rogaine; All a friend can say, is aint it a shame"....:D

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