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Yeah, sorry for the hijack. Not sorry for shooting Bambi's mother, or his aunts and grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc....

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33 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

aww cmon y'all this is the joke thread not fucking Field and Stream confessions.

 

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit around in a boat all day drinking beer.

FTFY

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Need Some Laughs? Check out These Fishing Jokes [PICS] - Wide Open Spaces |  Fishing jokes, Fishing quotes funny, Jokes pics

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Fishing Jokes

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
- (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
- "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

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Fishing Jokes

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13 hours ago, MR.CLEAN said:

I offered them all a beating trout heart.  The two that aren't mine said 'gross'.  Mine grabbed it and started dancing to the beat.  Ruthless.

Gonna be la lawyer!

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14 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

aww cmon y'all this is the joke thread not fucking Field and Stream confessions.

 

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

Build a man a fire and he is warm for a night

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

 

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A  few seasons ago, the Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young  Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the  player to come over.
Two  weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes  left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he  goes.
The  lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game  for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are  delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
‘Hello  mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0  down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,  they all love me.’
‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day …
Your  father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and  assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you  tell me that you were having a great time.’
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his mum, ‘It’s your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!’

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On 9/10/2020 at 2:53 PM, Wet Spreaders said:

Build a man a fire and he is warm for a night

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

 

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everybody.

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

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I believe their concern was reproduction not "sex".  But I may be wrong. 

Or perhaps the concern was more an environmental quality issue in a zero G environment with horny guys and smuggled magazines..  

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On 9/18/2020 at 6:18 PM, Left Shift said:

I believe their concern was reproduction not "sex".  But I may be wrong. 

Or perhaps the concern was more an environmental quality issue in a zero G environment with horny guys and smuggled magazines..  

dude !

 

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On 9/19/2020 at 11:18 AM, Left Shift said:

I believe their concern was reproduction not "sex".  But I may be wrong. 

Or perhaps the concern was more an environmental quality issue in a zero G environment with horny guys and smuggled magazines..  

Ha !!!! a cabin full of flying fish

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If someone plays Christmas music in September, are you allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration?

Asking for a friend.

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42 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

If someone plays Christmas music in September, are you allowed obliged to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration?

Asking for a friend.

Yes. And teach your children so the tradition will carry on.

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9 hours ago, Black Sox said:

Yes. And teach your children so the tradition will carry on.

And thus is born Thanksgiving 

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My best friend isn't talking to me. He caught me sniffing his sister's panties.

I don't whether it was because she was wearing them or because the whole family was there, but it made the rest of her funeral very awkward for me.

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Out loud, in a Cork accent:

A B, C D birds?

M N O birds!

O S D R birds.

O BJ, D R birds.

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On 9/24/2020 at 5:56 AM, Black Sox said:

Out loud, in a Cork accent:

A B, C D birds?

M N O birds!

O S D R birds.

O BJ, D R birds.

Forgot the

C D I D B D wings

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2 hours ago, burndoc said:

Forgot the

C D I D B D wings

 

On 9/24/2020 at 4:56 AM, Black Sox said:

Out loud, in a Cork accent:

A B, C D birds?

M N O birds!

O S D R birds.

O BJ, D R birds.

 

somehow the whole joke doesn't seem to translate to text..

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Like they couldn't see that coming?

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I'm surprised it wasn't completely deflated after that

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1 hour ago, P_Wop said:

$70,000.00 for the haircuts?  Dream on.

I love the contrast with all his statements about how he alone does his hair.

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21 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

 

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You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. 
 

pure bullshit!!  
 

i regret having done business with you in the past 

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9 minutes ago, arcpix said:

You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. 
 

pure bullshit!!  
 

i regret having done business with you in the past 

Glenn's friends and family already joke about his death

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34 minutes ago, arcpix said:

You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. 
 

pure bullshit!!  
 

i regret having done business with you in the past 

That was funny.....

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On 9/29/2020 at 3:06 PM, chester said:

 

 

who do you think you are? VWAP?

hey didn't you see the thread title ?  what were you expecting?    besides it's just a reminder that someone has a job that's worse than yours..

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Roger's Profanisaurus is a scurrilous column in a vile British mag, Viz. One entry today was "Russian Suicide. n. A death caused by any number of bullets greater than one."

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Apparently there was a typo on the POTUS pathology report, he was actually tested for Moronavirus...

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1 hour ago, olaf hart said:

Apparently there was a typo on the POTUS pathology report, he was actually tested for Moronavirus...

Seriously...there is an entire area of the website devoted to shit like this. Left wing or right wing, I don't want to see it. Take it to PA!

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1 hour ago, olaf hart said:

Apparently there was a typo on the POTUS pathology report, he was actually tested for Moronavirus...

must have got it from being too close to Biden

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4 hours ago, burndoc said:

must have got it from being too close to Biden

:lol: Well played.

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Fuck y’all for your thread ruining political shitslinging. May y’all be visited by a particularly aggressive strain of ‘rona, and only have access to your potus’ medicinal suggestions 

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I heard one yesterday:

The Democrats are starting to believe there's a God and the Republicans are starting to believe in science.

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On 10/3/2020 at 3:59 PM, PurpleOnion said:

May you sail off the edge of the flat earth.

 

That is the very reason we follow the lead boat in offshore races, when they disappear, we tack.

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On 9/21/2020 at 1:51 PM, 167149 said:

Ha !!!! a cabin full of flying fish

twos company,  threes a crowd.  ever see a group of more than two women that can stand each other for more than a hour. 

 

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On 10/2/2020 at 10:52 AM, On The Hard said:

Seriously...there is an entire area of the website devoted to shit like this. Left wing or right wing, I don't want to see it. Take it to PA!

not even the joke thread is sacred anymore.. 

 

==================================================================================

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

 

Slow down and use some lubricant.

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You know why Miss Piggy can't count to 70?

Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

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Miss Piggy quote.  One of the great ones

 

” never eat more than you can lift”

 

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her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through here body...

 

 

 

 

probably should have told her about the electric fence...

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Q: Why is an East Bay tart like a KFC?

A: When you're done with the breasts and thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.

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Does anyone else get an urge to scratch their leg when counting in Japanese?

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58 minutes ago, mccroc said:

Does anyone else get an urge to scratch their leg when counting in Japanese?

Brilliant!

 

WL

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I was in a German restaurant, and when my order turned up, all the plate had on it was two black dots. I said to the waiter “No! I asked for an omelette.”

 

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7 hours ago, mccroc said:

Does anyone else get an urge to scratch their leg when counting in Japanese?

No, only my knee for some reason.  Those Datsun owners though.  they always want to take it one step further.

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7 hours ago, mccroc said:

I was in a German restaurant, and when my order turned up, all the plate had on it was two black dots. I said to the waiter “No! I asked for an omelette.”

 

Golf clap. :D

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Image may contain: 2 people, text

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from Stapleford Abbots and will fly to Sandbanks where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast  and flying home  to Stapleford Abbots in time for dinner.

If interested please pm me..

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

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Yesterday in California was "Indigenous Peoples' Day."  

Thank goodness we've given up on Columbus. Worst entrepreneur ever. 

He left, not knowing where he was going; arrived, not knowing where he was; went back, not knowing where he'd been.  And he did it all with someone else's money.

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35 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

Yesterday in California was "Indigenous Peoples' Day."  

Thank goodness we've given up on Columbus. Worst entrepreneur ever. 

He left, not knowing where he was going; arrived, not knowing where he was; went back, not knowing where he'd been.  And he did it all with someone else's money.

Nowadays that would get you elected to office!

 

WL

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1 hour ago, White Lightning2 said:

Nowadays that would get you elected to office!

 

WL

Certainly was enough to get a holiday named for him...  only to be upstaged by a holiday for the "most recently" ousted people on a chunk of land that you have to rent from the government.

Vikings owe me reparations.

Today is now and for the future to be called Windward Day.

Rejoice o-ye hapless peasants.

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30 minutes ago, Windward said:

Today is now and for the future to be called Windward Day.

Rejoice o-ye hapless peasants.

Ist thisse a dricken Holidaye?

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2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Ist thisse a dricken Holidaye?

aren't they all?

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3 hours ago, Windward said:

Certainly was enough to get a holiday named for him...  only to be upstaged by a holiday for the "most recently" ousted people on a chunk of land that you have to rent from the government.

Vikings owe me reparations.

Today is now and for the future to be called Windward Day.

Rejoice o-ye hapless peasants.

13 October...got it, it's in the book!

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image.png.bd2fdfc11c22f568c7cf1d98cae550f6.png

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My wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor. All I could find was a young iguana. Close enough?

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Image may contain: one or more people, text that says 'Tom, SINCE WHEN YOU START WEARING A G-STRING? SINCE MY WIFE FOUND ONE IN MY CAR AND I TOLD HER ITWAS MINE....'

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10 hours ago, Marcjsmith said:

3A891CE5-79FB-48C9-945B-EBA275AA8256.jpeg

 

LOL!!  Reminds of the left lane hogs going the speed limit.  When I pass them on the right, they speed up to attempt to prevent me merging back left!! :angry:

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Road rage is a very curious human condition.

Triggering some basic feral part of the brain into action without filters.

So much to loose and spectacularly little to gain.  Horrible risk-reward ratio.

Humanity really hasn't moved far from its caveman roots. 

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13 minutes ago, Windward said:

Road rage is a very curious human condition.

Triggering some basic feral part of the brain into action without filters.

So much to loose and spectacularly little to gain.  Horrible risk-reward ratio.

Humanity really hasn't moved far from its caveman roots. 

 

Trump and all his fanboys and girls are proof positive of that!!

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4 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

LOL!!  Reminds of the left lane hogs going the speed limit.  When I pass them on the right, they speed up to attempt to prevent me merging back left!! :angry:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

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8 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

It's supposedly illegal here, too, but you can't tell by the traffic. Yesterday, on my way to the boat...side by side @ 5 km/h under the limit. The perp was driving a big new black Jaguar, totally clueless.

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55 minutes ago, Ishmael said:

It's supposedly illegal here, too, but you can't tell by the traffic. Yesterday, on my way to the boat...side by side @ 5 km/h under the limit. The perp was driving a big new black Jaguar, totally clueless.

Richard Petty lost out on a political office because he gave a NASCAR Nudge to one of those assholes.

Kind of surprised me for North Carolina - one would think it would guarantee him the office.

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4 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

I wonder just how many years Blue Oyster jokes have been around for now.

3rd decade?

From the Police Academy movie.  Early 80's.

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22 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

 

CT highways used to all have signs reading, "Keep Right, Except to Pass", Or "Slower vehicles keep right".  The Statute may still be on the books, but most people are oblivious to it.  I know idiots who proudly keep other drivers to the law, by blocking the passing lane, going 65 MPH.  I know from an Engineer who was involved in the construction of Rte 9, that most highways are designed for 75 MPH, with a margin of error of safety factor well above that....

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