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No articles about guns in that mag?

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"My child refuses to eat meat. What can I use as a replacement?"

"Get a dog. Dogs love meat."

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On 1/11/2020 at 11:28 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aV0L7wn_460swp.webp

I have the same problem in Greece  me lani .

 

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On 1/18/2020 at 5:10 AM, Shortforbob said:

I have the same problem in Greece  me lani .

 

"Melani" is "my name is" in Greek?  Like "Je M'apell" (sic-sp) is in French?  We've been to Greece twice in the past 3 years, but never long enough to need to use the language, since everyone spoke English

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11 hours ago, billy backstay said:

"Melani" is "my name is" in Greek?  Like "Je M'apell" (sic-sp) is in French?  We've been to Greece twice in the past 3 years, but never long enough to need to use the language, since everyone spoke English

 you should always use the language you have even if it's only a few words like please and thank you how are you etc,it's much appreciated..

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1 minute ago, Shortforbob said:

 you should always use the language you have even if it's only a few words like please and thank you how are you etc,it's much appreciated..

 

I did just that in France, since I had enough in High School for some basics.  Same in Italy.

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6 hours ago, Shortforbob said:

 you should always use the language you have even if it's only a few words like please and thank you how are you etc,it's much appreciated..

no you don't ,  it makes them think that you think they're stupid and don't know how to speak english, unless you're fluent in the language and can carry a conversation, don't even try.. 

i know enough dual language people, that say , if you don't want to talk to someone, just pretend you don't know english, they'll go away...

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

no you don't ,  it makes them think that you think they're stupid and don't know how to speak english, unless you're fluent in the language and can carry a conversation, don't even try.. 

i know enough dual language people, that say , if you don't want to talk to someone, just pretend you don't know english, they'll go away...

This is the joke thread.  Are you serious?  Are you high?  Are you nuts or nervous?

I have lived in foreign countries for more than 30 years of my life, both in Europe and Asia.  I have traveled to other countries in addition to the ones I have lived in.  I have always tried to smile, be polite and at least learn how to say the greeting of the day and please and thank you in the foreign language.  It has always resulted in the people being very happy that I was being polite to them, trying to show some respect as a visitor to their country and attempting to learn to say something in their language.  Particularly in countries in Asia where the languages can be difficult with alphabets nothing like ours.  In addition, unlike your imagination, I have run across many, many people in other countries that don't know any English, nor do I expect them to.  Why should they?  They have their own perfectly good language.

It is people that share your attitude that give rise to the stereotype of the ugly American.  Do you really think people all over the world speak English?  

I hope you never travel outside of the US, I have enough trouble trying to explain to foreigners why Trump is our president.  People like you, with that attitude just make it worse.  Stay in Texas where you belong, please.  If I pretend I don't know English,. will you go away?   Nie rozumiem angielskiego.  Bardzo przepraszam.  Ja pierdole.  

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

 

i know enough dual language people, that say , if you don't want to talk to someone, just pretend you don't know english, they'll go away...

What an odd perspective.  How much traveling have you done in non-english speaking nations?

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2 minutes ago, MR.CLEAN said:

What an odd perspective.  How much traveling have you done in non-english speaking nations?

i was born and grew up overseas,  mostly SE asia,  some middle east...  some east asian...    but it has been a few years over there.. maybe times have changed... mainly hispanics now

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14 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i was born and grew up overseas,  mostly SE asia,  some middle east...  some east asian...    but it has been a few years over there.. maybe times have changed... mainly hispanics now

Maybe.  Maybe it's an asian thing.  My experience is directly the opposite, unless you are so horrible at languages that your attempts offend their sensibilities.  But that experience is only in Italy, Germany, France, and Latin America - I haven't spent enough time in Asia to even try.  I became fluent in French and Spanish thanks largely to helpful and patient foreigners.

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When we went to Portugal a couple of years ago, my wife taught me a couple of phrases. I guess most foreigners try to speak Spanish to them, because they were incredibly grateful that I even tried to speak a few words. Some of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.

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52 minutes ago, MR.CLEAN said:

 I became fluent in French and Spanish thanks largely to helpful and patient foreigners.

butte you wearer the foreignere.....                      :)

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8 minutes ago, On The Hard said:

 Some of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.

 

We have found that most of the people we have interacted with in Europe, were just like you found them to be.  Except for one large, burly, machine toting, Gendarme at the San Tropez Regatta in '18, when I asked if he spoke English.  :D

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7 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

butte you wearer the foreignere.....                      :)

Snaggy, I love you!

Your spelling may be twisted, but that does not stop you from being astute.

While in France, Mr Clean, who speaks really good French (from old interviews), still sees his French speaking interlocutors as the foreigners, where actually they are in their own country... and he is the foreigner.

Just a small slip of the tongue, I am sure, but Mr. Snaggy is too sharp to let that pass...

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The trick is to say. Efharisto, Merci, Arigatto gozi mas, Dank u well etc with a self depreciating smile...to say

"I know I'm not very good at this, but I'm trying to show you the courtesy of not presuming you speak English"

Gets you a smile back even in Paris.

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And as stated by our American in Poland, even if you speak only a few words, try that first.

If you come in a French shop or restaurant or café and start speaking English, expecting everybody to understand, you will not be welcome. If, once your interlocutor make you understand that he/she does not speak English, and you repeat what you said initially, but louder... you will be even less welcome... They are not deaf, you dumb-ass...

On the other hand, if you speak 2 or 3 words of French, try to read the menu, repeat after them the right pronunciation, your effort will be most likely granted with a smile and all efforts to make you at ease.

If you are in Portugal, PLEASE do not speak Spanish to them... The Portuguese are too nice to letting you know, but you are really ruffling their feathers if you do that.

And please, Please, PLEASE ! If you are in France, talking to a French person, do not ask him the most stupidest question of all: "Parlez-vous Français?" Of course he speaks fucking French. He IS fucking French!!! Asking that to a French person is not especially re-assuring about your language skills... nor your IQ...

If a Frenchman, smoking a Gauloise, in a street of New York, asks you "Do you speeeek Angliche?", what would be your answer?

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Ffs people, why do you find it necessary to pollute every thread with this horseshit, this is the JOKE thread, the oldest dedicated topic thread on SA by years. Keep it to jokes, we really couldn’t give a flying fuck about your offended sensibilities.

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

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Hello!

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10 minutes ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Ffs people, why do you find it necessary to pollute every thread with this horseshit, this is the JOKE thread, the oldest dedicated topic thread on SA by years. Keep it to jokes, we really couldn’t give a flying fuck about your offended sensibilities.

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

I thought it was a joke.

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11 minutes ago, SPORTSCAR said:

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

to gette to the orthere side  (into the realme of Hades)  (darkere then you thouht........ )                            :)

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1 hour ago, Laurent said:

And as stated by our American in Poland, even if you speak only a few words, try that first.

If you come in a French shop or restaurant or café and start speaking English, expecting everybody to understand, you will not be welcome. If, once your interlocutor make you understand that he/she does not speak English, and you repeat what you said initially, but louder... you will be even less welcome... They are not deaf, you dumb-ass...

On the other hand, if you speak 2 or 3 words of French, try to read the menu, repeat after them the right pronunciation, your effort will be most likely granted with a smile and all efforts to make you at ease.

If you are in Portugal, PLEASE do not speak Spanish to them... The Portuguese are too nice to letting you know, but you are really ruffling their feathers if you do that.

And please, Please, PLEASE ! If you are in France, talking to a French person, do not ask him the most stupidest question of all: "Parlez-vous Français?" Of course he speaks fucking French. He IS fucking French!!! Asking that to a French person is not especially re-assuring about your language skills... nor your IQ...

If a Frenchman, smoking a Gauloise, in a street of New York, asks you "Do you speeeek Angliche?", what would be your answer?

In NYC, that's probably a legitimate question.  In Des Moines, less so.  In Alabama, the answer should really be no.

On the other hand, I believe it was Lady Chesterfield who said that "Anyone can understand English if it is spoken loudly and slowly enough."

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1 hour ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Ffs people, why do you find it necessary to pollute every thread with this horseshit, this is the JOKE thread, the oldest dedicated topic thread on SA by years. Keep it to jokes, we really couldn’t give a flying fuck about your offended sensibilities.

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

 

i_20dream_20of_20a_20world_20where_20chickens_20can_20cross_20the_20road_20shirt_grande.jpg

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Back during my childhood, you could take a dollar down to the corner store and come back with a few candy bars, a small bag of chips and a couple of sodas.

Not anymore. Those darned security cameras are everywhere.

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8 hours ago, Laurent said:

And as stated by our American in Poland, even if you speak only a few words, try that first.

If you come in a French shop or restaurant or café and start speaking English, expecting everybody to understand, you will not be welcome. If, once your interlocutor make you understand that he/she does not speak English, and you repeat what you said initially, but louder... you will be even less welcome... They are not deaf, you dumb-ass...

On the other hand, if you speak 2 or 3 words of French, try to read the menu, repeat after them the right pronunciation, your effort will be most likely granted with a smile and all efforts to make you at ease.

If you are in Portugal, PLEASE do not speak Spanish to them... The Portuguese are too nice to letting you know, but you are really ruffling their feathers if you do that.

And please, Please, PLEASE ! If you are in France, talking to a French person, do not ask him the most stupidest question of all: "Parlez-vous Français?" Of course he speaks fucking French. He IS fucking French!!! Asking that to a French person is not especially re-assuring about your language skills... nor your IQ...

If a Frenchman, smoking a Gauloise, in a street of New York, asks you "Do you speeeek Angliche?", what would be your answer?

I have had that exact experience when I have traveled to France. 

Many Americans complain that the French people are often rude and arrogant.  I only speak a few words of French, but I have found that a smile and bon jour when you walk into a shop or restaurant is all it takes.  I then politely ask if they speak English, and most of the time the answer is yes.  If not, smiling and pointing and more smiling has always gotten me what I needed.

I was at a small shop in Crete one time, and as the non English speaking shop keeper handed me my change from my purchase, I said thank you in Greek.  His smile in response was so big you would have thought I handed him a 100 euro tip. 

All it takes is being nice and not acting like an arrogant asshole.  In all my years of traveling and living overseas, I think I can count the number of times I was treated poorly on one hand.

With today's cell phones, it isn't difficult to Google up a few helpful phrases in the local language when you need one.  Years ago, there weren't so many tourists everywhere and in many countries finding someone that spoke English was difficult.  It was helpful to carry a little pocket dictionary or phrase book.  Today, especially in the touristy places, many people speak English, but that's still no reason no to learn to say 'good day', 'please' and 'thank you' in the local lingo.  It goes a long way in my experience.

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Bob gets busted for bestiality. Farmer caught him doing the nasty with a prize goat.
Bob asks his mate about a lawyer. Mate tells him there's only two lawyers in town, one's very respectable and very expensive, and the other's a drunken bum who works cheap. He's a crap lawyer but a genius at jury selection.
Bob goes with the cheap drunk lawyer.
Jury's selected, Bob's lawyer is pissed and nodding off, and the prosecutor calls the farmer as a witness.

"I saw that man having carnal relations with my goat. When he was finished and pulled out, the goat turned around and licked him clean!"

Jury foreman turns to the other jurors and says "A good goat will do that, every time", and they all started nodding and agreeing......

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10 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

 

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

Because the farmer with his dick stuck in the chicken needed to get to the other side. I thought everybody knew that?

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6 minutes ago, dorydude said:

Bob gets busted for bestiality. Farmer caught him doing the nasty with a prize goat.
Bob asks his mate about a lawyer. Mate tells him there's only two lawyers in town, one's very respectable and very expensive, and the other's a drunken bum who works cheap. He's a crap lawyer but a genius at jury selection.
Bob goes with the cheap drunk lawyer.
Jury's selected, Bob's lawyer is pissed and nodding off, and the prosecutor calls the farmer as a witness.

"I saw that man having carnal relations with my goat. When he was finished and pulled out, the goat turned around and licked him clean!"

Jury foreman turns to the other jurors and says "A good goat will do that, every time", and they all started nodding and agreeing......

On 1/8/2020 at 7:29 PM, Happy said:

Bobby Joe got busted for bestiality. Local farmer caught him having sex with a goat, reported him to the Sheriff and insisted he be charged.

Bobby Joe needed a lawyer, asked his buddy for advice. Buddy told him: "There's two lawyers in town. There's Mr. Rogers, who's very respected and very expensive, or there's Joe Fuckin' Smith, who's a drunken shithead who works real cheap. He's a crap lawyer, but he's a genius at jury selection."

Bobby goes with Joe because he's broke. The jury selection is finished, Joe's drunk and nodding off. The prosecutor calls the farmer as the main witness. "Now just tell us exactly what you saw, sir."

"I saw that sumbitch having carnal knowledge of one of my goats. And when he'd reached his unholy climax and pulled out, the goat turned around and licked his dick clean!"

The jury foreman looks at the rest of the jurors and says: "A good goat will do that, every time", and they all start nodding and agreeing.

Case dismissed.........

 

It's all in the delivery, and the timing...….

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11 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Ffs people, why do you find it necessary to pollute every thread with this horseshit, this is the JOKE thread, the oldest dedicated topic thread on SA by years. Keep it to jokes, we really couldn’t give a flying fuck about your offended sensibilities.

so, why DID the chicken cross the road?

To get away from you?  :lol:

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a woman who was pregnant got into an accident and fell into a coma

after 9 months she comes to, and immediately asks the nurse about her baby

the nurse tells her, you had twins a boy and a girl, but your husband wasn't away, so your brother named them..

That IDIOT, OMG,  what are the babies names...

well the girl's name is Denise...

Well that isn't so bad said the mother, what's the boy;s name?

Denephew..

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Related image

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On ‎10‎/‎8‎/‎2004 at 7:41 PM, mikesimpson said:

A man was charged with bestiality, having been reported as having had sex with a goat.

He didn't have enough money to hire the best lawyer in town, so he hired another lawyer who was famous for being able to select a sympathetic jury.

During the trial, the defendant's next-door neighbour was recounting how she saw him having sexual relations with the goat under the light of a full moon. She recounted that when the man had finished, the goat turned around and gave the man a big kiss right on the mouth.

At this testimony, the man and his lawyer turned to look at the jury to see their reaction.

Just at that moment, one of the jurors turned to one of the other jurors and said, "A good goat will do that."

 

16 hours ago, Happy said:

It's all in the delivery, and the timing...….

Agreed - all in the timing...…..:ph34r:

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On 1/21/2020 at 5:25 PM, Left Shift said:

In NYC, that's probably a legitimate question.  In Des Moines, less so.  In Alabama, the answer should really be no.

 

A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, “Got any I.D.?” and the driver replies “Bout wut?”

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Next question;

"Birthday"?

"July 3rd"

"What year"?

"Every year".

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Not a joke but humorous, if not creepy.

Here's the scenario:

  1. Walk into a conference room at a client's office one morning.
  2. The display in the room has a Netflix screen saver running
  3. Co-worker says "what's this?  I'm not touching this.  Grabs a tissue, leans down, a pulls up a bottle of lotion with the top unscrewed
  4. Another co-worker suggests looking at the Netflix username and then viewing history.
  5. Last viewed show is "Sex Education"
  6. Everyone decides to find a different conference room, but not before snapping the attached photo of the crime scene.

 

 

Netflix_and_Wank_2.jpg

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1 hour ago, chester said:

LNQR thread

I think it was somebody's idea of a joke.

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17 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

I think it was somebody's idea of a joke.

Ist no joke.  AC in commersialle bildengs and conerfrence roomes cane dry oute you skinne.                                            :)

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13 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

Ist no joke.  AC in commersialle bildengs and conerfrence roomes cane dry oute you skinne.                                            :)

Hey Snaggs, if that excuse always worked for you, I'm not gonna rat you out! :lol:

But I'll bet you were smart enough to turn off the wall monitor, or at least leave it on something else. 

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1 minute ago, Ed Lada said:

But I'll bet you were smart enough to turn of the wall monitor, or at least leave it on something else. 

Yeahe                                                  :)

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Image may contain: possible text that says 'What's wrong with Comet? His wife snuck off to Vegas and blew fifty bucks.'

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the look on your face when you're told you've unloaded 6000 bricks at the wrong location

 

aY7A1Xx_460swp.webp

¿Qué quieres decir con el lugar equivocado?                                                                   :)
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4 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the look on your face when you're told you've unloaded 6000 bricks at the wrong location

 

aY7A1Xx_460swp.webp

It can get worse. Years ago a house in Shaughnessy - maximum high end neighbourhood here - was demo'd over a weekend. The following week the owners returned from vacation to advise the crew that it was the house next door that was being replaced. :o

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6 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

It can get worse. Years ago a house in Shaughnessy - maximum high end neighbourhood here - was demo'd over a weekend. The following week the owners returned from vacation to advise the crew that it was the house next door that was being replaced. :o

Local builders about 20 years ago, got a nice house up to roof height, interstate owner came to look for the first time. "Nice job boys, but I own the block next door."

Owner phoned the guy whose block the house was on and offered him a straight swap plus a carton of beer.  Guy accepted immediately. 

Don't think it would be that easy nowadays.....

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On 1/25/2020 at 1:57 AM, Happy said:

Local builders about 20 years ago, got a nice house up to roof height, interstate owner came to look for the first time. "Nice job boys, but I own the block next door."

Owner phoned the guy whose block the house was on and offered him a straight swap plus a carton of beer.  Guy accepted immediately. 

Don't think it would be that easy nowadays.....

20 years ago was 2000.  We just survived y2k, so I bet it wouldn't have been so easy then either.  

 

Biggest joke of all time next year the 2000 kids will be old enough to drink.

Now you have a reason for your hand shaking as you drink your morning coffee

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zY9UtRv.jpg

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How do you keep your wife from going out?

 

 

 

 

Pour a little more gasoline on her. 

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4 minutes ago, Leeroy Jenkins said:
On 2/1/2020 at 5:09 PM, Raptorsailor said:

Chink's disease would also work

Prick. 

Hay Leroye, dointe engaige RS if he chooses be demeaneng to ortheres.......               :)

juste my thouht...............             :)

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8 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

say's the person with a 1" dick...

So where did this new asshole come from?

Hey raptorsailor - you know there's a line between funny and being an assmunch, right?  I mean - "kung Flu" is funny, because you know... Kung Fu.  Chink's disease is just... racist and asshole-ish.

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13 hours ago, mainsheetsister said:

Catherine woulda loved this 

 

84167986_132895011194768_662199659720081408_n.jpg

Having grown up Catholic (up to about age 10 anyway) I particularly love this one!~

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6 hours ago, Grrr... said:

Hey raptorsailor - you know there's a line between funny and being an assmunch, right? 

Apparently he doesn't.

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I got mugged last night. I told the guy I had no cash.

Good thing he had a portable EFTPOS machine.

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I went to see the Cure tribute band: Placebo

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On 1/27/2020 at 5:58 PM, peragrin said:

20 years ago was 2000.  We just survived y2k, so I bet it wouldn't have been so easy then either.  

 

Biggest joke of all time next year the 2000 kids will be old enough to drink.

Now you have a reason for your hand shaking as you drink your morning coffee

they were old enough to drink two years ago, in the developed world!

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14 hours ago, Derek Grebe said:

they were old enough to drink two years ago, in the developed world!

Drink, Vote and Drive in these parts

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49 minutes ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Drink, Vote and Drive in these parts

In that order?

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33 minutes ago, warbird said:

In that order?

You've read my mind.

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5 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Drink, Vote and Drive in these parts

 

4 hours ago, warbird said:

In that order?

 

3 hours ago, justsomeguy! said:

You've read my mind.

:lol:

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5 hours ago, warbird said:

In that order?

Yep, as you Septics would understand, voting is a very sobering experience.

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2 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Yep, as you Septics would understand, voting is a very sobering experience.

I'd say the results can be quite sobering.

At least, they were in 2016 in the U.S. But I quickly got over it.

Septics?

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19 minutes ago, justsomeguy! said:

I'd say the results can be quite sobering.

At least, they were in 2016 in the U.S. But I quickly got over it.

Septics?

Septics, formal.

Seppos, informal.

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4 minutes ago, Gissie said:

Septics, formal.

Seppos, informal.

Ah, an Aussie thing. Thanks.

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3 minutes ago, justsomeguy! said:

Ah, an Aussie thing. Thanks.

And Kiwi, you can't leave us out of it.

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11 minutes ago, Gissie said:

And Kiwi, you can't leave us out of it.

I thought you two were mutually exclusive?

Good on ya, just the less (whatever that means).

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1 minute ago, justsomeguy! said:

I thought you two were mutually exclusive?

Good on ya, just the less (whatever that means).

Sweet as, have a good one.

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12 minutes ago, justsomeguy! said:

I thought you two were mutually exclusive?

Good on ya, just the less (whatever that means).

I think I meant "nonetheless". Well, I like both Aussies and Kiwis.

Sobering...

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1 hour ago, justsomeguy! said:

Septics?

Aussie rhyming slang, Septic Tank = Yank, shortened to Seppo

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3 hours ago, justsomeguy! said:

I think I meant "nonetheless". Well, I like both Aussies and Kiwis.

Sobering...

Nonetheless makes sense. Your 'just the less' had me as confused as you were.

As for sobering, as long as it isn't followed by 'up' you should be okay.

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12 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Drink, Vote and Drive in these parts

Our age was dropped to 18 in a lot of states due to the Vietnam War draft.  If you are old enough to kill, you are old enough to drink.  It's too bad Mothers Against Drunk Drivers wasn't Mothers Against Dead Draftees.

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