JOD

Joke

Recommended Posts

he Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was

constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

 

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and

after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a

weekend in Wisconsin.

 

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood

nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday

suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

 

The following night was the same she stood there wearing the

black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

 

She looked at him & asked: "What's with the black condom?"

 

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One day Fred and Pete are out duck hunting with Fred's new dog "Riley". Fred tells his buddy that Riley is the most amazing dog he has ever seen when it comes to hunting ducks.

 

"How so?" asks Pete.

 

"Well, I look at Riley and I say "Riley, go get 'em" and he hauls off into the marsh, then comes back and tells me how many ducks are out there by the number of times that he barks at me."

 

"Bullshit!"

 

"Okay, watch!" Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" and about 10 minutes latter, Riley comes back and barks 6 times. Just about that time 6 ducks fly out from the marsh.

 

Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" again and he comes back a while later and barks 4 times. 4 Ducks fly out from the marsh.

 

Pete says – "Holy shit! This dog is unbelievable. Can I buy him from you, name your price!"

 

"I don’t know Pete, I kinda like the dog, I don't think I can sell him."

 

"How 'bout $5,000?"

 

"SOLD!"

 

A few weeks go by and Fred runs into Pete down at the local feed store.

 

"How's my dog been treatin’ you?" says Fred.

 

"Aw, I had to shoot that damn dog 2 days ago."

 

"WHAT! Why did you shoot the dog?"

 

"Well, I took him out last weekend to the marsh for duck hunting and sent him off to the marsh just like you would and he was gone for almost an hour. He came back a runnin' as fast as he could out of the marsh with a stick in his mouth, went up to my leg and started humpin' me like I was the prom queen or somethin' and shakin' that stick all about. I thought he had rabbies or somethin', so I shot him."

 

"You dumb ass, he was tryin' to tell you that there were more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the

entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was

taken by a well dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat ?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in

particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using

that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat

left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the

little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour ! Put

this American in his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you

Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on

the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have

thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the Morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said

 

"Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean In to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

 

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

 

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

 

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

 

Then I caught her spending R65.00 on make-up.

 

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

 

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

 

I told her that was what the beer was for.

 

I don't think she's coming back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
An optimist says the glass is half full.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it has to be.

 

ok, gilligan... i'll raise ya one...

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

 

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
An optimist says the glass is half full.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it has to be.

Nah, the engineer drains his glass and gets a refill!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A florist goes into the barber shop and gets a haircut. When the barber finished, the florist asked "how much for the hair cut". The barber said it was free because he is doing community service that week. The florist is happy and leaves.

 

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note and a dozen roses on the door step. Later that day, a police man comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished, the police man asked how much and again, the barber said it was free because he was doing community service that week. The police man is happy and leaves.

 

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note with a dozen doughnuts on the door step. Later that day, a power boater comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished the powerboater asked how much and again, the barber says it's free because he is doing community service that week. The powerboater is happy and leaves.

 

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note with a dozen books with titles such as "how to improve your business", "becoming more successful" and managing your wealth".

 

Later that day, a sailboater comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished, the sailboater asked how much and again, the barber said it was free because he was doing community service that week. The sailboater is happy and leaves.

 

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a dozen sailboaters lined up for a free hair cut.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"

 

The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."

 

"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.

 

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks." So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million bucks."

 

The engineer thought for a moment and then said, "I wish I could donate a kidney."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

 

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Swindle on IKEA's parking

 

Take care on IKEA's parking lots, look at what happened to me last day, this is how it works:

 

Two gorgeous girls aged 18-20 come through your car while you're putting your purchases into the trunk. Then they begin to clean your windshield showing a bit her tits. When they finish you want to give them a tip, but they refuse and ask you to carry them to the IKEA's center on the opposite side of the town. If you accept they go to the back seats, making some lesbian acts while you drive. Once you arrive to the other IKEA's parking, one of them goes to the front seat and makes you a great blowjob. You don't realize the other is stealing your wallet.

 

With this clever system, they stole my wallet on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday twice, once more on Saturday, and probably tomorrow evening too.

 

So be aware !!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

 

 

What is the difference between a JAP(Jewish American Princess) and a bowling ball?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A theory of life and death

 

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough, it takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end ? A death, what's that, a bonus. I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then live in a nursing home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and go to work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink ,party, and raise hell and get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play, have no responsibilities. You become a littlebaby. You go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating, and you finish off as an orgasm.

 

George Carlin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

 

 

What is the difference between a JAP(Jewish American Princess) and a bowling ball?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

 

What's the difference between a JAP & a ladder?

 

Not everyone's been up a ladder.

 

 

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied,"No ma'am, they're dead."

 

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck,huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and uttersexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of forest. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

 

She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

 

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

 

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

 

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Native Vegetation Board and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

What is the difference between a JAP(Jewish American Princess) and a bowling ball?

 

Yes, you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

 

What's the difference between a JAP & a ladder?

 

Not everyone's been up a ladder.

Difference between a JAP and swimming pool?

 

You can touch the sides in a swimming pool...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

image002.gif

 

image004.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Cruise........

 

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my

pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales

and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the

Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding

and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at

his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a

very attractive and attentive gentleman.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. did OK ... won about $80. The Captain

invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal

complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I

declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go

to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me

and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again

asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me !

that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sin k the ship. I was

appalled.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you don't already have a headache, this might give you one. You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, their baseball skit and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

 

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting Psychological Fact...

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

 

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

 

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

 

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

 

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her

if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really

horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

 

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in

a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his

newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

 

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.

When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

 

He asks her "Well, was I rough?"

 

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

 

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

 

"Oh yes," she moans.

 

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

 

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

 

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and

thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

 

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"

 

The constable replies, "It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel nine losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

 

He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for

the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market. We're taking up a collection for him."

 

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

 

"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

 

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

 

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a bit harsh Jacko, Jeff probably doesn't get channel 9 in Kora...

 

But I wholeheartedly agree.

 

Chuck Norris has to get permission Eddie McGuire

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
That's a bit harsh Jacko, Jeff probably doesn't get channel 9 in Kora...

 

But I wholeheartedly agree.

 

Chuck Norris has to get permission Eddie McGuire

Wasn't having a go Grumps, just thought there'd be a queue of aussie piling in here right now with an answer to his request..... just can't imagine any of them not containing words and/or phrases like:

 

Arsehole

 

Steaming pile

 

and

 

Total waste of sperm...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Was with you Jacko.

 

Fackers knocked off all the standing rigging off the hobie on the weekend. Fack!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bastards!!!

 

That's a fair bit of rigging too!!!

 

Do you have the measurements for the replacements???

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nah, not yet. I'll go to the hobie site and see what I can find. It's the facking the adjusters that'll give me grief from here. Got one sail in after replacing the halyards the little bastards stole last time! Reckon it's cast me near a grand a sail, facking thing!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cheaper to buy it back off 'em , mate ??

ask your boat boy !!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tried already, no joy. Mamasan at Lisa's is on the hunt though, she get's all out of shape when the locals fack with her customers. I keep the boat in her front yard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh , Oh ....looks as if some little shit is about to get his ,

....you won't hear about it .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's the good part of the justice system here. Seriously, I won't even ask for a progress report. Either they'll come home or I won't hear a dickie bird.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Larry tells his wife "I got a new tattoo.".

 

"Another tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

 

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

 

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

 

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his

privates?"

 

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to

play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,

instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow

a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

 

Larry is recovering nicely at a nearby hospital.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

 

The undertaker told the husband, '' You can have her

shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in

the Holy Land for $150.''

 

 

The man thought about it and told him he would just

have her shipped home.

 

The undertaker asked, '' Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be

buried here and you would only spend $150?''

 

The man replied, '' Long ago a man died here, was

buried here, and three days later he rose from the

dead. I just can't take that chance.''

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

 

The undertaker told the husband, '' You can have her

shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in

the Holy Land for $150.''

 

 

The man thought about it and told him he would just

have her shipped home.

 

The undertaker asked, '' Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be

buried here and you would only spend $150?''

 

The man replied, '' Long ago a man died here, was

buried here, and three days later he rose from the

dead. I just can't take that chance.''

 

yup

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I tell my doctor that I think I'm getting senile because I keep forgetting to zip up.

He tells me that I'm not senile. If I were senile, I'd be forgetting to zip DOWN.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
So I tell my doctor that I think I'm getting senile because I keep forgetting to zip up.

He tells me that I'm not senile. If I were senile, I'd be forgetting to zip DOWN.

 

(along the lines of a joke farther back)

 

good: you made it to work on time today

bad: your fly is down

ugly: no one tells you and a bitch acuses you of sexual harrasment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that's the 5th time that's been in this thread.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I think that's the 5th time that's been in this thread.....

Heart surgeon's funeral holds the record at six.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

record tied!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I think that's the 5th time that's been in this thread.....

Heart surgeon's funeral holds the record at six.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

 

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

record tied!

 

No way mate! You missed the "B)"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw the Easter Bunny sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The Easter Bunny replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the Easter Bunny said, "I'm westing!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

 

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

 

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

 

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small

village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi G'day, mind

if I talk to your dog?"

 

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

 

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

 

Dog: "Doin' all right."

 

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

 

Dog: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

 

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

 

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool"

 

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

 

Horse: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hehehehehe. Best one for a while!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cheers. I giggled like a little schoolgirl when I read it too.

 

Forgot that I'd posted the one about Eddie Mcguire. Replace Eddie with any over-publicised media tart, they're all pretty much the same. Hope you guys in Sydney enjoy him...no doubt he'll try and got on the board of the Roosters or something like that very soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Who's Eddie McGuire????

 

Lets see how many good one-liners we get from this request....

I thought Eddie is the cousin of McDougal the Goat Fucker...........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth.

 

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

 

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

 

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

 

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

 

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

 

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

 

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

 

"Boys?! ..." replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

 

"Holding up the shark nets mate," the Aussie told him.

 

"Foocken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

what's the diffrence between a lawyer and a hooker?

 

 

 

 

a hooker quits fucking you when you die.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic

surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory,

because her 'bomb doors' were dangling a bit too low and looked like

a ripped out fireplace.

 

Time and childbirth had taken its toll, and she reckoned that, with

six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things up with a nip

here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather

than a badly packed kebab.

 

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three

roses at the end of her bed.

 

Who are these from? she asked the nurse, they're very nice but I'm bit

confused as to why I've received them.

 

Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon - the operation went

so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

 

Ahhh, that's really nice said Jane.

 

The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such

a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the

first time he's 'touched the sides' for years and he's very excited about

the prospect!.

 

Brilliant! said Jane. And the third?

 

That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, B-n-G...you're me !!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well.. I was.. this is way weird, I uploaded that pic a couple days ago for one reason or another.. and now it has switched back to the previous pic..... ok howzat?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

 

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

 

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?"

 

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby Russ was

born without ears.

 

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny' s family

was invited over to see the baby.

 

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and

explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so

much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the

word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

 

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

 

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

 

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision."

 

"That's great," said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he

needed glasses."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A teacher says to the children in her class, "ok class, today we are going to play the alphabet game. We will go through the whole alphabet, and I want a volunteer to tell us a word that begins with that letter, starting with 'A'."

 

Foul-mouthed Johnny in the back of the room holds his hand high, as do several other children.

 

"No no, Johnny, I know what you are going to say," scolded the teacher. The teacher called on Suzy.

 

"APPLE" said Suzy. "Very good, Suzy," said the teacher. "Now, how about a word that begins with 'B'."

 

Again, Johnny holds his hand high and begs for his chance to answer. Again the teacher refused to call on him.

 

"Go ahead Billy," said the teacher. "BALL" exclaimed Billy. "Very good Billy," said the teacher.

 

All the way through the alphabet they went, until they got to the letter "R," for which the teacher could not think of a dirty word that Johnny could say, so she finally called on Johnny, who had raised his hand with a word for each of the previous letters.

 

"RATS" proclaimed Johnny.

 

"Very good, Johnny," exclaimed the teacher.

 

"BIG FUCKERS WITH DICKS THIS FUCKING BIG!!!" yelled Johnny, holding his hands far apart to show the size....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad

news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom, with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We appreciate your work ladies..........

 

 

Waxing...

 

My night began as any other normal week night. Come home, fix

dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring

painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull

the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

 

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub

the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them

apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the

hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm

not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this

out. (YA THINK!?!)

 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius

kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

("Coldwax,"yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the

skin around it tight and pull. It works!

 

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

 

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

 

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right

side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and

stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

 

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

 

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half

the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is

spinning and spots. I think I may pass out...must stay

conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

 

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has

caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the

strip! There's no hair on it.

 

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head

down,foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that

should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

 

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I

know I need to do something. So I put my foot down *%@! I hear

the slamming of a cell door. $&%#$! Sealed shut! My butt is sealed

shut. Sealed shut!

 

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do

and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My

head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

 

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the

wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

 

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

 

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the

bottom of the tub...in very scalding hot water. Which, by the way,

doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub

as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless

the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in

the bathroom!!!!!

 

I call my best friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has

some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom

of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking

cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

 

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her as I give her the

rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

 

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax

off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie

goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super

hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,

dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

 

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do

I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens

out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT

WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend

and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I

recklessly shave it off.

 

Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Eventually,

 

I'm laughing so fucking hard my eyes are watering. OMG were those ever funny.

 

Ayes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

 

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those

 

Two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock...

 

(I could end the joke right there... :D:lol:)

 

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

 

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

 

All the men stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

 

All the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

 

Half the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

 

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy is bragging to his poker/drinking buddies that he can fart the national anthem. One of the guys calls his bluff and challenges him to do it. He gets up from the table, drops his pants, bends over, grunts, and drops a huge steaming load of shit on the host's living room floor. The host screams "What the hell!?! You said you were going to fart the national anthem, not shit on my floor!!!" The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "I was just clearing my throat!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Evo - they're pure gold! I've seen the pancake one before but it still cracks me up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how

many sales did you make today?"

 

The Aussie said "One."

 

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or

30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

 

"$124,237"

 

The manager choked and exclaimed "$124,237?? What the hell did you sell

him?"

 

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then

I sold him a new fishing rod.

 

 

 

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,

so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department

and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

 

 

 

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him

down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

 

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to

buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

 

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend

and I said.........

 

 

 

'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2 martians, one male one female, landed in a young couples back yard one night. the couple invited them in for drinks and they talked for a while, comparing the martians way of life to the "earthlings" way of life. eventually the young couple ask the martians how they have sex, "much like you do" replies the male martian. after several more drinks they agree to swap partners for the night and experiment for themselves.

the male martian and the young girl go in to a room and when the martian takes off his clothes the girl sees a little "stump" and says "I dont think this is going to work," "oh no worries," replies the martian, and begins to hit himself on the head. magically, with every hit his penis grows an inch. after a few hits the girl still looks skeptical. the martian then began to pull his ear, and with every pull his penis becomes thicker. the martian and girl then have the best sex that the girl has ever experienced.

the four meet together the next morning and again begin talking "how was it?" asked the young man, "wonderful!," the girl replies and goes on a rant about how good the sex was. "how was yours?" asked the girl. "TERRIBLE" replied the man, "all I got was a headache, she kept hitting me in the head and pulling my ear!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

B)-->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ May 18 2006, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Wanna play baseball?

 

i resent that- shit, was is my calendar still on september. honestly, wtf.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Scotsman, an Irish man, a Welsh man and a Brit are stranded on a desert island.

After a year the Scott had started a bank, the Welsh guy had started a male choir, the Irish man started a fight and the Brit hadn't done anything because no one had introduced themselves.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A Scotsman, an Irish man, a Welsh man and a Brit are stranded on a desert island.

After a year the Scott had started a bank, the Welsh guy had started a male choir, the Irish man started a fight and the Brit hadn't done anything because no one had introduced themselves.

 

hate to pull you up on a technicality, but 'Brit' should read 'Englishman'.

 

A Welshman and a Scotsman are Brits as well

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WOMAN'S DIARY:

 

Saturday 29th April 2006.

 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

 

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

 

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and

didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

 

I just knew that something was wrong.

 

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he

hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

 

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else...

 

I cried myself to sleep.

 

MAN'S DIARY:

 

Saturday 29th April 2006.

 

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then,

gutted!

 

At least I got laid.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

uh, dude, that joke needs a rework, men are not supposed to have a diary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two Pakistani heroin addicts injected curry powder by accident last night and were rushed to hospital. One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other's in a korma.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Adam is approached by God who says:

 

Adam, I have a deal for you. I will create a gorgeous, sexy smart woman for you who will fullfill all your desires. But its going to cost you an arm and a leg.

 

To which Adam replies:

 

I don't know, what would you give me for a rib?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

>

>A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a

>little

>perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says

>aloud, "Jeesh, I

>wonder what happened to this parrot?"

>

>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

>

>"Holy crap," the guy r eplies. "You actually understood and

>answered me!"

>

>"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

>intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

>

>"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto

>your

>perch without any feet?"

>

>"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

>asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

>You

>can't see it because of my feathers."

>

>"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English

>can't

> you?"

>

>"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

>reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion,

>sports,

>physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

>ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

>

>The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't

>afford

>that."

>

>"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,

>nobody

>wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for

>$20;

>just make the guy an offer!"

>

>The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

>

>Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of

>humor,

>he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

>sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy i s delighted.

>

>One day the gu y comes home from work and the parrot goes,

>"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wi ng. "I don't

>know if

>I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the

>postman."

>

>"What are yo u talking about?" asks the guy.

>

>"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

>the door in a sheer black nightie."

>

>"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

>

>"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her

>nightie

>and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

>

>"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

>

>"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his

>knees

>and began to kiss her all over...."

>

>Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

>

>"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man.

 

I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down.

 

Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."

 

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune."

 

The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet.

 

"That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"

 

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.

 

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."

 

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager.

 

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist.

 

The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?"

 

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."

 

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set.

 

When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss.

 

On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"

 

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Piet, the South African miner loses a leg in a terrible mining accident.

 

When he gets out of hospital, he goes to a bar with his mate, and pours his heart out,

 

"It's terrible, what am I going to do to earn money. Who needs a one legged Gold digger ?"

 

His mate replies...

 

"You could try giving Paul McCartney a ring..."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites