JOD

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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

 

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

 

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... and the rabbit is, like, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

 

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He

was merely trying to help us all!"

 

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

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Understanding Political Ideology

 

FASCISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

 

FEUDALISM - You have 2 cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk.

 

PURE COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours take care of them and you all share the milk.

 

APPLIED COMMUNISM - You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them but the government takes all the milk.

 

DICTATORSHIP - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

 

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

 

MILITARISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

 

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in your apartment.

 

PURE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

 

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

 

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY - The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for them. After the election the President is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The Press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

 

BRITISH DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

 

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY - You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that its takes both, shoots one and milks the other, pouring the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms regarding the missing cows.

 

CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a Bull.

 

HONG KONG CAPITALISM - You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because of bad Feng Shui.

 

TOTALITARIANISM - You have 2 cows. The government takes both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.

 

SURREALISM - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medicines.

 

The young doctor's eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Jones, do you realize these are birth control pills?

 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

 

"I assure you, NOTHING in these could possibly help you sleep!"

 

She patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe you me, it helps me sleep at night."

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After finishing moving into a new apartment of his own, a young man went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing nothing but a robe. The young lady smiled at the young man and started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

 

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to

fall completely off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

 

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these boobs, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin. I have no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

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I know this has probably been posted before, but....

 

How many forums members does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

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Why is the horse on the emblem of the AFL-CIO?

It is the only other animal known to sleep while standing up.

 

 

How many Notre Dame alumni's does it take to change a lightbulb?

30. 1 to actually change the bulb and 29 to stand around and reminisce about it.

 

 

How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

27. Do you got a problem wit dat?

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

 

 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

 

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

 

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives “for our own good”.

 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

 

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

 

Yes, that is all true, and kids these days need to learn that, but one thing we didnt have back then though was SA and thats one thing that is hard to live with out, but other than that things were better back then with better children, not spoiled little brats you see these days !!! :P

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: 4th December 2005

 

RE: Christmas Party

 

I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We will have small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And be not the least bit surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is for employees only! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

 

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

 

Pauline

 

 

 

 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: 5th December 2005

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we are calling it our, 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not, 'Christians'. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 

I hope all are happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

 

Pauline.

 

 

 

 

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: 6th December 2005

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you did not sign your name. I am happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you would not be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now, since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

 

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

Pauline.

 

 

 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: 7th December 2005

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gays, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the sodomites table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no: cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply, "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

 

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

 

Pauline.

 

 

 

 

 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All F****** Employees

 

DATE: 8 December 2005

 

RE: The ******** HolidayParty.

 

Vegetarian pricks I have had it with you people!!! We are going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the, "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you will get your f######n salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I have heard them scream. I am hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive, and die.

 

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: 9th December 2005

 

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I am sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I will continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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Notes From Thoughtful Ron

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron ... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

 

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

 

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door .

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well

worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed,

 

Ron

 

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 26 of May 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing .

 

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. So she decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day after her ad ran in the paper, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consid er you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again the old man smiled, "I will never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I ????

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Oh AUSTRALIA...

 

OH, so true.

 

 

 

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MALAYSIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AUSTRALIA

 

Keep this circulating.

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The following is extremely offensive. Proceed at your own risk.

 

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Why say anything, you already told her twice!

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An elderly man in Melbourne calls his son in Perth and says,

 

 

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are

divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son demands.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

 

"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

 

She calls Melbourne immediately, and tells her dad,

 

"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

 

 

 

Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares

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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing Into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy

man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he

could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,

seemingly bringing him back to life.

 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked....

 

with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . .

 

 

 

 

"Feck Off!! ", she said, "They're for the funeral"

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New Drugs

 

 

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

 

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

 

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

 

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

 

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

 

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

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Bowgirl,

That was my ONLY line!!

Back to the LIGNO-CANE, wacks the crud out of anything male that may be approaching cellulose :ph34r:

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A biotechnologist created a transgenic apple.

He was amazed at the results of his research, he decided to anounce it to the whole world.

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here to present you a wonder of biological sciences. This is a transgenic apple. It looks like an ordinary apple, but it is not. This is an apple that tastes of pussy."

 

The congressists and reporters were puzzled. The scientist asked one of them to come to the stage and bite his apple. The reporter bit it, and said:

 

"Holy fuck, it tastes like shit!"

 

To which the scientist replied:

"Turn it around, buddy."

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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky, and difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available.

 

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

 

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

 

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may come out of this."

 

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

 

 

 

 

 

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

 

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

 

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

 

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

 

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

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Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

 

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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International Rules of Manhood.

 

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the

footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it

is permissible.

 

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

-When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

-The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

-After wrecking your boss' car.

-One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

-When she is using her teeth.

 

Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his mates.

 

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

jail within 12 hours.

 

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever, unless you actually marry her.

 

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

 

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

 

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless

supermodel...and it's free.

 

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another bloke in the nuts.

 

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or

LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

but not both that's just greedy.

 

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about

his choice of beer.

 

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except

if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

 

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

-Yeah, Baby, Push it!

-C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

-Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,

an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang

up if necessary.

 

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have

carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty

is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion

about what a big mistake it was occurs.

 

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her

to drive yours.

 

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

 

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of

story.

 

There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

Ever.

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There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating.

There are PLENTY of reasons for men to watch ice skating. They tend to be called Svetlana, or something like that :).

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If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever, unless you actually marry her.

 

So ask right away, "Can I bang your sister?" Then the 24 hr rule is out.

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An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Father Christmas cross the road.

Who gets run over?

 

 

 

The intelligent man.

The other two are fictional characters

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SA_Classic.png.xs.jpg

 

How could I not think of this place when I saw this ?! :huh:

:P

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Typing this from memory.....

 

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican were failing freshman Psych class by the end of the semester. They went to their prof and asked if there was something they could do to pull up their grades. The Prof said they all had to get an A on their final exams AND they had to dress up in a costume that depicted an emotion that they had learned about during the semester. The catch was if the prof could guess what emotion it was - they would fail and repeat the class over again. But if they could dress up as an emotion and then stump the professor from guessing what it was - they would pass the class.

 

So they all left his office to go work on their costumes and prepare for the upcoming finals. On finals day they all aced the exam and then it came time see if they could stump the professor with their emotion costume. The American went 1st and he showed up in the prof's office dressed in a green outfit head to toe. The prof said "that's too easy, you're green with envy. I'll see you in class next year". Next the Italian came in all dressed in Red and was making faces and threatening gestures. The prof said: "that's way too easy - you're red with anger. Now get out of here and I'll see you next semester in class". Finally the Puerto Rican came into the office. He was buck naked and he had a pear stuck on his erect penis.

 

The prof thought about it and thought about it and finally said "I give, I have no idea what emotion you are". The Puerto Rican said "I'm fucking dis pear, mang!"

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

 

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

 

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

 

 

Puerto Rico?

 

Is America a country?

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

 

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

 

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

 

 

Puerto Rico?

 

Is America a country?

no, America is a (group of) land mass(es) from Ellesmere Island to Cape Horn between the atlantic and pacific oceans.

 

The United States of America is a country.

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

 

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

 

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

 

 

Puerto Rico?

 

Is America a country?

no, America is a (group of) land mass(es) from Ellesmere Island to Cape Horn between the atlantic and pacific oceans.

 

The United States of America is a country.

 

That's what I thought...

 

That, and that President Eisenhowler is an asshole too.

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A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

 

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

 

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So ... you finish?"

 

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

 

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.

 

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

 

The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

 

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

 

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."

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A man was up before the beak for murdering his pretty, young wife.

Judge: "You stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defence?"

Man: "Well your Honour, I came home early and found my wife stark bollock naked in bed with my best friend; so I shot the dirty slut. That's all I have to say."

Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, would you please tell the court what happened to him?"

Man: " Well your Honour, I pointed my finger at him and said: Bad dog, bad dog!"

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what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot

 

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

 

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

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A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in

front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her

down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady

lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles,

"I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind."

 

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and

says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

 

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well- to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

 

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

 

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

 

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

 

 

Two Blonde women were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

 

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

 

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

 

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea- I'll use that!"

 

She left and came back with sh*t all over her hands and clothes.

 

Her friend looked at her and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

 

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. they get along so well that they decide

to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his

hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

 

 

The girl has been watching him and says, "you must be a dentist."

 

The guy, surprised, says, "yes, how did you figure that out?"

 

"easy", she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

 

One thing led to another, and they make love. After they are done, the

girl says, "you must be a good dentist."

 

the guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "sure, i am a good dentist. How

did you figure that out?

 

The girl replies...

 

"didn't feel a thing."

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In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the next bombshell mergers, investors should expect:

 

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become, Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

 

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become, Polly Warner Cracker.

 

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

 

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become, Zip Audi Do Da.

 

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

 

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.

 

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild

 

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become, Knott NOW.

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A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.

"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"

"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."

"Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.

"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the fucking jar open!"

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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking "Surely I can't look that old"? Well, you'll love this one!

 

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?!

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

 

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate … hmmmmm … or was he?

 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

 

"Yes, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride.

 

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

 

"In 1959," he answered, "Why do you ask?"

 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

 

Whereupon he looked at me closely.

 

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled bastard asked, "What did you teach?"

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FEAR NOT!

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started

screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in

a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was

empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew

without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate

enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

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A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of Beers. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ???

 

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. "No you're right" . What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

 

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

 

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

 

The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit.

 

 

Whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be. Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. Why, that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again...

 

"And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown ?"

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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

 

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

 

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

 

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

 

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

 

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

 

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh, God...they got my girlfriend too!”

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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

 

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

 

Now why do you suppose that is funny?

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Year: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died

 

 

Year: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died

 

 

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn

the Pope!!

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A Blonde's Year in Review

 

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

 

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

 

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

 

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

 

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructio ns....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

 

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

 

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

 

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

 

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

 

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

 

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

 

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

 

What a year!!

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him

on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly

pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said “What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

 

Ah ," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills.

The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely

 

"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them. I call them Australians!!!"

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i think that was on page 2 this thread, but th Aussie version opd....

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1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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i think that was on page 2 this thread, but th Aussie version opd....

I do believe the original version was Irish....

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i think that was on page 2 this thread, but th Aussie version opd....

I do believe the original version was Irish....

 

There's a good Canadian one as well.....

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Guest Gilligan

Are riddles allowed?

 

Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long one.

The Pope never uses his. And Madonna doesn't have one.

 

What is it?

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Are riddles allowed?

 

Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long one.

The Pope never uses his. And Madonna doesn't have one.

 

What is it?

 

A last name.

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An old Maori man lived alone at his family home in Ruatoria. He wanted to dig his kumara garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Hone, who used to help him, was in Paremoremo prison.

 

The man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Kia ora e Hone,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my kumara garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Aroha nui Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

E Pa,

For God's sake!, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Hone

 

At 4am the next morning, Gisborne C.I.B and the local police showed up with a search warrant and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.

 

That same day the man received another letter from his son.

 

E Pa

Go ahead and plant the Kumara. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Hone

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EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN!!! OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY! .

>

> Women think they already know everything, but

> wait ... training courses are now available for women

> on the following subjects:

>

> 1.. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman

> Has Gone Before.

>

> 2.. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making

> Deposits.

>

> 3.. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

>

> 4.. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can

> Wait Till After the Game.

>

> 5.. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the

> Bathroom Cabinet Too.

>

> 6.. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.

>

> 7.. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last

> Resort, not the First.

>

> 8.. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before

> Speaking.

>

> 9.. Communication Skills III: Getting What you

> Want Without Nagging.

>

> 10.. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN

> Acquire.

>

> 11.. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

>

> 12.. Introduction to Parking.

>

> 13.. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

>

> 14.. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

>

> 15.. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and

> Butter.

>

> 16.. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human

> Consumption.

>

> 17.. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets

> on Other People.

>

> 18.. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

>

> 19.. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

>

> 20.. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

>

> 21.. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already

> Have.

>

> 22.. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural

> Occurrence Only Women Notice.

>

> 23.. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All

> Together.

>

> 24.. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

>

> 25.. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

 

 

 

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

 

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

 

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

 

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

 

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

 

 

 

 

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

 

A: Made her chain to long.

 

 

 

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.

 

One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

 

The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

 

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

 

he second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

 

 

 

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

 

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married"

 

"Why not", says the eager man.

 

"Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

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A man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

 

"I can't lie to you," he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We were together all afternoon."

 

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee together, discussing how important their children were.

 

The first one told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

 

The second Catholic woman chirpped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic woman said smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say, 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her this subtle "Well...?"

 

So she replied, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

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"I never wanted to be alive when a Bush, Dick and a Colon made the decisions."

Confessions of an Economic Hitman.

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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

 

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

 

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

 

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

 

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

 

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

 

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

 

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

 

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

 

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

 

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

 

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

 

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

 

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

 

 

How about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?

 

He sold his soul to Santa

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

 

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married"

 

"Why not", says the eager man.

 

"Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

 

Whereupon he farted and rolled over to start snoring.

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A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited

me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

 

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is

going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom

because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always

crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I

think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives

him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says

"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's

mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes

allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is

expecting something from me!!"

 

 

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on

his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts

praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying:

"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."Ten minutes go on and

the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others

look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than

the others.

 

She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear:

"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

 

The boy replies :"I didn't

know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

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A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate.

Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18

year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

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Interesting Psychological Fact...

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

 

Further studies in this area have been canceled.

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Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to

Pittsburgh.

 

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman

wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very

nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

 

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three

pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

 

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three

tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."

Mortified, he too fled.

 

"Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window. Young lady,

I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in

nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you

get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

 

They took the bus.

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A young woman died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was showing her around when she heard screaming from behind a door. She asked Peter, "why is someone screaming in heaven?". Peter replied, "well, you see you have to have your halo and wings attached so I'm afraid we are going to bore some holes in you." She said. "you know Peter maybe I'd rather go to hell". Peter said, "a pretty young thing like you would be raped mercilessly in hell". She says-"I've already got the holes for that".

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After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed for the frive through ATM.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

 

***********************************************************

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate bank card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits

at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded

staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks

the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler

and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead"

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over

to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets

nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

 

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into

the bowl.

 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

 

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

 

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

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Four former classmates met up again for the first time in years at a reunion. The converstion turned to their offspring and the first guy said, "My son just made partner at his law firm and he's doing really well. He's seeing a real pretty girl. Just last week he went out and bought her a mink coat."

The second guy says, "My son's dental practise is thriving. He just got engaged to a lovely young lady".

The third guy says, "My son is a stockbroker. The market is up so he went out and bought his lady friend a BMW just on the spur of the moment".

 

The last guys says kind of sheepishly, "I can't say I'm proud of my son. I don't know what I did wrong. You see he's gay, and to make it worse he's a transvestite too. He makes his living dancing in bars. But, it's not so bad because some of the customers in these joints are good to him. They somtimes buy him presents or take him out to dinner. Just last week he got a coat, a ring and a really nice car".

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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel" the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest cock he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive cock. It must be saved for posterity. So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. My God! the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!

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Three rednecks, Sam, Bubba and Jed, were working on the BellSouth tower. Sam falls off and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

 

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Bubba says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

 

"Sam's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

 

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"

 

"Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Sam's widow'."

 

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

 

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

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Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain:

 

HIGH NOONER

 

JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

 

TRUE, HE GRITS

 

THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE

 

THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

 

HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

 

THE WILD BRUNCH

 

HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON

 

THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

 

DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

 

VERY RAW HIDE

 

LONESOME DOUG

 

THE HOARSE SOLDIERS

 

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

 

MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

 

A FISTFUL OF NED

 

HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

 

QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

 

BAREBACK MOUNTING

 

BONE-NANZA

 

HOMO ON THE RANGER

 

OKLAHOMO

 

LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

 

PRANCES WITH WOLVES

 

BUTT F**K MOUNTAIN

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The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody.

 

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Katie, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I really feel like shit this morning."

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Guest staff-a-car

What's better than winning gold at the special olympics?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not being retarded.

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: FW: FRYPAN

 

A young man called Frobisher invited his mother for dinner, during the

course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome

Frobisher's flatmate, Cecil, was. She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Frobisher and his flatmate than met

the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Frobisher volunteered, "I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Cecil & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Cecil came to Frobisher saying, "Ever since your mother came

to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she

took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said

Frobisher. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THEFACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE FROBISHER

 

Several days later, Frobisher received an email from his mother which read:

 

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH CECIL, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH CECIL, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT

IFHE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY

NOW.

LOVE MUM

 

Lesson of the day:-

 

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

 

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

 

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

 

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

 

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

 

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

 

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

 

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

 

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."

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No. 9 - Life is sexually transmitted.

 

No. 8 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

No. 7 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

No. 6 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

No. 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

No. 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

No. 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred bucks and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

 

No. 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

AND THE No. 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely

have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

 

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was

break rocks all day." commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms

staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,

doing what she does best.

 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

 

"Yeah, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad

in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go

into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no

hired hand. He returned around two thirty, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a

glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly

watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he

slowly pulled them down and off.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into

town again, you're fired!"

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Less than a month from now will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's

birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize

winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage

dissolved in 1919.

 

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He

postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the

attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

 

(groan)

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