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Mrleft8

Got any good drinking stories?

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I have a few from my misspent youth, but some of these are hilarious.

 

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I got 86'd from both bars in Woods Hole one dark and stormy night around 1982. Seems my pants kept encountering a gravity storm and the cook took that as a sign... twice.

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Tended bar while is college... stories I can tell...  

 

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My college roommate was an alcoholic.  Does that count?

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Worst: I woke up on a airplane in different clothes not knowing where I was going...once...

Best: Getting free drinks at the O'club in Bermuda. 

Somewhere in the middle: Getting busted for drinking homebrew in her basement by the mayor of a small outport in Newfoundland. 

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1 hour ago, Mrleft8 said:

I have a few from my misspent youth, but some of these are hilarious.

 

Having now just watched this I realize what an underachiever I've been all my life.

Question... How'd they keep the weight off?

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Recall being in St Tropez for Niolargue the predecessor to Voiles St Tropez.

Dennis had arrived with soft sail cat Stars.& Stripes, we heard the news that day that Denis has prevailed in Court after the big boat cat, challenge
suitably shickered myself aided by another kiwi climbed the lamppost combo flag pole in St Trop Harbour and removed a NZ flag , borrowed a dinghy and removed the large Stars and Stripes flying at night from the fore stay of the cat,  and replaced it with kiwi flag with a rolling hitch on the bottom. Retired to nearby all night bar and watched the machinations involved at daybreak.

Delightful, BTW Stars ended up in the ceiling of the Eclipse Bar a BN bar in Palma.

Good time’s.

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As I was getting on the school bus, I could see the peanut spew I parked on the footpath the night before.

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20 minutes ago, Black Sox said:

I'm Irish.

So what you lack in quality stories you make up for in quantity? 

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1 hour ago, chinabald said:
1 hour ago, Black Sox said:

I'm Irish.

So what you lack in quality stories you make up for in quantity? 

That hurts.

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downloadfile.jpg.d92dac7ab3592888bab29ed52b25146d.jpgDrinking? Marines, on an Army base using a "borrowed" Airforce truck to "liberate" the ceremonial "Headquarters" 105 would never imagine the other side of the stabilizing base of said Ceremonial 105 would knock down street signs as said Marines eacape the scene with the prize in tow:ph34r:

Dougway Proving Grounds, Dec '79

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In college I'd climb a tree with a twelve pack and a friend.

There was a time that the car went through a fence and a field.  We hitchhiked back the next day.  Damn where is that fffing field.

It was discouraging.  But eventually the car was found and the farmer was nice.

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Yes it was last year and the twins and sum sum of their friends from the  cheerleader team were here from the all girl college they attend . It was a hot humid day and they were all drinking  fizzy coolers. They all decided to do sum sum aerobics. but they did not have their workout clothes so they decided to do sum sum nude aerobics and wanted me to film it for them. It started out a little slow then three of the large breasted blonds all of a sudden rolled over on their backs and the other girls starte........  oh wait EAZE is at the door, gotta go

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In my senior year of high school, a beautiful young lady stopped me.

She apologized for never thanking me.

It seems she was in my company when introduced to Southern Comfort.  After she passed out, we left her at the back door of her sister's house.  We rang the bell.  We sat in the car until she was carried in.

She thanked me because she didn't drink again.

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2 hours ago, Black Sox said:

That hurts.

That’s ok you can drink the pain away. 

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God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

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8 hours ago, VWAP said:

Yes it was last year and the twins and sum sum of their friends from the  cheerleader team were here from the all girl college they attend . It was a hot humid day and they were all drinking  fizzy coolers. They all decided to do sum sum aerobics. but they did not have their workout clothes so they decided to do sum sum nude aerobics and wanted me to film it for them. It started out a little slow then three of the large breasted blonds all of a sudden rolled over on their backs and the other girls starte........  oh wait EAZE is at the door, gotta go

Dear Penthouse 

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'76  sea scout trip on the Brilliant, in Newport, we got a case of beer and drank it in a graveyard downtown... as we're heading back to the boat, 1st mate was sitting in a bar on the waterfront, ( can't remember the name, big windows, St Pauli girl posters all over the walls, live music)  , waves us in..   we're sitting at the table and the waitress comes around and starts asking for drinks.. everyone is passing,  gets to me, "I'll have one of those" pointing to a poster"  pretty soon we''re all drinking St Pauli's... Scout master wasn't too pleaseed when we got back to the boat,  woke us up at 6am to polish brass...

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That old "I woke up two days later in a foreign country, sharing a jail cell with a bunch of strangers who greeted me by name in a very non-English language" thing I have happily consigned to my far distant past.

Good judgment comes from experience.  And most experience comes from bad judgment.

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19 hours ago, warbird said:

downloadfile.jpg.d92dac7ab3592888bab29ed52b25146d.jpgDrinking? Marines, on an Army base using a "borrowed" Airforce truck to "liberate" the ceremonial "Headquarters" 105 would never imagine the other side of the stabilizing base of said Ceremonial 105 would knock down street signs as said Marines eacape the scene with the prize in tow:ph34r:

Dougway Proving Grounds, Dec '79

Fucking school-boy shit.

Edit: but then so was my story.

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23 hours ago, warbird said:

downloadfile.jpg.d92dac7ab3592888bab29ed52b25146d.jpgDrinking? Marines, on an Army base using a "borrowed" Airforce truck to "liberate" the ceremonial "Headquarters" 105 would never imagine the other side of the stabilizing base of said Ceremonial 105 would knock down street signs as said Marines eacape the scene with the prize in tow:ph34r:

Dougway Proving Grounds, Dec '79

 

3 hours ago, astro said:

Fucking school-boy shit.

Edit: but then so was my story.

That was the 2nd time. Earlier we moved it to the O Club and got a Unit Picture around it.  Someones slid full bottles of beer down the barrel at that point before we returned the cannon to HQ. The morning color guard was not impressed when they opened the breach to load the ceremonial charge and two beers exploded on the ground soaking shoes and trousers. 

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One year during a college regatta/camp out a certain schools FJ masts ended up sticking up outta the porta-potties and the committee boat was untied from its mooring and ended up 1/4 mile away beached. 
 

Not 100% sure on the details of how it all happened.....

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Most of my really good drinking stories actually involve other people.... Mainly because I wasn't there for the ones that involved me.

 Before the weekend is over, I will try to cobble together some torn shreds of history, that will resemble at least one of the remarkable events in my short, but dynamic life....

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I have some pretty good stories however posting under my real name I am a little reluctant to share them on the internet.  So I will plead the 5th (as it were). 

Perhaps as Pink Floyd says in their classic song Time, when I'm "Shorter of breath and one day closer to death" I'll share.

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Thinking back somehow they seemed fun at the time but actually was stupid drunk stuff that I somehow survived physically and legally 

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On 5/14/2020 at 8:04 PM, Willin' said:

Having now just watched this I realize what an underachiever I've been all my life.

Question... How'd they keep the weight off?

Apparently they didn't eat...  

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Wifie not me, When she worked downtown they imbibed a bit too much one evening and she ended up releasing her stomach contents in the door well of the Light rail on the way home.  Next day, Morning Commute, She ends up in same car in said door well on packed train and it was not cleaned up.  :wacko: 

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How about an ugly American story?

I took a young college grad that I met while working for FEMA down to Ensenada for a weekend back in the winter of 1980. We'd been moving around from hotel to hotel all winter helping people that had been washed out in the torrential rains that year and we were both pretty well frazzled after several weeks without a day off. She'd never been to Mexico before so I was happy to show her what a worldly guy I was.

At that time Ensenada was the anti Tijuana. There were great cheap restaurants, street food vendors, decent cheap hotels, a good harbor and a safely walkable downtown. On prior trips I'd also found good waves and camping nearby, so something for everyone.

But it had Hussong's Cantina.

Shortly after checking into a small fleabag hotel Saturday afternoon we hit Hussong's. It was a classic late winter weekend crowd of surf dogs, touristas,and locals, loud spanish music, the occasional drunk local standing on the bar to sing along with the juke box and the overwhelming smell of deisel oil everywhere, which I think they swabbed the wood floors with to cover the aroma of vomit.

Somehow, we fell in with another, slightly older couple, a Mexican national married to a yankee woman that owned a quarter horse ranch in New Mexico. They for some reason thought we should learn to appreciate Herradura Reposado. To us, exotic tequila was Sauza, since it was the only brand other than Cuervo we'd ever heard of. Our new friends found that enormously entertaining and we spent many hours at their table.

When the world started spinning for my girl friend we had to say goodbye after exchanging contacts and promises to visit them in New Mexico. It was after dark now and the restaurants were closing down as we passed them on the way back to the hotel so couldn't do the traditional after hours blot up. About 3 blocks from the hotel she started making the vomitting cat noises and there was nothing I could do but help her lean over a courtyard wall and lose her breakfast badly in someone's front yard.

Next morning wasn't a good time for her, but I did convince her to accompany me to a local joint for a good, delicious, spicy, filling huevos rancheras breaky that she never ate a forkfull of.

On the way back to the hotel we looked for the wall she had barfed over trying to figure out the logistics of last night's walk home. There were no courtyard walls to be found any where in the neighborhood, but, as near as we could figure, there was an apartment with a huge livingroom sliding glass window right about at the scene of the crime.

Gawd, I hope there were no children in there when we passed by.

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Drinking stories? We used to call it Whitby Is. Race Week. The stories were epic! 

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Had a bunch of Snook's and Mad Max's  crew in my van at Whidbey after the tent to go into town.

Leaving the grass lot our bow man starts chasing us bouncing a volleyball ball against the outside of the rear window, so I start to accelerate away from him, he runs faster, I speed up a little, he runs faster yet, I accelerate more, he's at pretty much a full run when I slammed on the brakes, he Wiley Coyote's into the back van at full run as I accelerate again and leave him there.

10 guys with drinks start flying forward then aft in the van, all very professional they hardly spilled at all.B)

 

 

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image.thumb.jpg.f5c3659ae5b9b0e6f83e6b75e80e3d49.jpgStarting a good story now

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So we are heading counter-clockwise into Penn Cove at Whidbey Island Race Week, passing boats on each tack in. . . and then we hit bottom.  We try everything, spinnaker pole against the bottom, all sails up to heel the boat, and then I say:  Put me up in the bosuns's chair from the top of the mast to leverage things, we're heeled at ~30 degrees. . . I'm a big guy and bounce.  But the efforts fail.  Kelly O'Neil comes alongside with her dog and says:  Ron, can I help?  She's in her inflatable in a pink bikini.  We realize that racing is over, so she grabs my legs and starts to pull as the skipper has fired up the engine.  I look at the taped connection to the halyard.  What could go wrong, so I unwind the tape, and drop into the inflatable beside her as the boat begins to move.  Nice. . . did I mention the pink bikini?

She brings me back to the boat, and we head to the leeward mark to see the action.  We had a bottle of Mount Gay rum that we got out and threw the cap away.  As we approached the Mount Gay corporate boat, we showed them the empty bottle, and they threw us another bottle.  Unfortunately/fortunately the guy that caught the bottle, was a US Customs agent, and recognized that there was no tax seal on the bottle.  He shouted back to them about it, and they asked if we needed more.  He shouted back:  It must be ships's stores, it's OK.

We were awarded "Boat of the Day" at the awards ceremony, and suggested that I did not understand all of Newton's Laws of Physics?  Some of the evenings details are missing after that?

I miss Kelly, she was a great friend.  I still have a WIRW sweatshirt with her "smile"

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3 hours ago, shaggy said:

Apparently they didn't eat...  

Would you have eaten that pork chop?

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1 hour ago, See Level said:

Had a bunch of Snook's and Mad Max's  crew in my van at Whidbey after the tent to go into town.

Leaving the grass lot our bow man starts chasing us bouncing a volleyball ball against the outside of the rear window, so I start to accelerate away from him, he runs faster, I speed up a little, he runs faster yet, I accelerate more, he's at pretty much a full run when I slammed on the brakes, he Wiley Coyote's into the back van at full run as I accelerate again and leave him there.

10 guys with drinks start flying forward then aft in the van, all very professional they hardly spilled at all.B)

 

 

:D

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See, now..... I wasn't drunk yet, but I'd been drinking.

 

I was at a friend's wedding. An outdoor ceremony at the parents' house.... Everyone was socializing, and enjoying a good time, and then it came time for the actual vows and such.....

 I got a fresh beer, and joined a group of friends on the perimeter, with a good view of the Catholic priest, and the bride's ass., After about 2 minutes of mumbo-jumbo I decided to sit. And seeing as there was a hammock right there, that seemed the obvious place to sit. I very carefully spread the hammock wide, and slowly sat down. Did a perfect flippdy do, and landed on the ground with my beer not only unspilled, but not even foaming. The Priest started laughing in the middle of the vows, and said "Very well done sir! Very well done!" and then continued on with the mumbo-jumbo.

 The groom and bride had no idea what was going on, and it was several hours before anyone told them about the incident.

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WIRW on a Beneteau 40.5, early 90's. Last boat to the dock (don't ask, it wasn't as nearly as entertaining as VFTF). Head to the tent area and proceed to kill our pain. Caught the shuttle limo to town and landed at Pete's Sake. Kitchen had just closed so foredeck orders several pitchers. 3-4 hours of "liquid" dinner and we try to make our way back. Ended up needing a taxi (several to make it the half mile back to the marina as walking was problematic. Ended up taking SWMBO back to the boat in a dock cart, all the way to the breakwater.

The resulting carnage below decks had several hours to fester in the morning heat before the owner slid open the hatch and got knocked over by the smell. 

Adult summer camp. Sigh, the 80's and 90's were truly the last heydays of club racing. 

 

WL

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Far, far too many stories in my history.

Since the stories above are fairly benign, I'll share a simple one.

Returned to the home town for a funeral. Night gets out of hand with old friends. Do a tour of local establishments I'd been too young enter when I lived there or had been tossed out of for various reasons.  A friend insists that I stay at his place. I wake up at some point to take a leak. However, I pick the wrong door for returning to the room with the nice floor I was sleeping on.  Turns out his double amputee mother-in-law was behind door number 2.  Apparently, I crawled into her bed - actually 2 twin beds crammed together. I'm jarred from my drunken haze by her screaming "Trish there's someone in my bed! There's someone in my bed and he falling into the crack! (that I created between the two twin beds)".  Poor woman couldn't even run away.

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15 hours ago, burndoc said:

image.thumb.jpg.f5c3659ae5b9b0e6f83e6b75e80e3d49.jpgStarting a good story now

Excellent start; my sister-in-law custom grows grapes for Silver Oak on her ranch in Napa (Napa’s Oak Knoll district is named for the ranch). Her picture is in chef Dominic Orsini’s “Silver Oak Cookbook”; great place and people. Their Cabernet has been the fuel for more than a few memorable evenings of “wining it up”.

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It's Mrs. Burndoc's favorite. Nice dinner with the boys. Perfect weather last night in Jersey 

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How did the Honda Civic end up in the Trustees meeting room on the 3rd floor of an old farmhouse/classroom building in Vt? And Who tethered the Holstein to the door knob from the inside? These are questions that, although I was apparently involved in, I have no actual memory of. I do know that at one point we realized that the Honda was leaking gasoline, and brought the gas tank outside, and then it somehow ended up on top of the chimney, with a toilet strapped to it..... I think "Jet fuel punch" was the libation of the evening.... Grain alcohol, with Hawaiian punch, and ginger ale.

 The same stuff that caused the giant wooden penis, pair of breasts, and curling tongue to appear in the new timber framed "Student's lounge" early in the morning before the dedication of the building by the Trustees, headed by a poetry reading by the some what stodgy old President of the college. Mind you, these were not overt additions to the timber frame, but carefully crafted, and placed unobtrusively way up in the rafters.... When the would be poet, paused, and reflected on his thoughts, looked heavenward, and turned beet red, we knew that we (as a group) were bound to be blamed, and took it like the drunken bastards we were! We rolled the beer kegs in early, and someone cranked up the ancient turntable with "TO HELL WITH POVERTY!" by the GANG OF FOUR blasting....

 Yeah we caught hell, but no one could actually prove it was us, despite that I was the only one with a key to the wood shop besides the instructor, and the business manager....

 Then there was the time that someone bet me that I couldn't drink a 5th of scotch...... The prize was a night with an exceptionally attractive red head with milk white skin, and emerald green eyes.That nearly killed me. It was 12 below when I staggered out of the theater, (Where the party was) having been assured of a rain date by the prize,   vomited a few times, and tried to crawl to my dorm. I remember waking up completely numb in a snow bank, whether from alcohol, or temp, or both I don't know. Somehow I slithered up hill to my dorm, and woke up the next afternoon to my fire dept. Plectron screeching in my ear about a chimney fire in the next town, and needed my co. to cover. I unplugged it and think I woke up the next day at some point.

 BTW... I never liked Scotch before that, and I still don't!

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8 minutes ago, Mrleft8 said:

 

 Then there was the time that someone bet me that I couldn't drink a 5th of scotch...... 

I was at a party (age about 19) when the host bet someone he could skull a full bottle of scotch.

He put that whiskey down like it was beer, collected his winnings. Ten minutes later: "Pete's passed out on the bathroom floor!"

About ten minutes after that: "Pete's dead!" 

I split immediately, heard later that a lot of stuff got stolen from Pete's house before someone called cops and ambulance........

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A crew member got so plastered by drinking every beer, wine, rum, vodka, bourbon drink that he could grab that, although we assigned a caretaker to him, he woke up in the middle of the night and - looking for the toilet - left the hotel room locking the door behind him.  Naked.  Pissed himself and passed out in the lobby where the cleaning crew found him sprawled in a chair with his balls out.  Couldn't remember his room number or the new boat name.  He remembered my name.  I got the call.  The hotel did not want him, obviously.  Wrapped in a hotel bathrobe, he fell between the boat and the dock getting him back on board. Thanks.

My college roommate decided to see how many shots of cheap scotch he could drink.  This was after not having consumed any protein, to my knowledge, for several weeks.  His friends got him back to our shared room.  I awoke to a truly disgusting smell.  He had fallen asleep on a lit cigarette.  Burned a green, brown hole in his side about the diameter of a quarter and 1/2" deep.  Spent the night with him in the clinic getting him pumped out and stitched up.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I really hate cute drunk stories.  

Now sipping a decent French red.  Saint Joseph 2015, Rhone valley.  Salud!

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I think it's only fair to ask for a relative date and location stamp on all these remembrances strictly for judgemental purposes.

Admit it, most of the crazy stuff we did as kids would be totally creepy at age 40 or beyond. Not that the crazy stuff doesn't happen at advanced age, I just prefer to think of the stuff I did later as a bit more refined.

 

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1 minute ago, Willin' said:

I think it's only fair to ask for a relative date and location stamp on all these remembrances strictly for judgemental purposes.

Admit it, most of the crazy stuff we did as kids would be totally creepy at age 40 or beyond. Not that the crazy stuff doesn't happen at advanced age, I just prefer to think of the stuff I did later as a bit more refined.

 

20 for me,,,so,,1980 81

 Should probably tell the story of filling the asshole neighbor's floor boards of his suzuki samurai with urine....  Not to mention his glove box, windshield wiper reservoir, and oh yeah his brake fluid reservoir.....

 Well it was Carnival time on Carriacou and things happen. Jack Iron is in the air, We parked about a quarter mile from the beach, and stated walking. Will a half a case of guinness doesn't walk so I started to look for a secluded wall. Low and behold! There's my asshole neighbor's car parked half in the bushed, doors off and completely secluded. So I I unzipped, and first pissed on the cloth seats, then just filled up the floor boards. A short while back I decided the glove box was a good spot.. After about 3 more Guinness I made a final trip to replace his windshield fluid, and top off his brake fluid.

No one noticed me. But I was already on the watch list of the police for being a potential anarchist bomber, so when I headed back towards the party  4 large men suggested that I  needed to buy a ticket for the festivities (which I'd already been at, but then wanted to see my stamp. I had no stamp, so they escorted me off the beach) thankfully I got a full can of Guinness before I left, and I pissed in the front seat of the patrol car which was carefully hidden in the shadows....

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On 5/16/2020 at 12:47 AM, VWAP said:

Yes it was last year and the twins and sum sum of their friends from the  cheerleader team were here from the all girl college they attend . It was a hot humid day and they were all drinking  fizzy coolers. They all decided to do sum sum aerobics. but they did not have their workout clothes so they decided to do sum sum nude aerobics and wanted me to film it for them. It started out a little slow then three of the large breasted blonds all of a sudden rolled over on their backs and the other girls starte........  oh wait EAZE is at the door, gotta go

Spelt with an S!

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On 5/16/2020 at 6:11 PM, White Lightning2 said:

WIRW on a Beneteau 40.5, early 90's. [snip]

Adult summer camp. Sigh, the 80's and 90's were truly the last heydays of club racing. 

 

WL

Definitely had to train with liver stretching exercises before Adult Summer Camp.  Just the other day I found a set of '93 and '95 WIRW daily result newspapers.  Good times.... 

One night after the party moved back to the boat, I remember watching someone crossing the rafted boats and suddenly disappearing down an open foredeck hatch.  Dead silence, then two hands pop out of the hatch to display the unspilled drinks -- the crowd went wild with applause.

Most of the evenings are a blur and I still take flak for some questionable tactics as I nosed into the start lines still suffering from the night before.

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Calculus class from 5-6:30pm, getting tests back, 7pm bus to take me home for Thanksgiving break. Planned to get test and bolt out of there. Spent all of the afternoon drinking margaritas, on the edge of FUBAR. I'm sitting next to the door for my escape, professor hands me my test and says, "You're the only one who got Question4 right, go put it up on the board."  Oh shit. I was writing on a 45 degree slope downwards, kept erasing with my hand as I couldn't read it. Like the Hanson Brothers from Slapshot "What a fucking disgrace."  Finally get it done and sit back down as others are explaining Q1, Q2, the professor never turns his back on the class, in the middle of some guy explaining Q3 professor turns his back - Bam I am out of there.

Buddy tells me that when he gets to Q4 and sees I am gone, he dresses down the class for 20 minutes about irresponsibility of students.

Hammered, leave class, the rest of the class is reprimanded for my behavior - Priceless.

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Guy I'm working with is sitting at a bar with Wilbur, our foreman.  Wilbur liked to drink.

So he says he's talking to Wilbur while a Final Four game is playing behind the bar.  He turns away for a minute and turns back again to talk to Wilbur.  But Wilbur is gone.  Then he looks on the floor and there's Wilbur, passed out.

He gets up and shakes Wilbur to see if he's alive.  Wilbur pops to his feet, brushes himself off and sits back down on his bar stool.  Then Wilbur calls over the bartender and orders another martini.

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St. Patrick's day, 1990. (You know this isn't going to be pretty)

 I pull into the parking lot of the local bar, just behind an old beater.... Out rolls Cliffy McGuigan, who staggers to his feet and leans into the car. All I hear is: "Yes, Mom. Thank you for the ride from New haven. No I definitely couldn't walk that!! HA HA! Thanks Mom! What? Home? Need a ride home? when? MOM! IT'S A BAR! I AM HOME!

 A few hours later (and I'm not kidding you) A big guy comes up behind Cliff, and claps him on the shoulder. "I hear you're the toughest guy in here! lets find out!" Cliff tells the guy he's just enjoying a pint of Guinness, and to take it up another day. The half of the bar that can see this goes silent.

 The guy tries to swing cliff's bar stool around, but it doesn't work.

 Cliff says: Look fella, I'm just trying to have some beers with some friends, so, let's take it up another time.

 The guy slaps Cliff hard on the back of his head.

 Cliffy's fist went straight up from his elbow, caught the guy right in the nose, and the guy is down for the count. Cliff says: Does that get me a free round?

 I don't know who dragged Cliff home that night, but word one. Don't ever fuck with an Irish Clam boat capt. on St. Patrick's day.

 (And Cliff is truly one of the best humans you could ever meet. Last I knew he was running the boat from CT to Plum Island for HSA, but that was years ago...)

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Vacation/international conference in Cancun.... After the conference, My sister, her husband and myself and my wife went out for dinner. It was a nice dinner. Plenty of Margaritas for everyone but me (Cervesa only por favor!). My BiL had rented a VW bug for the week, and the first night someone stole one of the hubcaps. Well, that night, after paying the bill, and thanking the host and hostess numerous times, we staggered out to the street.....

 BiL suddenly says: "I have to return the car in two days, and they'll zing me for the missing hubcap!".... So off we go in search of another VW bug to steal a hubcap from.... A half hour later, we spy a lone VW bug parked at the curb.... No one in sight. No dogs barking. Quietly we pry the hub cap off and retrace our route back to the restaurant (now closed and dark), and back to our car..... Only to find that we were now missing 2 hubcaps!

Yes, it seems we stole the hubcap off our own car....

 I have another story involving my sister, a rental car in Puerto Rico, but I swore I'd never tell it...... :D

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Was in a bar in Bangkok,  an elephant walked through the door...

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Yes

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On 5/20/2020 at 4:06 PM, Caca Cabeza said:

Yes

Care to share one?

 There was the time that my VW beetle drove off by it's self at 5AM on a Sunday morning, nearly ending up in Long Island sound before I caught up to it....

 I was supposed to be at my grandfather's house painting the south gable end up near the peak at 8AM.... That lasted about 5 rungs up......

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On 5/19/2020 at 9:31 PM, Topmast said:

Was in a bar in Bangkok,  an elephant walked through the door...

Did you ask what he was doing in your pajamas?  (credit  Groucho Marx)

Did he ask how do you breathe through that thing? 

asking for some friends....

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On 5/18/2020 at 12:25 AM, VWAP said:

I know now that I'm a fossil because I feel the ineffable urge to explain to these youts the simple but absolutely inescapable role of a river when using these things for drinking and fun. I'm almost tempted to say"Hope I die before I get old!" but this generation obviously needs us.

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The Chesapeake bay bridge tunnel toll booth. Headed north after a long weekend of beach camping in early April with 2 college friends (both women, both eminently fuckable, both unavailable to me). I was out of cash. Completely. Had to rely on one of the companions to buy me dinner that evening before we crossed the bay. I wanted lobster. I got a burger.

 Got to the toll booth with a half empty beer in my lap, after about a 30 car line waiting to get through..... Being a wise guy I suggested that they ought to have an exact change lane.... That got me a hairy eyeball, and a wave over to the Virginia state cop (Or Maryland..... Whatever).

 I got taken in to the clubhouse for a breathalyzer test. But by then that grease burger had burned it's way through my system. I told the cop I really needed to take a shit, and he told me to hold it until I was done with the breath test. I said: "NO! This is a NOW kinda situation!" and he escorted me into a bathroom and stood outside the stall while I purged 3 days worth of greasy food and bad beer.

 When I came out, he said:"Man, you weren't kidding!"

 He explained how to beat the breathalyzer test, if I promised to let my wife drive.... Being a 20 y/o idiot I told him I wasn't married.

 He told me to let my g/f drive. Being a 20  y/o idiot I told him that neither of the smoking hot women in my car were my g/f.....

 He sighed.....

 "I either lock you up, or someone else drives. Is that OK with you?"

YES SIR!

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There was the time an Officer asked me "were you drinking?" to which I replied, "yes sir, I just enjoyed an Irish whiskey".  Ignoring, of course, the rum, the beers and anything else after Weds night racing.... 

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AH! In the ER just about 2 years ago. Me with multiple fractures in my right thigh. Itwas 1:30  AM when the ER doc asked me "How much have you had to drink today?"

 I said (in a morphine infused sense of humor) "Today? Not a thing! It's only 1:30 in the morning, and I've been in an ambulance for at least 45 minutes!"

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Wayback machine here, circa 1974... it's December of my last year in the Navy, I've managed to get myself transferred for a 2 week gig at the recruiting office in my hometown to get off the boat for a while even though I've told all parties involved I hate the Navy and refuse to help them lure anyone in.

Oddly, I get along well with the lifers in the office and over the time I spent there all three of them managed to at least on one occasion take me out for a lunch that lasted all afternoon and evening, didn't involve food and  ventured all over the southern New Jersey metropolitan area and Pine Barrens.

One guy, sometime during one of the more sober periods, upon hearing my future steaming sched  on board would bring me to Puerto Rico, told me if I ever got to Old San Juan there were two whore houses that every sailor must hit, one, oddly, because it had a weird biomechanical band playing recorded music, and the other had a steel pan band, which was a first for a lot of us back then. We're talking the Riviera Club and the Black Angus.

Several months later, we've been in Rosy Roads, PR for about 2 weeks and my life as a ship's diver, sonar tech and oddly First Lieutenant has been a living hell. I finally get a window of opportunity and muster 4 guys to share a cab to San Juan for a big night out. The cook lays some speed on me which I need to keep going and by the time we hit old SJ we're all on fire!

The 2 clubs are just around the corner from each other with a nasty boarding house in between that we later learn rents rooms per 15 minutes.

The night is electric, the girls are all over us and it's a Trumpian paradise, meaning you really could grab, prod or lick any girl or girls you liked.  I finally let a girl grab my hand and drag me out of the Riviera Club promising me $15 and $6, meaning 15 for her and 6 for the room.

We walk around the corner and up a flight of stairs to a floor where I pay a scary looking old guy $6 and he walks us down an aisle of cubicles with cloth walls. You can't see through them but you can hear everything going on in the probably 50 cubicles on the floor. It's not peaceful.

In our cube there's a small sink, a chair and a single bed. To her credit she worked every wile and technique she knew  but at the end of our 15 minutes I still hadn't risen to the occasion and Mr. Ugly was somehow waiting there and expecting me to leave when the time was up.

I don't know if it was the alcohol, my physical exhaustion, the speed or any combination thereof, but I was not happy to be rushed out of there yet when I hadn't even gotten started. I told her quietly that she was a bad whore (always the silver tongued devil, I) and she stuck out her pinky finger n my face and told me I just have a tiny dick. I then said, a little louder, that I'm going to tell all my shipmates what a bad whore she is and she'd lose a lot of money if I did.

She got furious... spun around for a moment, and told the ugly old guy to go away. By now the whole room had gone quiet.

I told her I want my money back or I talk, she shushhes me, puts a fiver in my hand and asks with her eyes if it was OK?

Five minutes later, we're walking into the  Black Angus hand in hand, she smiles, kisses me on the cheek and disappears.

While not my greatest moment at age 19, I'm pretty sure I may be the only guy ever to get a refund from a whore.

 

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A couple of buddies in high school are out drinking on the country roads that surrounded the city of my youth.

The end up blowing through a stop sign for one of the major roads and damn near T-Bone a county sheriff K-9 unit.  Needless to say, Johnny Law was not amused, and chased my buddies down post haste.

Now the young drunks are out of the car and the cuffs are coming out, and suddenly the individual who was not driving has a sudden attraction to the nice police doggy.  

He begins to ask the arresting officer if "rover" can do tricks and proceeds to instruct the pooch to shake, sit up, rollover and play dead.

Officer friendly was not amused and the fine young lads got a nice little field trip to county that night.

They were damn lucky they got off that easy as they probably should have died running that stop sign. 

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22 hours ago, d'ranger said:

Did you ask what he was doing in your pajamas?  (credit  Groucho Marx)

Did he ask how do you breathe through that thing? 

asking for some friends....

Just an elephant. Started drinking from sink...

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2 hours ago, Topmast said:

Just an elephant. Started drinking from sink...

My wife and her mother went to a safari camp kinda thing in the Timbavati region of South Africa. The first night my MiL was sure that lions were trying to get in to her rondoval to eat her (no such luck). The next night she was doubly sure of it, and the sides of her rondoval were shaking. She used the emergency whistle that the guides had provided, with strict instructions not to use unless there was imminent threat to life.....

 The guides came running and found an elephant had ripped the outdoor plumbing off the rondoval and was drinking, and my MiL was in the closet with a half empty bottle of scotch.

 They shooed the elephant away, and took the bottle of scotch from my MiL.

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It's a Friday and the guys invited me for margaritas after work.  Our foreman, Wilbur, was there as was my partner Jack and a few others from work.  Eight electricians sitting at a bar in a Mexican restaurant.  

After a couple drinks, I left as did a few others.  Jack remained to keep an eye on Wilbur.

Next day Wilbur is AWOL.  I asked Jack where he was.  "I ain't saying nothin'," Jack replied.

All morning I'm pressing Jack because I know something happened to Wilbur and he knew what it was.

At 9AM, we're all sitting in the electrician's break room when the plywood door opens and Wilbur walks in.  He's wearing sunglasses and his face looks very swollen.  Rumors begin to fly.

"Fucking Wilbur got into another fight and someone hit him with a 2x4."

"Whoever got him, got him good.  Bet they knocked him out."

"It's the only way to stop Wilbur once he gets drunk."

We're back to work and I keep pressing Jack for what happened.  Finally he gives in.

"Last night Wilbur is sitting at the bar.  Everyone else is gone.  Wilbur is pounding martinis and finally I say it's time to go.  But he's too drunk to drive so I figure I'll drive him home."

Jack is like a construction worker's version of Felix Unger.  Even with all the shit we have to work in, Jack manages to stay clean and keep his tool bag orderly.  For months he was giving me a play-by-play of his new concrete driveway as it went from inception to completion.  He was so proud of that driveway he even showed me pictures.   

Back to Wilbur...

"So I ask Wilbur where he lives and all he can say is 'Take a right, Take a left.'  He's so drunk he doesn't know where he lives.  So I decide to take him home.  On the way he decides to spit out the window.  It was rolled up and I can see spit dripping down the glass.  I pull into my driveway and Wilbur is passed out.  I figure he'll probably puke at some point so I go inside and lay down some plastic on and around the couch.  Then I hear a sickening thud."

"I go outside and there's Wilbur laying face down on my brand new driveway.  There's a pool of blood growing around his head.  I drag him into the garage and set him up in a lawn chair.  He passes out again.  A buddy of mine sees my garage light on and stops by.  He sees Wilbur passed out in the chair and asked what happened to him.  Just them Wilbur wakes up and starts accusing my buddy of hitting him and wants to start a fight.  I asked my buddy to leave and try to calm Wilbur down."

Jack goes on, "Then Wilbur says, 'Let's go get a drink.'  It's 2AM and he wants to go to a bar.  I tell him no and he starts getting crazy.  So we go to a 4AM bar.  We're sitting at the bar and Wilbur is pounding more martinis.  Then some nurses walk in coming off the midnight shift.  I know them and they come over, take one look at Wilbur and tell him he needs to get to a hospital NOW!  Wilbur laughs and orders another drink."

Jack never got the blood stain out of his beautiful concrete driveway.

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