JOD

Joke

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Saw a Yahoo news headline - "Austraila builds worlds largest sheep database". I figure it must be some sort of computer dating system for lonely austrailan men.

 

Austrailia - where men are men and the sheep run scared.

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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

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[i’ve noticed a little confusion demonstrated on this site every time the game of cricket is mentioned. In order to avoid this in the future, please refer to a simple explaination below.

 

Cricket explained.

 

You have two sides. One out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.

 

When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.

 

Sometimes you get men in and not out.

 

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, it’s the end of the game.

 

SIMPLE! HOWZAT!

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Do the following search and see where you land.

 

1. Go to www.google.com

 

2. In the search bar type "failure".

 

3. Press the "I'm feeling lucky" button (instead of "search")

 

4. Send this to others before Google fixes this.

 

Enjoy.

 

Who has the time to try all this stuff out or who landed on it by sheer accident?

 

:lol::lol::lol:

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In memory of a very funny man.....

 

 

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint, must have been that the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.

 

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

 

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

 

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

 

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

 

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

 

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

 

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

 

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

 

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

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Ronnie Barker was a wordsmith. Look at all the great boat names and nautical descriptions in that one skit alone......

 

Rindercella and her sugly isters.....any 3 hand boat (skiffs etchells etc.)

right bugly astards.......................good name for the bow crew

forrible huckers...........................good name for stern crew

cotton runts.................................pit

light rucking fesbian.....................good on any boat

hucking cuge farriage...................maxi cbtf boat

bucking fuge halls........................30 footer for Hobart

lucking fuxury.............................ultimate CR

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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the

passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally,

 

she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith

Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

 

 

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

''Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

 

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know

what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

 

 

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."

 

"Now it's the Box office."

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to follow grumps with the airplane jokes...:

Two pilots were munching on a snack in the pilot lounge. "Say, Bill... how about we have a quick shot of vodka before we head out." Bill looks hesitantly at his co-pilot. "Thanks, but I don't want to fly drunk. I want to fly high."

---------------------

Did you hear about the WW 2 flight instructor who gave his life for his country

trying to train young cadets faster than they could possibly learn?

Yep. Died a horrible death. It seems that one student would never land the PT-

17 used at the cadet's base. He was good enough, but lacked confidence. On

short final he would always shout through the intercom, "I can't do it! You

take it, Sir!! Well, the instructor thought about it for a long time and decided on

a plan. One morning he said "Son, today I will fly the first circuit. I want

you to follow me through on the controls AND FOLLOW EVERYTHING THAT I DO.

The instructor flew a perfect pattern and made the prettiest three pointer you could ever hope for. Then he said "Son, you CAN do it. If you do it all the same, you will

pass and become an ace for sure. However if you screw up this time, its back

to the trenches for you!"

The student was impressed. He made a perfect takeoff, pattern and approach. On short final the instructor had figured out a perfect way to MAKE the student take the landing. The instructor reached down and pulled the safety pin out of the front cockpit control stick, pulled the stick from it's socket, and chucked the stick overboard. Now the student would HAVE to make the landing.

The student, ever mindful of the instructor's firm instructions, reached down and pulled the safety pin from the back cockpit control stick, and chucked it overboard........

 

----------------------------

 

> The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the

 

> aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the

 

> other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter

 

> spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door

 

> closes, and the engines start up.

 

>

 

>

 

> The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign

 

> that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The

 

> plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in

 

> the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the

 

> edge of the airport territory.

 

>

 

>

 

> As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,

 

> panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts

 

> smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little

 

> sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the

 

> knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

 

>

 

>

 

> In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

 

> "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and

 

> we're all gonna die."

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Coors Light ... Interested in how steady your hand is, so practice with IceSwipe.

 

Try this Coors Light Ice Swipe

 

 

 

 

M-Joy .... you could remove that photo and leave the link ya know <_<

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Coors Light ... Interested in how steady your hand is, so practice with IceSwipe.

 

Try this Coors Light Ice Swipe

 

 

 

 

M-Joy .... you could remove that photo and leave the link ya know <_<

Agree again Bowgirl, the topic is Joke not sick....

 

Anyway, You hear about the dyslexic guy that walked into a bra.....

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A NEW CASE:

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them,

“I must tell you all something….

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

"Praise the Lord”, says a blonde nun at the back….

"I'm so tired of Chardonnay.”

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This should probably be in PA but what the heck.....

 

BIPARTISAN BUMPERSTICKER:

Finally! Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper

sticker.

 

"2008 - RUN HILLARY, RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

 

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

 

His dizzy aunt

--------------------Verti Gogh

 

The brother who ate prunes

--------------------Gotta Gogh

 

The brother who worked at a convenience store

--------------------Stop n Gogh

 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia

--------------------U Gogh

 

The cousin from Illinois

-------------------- Chi-ca Gogh

 

His magician uncle

--------------------Where-diddy Gogh

 

His Mexican cousin

-------------------- A mee Gogh

 

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother

-------------------- Gring Gogh

 

The nephew who drove a stage coach

--------------Wells-far Gogh

 

The constipated uncle

-------------------- Cant Gogh

 

The ballroom dancing aunt

-------------------- Tang Gogh

 

The bird lover uncle

--------------------Fla-min Gogh

 

His nephew psychoanalyst

-------------------- E Gogh

 

The fruit loving cousin

--------------------Man Gogh

 

An aunt who taught positive thinking

---------------- Way-to Gogh

 

The little bouncy nephew

-------------------- Poe Gogh

 

A sister who loved disco

-------------------- Go Gogh

 

And his niece who travels the country in a van (you guessed it!)

--------------------Winnie Bay Gogh

 

And there ya Gogh!

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SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN!

 

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"

 

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

 

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

 

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

 

5. You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

 

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.

 

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway

 

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway

 

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

 

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

 

11. You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died.

 

12. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

 

13. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.

 

14. You know what a touque is.

 

15. You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"

 

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

 

18. You know that the four seasons mean: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work.

 

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

 

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

 

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"

 

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'

 

23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

 

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

 

25. You actually understand these jokes,

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13. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.

Will you please keep "Celine" on your side of the border? William Shatner, too. As part of the deal, we'll happily adopt Shania Twain, and throw in (out?) Jerry Lewis for the French-Canadians.

 

Deal, eh?

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A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time her father's nakedness.

 

Immediately, she is curious ~ He has equipment that she doesn't have.

 

She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

 

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here."

 

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

 

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring....

 

 

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though

 

she has had no lessons or prior experience.

 

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs

 

into action.

 

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde

 

begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane,

but

 

cannot get a firm grip.

 

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides

 

down the side of the horse anyway!

 

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping

 

rider.

 

Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the

 

horse and throw herself to safety.

 

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she

 

is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck

 

against the ground over and over and over.

 

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments

 

away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Cecil, the Wal-Mart

 

greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

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Why is a Chocolate bar better than a man?

 

Because I'm guaranteed to get something satisfying when I take the wrapper off.

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1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and

apes?

 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad

girls live.

 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help

section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it

considered a hostage situation?

 

10. Is there another word for synonym?

 

11. Where do Forest Rangers go to "get away from it all?"

 

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered

plant?

 

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will

clean them?

 

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain

silent?

 

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

 

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

 

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

 

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

 

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

 

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

 

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

 

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

 

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become

disoriented?

 

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to

be:

 

1. a friend

 

 

2. a companion

 

 

3. a lover

 

 

4. a brother

 

 

5. a father

 

 

6. a master

 

 

7. a chef

 

 

8. an electrician

 

 

9. a carpenter

 

 

10. a plumber

 

 

11. a mechanic

 

 

12. a decorator

 

 

13. a stylist

 

 

14. a sexologist

 

 

15. a gynecologist

 

 

16. a psychologist

 

 

17. a pest exterminator

 

 

18. a psychiatrist

 

 

19. a healer

 

 

20. a good listener

 

 

21. an organizer

 

 

22. a good father

 

 

23. very clean

 

 

24. sympathetic

 

 

25. athletic

 

 

26. warm

 

 

27. attentive

 

 

28. gallant

 

 

29. intelligent

 

 

30. funny

 

 

31. creative

 

 

32. tender

 

 

33. strong

 

 

34. understanding

 

 

35. tolerant

 

 

36. prudent

 

 

37. ambitious

 

 

38. capable

 

 

39. courageous

 

 

40. determined

 

 

41. true

 

 

42. dependable

 

 

43. passionate

 

 

44. compassionate

 

 

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

 

 

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

 

 

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

 

 

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

 

 

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

 

 

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

 

 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

 

 

54. Never to forget:

 

 

* birthdays

 

 

* anniversaries

 

 

* arrangements she makes

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

 

 

1. Show up naked

 

 

2. Bring food and beer

 

 

3. Hand over the remote.

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

 

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

 

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his left butt cheek!

 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt cheek.

 

In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill.

 

I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck the fifty to his left butt cheek again.

 

My relief was short-lived. The guy raced over to me!!!

Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to top the $50.

 

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

 

What could I do????

 

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

 

:rolleyes:

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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,

they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place,

and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom

is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

 

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.

Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.

Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a

collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she

decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed

by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him,

invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and

make hot steamy love.

 

After she has this intense night of passion with

this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow,

the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

 

The guy yawns: "Not bad ... help yourself to any prize from the bottom

shelf."

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What's the definition of a Yankee?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it's sort of like a quickie, but you're by yourself.

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World's shortest fairy tale ... with a twist

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"

 

The guy said, "No."

 

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.

 

The end.

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WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- - silence -

HUSBAND:

F**k

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Bowgirl,

But who took out the trash from all the take-out containers and what's the point of farting if there's no-one around? Or are you saying gals fart anyway? (What a senseless waste of methane).

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She's a woman in the 21st century > she takes out her own trash, and waves with a 'woo hoo' at her own farts. No more a waste of methane than when the guys do it

B)

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital.

 

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

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She's a woman in the 21st century > she takes out her own trash, and waves with a 'woo hoo' at her own farts. No more a waste of methane than when the guys do it

B)

 

 

OK I know when I am reduced to sperm donor status...

 

Was just thinking if there was no cooking there would be lots of dead receptacles to take out.

 

Dont waste a fart if there is a lighter or a bath around. Never been able to combine the two... :lol:

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

 

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

 

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

 

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

 

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

 

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

 

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

 

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

 

 

A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy respond,s "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

 

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

 

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

 

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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Subject: FW: FW: 5 Important Business Concepts

 

 

 

 

> Corporate Lesson 1:

>

> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

> shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a

towel

> and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the

> next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you

> $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops

> her towel

and

> stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800

> dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back

> upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was

that?"

> "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the

> husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

>

> Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to

> credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a

> position to

prevent

> avoidable exposure.

>

> Corporate Lesson 2:

>

> A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,

> forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The

> nun

said,

> "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,

> changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once

> again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized

> "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun

> went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to

> look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go

> forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

>

> Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you

> might

miss

> a great opportunity.

>

> Corporate Lesson 3:

>

> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to

> lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie

> comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me

first! Me first!"

> says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a

> speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone."Me next! Me

> next!" says

the

> sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

> personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of

> my

life."

Poof!

> He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager

> says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

>

> Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

>

> Corporate Lesson 4:

>

> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked

> him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow

answered:

> "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and

> rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

>

> Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

> sitting very high up.

>

> Corporate Lesson 5:

>

> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

> the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well,

> why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're

> packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found

> that it

gave

> him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next

day,

> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally

> after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the

> tree. Soon

he

> was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

>

> Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't

> keep

you

> there.

>

>

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An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam

in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

 

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the

whole bread?"

 

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his

breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

 

The American blew a huge bubble. " We don't. In the states we only eat

whats inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle

them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia."

 

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in

silence.

 

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

 

Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course".

 

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the

states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

 

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do." The Australian

leaned closer to him and asked, "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

"We throw them away, of course"

 

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we

put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

 

Why do you think its called Wrigley's?"

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What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in dirt?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A shortage of dirt.

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Guest staff-a-car

Two funeral directors are discussing their week's work.

First funeral director:- man, I've seen nothing but wrinkled old men and decapitated car wreck victims all week.

Second funeral diredtor:- Yeh, my week started off like that but Thursday afternoon I got a drowning victim in. 21 years old, face like a Barbie doll, D cup tits. I'm getting her ready for embalming, pulled her top off and saw she had nipples like 3/8 stainless bolts. Popped the wee side ties on her bikini bottom and she had the cutest little wax job you ever saw but you wouldn't believe her clitoris, it was like a pickle.

First funeral director:- Like a pickle? That big?

Second funeral director:- No man, it tasted of vinegar

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It's important to have back up job skills . . .

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said "during the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

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FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

THIRD TESTIMONY

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

 

LAST TESTIMONY

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too..... they were laughing so hard!

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[My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

 

LAST TESTIMONY

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too..... they were laughing so hard!

 

Bowgirl,

Cant beat that public embarrassment factor. The beet -red bit musta bin someone else surely? You have posted too many jokes of off-colour to be going red in front of anyone, surely?

 

Here's a way of creating your own public scandal.

Not original and would be pleased as if the sailing mate/ originator identifies here!

Walking through a crowded building doorway, or any crowded place, step back from the female company you are walking with and say loudly, "OK, see if I care, HAVE an abortion!" Of course they may not speak to you for a while. [Male variation, 'vasectomy' works as well.] B)

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Bowgirl,

Cant beat that public embarrassment factor. The beet -red bit musta bin someone else surely? You have posted too many jokes of off-colour to be going red in front of anyone, surely?

 

Here's a way of creating your own public scandal.

Not original and would be pleased as if the sailing mate/ originator identifies here!

Walking through a crowded building doorway, or any crowded place, step back from the female company you are walking with and say loudly, "OK, see if I care, HAVE an abortion!" Of course they may not speak to you for a while. [Male variation, 'vasectomy' works as well.] B)

 

Funny, I was wondering who'd take that "I" as the real-me instead of the "received via email 'I'" Not me in any of the above ... but I do my share of firmly planting my foot in mouth. Try being hoisted up the mast at the club and calling out "I need 5 more inches!" Will that do? Didja know sound travels really far up there?! :lol:

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Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".

"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"

"Are You sure Mick?"

"Yep, no worries mate"

"100 %?"

"YES!"

So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a gonner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective Nations chase women the hardest.

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates, trying to crack on the Sheila's!".

Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet eez us for sure".

Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting

from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTT!!!"

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Subject: Australian Definition of a true friend

 

 

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet

 

"friendship" poems that never come close to reality?

 

Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

 

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

 

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

 

4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

 

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

 

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

 

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

 

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.

 

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can

 

only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

 

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help

 

you move a body.

 

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey has eaten, then leaves.

 

 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. He asks, "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the Bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

 

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

 

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

 

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an intercontinental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly......he in the upper bunk, she in the lower.

 

At 1.00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend

that we're married."

 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket."

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly

aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30

years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new

clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her

husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of

deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him

certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2

million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her

savings and investments.

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her

husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found

his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I

would have given you all my business!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

 

Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut.

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The new rural politicial introducing himself to his fellow politicians said,

"Hello, I am a country member."

 

To which the only possible response was, " Of course we will remember. How could we ever forget?"

 

Thanks to Mungo MacCallum, "How to be a Megalomaniac". :rolleyes:

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OK - two in one day - it was a good day :)

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

 

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

 

The question?.....What do women really want?

 

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

 

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

 

But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

 

Which would he prefer????

 

Beautiful during the day....or beautiful during night?

 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

 

 

What would YOU do?

 

 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

 

 

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 

 

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are bound to get ugly!!!!!

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Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate

with their English-speaking tourists:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO

THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,

PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the

grounds of a Nairobi private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel,

Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS,ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN

THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE

AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

(sounds like the Italians!)

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON

YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

In a Japanese cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

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Hvae Fun Raeindg tihs

 

 

I cdnuol't blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was

rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aocdcrnig to rsecearh at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it denso't mtetar in waht oredr the lteters

in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat

lteter be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can siltl raed it wouthit a porbelm.

 

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

 

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

 

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

 

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

 

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

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A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

 

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

 

"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut

juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How

about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

 

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

 

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"She stares into his eyes.

 

He can't believe what he's hearing... "You mean," he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "I can check my e-mail from here?

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Hvae Fun Raeindg tihs

 

 

I cdnuol't blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was

rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aocdcrnig to rsecearh at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it denso't mtetar in waht oredr the lteters

in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat

lteter be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can siltl raed it wouthit a porbelm.

 

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

Knowing this, I wonder how French Connection, UK, *ever* got it into their heads to put the abbreviation of their name on their clothes :).

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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, were walking down the street, and passed a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

 

The redhead sighed and said, "oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

 

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said "Don't you like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

 

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers; and I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

 

To which the blonde said .................

 

 

........... "Don't you have a vase?"

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[

I cdnuol't blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was

rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aocdcrnig to rsecearh at

Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it denso't mtetar in waht oredr the lteters

in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat

lteter be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can siltl raed it wouthit a porbelm.

 

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

God I feel lkie I hvae cmoe hmoe, now evhrynithg is celar, I amlsot wet meslyf,

tnahks Briwgol

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A man walks into a doctors office and the doctor starts asking him questions.

 

Do you drink?

 

Socially.

 

And how social are you?

 

That's a personal questtion

 

They are all going to be personal questions. That's why you are sitting there naked as a rat embryo. So how much do you drink?

 

Six or seven a week

 

Beers?

 

Days

 

And how much do you consume per week?

 

About 12 beer. Less if there is no hockey, including minor hockey. (Translated:24 Beer)

 

And what is you weight?

 

About an hour and 45 minutes, but hey, for your office, that was quick

 

Okay, when you step on the scales what do they say

 

Get off! But I thing I weigh about 240 lbs

 

Oh wait, I see the nurse has already weighed you. 255 lbs

 

Well, these socks are extra thick and I had a bunch of Kleenex in my pockets and lint in my navel. At home, naked with the lights off, I'm sure it says 240

 

How often are you up in the night to go to the bathroom?

 

I'd say seven

 

Well, we'd better check that prostate then

 

Errr, ummm, 7:00 am I...I get up at 7:00. Other than that , I sleep like a baby

 

You know, Hank, that gum disease has been associated with heart disease

 

I don't chew gum no more. Cant without my teeth

 

How often do you floss?

 

Floss?

 

Forget it

 

I've been coughing for a month, doc

 

Do you smoke?

 

Nope, quit

 

When?

 

Cant rember exactly

 

Try

 

Okay. Maybe 2, 2:30

 

Do you exercise?

 

You bet, I get a real sweat going and my heart rate gets right up there for about 30 minutes every day

 

Doing what?

 

Watching Fashion File

 

Thats hardly a cardiovascular work out

 

Well, I have to find the remote first and lifting three couches is not as easy as it sounds

 

Are they heavy

 

Depends

 

On what?

 

If you mean the African or the American couch?

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girl: Mummy, do people in vietnam put up christmas decorations like we do?

mum: No, they just hang glitter.

 

(may be lost on non-brits)

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You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender, too.

 

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

 

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

 

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

 

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

 

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

 

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

 

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

 

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

 

9)A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

 

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

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Q: How are a Tornado and marriage similar?

 

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway

when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

 

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and

drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign,

which says:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

 

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are

for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into

the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a

small sign next to the door reading:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

 

He climbs the steps and rings the bell...The door is

answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and

was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

 

He is led through many winding passages and is soon

quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and

tells the man, Please knock on this door".

 

He does as he is told and another nun in a long

habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,

"Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden

door at the end of this hallway".

 

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the

second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips

through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back

in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

 

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

 

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the European Union rather than

German, which was the other possibility.

 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-

year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up

konfusion, and keyboards *kan* have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like

fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling *kan* be

expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have

always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag

is disgrasful and it should go away.

 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"

with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords

kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in

ze forst plas.

 

:D

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This guy gets sent to jail for the first time in his life. He's walking around like a deer in the headlights of a car. His cell mate agrees to give him the lay of the land. They go out to the exercise yard and walk up to a group. One guy in the group says "17." All the guys except the new guy bursts out laughing. Another guy says "124." Again the whole group bursts in laughter, except the new guy. This goes on for a bit more. They get back to their cell and the new guy says, "What were all of those numbers and why were they laughing?" The cell mate replies, "There are only 300 jokes in the entire world. Since there isn't much to do in the pen, we wrote them all down and numbered them. Then we tell the jokes by number." Then the cell mate handed the numbered joke book to the new guy. He studies the book ferociously to fit in and waits for the next day. Again the group forms, and the first guy says, "83." They laugh. The next guy says "229." Again they laugh. The new guy says, "102." Dead silence. When the cell mates got back in the cell, the new guy asks why the group didn't laugh at 102, it's a good joke? The cell mate said, "You don't know how to tell 'em."

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that

 

would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.

 

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much

 

in favour if it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,

 

explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had

 

ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the

 

doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the

 

machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine.

 

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how

 

well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

 

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was

 

obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged

 

the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy

 

baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

 

 

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

> A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when

 

> he's pulled over by the Police.

 

> The police officer approaches him and asks:

 

> "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving

 

> badly?"

 

> "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the

 

ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

> A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs

 

up on Santa's lap.

 

> Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

 

> The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks

 

> at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with

 

> Ken."

 

> "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it

 

> with Ken."

 

> ______________________________________________________________________

 

> A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next

 

> to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

 

> The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair

 

on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

> Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami

 

> Championships from Tokyo.

 

 

 

> Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

____________________________________________________________________

 

> A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it

 

> has been one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with Fannie

 

> Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner,

 

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

 

>

> Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two

 

> months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green

 

twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is

 

this Fannie Green?"

>

 

> A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well,"

 

says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

 

>

> The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his

 

> sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's

 

eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in

 

front of the Altar.

 

> > Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green

 

> shoes.

 

> > The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs

 

> slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the

 

altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

 

>

> The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off

 

> her shoes".

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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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Guest staff-a-car

What's the definition of making love?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something the missus does while I'm having a fuck

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an american, japanese bloke and an irishman in a bar, ann there's a bleeping sound. The american preses his arm and the bleeping stops.

 

"it's my pager, i have a microchip in my arm" he says

 

Then, the phone rings. The jap put his hand to his ear. "It's my phone, i have a chip in my palm"

 

Not to be outdone, the irishman goes to the toilet and comes back with bog paper hanging out of his arse "bejesus will ya look at that - i'm getting a fax!"

 

:D

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A Christmas Story

 

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

 

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little sh!ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

 

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

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The truth about tools...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

For all you tool lovers!

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. P.S. be carefull where you aim this. Pick something you don't care about that is large enough you can't miss it. Experience has taught me this one. Jack

 

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

 

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

 

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

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A Ukrainian migrant goes to the Department of Motor

Transport to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test.

The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

"Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I went to school with the arsehole."

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

 

Running around, the chicken spied the f! armer's new Harley. finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear

bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and

soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his tail and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip,and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 

The moral of the story? .......

 

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

 

:P

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

 

Running around, the chicken spied the f! armer's new Harley. finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear

bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and

soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his tail and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip,and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 

The moral of the story? .......

 

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

 

:P

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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around

the block?"

 

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

 

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

 

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

 

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for

a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,

and to come to you."

 

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

 

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside

with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep

Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl

left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

 

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

 

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the

block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Stoned Monkey

 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

 

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.

 

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

 

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaak dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, She did a splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

 

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

 

Bruce came running in.

 

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

 

 

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up.

 

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

 

"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

 

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

 

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the Tiles under her," replied Cobber.

 

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples.

 

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "not exactly a good time for that mate!"

 

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we Can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

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A boy and his dad are in the park throwing a ball, the ice cream vendor stops by and the dad buys two cones. They sit on the park bench eating the ice cream when two dogs out in front of them start going at it.

Boy: Dad, what are those dogs doing?

Dad: (fumbling trying to avoid the question), Uh, you see the one dog stepped on something sharp and the other dog is giving it a piggy back ride home. (feeling genious for his quick answer)

Boy: Dad, isn't that just like life?

Dad: (confused) What is that son?

Boy: It seems that every time you try to help someone out, they end up fucking you in the arse!

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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A guy gets back from his honeymoon and his buddy wants details. He says, "Well, did you go at it?" The honemooner says, "No." "Why not?" Asked the buddy? The honeymooner says, "Well you see she has gonorrhea." The buddy says, "Did you flip her over and give her one up the poop shoot? The honeymooner said, "No, she had Diarrhea." The buddy said, "Did you get a knobber?" Again the honeymooner said, "No. She has pyorrhea." The buddy said, "What in the earth did you marry this girl for?" The honeymooner said, "She's got worms and I like to fish!"

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These Are Real, Word for word exchanges that were taken were written down and published in a book called "disorder in American Courts"

...I feel sorry for the fella that had to copy these down while keeping quiet

---------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

 

 

WITNESS: July 18th.

 

 

ATTORNEY: What year?

 

 

WITNESS: Every year.

 

------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 

 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

---------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

 

_____________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

 

 

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

 

 

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

 

 

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

 

 

_____________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

 

 

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

 

 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 

 

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

 

 

WITNESS: We both do.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

 

 

WITNESS: We do.

 

 

ATTORNEY: You do?

 

 

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

 

 

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

 

___________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

 

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

 

 

________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

 

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 

 

WITNESS: Uh....

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

 

WITNESS: None.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

 

 

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

 

 

dead people?

 

 

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you

 

 

go to?

 

 

WITNESS: Oral.

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 

 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 

 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 

 

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

 

 

doing an autopsy on him!

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

 

WITNESS: Huh?

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

 

 

for a pulse?

 

 

WITNESS: No.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

 

WITNESS: No.

 

 

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

 

 

WITNESS: No.

 

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

 

 

you began the autopsy?

 

 

WITNESS: No.

 

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

 

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

 

 

practicing law

-------------------------------------

 

...American Stupidity amazes me sometimes

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A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow".

 

The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this....

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing".

 

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"

 

The old Man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open"

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

 

 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

 

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

 

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives “for our own good”.

 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

 

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

 

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

 

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

 

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

 

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

 

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

 

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"