Cal20sailor

Funny Comments while Racing

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I have two from the same guy, an exceptional sailor.  The first was at the Chicago NOODs where he talked me into doing the bow on a 9.1.  First race on the first day and a shift came through, I look aft and ask who's familiar with a jibe set?  One hand went up...we won the race.  

Same guy, we needed a driver for an Express 27 and we were in shit city when the breeze came up.  Started picking them off one by one.  Two young kids on the boat, wave, wave, wave, wave, HEY KID, SHUT UP, THEY"RE ALL WAVES.  We hit the downwind with the Etchells that started 5 minutes behind and were boat for boat, we get to the leeward mark, and his comment that only I heard was, this is gong to be really good or really bad.  It was really good as the Etchells pinwheeled our class.

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"Your always fastest just before it breaks."

"Nothing says Sorry like a 2-turns penalty."

"Remember when I told you it was hopeless? It just got worse."

 

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There was a recent thread on this same topic....

 

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Key West Race Week, many years ago: "OK y'all, everyone put on his full body condom, because we're gonna get well and truly fucked at this mark rounding."

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I have many from my old man, but with the audience here and the new wave of political correctness sweeping the world I fear i would be run out of town if I wrote them down here.

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the fastest way is: a lot of small tacks without tacking too much!

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I am soooooo hung over 

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One of the crew turned to me and said "Have you noticed how many retards start threads on sailing anarchy that have already been done to death before?"

Fuck I laughed...

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When a sailmaker was asked to sail on a boat for the first time, "Is this a hard hat program?"

44' IOR design, 35 knots, symetrical kite, big waves; as the kite fills, the helmsman is asked "Where do you want the weight?"His answer "Wherever you feel safe!" 

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Approaching an upwind mark, two boats...

Boat One - "Room!"

Boat Tow - "Mast Abeam.....Dickhead!"

 

Lightwind winter race in the bay, half the crew goes below to sit over the keel and watch the niners game on  a 4" tv while the rest of the crew tries to get into the zone. Owner says "fuck this" and goes below. We think he's just frustrated cause he could not drive for long without losing focus and doing "s" turns. A few minutes later there is a hellish mechanical racket from down below. A new guy says, "what the fuck is that?" and boat captain replies, "guess we're having margaritas for lunch.".

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Some of the comments from my last race...

 

  • "Either we are sailing incredibly smart or amazingly stupid. I am thinking it is the latter."
  • "Yeah, that boat started behind us."
  • "We are definitely sailing our own race."
  • 'Whoever said 'it isn't over until its over', did not crew on this boat."
  • "We still get to drink beer, right?"
  • "Amazing how quickly you can be hopelessly behind."
  • "Where are we?"
  • "Good job though...those extra tacks were really well executed."
  • "Well at least it is a lovely day."

 

"I am ready for beer now."

"I thought you said not until the first mark."

"That was when I thought there was hope."

"You said that before the start."

"and...?"

 

"We finished. That is better than a DNF."

"But we will miss the free rum,"

"Shit."

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Look at those boobs

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Dude.. your kite looks like it had a stroke. 

It was a good old kite. Served him well. 

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After a bunch of squalls ran through the start line messing up the start sequence before a Gov Cup, everyone wanted to know what they were going to do.

A voice cut through the radio chatter, "Race Committee, Race Committee, this is THE LORD. Squalls will be ending in ten minutes and you can start your race after that." 

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"  'Could be worse.  

 How?

  It could be raining."
 

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" The only people who stand in the companionway are owners and assholes."

and

The look on my wife's face when she first started racing as I was jumping up and down in the back of the boat yelling "Blow the guy!, Blow the guy!"

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On 11/6/2018 at 8:08 AM, VWAP said:

Look at those boobs

That’s a real knee slapper mate. Who do you sail with - Bevis and Butthead?

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"should the floor boards be floating" said in the middle of the night off the back side of the coronados

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47 minutes ago, LB 15 said:

That’s a real knee slapper mate. Who do you sail with - Bevis and Butthead?

They're a bit intellectual for him.

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Sailing past a sport boat in conditions that we're less than ideal for them on a NM 68 that had been fitted out for cruising.  Someone says "Hey you guys need some laundry done". Another says "You want to borrow a couch". 

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6 hours ago, LB 15 said:

That’s a real knee slapper mate. Who do you sail with - Bevis and Butthead?

 ZooM, you completely missed it ZooM

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Maxi owner with a habit of saying dumb shit with sincerity....fully (well) paid crew.

I notice some of the crew regularly taking off and checking the inside of their hats....I ask "what's with the hat checking thing" and get shown the hat. On the inside of the hat they've written a big $ sign....still confused I ask: "what's that about?". ...The answer: "when the owner opens his mouth, we check our hats and remind ourselves why were all here!"

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2 hours ago, VWAP said:

 ZooM, you completely missed it ZooM

No I got exactly what I was looking for. Bwahahahahahaha.

DB963DF7-C438-491B-A449-EBA1CA6E74ED.jpeg

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Beautiful day on Sydney Harbour 

Owner : I wonder what the poor people are doing?

 

 

 

Crew : Crewing! 

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6 hours ago, LB 15 said:

No I got exactly what I was looking for. Bwahahahahahaha.

 

no, wrong again.

How funny you still don't get it 

Try again my little puppet 

 

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After a huge broach  on my Santana 23 pinned down on her side by some kind of down draft I say to the crew, I never wanted to die in an old folks home anyway. Did not instill any crew confidence with  a mostly green crew. 

 

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11 hours ago, Couta said:

Maxi owner with a habit of saying dumb shit with sincerity....fully (well) paid crew.

I notice some of the crew regularly taking off and checking the inside of their hats....I ask "what's with the hat checking thing" and get shown the hat. On the inside of the hat they've written a big $ sign....still confused I ask: "what's that about?". ...The answer: "when the owner opens his mouth, we check our hats and remind ourselves why were all here!"

Write it on the underside of the visor/cap bill so you only have to look up.  saves time. 

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35 minutes ago, Delta Dog said:

From a  Q sailmaker..."When I want your opinion, I'll tell you what it is".

 

 

Probably different Q guy - said so and so asked for some fast sails, not sure what to do - we make fast sails but he needs smart sails. 

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"Do you need a full set of tools aboard for the offshore race?"

Skipper: That's my crew.

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It's a long standing fact that a hangover makes you sail better. 

One morning we were particularly green after more beer than sleep.

I was on headsail trim and legs-in in the cockpit as there was a lot of traffic.. Main trim hands me his sheet, turns aft and with a perfectly straight face says 'permission to puke skipper?'

Skipper nods, he goes to the lee rail, back a moment later and we finished the race.. didn't do too bad either...

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1 hour ago, SteveC said:

It's a long standing fact that a hangover smoking weed makes you sail better in light air.

FIFY

That's why it's against the rules.

 

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After an especially well timed sail transition in an offshore race the tactician says "We're sporting a woodie now!"

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Still in high school, my best buddy and I are bringing the Cal40 back up from Ensenada, after the race. There are two adults on board as well, both with plenty of offshore experience. It's one of those nasty beats with 15 knots right on the nose, bashing against square seas, motoring with mainsail up. The two adults are all but incapacitated, unable to steer, perched by the rail, occasionally hurling chunks overboard. My friend and I are trading off every two hours. Then burrow into the port quarter berth and pull a sail over the top for some warmth. Two hours later, back up on deck.

As the dawn begins to break, we are past the Coronados, aimed for customs in San Diego. In the pale first light of dawn, Chuck looks up with his green face from the leeward rail and mutters, "You couldn't pay poor people to do this!"

 

That morning, tied to the customs dock for an hour, my friend and I lay on the foredeck and started tucking into the case of Carta Blanca we'd scored the day before. The game was you drank a beer then tossed the empty into the water. You had to drink the next beer, then throw that empty so it hit and broke the previous bottle before it sank. Repeat until wobbly.

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The Olympic gold medalist is whining after every tack, "the headstay is sagging, you gotta get the runner tighter."

On the next tack I give the runner all I got.  The headstay pulls out of the mast, the jib falls in the water, the boom hits the deck, and the mast bends precariously backwards.

"Is that tight enough Robbie?"  I ask.

"F**k, we're screwed," he says.

"We're gonna be more screwed in a moment unless you turn downwind," says I.

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8 minutes ago, sleddog said:

The Olympic gold medalist is whining after every tack, "the headstay is sagging, you gotta get the runner tighter."

On the next tack I give the runner all I got.  The headstay pulls out of the mast, the jib falls in the water, the boom hits the deck, and the mast bends precariously backwards.

"Is that tight enough Robbie?"  I ask.

"F**k, we're screwed," he says.

"We're gonna be more screwed in a moment unless you turn downwind," says I.

 

479a2530-9398-4369-8d39-e06b6de7a60c_1.b97cb9876cff49c77b9e8238e5b1a6fb.jpeg

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I have sailed with Madro over the years and he has a string of one-liners.   We once shrimped a spinnaker and when the spin sheet bitter end got to the block it stopped as someone had put a knot in the end of it.  One of the experienced crew onboard screamed "There's a knot in the spin sheet!!!!"  Madro calmly replied "It's not the knot's fault."

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I was doing mark set at a local regatta that was using a hired PRO. He called over the radio "Yank the windward mark fast, and by fast, I mean yank it like you are pulling a crackhead off your sister!"

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I was crewing on a TransPac race a number of years ago.  We were setting up for a spin jibe, me as the pit, owner on helm, bowman taking his time setting up the stuff:

Owner yells, "hurry the F up "John", you are too damn slow"...

Bowman yells back, "  relax 'Joe', the weather mark is 900 miles ahead".

(Names changed to protect the guilty) 

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 @vibroman.......may recall this incident many years ago at St.Pete.   It is Vibroman's first time sailing a Viper.   He has a bunch of USF girls as crew if I recall.  For the first couple of races, he is bounced around the fleet.

Then on the second day, he really nails it. Calls the first leg perfectly and leads around the top mark.  You could see the grin on his face from 10 boat lengths away.  He is determined to hold onto the lead and sticks a cover on me (in second) downwind like crap on a blanket.

So guessing that he and his crew have probably not mastered the leeward dowse we extend on port and drag us both beyond layline before gybing  and lining up hot on starboard for the leeward mark.   As they approach the mark, they blow the halyard and despite hauling as fast as they can on the retrieval line, the luff and foot of the chute catches the water (as it will) and sucks the entire spinnaker into the water like a trawler net..... bringing the boat to a dead stop! at the mark. The was a momentary pause,  then Vibro stood up in the back of his boat......spread out his arms wide like a street vendor .....and bellowed out  " Shrimp, Fresh Gulf Shrimp....All you can eat Shrimp"

You had to be there. We literally fell out of our hiking straps laughing ......and the third place boat passed us both.         

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On 11/8/2018 at 10:25 AM, JimB said:

After a huge broach  on my Santana 23 pinned down on her side by some kind of down draft I say to the crew, I never wanted to die in an old folks home anyway. Did not instill any crew confidence with  a mostly green crew. 

 

Went thru a couple of those with my S23, generally trying to shake anybody loose that didn't get washed off from stuffing the bow moments before.

Generally I pulled the rudder up a couple of feet to go downwind, but in those conditions I'd leave it full-down, and only crank the board up half or so..... when I'd give the word to the crew to leave the board down (or worse, "steering sucks, let it down some more") my long time bow man would say to the rest of the crew "If he yells HANG ON he's not kidding"

FB- Doug

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A local hotshot sailor and boatbuilder (he built the Peterson One Tonners everyone sailed at the time) when catching up to a competitor was noted for sending the crew below and as he apparently single handed through the competitors lee he would call down for "more champagne".

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On 11/19/2018 at 3:34 PM, SteveC said:

It's a long standing fact that a hangover makes you sail better. 

One morning we were particularly green after more beer than sleep.

I was on headsail trim and legs-in in the cockpit as there was a lot of traffic.. Main trim hands me his sheet, turns aft and with a perfectly straight face says 'permission to puke skipper?'

Skipper nods, he goes to the lee rail, back a moment later and we finished the race.. didn't do too bad either...

With us it was our skipper to the tactician or anyone in the vicinity: “Hey, steer for a sec...”; he’d puke over the appropriate rail, swipe his mouth quick with his arm, and be back on the wheel in less than 10 seconds with a “got it, thanks” to whoever had grabbed the wheel. Happened more than once.

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'Nother fave of mine  was hearing the skipper, displeased with the kite disposition, shouting to the guy on the sheet: "WTF, you couldn't trim a hedge!!" :D

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Ownere; "why didde we juste turne 30 - 40 degreese?"

Helmesman:  "Ime am steereng by that starre"

Voise from dark; "the starr withe red and greene lite on eithere side?"

:)

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On 11/20/2018 at 9:19 AM, Mambo Kings said:

 @vibroman.......may recall this incident many years ago at St.Pete.   It is Vibroman's first time sailing a Viper.   He has a bunch of USF girls as crew if I recall.  For the first couple of races, he is bounced around the fleet.

Then on the second day, he really nails it. Calls the first leg perfectly and leads around the top mark.  You could see the grin on his face from 10 boat lengths away.  He is determined to hold onto the lead and sticks a cover on me (in second) downwind like crap on a blanket.

So guessing that he and his crew have probably not mastered the leeward dowse we extend on port and drag us both beyond layline before gybing  and lining up hot on starboard for the leeward mark.   As they approach the mark, they blow the halyard and despite hauling as fast as they can on the retrieval line, the luff and foot of the chute catches the water (as it will) and sucks the entire spinnaker into the water like a trawler net..... bringing the boat to a dead stop! at the mark. The was a momentary pause,  then Vibro stood up in the back of his boat......spread out his arms wide like a street vendor .....and bellowed out  " Shrimp, Fresh Gulf Shrimp....All you can eat Shrimp"

You had to be there. We literally fell out of our hiking straps laughing ......and the third place boat passed us both.         

Ha good times! I had forgotten about that. That windward leg  was like one of those golf shots you hear about that keep you coming back !

I have a vague recollection of the gals being hypothermic the next day because it was so cold and proving that you could get 30 ppl in a 29 ft motorhome (viper mobile) for boat drinks.

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On 11/22/2018 at 3:19 AM, vibroman said:

Ha good times! I had forgotten about that. That windward leg  was like one of those golf shots you hear about that keep you coming back !

I have a vague recollection of the gals being hypothermic the next day because it was so cold and proving that you could get 30 ppl in a 29 ft motorhome (viper mobile) for boat drinks.

Yup.Your Viperettes went on strike and you invited the entire fleet into your motor-home for rum toddys.   Mrs. Vibro was a saint.   Good times. 

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On 11/22/2018 at 1:24 PM, Flippin Out said:

The fucken fuckers fucked !!

for fucks sake unfuck the fuckin fucker

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Five minutes before the gun, one of the boats start dragging the pin buoy by her rudder. Race committee radios , to all saying so and so boats rudder has tangled with the buoy and then adding, the new start line is between that boat and the comittee boat.  Joking ofcourse ...

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3 hours ago, Omer said:

Five minutes before the gun, one of the boats start dragging the pin buoy by her rudder. Race committee radios , to all saying so and so boats rudder has tangled with the buoy and then adding, the new start line is between that boat and the comittee boat.  Joking ofcourse ...

See that happen with the weather mark, too

FB- Doug

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Crew to helm... Tack .... Tack... TACK!!!

 

Crunch. (onto the river bank)

 

There was no reply from the helm at that point , he was in the river. Having been hooked out of the boat by the neck by someone elses Mainsheet..

 Well the rest of us though it funny, once we knew the helm was OK...

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2 hours ago, The Q said:

Crew to helm... Tack .... Tack... TACK!!!

 

Crunch. (onto the river bank)

 

There was no reply from the helm at that point , he was in the river. Having been hooked out of the boat by the neck by someone elses Mainsheet..

 Well the rest of us though it funny, once we knew the helm was OK...

 

Reminds me of a local guy used to sail through the moorings in the harbor with his Nonsuch 30.  He was slowly doing a swing by the fuel dock, so his wife could get off, without him actually stopping and docking.  She hopped off, then the main sheet looped over a dock piling and he came to a screeching halt at the dock!  Funny as hell, and I don't think he put a scratch on his boat.

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Crowded boat with a woman sitting on the cabin top with her legs spread apart over the companionway. Bald head friend pokes his head up from down below and says " If She and I had a kid, this is what he would look like" 

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Older guy on the boat, never really understood sailing but always insisted on being involved. Sailing on and off with him for 40 years. For the umpteenth time, he throws the spin halyard off, that we just raised, rather then the genny halyard that is supposed to be released.  My blood pressure skyrockets, my face beaming red, I turn around to the driver to complain and said, "How many more times can this guy do this?"  Driver's response - "Many more."

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Steering into a square chop during a race with wife and five crew on the weather rail, I manage to spear one of those waves dead center and an impressive wall of water starts surging aft along the weather deck. I couldn't for the life of me think of a good command for the occasion so I roared "Buns UP!" My wife still teases me about that one and it's been, what, forty years?

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15 hours ago, Nodrog said:

for fucks sake unfuck the fuckin fucker

On my second summer job I worked with a guy who actually spoke like that.

I've long had an overly foul mouth but this guy was absolutely stunning - literally every third word was "fuckin'".

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1 hour ago, kinardly said:

"Buns UP!"

I finde meselfe yelleng thisse loudley at manney gatherengs,,,,                          :)

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On 11/19/2018 at 6:46 PM, sleddog said:

The Olympic gold medalist is whining after every tack, "the headstay is sagging, you gotta get the runner tighter."

On the next tack I give the runner all I got.  The headstay pulls out of the mast, the jib falls in the water, the boom hits the deck, and the mast bends precariously backwards.

"Is that tight enough Robbie?"  I ask.

"F**k, we're screwed," he says.

"We're gonna be more screwed in a moment unless you turn downwind," says I.

Robbie, whining? How unusual ;)

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