Fleetwood

Sailing one-liners

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Local twilights start soon, warm-up race last night in very ordinary weather (we didn't bother), post-race summary from the RC:

Due to the adverse conditions last night and with admiration for the sailors who braved those conditions we have decided to award a bottle of port not just to the winner but to the entire fleet................
 
...............both of them.
 
 

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Hmmm  4 lines to start a thread about ONE liners?

My favoutite would be

"Did ya put the bungs in?"

 

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One that comes to mind is; "You lazy cunts that start new threads without looking first should be sodomised".

 

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A few of the one's I've heard (or spoken myself), not sure I'd want to wear a t-shirt with any of them though:

"It was a little rougher out there than I expected."

"You think that thunderstorm is getting closer?"

"This sh*t (bad wx) can't go on forever."

"I feel kind of funny." (uttered just before spewing chunks, hopefully overboard, or at least into the scuppers)

"That'll probably hold up okay."

"It worked okay at the dock."

"See that rip halfway up the main?"

"It's getting shallower... I think we're supposed to pass that (mark, buoy, rock) on the other side." Occasionally followed by a thump, bump, and massive deceleration 

 

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"I'd rather be home in bed" on the tack of a #4 being set up on the foredeck way back when.

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For the Irish >> We would like to start this forecast with a small craft warning...

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1 minute ago, Cal20sailor said:

"The other clockwise"

the other Port .

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so what , my penis is  way bigger than yours

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10 minutes ago, VWAP said:

so what , my penis is  way bigger than yours

This recurring theme in your posts is hard to overlook..my guess is you were born with neither a rudder nor a vagine?

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1 minute ago, jack_sparrow said:

This continuing theme in your posts is hard to overlook..my guess is you were born with neither a rudder nor a vagine?

Just stating facts 

 

BTW that would be a rutter

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4 minutes ago, VWAP said:

Just stating facts 

BTW that would be a rutter

Interesting...so which is it? Do you think your dick is either;

A tool that makes grooves in things like icecream;

A tool used in cutting soft stuff like cabbages; or

A guide or pilot that leads you on a course?

Or god forbid all three?

BTW do you have access to professional help, family members willing to deliver an intervention ?

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Tactician finally makes a call after an agonizing period of indecision … but the opportunity has already been lost.

Rail comments: “That was a good idea five minutes ago.”

 

Also, when coaching a novice driver – “Up, up.  No, the other ‘up.’”

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When passing a fisherman ask them if the they are getting any, if they say no ask how the fishing is.

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6 hours ago, jack_sparrow said:

Interesting...so which is it? Do you think your dick is either;

A tool that makes grooves in things like icecream;

A tool used in cutting soft stuff like cabbages; or

A guide or pilot that leads you on a course?

Or god forbid all three?

BTW do you have access to professional help, family members willing to deliver an intervention ?

Rutter? you must be new here

Anyhoo sorry to read about your little problem  but this might  help you get  through the day better

 

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/small-penis-syndrome-characteristics-and-self-help-treatment-suggestions/

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1 hour ago, silent bob said:

Blow the Guy

 

Smoke the pole

Back in the day Buddy Melges did a tuning guide for A Scows....in his discussion on how to do a Mexican Takedown he went through the steps and then stated the helmsman then called for a 'Monica'......blow the halyard!

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Helmsman "Are we crossing"?

Jib trimmer - 4 feet further forward " Well, I am"

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"It's a weather report, not a fucking bus schedule"

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So this year after 30 years of doing bow, I finally did it. I set a chute sideways. The recovery was swift with minimal shouting. In the midst of resetting things for the relaunch, I found myself saying words I will never be able to take back...
 

Quote

Do I have a clew?

The question was certainly heard, and the irony of my phrasing was certainly commented on!

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"I figure we'll be there in four hours."

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If you're really bored go to one of those charity fun runs that thousands enter in and seem to occur every second weekend. Find a spot at the top of a hill around the half way mark and for anyone far too serious (as identified by lots of Lycra and running shoes that cost more than your car), shout out ....."You're almost there."

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Not that red rope the other red rope!

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While looking at flags deciding if we should launch.  Well, the wind appears to be blowing straight down.  Also have heard.  Looks like its going to be a Weasterly today.

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Dude, I just banged the commodores  22 year old daughter in the boat shed . 

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4 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Presumably you have that link bookmarked?

Why yes I do. It comes in handy when  the num nuts from PA get lost and drift over to the sailing side of this site. I hope that link explained how to deal with your little problem . 

 

Since you are asking here is another link that will answer your other question. Good luck

https://www.drugs.com/answers/effective-viagra-you-over-80-years-635806.html

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3 hours ago, VWAP said:

Dude, I just banged the commodores  22 year old daughter in the boat shed . 

Story I heard is you blew the commodore in front of his 22yo daughter and you've moved interstate to find a new Club?

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6 hours ago, jack_sparrow said:

Story I heard is you blew the commodore in front of his 22yo daughter and you've moved interstate to find a new Club?

Once again you are wrong. 

But keep your fantasy alive and clean up when you are finished 

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"its getting Nautical out there"

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I'm so hung over

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You've tacked us into a safe rearward position.

 

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Once again, sex rears its ugly head.

(Repeated many times over a long and slow offshore race.)

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"what white Boat ? "

"Starboard, Starboard ..... 10 tons on starboard" 

 

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Middle of a long distance race in the middle of the night all dead tired. 

Question: "How's the main look?"

Response: "If it looked any better, I'd fuck it."

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Wake up. We have to jibe the starcut. 

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"starboard.. hey, STARBOARD! Ok.. umm.. where would you like the hole?"

"skip, if you pinch any harder we're reporting you to HR"

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My nutts hurt

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We need to get to the windward side of the wind

On getting fouled on a tight port starboard,  That's an Express 27, not a 25.

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How much time do we owe them?

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47 minutes ago, iatrogenic said:

You are not coming inside me! 

That only works when said by a female skipper.

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"Water's for plants, give me a beer..."

 

(Juan Mauri, Egmont Key race approx.2000)

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Said by a limited experience j24 owner

”I like the left, but the right looks good.”

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sort of a 1 liner........boppin along down the Auckland harbour in the fastest red Y11 ever and the Q was asked of resident genius for next/1st mark, "go to a buoy a laid mark off rangitoto was the reply....we carried on ahead smugly, following fleet turned north at north head....skipper read the course sheet .."fuckwit....It's A buoy not a buoy"

 

and of course a couple of "hold my beer and watch this!!!"

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 On my boat a few years ago- 

Crew: Whoooowee, we're winning!  What next? 

Me: I don't know,  I've never been in front before. (And it didn't last long)

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Sailing out to a beer can race we discovered that the owner of the J22 had left the OB on his other boat for the dinghy.  "We shouldn't need an engine tonight, anyway."  (unfortunately it did glass off)

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When an Owner was steering, a crew member asks "should we gybe or rig a jockey pole?"

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"Leaving the spinnaker in the bag would not be the worst decision you will make today, leaving the dock was" (blowing 40,gusting to 50)

 

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of the boat (to a tacticians question about hitting the layline)

 

I guess its because I'm not an asshole" (when asked why there are so many crew on board)

 

"Shut UP and Drive" (on the back of my crews t-shirts)

 

WL

 

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On October 11, 2018 at 8:17 AM, VWAP said:

so what , my penis is  way bigger than yours

A variation on a bowman and boat owner each the opposite end of the boat screaming at each other. Chute had been packed badly, turning mark coming up fast. Bowman struggling to find the 3 corners.

Finally he stops what he is doing, turns to the owner, and says: I can shout louder than you can.

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Are we having fun yet?

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From a newbie on his first offshore. 

Whats the best cure for sea sickness?

Me

Sit under an apple tree. 

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7 minutes ago, mad said:

Sit under an apple tree. 

Hug a Tree .

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"You withdraw from the race?  No, I think your Father should have withdrawn".

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About 35 years ago, driving a Kirby 25 on West River, crossing tacks with a C&C Crusader 40 -

Me: "Starboard"

Voice from behind the 170 genoa on the C&C: "Sheer tonnage"

(we ducked)

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47 minutes ago, Bus Driver said:

About 35 years ago, driving a Kirby 25 on West River, crossing tacks with a C&C Crusader 40 -

Me: "Starboard"

Voice from behind the 170 genoa on the C&C: "Sheer tonnage"

(we ducked)

Early 1980s, my 6000lb  Pearson Flyer was in a port-starboard with something massive.  Big C&C or Sparkman  Stevens who knows what.

us: starboard

him: tonnage rights.

same result as you.

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Caribbean sailing rules: "De biggest boat got de right o' way Mon."

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20 hours ago, 167149 said:

sort of a 1 liner........boppin along down the Auckland harbour in the fastest red Y11 ever and the Q was asked of resident genius for next/1st mark, "go to a buoy a laid mark off rangitoto was the reply....we carried on ahead smugly, following fleet turned north at north head....skipper read the course sheet .."fuckwit....It's A buoy not a buoy"

 

and of course a couple of "hold my beer and watch this!!!"

I can't think of a red Y11, which one. 

 

 

 

Him???? He can't even trim a hedge. 

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3 hours ago, Alcatraz5768 said:

I can't think of a red Y11, which one. 

 

 

 

Him???? He can't even trim a hedge. 

Big Ruby? Gone but not forgotten 

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And your husband- does he sail too?

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That thing's Harken.... for a replacement.

Put up the Whomper!

It's flat as piss on a plate out here.

Look - that flag has one of those vertical winds on it.

Tacking in five, four, threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... get back on the rail!

Are we men or are we mice?  Pass the cheese please.

There's only one way that booze gets off this boat.

 

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It doesn't blow like it used to.

That boat points like a Japanese tourist

And that boat couldn't sail out of sight on a dark night

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The faster you go, the shorter it gets.

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19 minutes ago, SPORTSCAR said:

... that boat couldn't sail out of sight on a dark night in a storm

 

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46 minutes ago, SPORTSCAR said:

And that boat couldn't sail out of sight on a dark night

Reminds me of a well known sportsman who said;

 "I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark."

I always thought he should have added at the end the words.. "and I disappeared"

 

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On 10/12/2018 at 12:49 PM, VERGE said:

Not that red rope the other red rope!

Yep, I've had a colourblind crew member - red and green would have to be the colours he couldn't pick between! 

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