Sign in to follow this  
aA

i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

Recommended Posts

(+44):

 

Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

:unsure:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(541):

 

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(601):

 

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(714):

 

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(914):

 

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(613):

 

Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(770):

 

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.

 

 

(678):

 

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(317):

 

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

 

(260):

 

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

 

(226):

 

The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(814):

 

Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.

 

 

(215):

 

Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(902):

 

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(304):

 

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

Gaytor?

 

 

You can't be right - Gator can't give good advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(817):

 

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

 

 

 

another reason to hate HOA's

 

(919):

 

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(817):

 

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

 

 

 

another reason to hate HOA's

 

(919):

 

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

 

ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(817):

 

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

 

 

 

another reason to hate HOA's

 

(919):

 

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

 

ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

we had one in dallas tell a guy his fully load chevy truck wasn't good enough to park in the driveway, he needed to put it in the garage.. it was ok if it was an upscale truck like a cadillac truck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(773):

 

If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(847):

 

This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(513):

 

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(731):

 

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(228):

 

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(304):

 

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.

 

 

fz 2

 

(508):

 

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

 

fz 3

 

(801):

 

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(956):

 

Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW

 

(916):

 

The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(816):

 

im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(208):

 

Is it possibile to sprain your taint?

 

 

(1-208):

 

She was that bad?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(812):

 

Rumble strips road head = magical

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(484):

 

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(618):

 

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(914):

 

Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(775):

 

Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.

 

 

(1-775):

 

Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(248):

 

So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

 

(614):

 

There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(484):

 

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

 

 

(610):

 

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(360):

 

I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(413):

 

Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(678):

 

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(718):

 

Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(415):

 

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(916):

 

Yep. How's your hangover?

 

 

(1-916):

 

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(402):

 

the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(402):

 

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

 

 

(312):

 

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(415):

 

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

 

 

Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

 

Pilots. :rolleyes:;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(415):

 

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

 

 

Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

 

Pilots. :rolleyes:;)

 

 

:lol:

 

Ya' beat me to it Tom!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(951):

 

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(951):

 

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

 

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(951):

 

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

 

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

 

You also keep a file of things you know, but should not, I see. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(951):

 

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

 

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

 

 

Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(506):

 

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(951):

 

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

 

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

 

 

Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.

 

 

 

I had never heard of that, even in fraternity life. I'll have to try that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just in principle, of course.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Favorite

(617): View more from Massachusetts

 

my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(317):

 

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why Bull Gator doesn't buy a new I Phone

 

 

(256):

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

 

You know some anarchist would get hold of it eventually...

 

and here's one for Rick!

 

 

 

 

(503):

So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(937):

 

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

 

(802):

 

I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(217):

 

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(714):

 

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

 

(760):

 

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(443):

 

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443):

 

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

 

 

 

 

(916):

I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

 

i would have thought it was Key West...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

 

i would have thought it was Key West...

 

Gaytor sighting? :o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

 

i would have thought it was Key West...

 

Gaytor sighting? :o

Naa, Gator couldn't afford the food to make him 300lbs after the FB shares he "bought".

 

.

  • Downvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(902):

 

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(630):

 

That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(805):

 

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

 

 

 

(518):

 

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

 

 

 

 

(401):

 

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383):

 

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416):

 

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

 

 

Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

 

i would have thought it was Key West...

 

Gaytor sighting? :o

Naa, Gator couldn't afford the food to make him 300lbs after the FB shares he "bought".

 

.

 

He probably just goes upstairs and eats from his mom's fridge.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(785):

 

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

 

(215):

 

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(910):

 

A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.

 

(609):

 

There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(954): I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

 

 

 

 

(304): I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(410):

 

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

 

(423):

 

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(309):

 

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

 

 

(1-309):

 

Again?

 

 

Gaytor has a brother? Who Knew? :unsure::blink::huh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

 

More apparently, MILFadelphia.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(248): View more from Michigan

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rurun of Post #17 on this thread. Three years and still going strong

 

Posted 25 April 2009 - 07:26 AM

 

(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): we're not divorced.

 

 

(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right

 

(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): Alcohol?

(601): Sex with a fat chick.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites